Basically my wife TOLD me to take a Disney solo trip...

[Gary Stocker]

I wanted to see the 50th Anniversary on my 50th birthday in January but also wanted to bring my son (5) whose birthday is the day after mine.
In 2020 we went for my wife's birthday as a family and this past August for my daughter.
So I figured this would be a boy's trip.
However my wife thinks it's unfair to my daughter to leave her home so short of taking them both (by myself) which would be a nightmare as they would fight constantly (like siblings do) and there would always be the battle of someone being scared to go on a ride. When my wife was on the trips one of us would watch the kid(s) while the other went on Everest or ToT and rides like that...or when daddy wanted to take a quick trip into Epcot from the Boardwalk and partake.
I can work with the boy on these things and he is more brave (he went on Everest and ToT with me the last trip) and I could always push a stroller while he rested as the night arrived.
So, after discussing my wife said "You would have a better time going by yourself anyway so do that."
So I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth (I still would like to bring my son and would feel really guilty when I am there knowing my kids are in school while daddy drank a lapu lapu) but what are your thoughts? Don't think twice and start planning?
It is my birthday and this will be my last chance (almost certainly) to do this so leaning towards doing it but I have always appreciated the various opinions from you fine people. Since it is a Solo Travelers post I am probably just looking for reinforcement for a foregone conclusion but who knows?
Thanks!
Gary

 

[Karin1984]

Would be fun to also post this in the family section to see if there is a difference response

Don't think, just do it.

 

[taterheads]

I tend to agree that if your wife isn't going and you don't think you can work with both of your kiddos going, soloing it is the better option over taking only one of your children. Kids have memories like steel traps and your daughter will never forget that you favored your son over her for a trip to Disney World. If your wife suggested and supports a solo trip then I would say go for it.

 

[Gary Stocker]

I tend to agree that if your wife isn't going and you don't think you can work with both of your kiddos going, soloing it is the better option over taking only one of your children. Kids have memories like steel traps and your daughter will never forget that you favored your son over her for a trip to Disney World. If your wife suggested and supports a solo trip then I would say go for it.

Kids have memories like steel traps and your daughter will never forget that you favored your son over her for a trip to Disney World.

Not if I take her by herself...point taken though.

 

[RogueX]

Short of managing to get another father/child trip arranged later in the year where you could take the other child, go solo and have fun.

Speaking as the middle child, we never forget all the things the parents did for the other sibling...EVER, ha, ha.

 

[stephk1981]

I agree with your wife, it would be completely unfair to take your DS without your DD.....unless you schedule a Daddy/ DD trip shortly after. Is there any way for you and your wife to go for your birthday? Grandparents or friends to watch the kids etc? My thoughts on this, are that if your wife lets you have a solo trip, then that entitles her to a solo trip in the near future as well. Then you will end up with both children by yourself at home ( possibly fighting?). If you are against your wife doing a solo trip soon, then do not accept this ' gift'.

 

[HopperFan]

If you would like to do and would enjoy a solo trip - go for it! People do it all the time.

But if you really would like a father-son trip then I don't think there is anything wrong with that AS LONG as you talk to your daughter about planning a daddy-daughter trip somewhere later.

I think individual kid's trips where they can get one-on-one is a healthy and fun memory for them to have. I travel all the time with one son (he is disabled and lives for Disney more than the others), my other son and daughter each had their own trips with Dad when they were 12 and flying for first time. They each got an international trip with Dad to the place of their choice (Rome & Tokyo). DS and I went to Mardi Gras one year. DD and I have had beach trips. And there were more. Only child time is special!

 

[bsmcneil]

I agree with your wife, it would be completely unfair to take your DS without your DD.....unless you schedule a Daddy/ DD trip shortly after. Is there any way for you and your wife to go for your birthday? Grandparents or friends to watch the kids etc? My thoughts on this, are that if your wife lets you have a solo trip, then that entitles her to a solo trip in the near future as well. Then you will end up with both children by yourself at home ( possibly fighting?). If you are against your wife doing a solo trip soon, then do not accept this ' gift'.

To be fair (mainly because I literally just had this conversation with my kids), I don't really agree. If someone says, "You can do X" that doesn't entitle them to something later. If you give a gift, it's a gift. It could be valid to say, "Feel free to take a solo trip but also know I'd like one later" but it feels really weird to not say that and then feel entitled to it (and maybe I'm just keen on clear communication). It was also really drilled into me as a kid to not give someone something with an expectation that it's returned the same way.

 

[stephk1981]

Duplicate

 

[stephk1981]

Duplicate

 

[stephk1981]

To be fair (mainly because I literally just had this conversation with my kids), I don't really agree. If someone says, "You can do X" that doesn't entitle them to something later. If you give a gift, it's a gift. It could be valid to say, "Feel free to take a solo trip but also know I'd like one later" but it feels really weird to not say that and then feel entitled to it (and maybe I'm just keen on clear communication). It was also really drilled into me as a kid to not give someone something with an expectation that it's returned the same way.

@bsmcneilI It's always nice to be kind to your spouse and extend to them the same courtesy that they gave to you.....it doesn't mean it's ' expected' , but does ensure for a healthy happy marriage.....and I'm sure his wife would appreciate the gesture!

 

[Gary Stocker]

Appreciate all of you. She has been hinting not so subtley for a 50th bday cruise..

 

[stephk1981]

Appreciate all of you. She has been hinting not so subtley for a 50th bday cruise..

What an amazing idea, you two would have a great time!

 

[Gary Stocker]

What an amazing idea, you two would have a great time!

Not with me though...with friends. No misgivings on my end. As a nurse she deserves more than I can convey some time away..which makes her offer even more amazing

 

[stephk1981]

Not with me though...with friends. No misgivings on my end. As a nurse she deserves more than I can convey some time away..which makes her offer even more amazing

So happy for you both then, and you BOTH deserve a wonderful trip. Your wife and all Healthcare workers are heroes!

 

[DL1WDW2]

knowing the rest of the story…. Your acceptance / solo trip will also make it easier for her to take cruise without feeling like she shouldn’t go.
Otherwise you don’t go, then she will feel like she shouldn’t go…
I would have 3 piggy banks so your children understand this is part of family planning. One for your trip ,one for wife and one for family that you can dream and save for. Something really special that everybody would enjoy together.

 

[Gary Stocker]

I guess the next logical question is..which resort? Thinking French Quarter..the skyliner is down the week of my bday...so no Caribbean.

 

[bsmcneil]

I wrote the last part first and it was so long, that I moved my actual comment up here, for OP, lol.

ALLLLLLLLL of that said - OP - I think take the solo trip (though I definitely like the idea of two Dad/child trips).

@bsmcneilI It's always nice to be kind to your spouse and extend to them the same courtesy that they gave to you.....it doesn't mean it's ' expected' , but does ensure for a healthy happy marriage.....and I'm sure his wife would appreciate the gesture!

Nice, definitely. I mean - I think the wife suggesting the solo trip was nice. I can't really articulate it but we have different perspectives on relationships, etc and I totally understand yours. From my perspective, healthy happy relationships/marriage are built on clear communication and in my experience of conflicts, it's usually when there's an expectation not being met that wasn't necessarily explicitly named.

My line of work has me working with individuals/couples/families/groups where conflict and pain can be avoided when we're honest about our expectations (I mean, if I were the OP in this situation, I'd be the one to say - hey and would you like to plan something for yourself (maybe it's a spa and not a trip, or it's X but not Y). For me, this gets into things like "love languages". It could be that the partner wouldn't enjoy a solo trip in the same way OP might and so assuming it's a tit-for-tat isn't always great.

Why not (as OP's DW) just proactively name what you'd like in return or that you don't need anything in return AND/OR why not have OP ask if DW would like that or how they might feel it's equitable (and if the DW didn't start off by asking something, she may feel it is equitable). And that is what I strive for, and encourage others to work towards, in relationships - it doesn't have to be completely equal, split 50/50 (one of my lines and it may have originated somewhere but it popped in my mind one meeting was, "if you're keeping score, you're losing" (by which I mean, for me - and perhaps others - give and take is helpful and there are times I can show up for my family more than my partner can (and vice versa - for instance, someone is sick) and it would not serve me well to keep a running tally of "You got 3 sick days (or, for Schitt's Creek fans - "selfish") and so I get 3. What if one person's immune is way down and 3 is really wiping them out but it only really takes the other partner 1 day. Things like that. Again - we all have different styles and me writing isn't about changing anyone's - just lifting up clarity helps me. Another key phrase - surprised people respond poorly (surprised in a bad way) - because if partner A goes on solo trip and there's been no discussion about partner B going and then B is like, "OK, I'm off," it may work smoothly and it may create some conflict. So, it never hurts to mention your hopes/wants/expectations/boundaries proactively vs. assuming someone will do what you think they should do without you telling them that's what you want.

 

[bsmcneil]

@stephk1981 - I feel like I should also say - in this story, I have been the one who encouraged this sort of thing. Soon (3 months after my youngest was born), my partner wanted to go visit friends for a week while I stayed home with a newborn and toddler. But that's sort of my style. In that situation, I didn't ask that we create some equal time for me - quite honestly, that's not what "fills my cup." I did offer some suggestions about what would help me feel good and sort of treated equitably so I didn't get resentful - and in other situations, I have and/or they've asked me/suggested it. We all have different flows and not knowing OP's, etc - who knows what would be best for them (except for them). Anyway - you make good points!

 

[stephk1981]

@stephk1981 - I feel like I should also say - in this story, I have been the one who encouraged this sort of thing. Soon (3 months after my youngest was born), my partner wanted to go visit friends for a week while I stayed home with a newborn and toddler. But that's sort of my style. In that situation, I didn't ask that we create some equal time for me - quite honestly, that's not what "fills my cup." I did offer some suggestions about what would help me feel good and sort of treated equitably so I didn't get resentful - and in other situations, I have and/or they've asked me/suggested it. We all have different flows and not knowing OP's, etc - who knows what would be best for them (except for them). Anyway - you make good points!

From both of your responses, I can tell you are a caring spouse. I do understand where you are coming from completely. I can see why you are in the line of work that you are, and you are most likely saving relationships everyday! Just to reiterate, I don't agree with a ' i give you x then you give me y' situations. However, I do think that being kind and considerate to each other in relationships is the only way to keep it strong( as it seems you do also.) Sometimes the other partner won't be kind enough to give you any sick days, any baby nights or days away so you must negotiate unfortunately.