BEER DRINKING PROMOTES LONGER LIFE, SAY DRUNKEN PILOTS
Recently Fired Cockpit Drunks Use Controversial Longevity Defense
Hoping to exonerate themselves, two pilots who were recently fired by their airline for engaging in a beer-drinking binge before flying have pointed to a new study showing that drinking beer may add years to ones life.
By drinking dozens of beers before takeoff, we were only hoping to extend our lives, said one of the drunken pilots. We believed then, and we believe now, that our remaining alive was in the best interest of our passengers.
While the drunken pilots so-called longevity defense is unlikely to find a sympathetic ear among the ever-dwindling flying public, Dr. Donald LeMasters of the University of Minnesota says there is overwhelming data in favor of pre-flight beer binges.
In addition to drinking, recent studies have shown that gambling and having sex in the cockpit may also increase ones life expectancy, Dr. LeMasters says. As hard as this may be for some people to swallow, science really is on the drunken pilots side.
The new studies are a rare piece of good news in what has been a difficult week for drunken pilots across the country.
With US Airways filing for bankruptcy this week, the number of drunken pilots filing for first-time unemployment benefits reached 17,000, believed to be a new record.
In other airline news, American Airlines, attempting to raise much-needed cash, said that passengers waiting on the runway to take off for four hours or more would incur a room charge equivalent to a one-day hotel stay.
In addition, American said, the airline plans to start selling passengers luggage instead of merely losing it.
****Borowitz Reports*****
Recently Fired Cockpit Drunks Use Controversial Longevity Defense
Hoping to exonerate themselves, two pilots who were recently fired by their airline for engaging in a beer-drinking binge before flying have pointed to a new study showing that drinking beer may add years to ones life.
By drinking dozens of beers before takeoff, we were only hoping to extend our lives, said one of the drunken pilots. We believed then, and we believe now, that our remaining alive was in the best interest of our passengers.
While the drunken pilots so-called longevity defense is unlikely to find a sympathetic ear among the ever-dwindling flying public, Dr. Donald LeMasters of the University of Minnesota says there is overwhelming data in favor of pre-flight beer binges.
In addition to drinking, recent studies have shown that gambling and having sex in the cockpit may also increase ones life expectancy, Dr. LeMasters says. As hard as this may be for some people to swallow, science really is on the drunken pilots side.
The new studies are a rare piece of good news in what has been a difficult week for drunken pilots across the country.
With US Airways filing for bankruptcy this week, the number of drunken pilots filing for first-time unemployment benefits reached 17,000, believed to be a new record.
In other airline news, American Airlines, attempting to raise much-needed cash, said that passengers waiting on the runway to take off for four hours or more would incur a room charge equivalent to a one-day hotel stay.
In addition, American said, the airline plans to start selling passengers luggage instead of merely losing it.
****Borowitz Reports*****
