Bridal Shower Question

[Bearvet]

My best friend's son is getting married in June. My friend and her husband adore their future DIL and they spend lots of time together - travelling, having them over for dinner, etc. The bride's family has been giving them a hard time as soon as the wedding planning began - unfortunately it's been very stressful for everyone because of it. One example: my friend planned a small engagement party with immediate family (and close friends) to share their happiness. The bride's family didn't like the idea because they will not do this for their other daughter (who is gay and will not have a wedding) and really didn't participate, and almost didn't come!

So, the bride's sister is MOH and is planning an elaborate (and expensive) bachelorette party and will eventually plan a shower. My friend suggested the idea of two showers since there is quite a distance (about 2 hours) for the grooms' side to travel to the bride's mother's house. I love the idea because I don't think many people will travel that far and the bride will miss seeing them.The groom's sister and godmother would "give" the shower. We had 2 showers because of the distance back when we got married and it was wonderful!

So, when my friend approached the MOH about the idea of 2 showers, she flew off the handle and told her it was her responsibility and there would only be 1 shower - don't bring it up again! My friend was hurt and feels so bad that future DIL is being pulled apart. Needless to say, my friend has dropped the idea.

So, my question is this: is it unreasonable to have 2 showers if there is a big distance between where the bride's family and groom's family lives? I thought it was perfectly acceptable and people would be happy they don't have to devote a full day to a shower (4 hours just driving!). What do you think? Was my friend out of line?

I also don't get these elaborate bachelorette parties - limo, fancy dinner, night in an expensive hotel, Chippendale's show,etc. The groom's sister is in college and can't afford an additional $300+!! Is this the "in" thing now? Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned!

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't know anything about the parties as my night out was dinner and bowling but thats what I wanted.

I was suprised to read about the showers though. Gosh, I don't think I know anyone that has had only 1 shower in the past 10 years. A good friend of mine was married recently and I think had no less than 10 showers but some showers were masked as teas/garden parties.

I would actually think it's appropriate for the groom's side to do a shower for the bride and if they want to mix it up some why not do a dual shower but call it a party for the bride and groom? Call it a kitchen/shed party or whatever you can think of that is female/male. I'm sorry to hear about families that are less than supportive.

 

[lulu71]

I'm not a fan of two showers, but I guess as long as no one was invited to both it would be OK. I do have a problem with family members throwing the shower, but I am a stickler for etiquette. Is the godmother a family member?

BUT If I were the bride- I would only want one shower. There is no rule that everyone who knows the bride must shower her and it's really just a nice get-together with those closest to her. If they are that close to her, the drive wouldn't matter, right?

My ILs are big into the "gimme" showers, inviting everyone in creation and I think it's over the top and a blatant gift grab. My wedding and baby showers were difficult because of that. Thankfully, I wasn't the one who had to go head to head with them - my best friends were great about planning around them.

 

[mickeyboat]

I lived in NC before I got married, and so did my parents, family and friends. DH lived in VT, and do did his parents, family and friends. There was no way everyone could have attended a shower in one place or another. I had four showers. Three were in NC thrown by different friends, and one was in VT thrown by my MIL.

My MOH was not offended in the least that someone else was planning another shower which she was not expected to attend or provide a gift for.

The groom's family should go ahead and plan their own shower. There are no rules about who can show their love and affection to someone special.

Denae

 

[shirleyb]

I don't have a problem with 2 showers - lots of people have one at work, for instance, and then one with friends/family.

I do have a problem with these huge showers now, though, that seem to have 50 - 100 people invited. I thought showers for for 10 - 15 close friends and family?

IMO, if you have a shower big enough that you need to rent a place to have it, it's too big, but I'm old fashioned too.

 

[figment52]

I like the idea of multiple showers (but no repeat invitations) that group people that have something in common.

I HATE the only one shower that is so HUGE that you spend 3+ hours opening gifts and the bride fights to even make eye contact with the gift giver.

Multiple showers are harder but the smaller gathering where the bride can actually visit with her guests makes the most sense to me. JMO

 

[pearlieq]

I don't see anything wrong with 2 showers. DH's family is from Ohio and we're in Chicago. We had one shower here and one there. The only people who were at both were DH's mom and my maid of honor. It worked out nicely.

Sometimes a large shower can't be helped. My best friend is getting married and her shower will be about 35 people and yes, I'm renting a hall. I'd rather have adequate seating, parking, and restrooms, and also be able to have everyone enjoy the event rather than slaving in the kitchen. It's not like she invited everyone she ever met. 80% of the guest list is close family. Some people just have big families. It's not a character flaw!

 

[LynnTH]

I too had 4 showers. My Dad's side of the family, My Mom's side, A Personal Friends Shower and my work. They were all given by different people.

I don't think the MOH should have to give 2 showers (if I am reading it right). I think she should give one and if someone else should give one for the ones that live further away. If no one else offers then she should just invite everyone. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone who lives 4 hours away to come to a shower - if they can that's great. I have relatives that live a ways a way and they just always sent a gift down.

 

[Beth76]

If your friend wants to throw her DIL a shower then she can. She can invite whom she wants to from her side.

 

[wendy46001]

I'd have the MIL just ask the bride, say she wants to throw a family shower and then let the bride handle the MOH.....truly if the bride doesn’t have an issue with it then the MOH needs to follow along....

this of course coming from a person who had four showers herself...
also make sure the list doesn’t double over...the only person who attended all my showers was me…my MOH made it to two and I wouldn’t have expected as much

 

[MareQ]

If your friend wants to throw her DIL a shower then she can. She can invite whom she wants to from her side.

I agree. I think a 2 hour travel time would warrant another shower. I would tell mother of the bride that grooms family will have their own shower as many of their family will be unable to make the trip and it is a celebration for the son as well. Inform MOB that the shower will be "after" the "main" shower and make sure to invite MOB (Lets' see if she'll make a 2 hour drive)

When my mom planned my shower my MIL was FURIOUS and DEMANDED my mother pick a restaurant that was closer to her as she felt driving "a whole hour out to where you people live" was asking a bit much (No my mother did not change the location to one closer to my MIL)

My personal limit for traveling is 1.5 hours one way MAX!! NEVER would I go 2 hours one way.

 

[lulugirl]

Honestly, I think your friend should butt out and leave the shower to the brides sister. I'm sure your friend has the best intentions but I think it's really the maid of honor's role to plan the shower.

 

[budbeerlady]

Around here anyone can throw you a shower. I got married in 99, I had 6. It did get a bit heckit at times as Dh's brother was getting married a month after us. So running to her shower and mine was busy.

My fathers side was 1
My mothers side was 1
My mother-in-law and her family
My father-in-law with his family (Dh's parents split years ago, hence the shower splits)
The girls I worked with threw me one also.
Oh, I forgot my old neighbor ladies threw me one. All my neighbors had kids my age and grew up together. Its a great excuse for all 10 ladies to get together and for us kids to still see each other.

I thought anyone who wanted to could throw a shower. Or so it seems to be the practice in our small rural community. The mother and mother in law attended all the showers but the guests were not repeats. (well m-n-l didnt go to the father in law one but you can guess why not. )

 

[tw1nsmom]

I think your friend should talk to her future DIL. Even though it's well within her rights to throw a seperate shower, if the future IL's are being difficult she won't want to put her FDIL in the middle. Maybe your friend could throw a jack and jill barbeque type shower. That way it would be for her son as well as FDIL. Maybe she could even throw her one on the QT. Throw a big Memorial day BBQ and quietly tell the people who can't make the out of town shower that they can bring their gifts there.

If the future DIL really doesn't want another shower because she doesn't want to cause problems with her family, maybe your friend could do something special with just her. Have a spa day or go to a fancy restaurant for lunch. Pretty much anything to give them a special day that your friend could treat her to.