Bullying - why are both my children victims

[snookhams]

Is it something that I have done wrong - one teacher actually told me that my eldest DS was 'to nice'! although thankfully eldest DS has not been bullied since changing to senior school - except by one teacher who thought it was acceptable to call him names, because at YR9 he is 6'4" tall - I soon put him right....

Youngest DS has been verbally bullied for sometime by a girl at his school, we have reported it and basically told him to ignore her - but I am now angry as today when grandma took him to school he ended up it tears and worked himself up so much that he made himself sick etc and she had to take him home. So far this week alone the girl has told everyone that he pulled his trousers down in the playground, had a go at him for doing well and being the only child put up to the top group at swimming, beating her in a maths test (not his best subject) and I now discover that yesterday he went ont he climbing frame whilst she was on there and because he would not get off when she told him to she went around the playground trying to find a boy that 'would beat him up' - that's why he would not go to school today.

And what are the school doing - nothing because the girls mother is the head masters secretary!!!

I am at the moment waiting for a call from the headmaster but I won't hold my breath...

 

[princess jackson]

How frustrating it must be

for the boys.

I would be annoyed to, bullys should not get away with the things they do.

 

[Shane]

How frustrating it must be

for the boys.

I would be annoyed to, bullys should not get away with the things they do.

Although It may be harsh an unwanted , if schools were what they were like back in the years, we wouldnt have bullys.

 

[wils]

Oh I am sorry A friend of ours has been having problems with their daughter at school. They even advised the school that she had been threatened by a boy and asked if she could be allowed to sit in the supervised library at lunchtimes. She later ended up being attacked (luckily it wan't as bad as it might have been) but the schools response was that wasn't allowed sit in the library that day as it wasn't her class' turn

If you have no joy with the school you could consider taking the matter it to the governers or the LEA - I don't know if this would help or make the matter worse for your son. Make sure you keep a record of incidents and communications with the school

A hug for your son. It sounds like he can stand up for himself but its sad that he is being so upset.

Please let us know how it goes

 

[Deedee]

Snookhams i have sent you a PM

 

[mandymouse]

Claire, Good luck, I really hope you manage to get this sorted soon

 

[snookhams]

Thanks everyone, I have just spoken to the head, but I had to put the phone down because I ended up in tears! (us mums can be so silly) I have however arranged to go in and see him this afternoon and have asked that the girls mother be present, he wanted me to bring DS in but I have told him that I am not prepared to do this as he could then be open to the Mother having ago at him

Deedee, thanks for your pm, I am in the middle of a practical with a Yr9 food group at the moment, but I will pm you back, thanks for the kind words though.

 

[jns]

Hope everything goes well at the meeting sending you some and so

 

[Boo Boo Too]

Kids, they can be a REALLY nasty lot sometimes (and some of them grow into nasty adults).

I think that most bullying comes down to jealousy: if a kid is better than others in some way (clever, good at school work, pleasant/polite/manners, has nice things), then some kids get jealous and take this out in bullying.

One thing I wonder, do you sow your emotions/upset at the bullying situation, infront of your kids? Do they know how emotional you are about it? Even if you don't get emotional about the bullying, but generally are quite emotional - it may still be a factor. Am just wondering, because they may take their emotional queues from you. If they become upset and emotional about the bullying, then the bullying kids see a weakness that they exploit. .

I don't know, it is a tricky balancing act: you need to be there for them (approacble and sensitive), but you also need to show them how to deal with it and move on from it constructively.

Have you looked at Internet resources on bullying? Like http://www.bullying.co.uk/ and http://www.childline.org.uk/Bullying.asp

Children can be particularly cruel, but it isn't just children that bully (adults do to). Helping your children to deal with these idiots and become strong, confident people will help them deal with all types of bully throughout life.

On a related note, are your kids sporty? I am a firm believer that sports (if you find one that they are really interested in - could be something obscure like judo, fencing, climbing) can really help kids to grow in self-confidence and how they interact with other children and adults... I am involved in sport at international level and would recommend it for kids (for health and personal development).

Best Wishes to you and your kids,
Boo

 

[snookhams]

Thanks Boo Boo Too, I try not to show to much emotion infront of the children with regards to bullying ~ if I do it tends to be anger towards the bully, my eldest DS was bullied really badly whilst at this school and the deputy head even told him at one point that the bullying would be worse when he gets to senior school!!! I think part of my emotion stems from the fact that I was bullied at school and I suppose it brings back unhappy memories for me.

Both my boys are involved in swimming and the eldest has competed at the age group nationals for the last 2 years and has qualified for this year. Although he actually endured bullying at swimming from a boy that was jealous of him and although the same agegroup has not reached the same level as DS, thankfully the boy has now left the club, although the coach dealt with it really well, the boys father (a bully himself) refused to believe that his son would do such a thing although many parents saw many incidents from the gallery during training.

I try to teach both the boys to ignore the bullies as they are not achieving what they want if they don't rise, but this is hard as I am sure that you can appreciate

 

[Spook]

And what are the school doing - nothing because the girls mother is the head masters secretary!!!

I felt outraged when I read this. Like Wils says if you are not satisfied with the outcome take it to the governors or LEA. I am so sorry that you and your DS are having this problem.

Jan

 

[Boo Boo Too]

I try to teach both the boys to ignore the bullies as they are not achieving what they want if they don't rise, but this is hard as I am sure that you can appreciate

Yes, I do.

When I was at school, one day a boy (at my bus stop) just picked up a stone and threw it at my head. It hit me on the eyebrow (about 1cm above the eye). There was no-one else around. My mother spoke to his mother about it. He had told his mother that I called him a "stupid Irish git" and that is why he throw a stone at me. I obviously hadn't called him that, but nevertheless his mother believed her little angel AND she considered it acceptable for her darling to throw stones at people's heads if they HAD called her son a name.

I honestly didn't mean to imply any offence about your emotions transfering to your son (and I hope that you didn't pick up any offence from me), but it is worth a thought. Even anger is emotional. Smiling at a bully, calmly telling them to "f off" (excuse my language) and proceeding to not get involved with them is the best thing to do. The most disturbing thing for a bully is treating them like they don't bother you: don't pay them any special attention, but don't go out of your way to ignore them either. They can't cope with that

Bullying is jealousy, pure and simple. You have obviously brought up your son to be nice, presumably talented/clever young man. Some kids, with a lot less, can't accept this AND wont let it rest. Unfortunately, also, many kids are also "mindless pack animals": they just follow the leader - once one decides that it is fun to bully your son, others follow the lead

At the end of it all, you can BET that your son will come out of it the better adjusted young man, with a better and brighter future than any of these bullies. I know that isn't much comfort now, but it is true.

Glad that your son enjoys sport, shame that he suffered from bullying there too . Amazing, isn't it?

Also, I HONESTLY think that most kids "grow up" quite a lot in the 5th form (year 10?) and 6th form. If your school has it's own sixth form, your son MAY benefit from a "change of scenery": a specialist sixth form college tends to benefit from a much more adult atmosphere. That would need to be his decision, but it is well worth exploring the different options in your area.

I really do appreciate that it is easier to talk about "rising above it" than actually doing it, but it is really the only thing that works (at least with emotional/verbal bullying). Anything physical/sexual should be tackled by the appropriate authorities and, if not resolved satisfactorily, escalated appropriately.

Best wishes to your son - things will get so much better, I promise

Boo

 

[angel659]

Hi

Oh my I feel so sorry for your son. This is my worst fear for my children as they grow up.

Some kids can be awful. Its even worse when the parents ignore this kind of behaviour. As mentioned I would speak to the school gov department about this kid and even mention that its the schools secretary child.

I feel that a bully should be expelled from school, if the situation does not improve and if the bully continues. Harsh it may seem. Why should the victim suffer all through school life and the bully obviously enjoys and feeds off the victim. It does not seem fair. I would speak to the gov if no joy from the school and write down each even into a diary. If the child continues and she sounds young perhaps ask her to take her playtime away. I.e outside the headmaster office every lunchtime. Until she learns to behave. Schools say they take this no bullying tolerance, but do they really???? When I was at school if you were bullied the bully would be bought upto the headmasters office and would have to sit outside his office until he learnt it was unacceptable, regardless of thier parents thought. I think we take child abuse to another level and bullies are getting away with it.

Sorry to ramble, but this topic makes my blood boil. Luckily I never was bullied, but I really worry for my kids and would hate for this to happen to your child. If the situation does not improve and the school will not take action on this horrid child can you change schools? Drastic as it sounds but this maybe your only option?

Hope it all goes well in the meeting.

 

[AnitaCB]

Oh this makes me so mad - what is the matter with these children?

I was bullied at school and even now I can still remember the fear of having to go in to school everyday knowing that it would all happen again. It did stop in the end when I made new friends but it was horrible and very distressing at the time.

It does sound like alot of jealousy to me because your kids are doing well. They should be proud of their achievements and not worry about what others think.

The school has to, by law, operate an Anti-Bullying Policy which you can ask to see. If they are not following it you could complain, in writing, to the school governors who then have to investigate because it becomes an official complaint. Schools don't like it going this far so it is sometimes worth threatening them with it.

Both my daughters have had verbal abuse and got very upset. I did the same as you, went in etc, but always felt the school made excuses for the kids doing the bullying! So, last September both of them started at a karate club. They absolutely love it and it has given them alot of confidence. They know not to use it outside the club because they would lose their combat license but just knowing the things that they have been taught has really boosted them. I have also told them to use karate if they are in a situation where they are in danger and can't escape - as far as I'm concerned that would be self-defence.

I hope you get this sorted and by the look of things you have got alot to be proud of in your children!!

 

[pixiepower04]

A school teacher once said to me, many moons ago, "stand up to a bully and you'll never be bullied again".

I think this is true to some extent and I would urge your son, just once, to stand up to them and just say something like. "You know what, you're a bully and I don't like bullies, you're obviously jealous and insecure and you'll never have any real friends because bullies like you are non achievers in life, and if you come near me again i'll bring the authorities into it".

I think your son needs to take a stand and say i'm not going to put up with it, he needs to be the one to say "I'M going to bring the authorities into it (not, my mum will bring them in).

There were many bullies at my school and I was picked on alot and in the end I got so angry and upset I punched this girl in the face and she never came near me again, by this time though I had also self harmed and wished i'd have punched her sooner so time is of the essence in these matters.

I would also write to your local council's Director of Education and tell them what's going on and that you appear to be getting nowhere with the school. They will then investigate and will at least be aware of your situation should the bullying escalate.

I now tell me own children (aged 5 and 7) "if someone hits you - walk away, if they do it again, tell them not to and walk away and if they do it again hit them back".

Good luck!

 

[Boo Boo Too]

I think this is true to some extent and I would urge your son, just once, to stand up to them and just say something like. "You know what, you're a bully and I don't like bullies, you're obviously jealous and insecure and you'll never have any real friends because bullies like you are non achievers in life, and if you come near me again i'll bring the authorities into it".

Personally I wouldn't make a speech about it (especially telling them that they are jealous and insecure... sort of rubbing their faces in it - even though we know it is true ).

As said before, would just tell them very calmly to "f off" (in full) and get back to your business. It's short, to the point and no arguing with it .

And no, I don't usually use bad language and wouldn't normally advocate it. Funnily enough, if you don't normally swear, but can do it very calmly in extreme situations... it has quite stunning effects...

Boo

 

[KayleeUK]

So sorry to here this

 

[rpbert1]

had a problem with my DD when she was at Primary school P7 and a group of girls from the school came round to our street , my wife chased them and went to see the girls mum which was a waste of time, and she said not to bother telling the school as it was nothing to do with them. My DW went to the school next morning on her own while DD was in class, told the head {who i know work for 14 years on] after DW left he sent for DD asked her what had happened , and who was there, he then got all those involved together about 8 girls, and they denied it apparently who gave them quite a lecture on bullying and how they do not tolerate it, and one of the girls owned up to it and told what had happened and who instigated it, all parents where sent for and think they got a similiar telling off , never had anymore problems, but like it has been said it comes down to jealousy.
at our school children are encouraged to report bullying or if somthing is bothering them, to any teacher not necessarily their class teacher, we also have a buddy system in place where P7 children are selected to be buddies for the following year and they help watch over the school breaks for anything and children can approach them, its also good as children can be very cruel and wont let some kids play and they can be on their own and the buddies will watch for this and actually play games with these children so that they are not excluded. sorry for going on

 

[pokemon_master]

So sorry for your kids.

Everyone is a victim of bullying. (Even I get annoyed by kids YOUNGER than me! Stupid Year 8s!) Keep reporting it to the school, and if that fails to get there attention then go directly to the parents of said child and see if they can do anything about it. And if that fails, go one higher if you know what I mean.

It is not fair that they just ignore bullying; at least the school I go to does something about bullys. Just remember that if they do try coming back, keep reporting and then hopefully they will get the message. (Although it would probably be wise at that point to pick up your kid from school. You never know what would happen between there and home.)

 

[Minniespal]

Good luck ~ Hope you manage to get this sorted soon