Birthday invite list...how do you deal with it?

[we3travellers]

Well, once again, I think I have made an epic fail on the invitees. Every year I have the same headache. We are going to laser quest and I want to keep the number to about 12, including DS. Realizing that there will be a couple of "no" responses, I let him invite 14. We chose 8 classmates (from a class of 18), 4 from another class that he is friends with, and 2 others that are good friends. NOBODY from hockey, no family friends, no neighbours. We tried to keep it discreet, but of course other classmates have found out and now poor DS is dealing with the aftermath. One boy said he hates him, another said if he didn't give him an invite he wouldn't be his friend. Last year I let him invite 6 from hockey (tried to talk him into 2 or 3) and of course there were hurt feelings. Because a hockey team is a closer knit group, I said none this year. DS is well liked and is a pleaser. Now he is saying "maybe I should invite so-and-so", just because they are giving him a hard time. I just want to cry! Am I making too big of a deal over this? It's too late to change it this time, but I was wondering what you guys do for the future.

 

[mjkacmom]

I wouldn't worry about it. There are always those kids who get upset when they find out they are not invited (especially at this age). You did nothing wrong by having him chose to invite his closest friends. As long as you don't invite all but one or two, it's fine.

The older they get, the more selective the invitation list gets, because they build a circle of friends. Dd11 wanted a party this year, but it didn't work out, because some kids in her circle are on her travel soccer team, and I didn't want to go there (inviting half of the team). So, no party!

 

[zoemurr]

Well, once again, I think I have made an epic fail on the invitees. Every year I have the same headache. We are going to laser quest and I want to keep the number to about 12, including DS. Realizing that there will be a couple of "no" responses, I let him invite 14. We chose 8 classmates (from a class of 18), 4 from another class that he is friends with, and 2 others that are good friends. NOBODY from hockey, no family friends, no neighbours. We tried to keep it discreet, but of course other classmates have found out and now poor DS is dealing with the aftermath. One boy said he hates him, another said if he didn't give him an invite he wouldn't be his friend. Last year I let him invite 6 from hockey (tried to talk him into 2 or 3) and of course there were hurt feelings. Because a hockey team is a closer knit group, I said none this year. DS is well liked and is a pleaser. Now he is saying "maybe I should invite so-and-so", just because they are giving him a hard time. I just want to cry! Am I making too big of a deal over this? It's too late to change it this time, but I was wondering what you guys do for the future.

Did those kids invite him to their parties? We usually do try to invite those kids so we can reciprocate. If not then there is really nothing you can do, and the ones giving him the hard time are being unreasonable. The list has to end somewhere. Kids really need to learn to keep their mouths shut. Sorry he (and you) are upset.

 

[kymom99]

How old are the kids? I have never had to deal with this personally because my son's bday is in July, so we have had small outings with a couple friends. Other kids never really found out.

One time I made my son put his foot in his mouth. A friend invited him and some others for a sleepover for his bday, and said no gifts. I had my son ask one of his friends if he was taking a gift and that boy wasn't invited. I found out later he wasn't welcome anymore because he purposely broke things on a previous visit to this boy's house. Anyway, when he heard there was a party he was upset and told my son to tell the bday boy to invite him. It was awkward for a short time, but they all got over it. You can't expect that kids won't hear about the fun party, and it is life that sometimes you don't get invited to everything.

 

[Jerseymomof2]

We invite all or there is no party. At that age they talk and no one can keep a secret.
I invite the class, outside friends and the soccer team too. I prepare for the shock of the bill. They also realize they must make sacrifices in other areas of life to get these parties. I can only afford so much. So when we are out and they ask for a toy or fast food and I say no they understand that if they want big things like Disney trips and big birthday parties these other things are a Big NO.
some years they want the party and others they say forget it. I leave it up to them.

 

[hops&dreams]

We let DD make the list, but each person on the list has to be someone she's hung out with OUTSIDE of where she knows them from (school, team sport, Scouts). They've either come over to our house, or she's been to theirs, they've gone and done something together like skating or a movie or a baseball game. I think it keeps her close friends who are truly a part of her life as the main people who should celebrate her birthday with her.

I think paring down the list is more of a stress for me than her!

 

[Swimalie]

We let DD make the list, but each person on the list has to be someone she's hung out with OUTSIDE of where she knows them from (school, team sport, Scouts). They've either come over to our house, or she's been to theirs, they've gone and done something together like skating or a movie or a baseball game. I think it keeps her close friends who are truly a part of her life as the main people who should celebrate her birthday with her.

I think paring down the list is more of a stress for me than her!

That's how we do it as well. My son's birthday is at the end of this month and we plan who to invite over the months prior. But they are all friends he sees outside of school. You can't please all kids but it sounds like you have tried. And I can't imagine 6/7 years olds saying this to another kid over an invite. Wow.

 

[kymom99]

Oh, I see from your sig that he is 6. I can remember a friend of mine was having a party for her daughter, who was in 1st grade. They took a lot of time discussing who to invite from her class, and some kids got upset that they weren't invited when they found out. They got over it though. I'm sure it will all be fine in the end. I will say though that my son went to one schoolmate's party in first grade and all the boys in their class were invited.

 

[texasroni75]

As my kids have gotten older, we let the kids choose ONE of three options.

(1) Family (extended) party at home - and we buy them a pricier present because it's basically just a meal and cake as far as party expenses.

(2) They can pick one friend (usually the bestie), and go to movies or bowling or something, and then dinner out at a place like Applebees with the family and the bestie. They get to sit at a different table than the rest of us. Then cake at home.

or (3) Party at a pizza place and the entire class is invited. As they get older, fewer and fewer kids show up to parties anyway, and we usually end up footing the bill for less than a dozen kids.

I understand the predicament, but feelings will definitely be hurt when kids feel excluded. In fact, even as adults it hurts when you hear you didn't make the cut for events like weddings or other get-togethers.

 

[powellrj]

At that age we always invited everyone. We would either invite the whole class or all of whatever the sex was of the birthday child.

 

[quandrea]

This is difficult but I'm of the whole class or nothing camp. At this age everyone talks and feelings are hurt.

This past week my dd who is four was invited to a party. Her twin in the same class was not. Lots of upset. He can't understand why he isn't included. We won't be attending that party for the sake of family unity.

It's done now and everyone will get over it. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[AZMermaid]

I teach first grade so I see a lot of birthday drama! One- I am impressed there are 18 kids in the class, I have 26! But anyway- when there is a party that not everyone was invited to, feelings are hurt, but they get over it quickly, like a few days after the party. You might expect some reciprocal non-invites (which would be fine, since those kids aren't really his friends anyway), but I really doubt it. I see three things- the whole class, all the girls or all the boys, or the select 8 or so. I would say it is fairly evenly split.

My best friend's daughter is in my class and she hates the whole class invite thing and rarely goes unless her daughter is truly friends with the birthday kid. She offered her daughter a shopping spree over a birthday party this year and her daughter took the shopping. She was thrilled. $100 on clothes and toys was WAY cheaper and less hassle than a party!

 

[crisi]

We also did the "only invite kids you've seen outside the activity" Now they are teens and its a much smaller deal than it was.

My daughter has a September birthday - so in first grade we did the "invite the whole class" thing. Because she really didn't know anyone yet - her two kindergarten friends had moved that summer. And she didn't get a lot of reciprocal invitations. You'd think inviting 30 kids to your birthday in September would result in at least ten birthday invites in return - I think she got three. And its the only "whole class party" I've heard of anyone having.

 

[Alexle2007]

I just went through this with my son who is turning 7 this month and also having a laser tag party. I told him how many kids he could invite and he picked some kids for his current class, some who are in his math class but were also in his 1st class, his one friend who he has frequent play dates with but is in 1st grade and then his "sisters"- these girls have been in his life since he was 5 months old. We have to mail invites so it was hard the day after they arrived after school, listening to one child say I got my invitation and then another say I didn't get one. And the one boy he invited actually said to him that he wasn't coming over for a play date unless he invited so and so who hadn't been invited. But I think everyone got over it but with 21 kids in his class and friends in other classes, you have to draw the line. unless it is at our house but he really wanted laser tag since you had to be 7 to play.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

It is so hard to know what to do at this age. My youngest just turned 8 and I let him invite 2 friends from school and 2 friends from church to have lunch at McD's and see the Lego movie. It had to be kids of moms I knew, so I could invite via FB. That way invitations didn't go home.

I think it'll all blow over after the party is done. Just tell your son to put the blame on you, LOL. I find that usually works - all kids think their parents are unreasonable.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is difficult but I'm of the whole class or nothing camp. At this age everyone talks and feelings are hurt.

This past week my dd who is four was invited to a party. Her twin in the same class was not. Lots of upset. He can't understand why he isn't included. We won't be attending that party for the sake of family unity.

It's done now and everyone will get over it. I wouldn't worry about it.

Was it an all girl party? You are most likely going to find that your dd gets invited to WAY more parties than your ds. It seems like boys have less parties, and are more likely to invite the whole class. A lot of girls like to have girly parties, so no boys are invited.

I use to at ds11's frustration every time dd11 came home from school with yet another birthday invitation! I let her go to the parties - I wasn't going to punish her for being a twin.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

We are on the other end of the spectrum.

DS7 b-day party is this weekend, 20 invites sent, 1 RSVP

I just don't understand it.

At the beginning of the year, some of the parents asked the teacher for the student/parent email listing, and this teacher said she doesn't give one out. So I have no way of getting in touch with any of the other parents to see if they even got the invite.

Its a hard place between, did I send them out to early ? or did I send them out too late ?

I felt really bad one year for dd, not a single person showed up, that was really really sad

 

[msmama]

I'm gearing up for my sons 6th birthday and will be inviting the whole class of 22. I think, at this age, either whole class or same sex. My son seems to be friends with more girls than boys though so that's not going to work for us.

Personally, if I couldn't do the whole class I wouldn't do it at all - at this age at least. I can send invites through the class as long as the whole class is invited which is also helpful.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

I'm probably in the few, but I think it's the whole class (or perhaps just girls and or just boys). My daughter, 8, recently experienced not being invited to a party. It really did hurt her feelings a lot. There is no way one can keep a party hush hush because kids talk.

 

[Southernmiss]

Goodness. Why can't this be a lesson that sometimes you'll be disappointed because life's not fair. And sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing others won't.

Mom of four and we've been on both sides.