Balancing family from different sides? :( UPDATE pg. 2, #17

[GentleOceanWind]

We planned a big Disney vacation during Thanksgiving week. My dh NEEDS a vacation, seriously just needs downtime and he is the kind of person who can't feel on vacation unless he is traveling. So he came up with the idea to rent a house in Orlando for a week (MUCH cheaper than hotels plus you get so much more). The trip will be a huge Christmas gift to our exchange student, and also to my in-laws, who we are flying in and covering tickets and all expenses for (they could not afford it otherwise).

MIL said she needs to work on Thanksgiving for the holiday pay, so they can't come until the day after, which gives them Friday-Monday to visit before flying out Tuesday morning (when we'll head home).

Next we invited my mom to drive up (she's 3.5 hours away) and join us for the first portion of our trip, which would be from the Tuesday before Thanksgiving through Saturday.

We have enough space for everyone to stay the whole trip. BUT my inlaws are super freaky folks and have never had a healthy grip on love and relationships. My dh grew up without other family, because his parents are so extremely insecure and socially dysfunctional. LONG story with them, but the short of it is that I am cool with splitting the time with different grandparents.

My mom sees the kids several times a year, and is coming for two weeks over Christmas (we'll share her w/my brother and their 4 kids). My IL's haven't seen the kids in over a year, and we pretty much see them for one 3-4 day visit per year, if that. They are reserved and not active with the kids, and my mom is energizing and engaging. If both sets are g'parents are around, the kids are going to gravitate to my mom and it won't be much of a visit w/the other g'parents. Not to mention they are likely to retreat to their bedroom and stay there the entire time.

I know we are enabling them in one aspect by even creating the situation (splitting the time). I WISH we could have a "more the merrier" atmosphere and just let the kids enjoy being loved on from all the g'parents. I am very social and think we would have a blast! I don't want to enable my dh who has been basically trained to enable his parents from birth, but after 12 years of dealing with my in-laws, agree w/my dh that the trip will be miserable if we don't carve out some alone time w/his parents.

Here's the issue...

1. We've paid for everything, non-refundable. I am already stressed about the money and feel it is a foolish thing for us to do right now. I am losing sleep over this. But it's done and I do see my dh needing the time away.

2. Dh has not told his parents that my mom will be there for any period of time. I told you he's been trapped in an enabling mindset from birth. He has come a LONG way but obviously nobody is perfect. I told him he must tell them and if they choose not to join us, that's their loss. He is 100% certain they won't come and then it will be at least another year before they will visit/talk/etc., which honestly I agree with because that's just how unhealthy they are and what they have always done. My dh knows his parents are emotionally unhealthy but they are still his mom and dad and he loves them and wants them to see and share his children, yk?

3. My mom (big issues already there, she abandoned our family when I was 10) has decided that she would rather not have been invited at all than asked to leave during the weekend when she already has the time off work. To add to the stress, her bday is the Monday after Thanksgiving. But here's the thing, my mom will NEVER commit to any days of time with us. She's promised many trips before and never follows through. We drive to visit her and she never gives any confirmation of days she can spend with us, always puts her work needs first and makes that very clear. She still hasn't purchased plane tix for her upcoming promised Christmas trip, or been willing to take any days off work for the Tues/Wed before Thanksgiving when we will be in Orlando wanting to spend time w/her. Now she is "so hurt" that she won't even talk to me on the phone, though she was perfectly gabby and sweet on my bday this weekend, when I called her the day after, she informed me that she was still too hurt to talk.

And here's another twist - Monday after Thanksgiving is my mom's bday. This is one of two days we can actually manage to do alone w/my inlaws. And honestly, it would be SO unlike my mother to take any time off work. I know in my bones that if we hadn't asked her to share the time, she would be in a totally noncommittal place ("I have to work, I can't just take time off like you can...") and most likely wouldn't join us beyond the weekend anyway.

Dh and I are MAD. We are giving our parents an all-expense luxury trip to Disney with their kids and grandkids! We feel stuck in a hard place, which I know my dh put us in (and WHY didn't I think to make sure he had talked to his parents before I invited my mom :doh ). Instead of great excitement and joy over an upcoming Disney trip, it is making us lose sleep and causing great stress.

Thank you if you've made it this far. I know it is confusing and weird and unhealthy. But it's what we're dealing with. I am feeling more depressed every day with my mom not speaking to me. I've lost my joy in planning a fun trip for my children and husband.

We went from excitement and anticipation over the trip to wishing we had never started a thing and just ran away without family somewhere. We thought about cutting our losses but it is thousands of hard-earned dollars and besides, we do want to take our dc to Disney. They will never be 8.5 and 2.5 again, and for ds especially, he is getting closer and closer to losing interest in some of the younger Disney things that we want to see lighting up in his eyes while we still can.

Please share your honest thoughts, prayers, anything!

 

[livndisney]

We planned a big Disney vacation during Thanksgiving week. My dh NEEDS a vacation, seriously just needs downtime and he is the kind of person who can't feel on vacation unless he is traveling. So he came up with the idea to rent a house in Orlando for a week (MUCH cheaper than hotels plus you get so much more). The trip will be a huge Christmas gift to our exchange student, and also to my in-laws, who we are flying in and covering tickets and all expenses for (they could not afford it otherwise).

MIL said she needs to work on Thanksgiving for the holiday pay, so they can't come until the day after, which gives them Friday-Monday to visit before flying out Tuesday morning (when we'll head home).

Next we invited my mom to drive up (she's 3.5 hours away) and join us for the first portion of our trip, which would be from the Tuesday before Thanksgiving through Saturday.

We have enough space for everyone to stay the whole trip. BUT my inlaws are super freaky folks and have never had a healthy grip on love and relationships. My dh grew up without other family, because his parents are so extremely insecure and socially dysfunctional. LONG story with them, but the short of it is that I am cool with splitting the time with different grandparents.

My mom sees the kids several times a year, and is coming for two weeks over Christmas (we'll share her w/my brother and their 4 kids). My IL's haven't seen the kids in over a year, and we pretty much see them for one 3-4 day visit per year, if that. They are reserved and not active with the kids, and my mom is energizing and engaging. If both sets are g'parents are around, the kids are going to gravitate to my mom and it won't be much of a visit w/the other g'parents. Not to mention they are likely to retreat to their bedroom and stay there the entire time.

I know we are enabling them in one aspect by even creating the situation (splitting the time). I WISH we could have a "more the merrier" atmosphere and just let the kids enjoy being loved on from all the g'parents. I am very social and think we would have a blast! I don't want to enable my dh who has been basically trained to enable his parents from birth, but after 12 years of dealing with my in-laws, agree w/my dh that the trip will be miserable if we don't carve out some alone time w/his parents.

Here's the issue...

1. We've paid for everything, non-refundable. I am already stressed about the money and feel it is a foolish thing for us to do right now. I am losing sleep over this. But it's done and I do see my dh needing the time away.

2. Dh has not told his parents that my mom will be there for any period of time. I told you he's been trapped in an enabling mindset from birth. He has come a LONG way but obviously nobody is perfect. I told him he must tell them and if they choose not to join us, that's their loss. He is 100% certain they won't come and then it will be at least another year before they will visit/talk/etc., which honestly I agree with because that's just how unhealthy they are and what they have always done. My dh knows his parents are emotionally unhealthy but they are still his mom and dad and he loves them and wants them to see and share his children, yk?

3. My mom (big issues already there, she abandoned our family when I was 10) has decided that she would rather not have been invited at all than asked to leave during the weekend when she already has the time off work. To add to the stress, her bday is the Monday after Thanksgiving. But here's the thing, my mom will NEVER commit to any days of time with us. She's promised many trips before and never follows through. We drive to visit her and she never gives any confirmation of days she can spend with us, always puts her work needs first and makes that very clear. She still hasn't purchased plane tix for her upcoming promised Christmas trip, or been willing to take any days off work for the Tues/Wed before Thanksgiving when we will be in Orlando wanting to spend time w/her. Now she is "so hurt" that she won't even talk to me on the phone, though she was perfectly gabby and sweet on my bday this weekend, when I called her the day after, she informed me that she was still too hurt to talk.

And here's another twist - Monday after Thanksgiving is my mom's bday. This is one of two days we can actually manage to do alone w/my inlaws. And honestly, it would be SO unlike my mother to take any time off work. I know in my bones that if we hadn't asked her to share the time, she would be in a totally noncommittal place ("I have to work, I can't just take time off like you can...") and most likely wouldn't join us beyond the weekend anyway.

Dh and I are MAD. We are giving our parents an all-expense luxury trip to Disney with their kids and grandkids! We feel stuck in a hard place, which I know my dh put us in (and WHY didn't I think to make sure he had talked to his parents before I invited my mom :doh ). Instead of great excitement and joy over an upcoming Disney trip, it is making us lose sleep and causing great stress.

Thank you if you've made it this far. I know it is confusing and weird and unhealthy. But it's what we're dealing with. I am feeling more depressed every day with my mom not speaking to me. I've lost my joy in planning a fun trip for my children and husband.

We went from excitement and anticipation over the trip to wishing we had never started a thing and just ran away without family somewhere. We thought about cutting our losses but it is thousands of hard-earned dollars and besides, we do want to take our dc to Disney. They will never be 8.5 and 2.5 again, and for ds especially, he is getting closer and closer to losing interest in some of the younger Disney things that we want to see lighting up in his eyes while we still can.

Please share your honest thoughts, prayers, anything!

WOW!

Are you my sister? This all sounds very familiar
One thing I have learned-you can't make everybody happy. I've tried-it doesn't work. Your DH has to tell the IL's your Mom will be there. If it a problem, better they find out before they are sitting in the living room. If they CHOOSE to not make the trip. Then it is on them. (Yes it should have been mentioned before but.....). The other thing I have learned, you can't make other people be the kind of Grandparents YOU want them to be.

Get back YOUR joy, enJOY your children and YOUR trip. Anything else is gravy. If (Insert family member here) chooses to be a (Positive) part of YOUR magic fine. If they choose to be difficult, ignore them.

Have a wonderful trip!!!!!!!

 

[GentleOceanWind]

Thank you SO much! I just got done reading a Joyce Meyer devotional and it said the same thing, get back my joy! "If you've lost your hope, peace and joy, you've got to get back your faith! Believe that God has everything under control and your peace and joy will instantly return."

Then to come and read your words, how very encouraging! Thanks, "sis"!

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I agree with the previous poster. There is no way to please everyone all the time. If I were you I would be upfront with everyone as to what is planned. If they choose to not be a part of it, then that is there choice.

I know that it is easier said than done, but just try to relax and enjoy your vacation. You have been extremely generous to your family members in giving them this trip, and if they don't appreciate it enough to put aside their own issues then let that be their problem. Have a wonderful time and enjoy the World with your kids!!!

 

[glesgalass]

I kinda agree with what they've said. But I would still have to meddle if it was me. This is what I'd do.

Tell your mother you love her and want to have a nice positive time with her but if she won't play ball then you'll understand if she feels unable to come. Leave it as her decision, and that'll either shame her into behaving, or not coming, either way it won't be your fault as you've left the decision to her.

As for your inlaws, don't worry about them either. I say don't tell them til just before, and then casually mention that your mother is coming, but you didn't say anything before because it wasn't definite (it's not just now, anyway, is it?) Explain to them who'll be where when, and say that it doesn't change how excited your kids are to see them, and how the kids are sooo excited they'll get to see both grannies in the same holiday, and what a treat it is for them, etc. Then if they choose not to come, that'll be down to them alone.

Most of all, don't sweat it. If they come - good, if not, well, the money's already spent, and them not being there and losing the money is better than them coming, ruining your holiday, and then thinking about all that money down the drain on that crap holiday you had in 2008!!!

I'll just tell you that we have the family pretty much from hell too. In fact, I've had to cut off all contact with my own parents as the situation was causing problems in my marriage, and with my kids, and the last eight months have been the most relaxed I've been in years. Family who love you shouldn't be causing you stress and worry.

 

[glesgalass]

Sorry, I've just thought of something else I want to say. This thing with your mother not speaking to you, then being all friendly at your birthday, then switching off again, can I guess that this is her "thing"? If so, it sounds to me like she is using it to manipulate your feelings, and has probably used it in that way since whatever happened when you were 10. Have you had some counselling to deal with your relationship with her? If not, I highly reccommend it.

My personal stuaution was that I thought it was my relationship with my father which had caused me all my emotional problems, it took me a lot of expensive counselling and many many packets of tissues to realise my mother was the one who had manipulated me all of my days, and yours sounds awfully familiar!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to presume to know everything, I just wish someone had pointed some of these things out to me long before I saw them myself.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

Well from someone who has wacky unhealthy family.... I sympathize.

First of all, if I were in your shoes with this particular situation I would not indulge your mothers temper tantrum. I would simply call her and say "Mom, we will be in Orlando from X to X and you're welcome to join us from X to X if you can't make it, we understand and we will miss you. I understand that you're hurt but my children have other grandparents that they need to spend time with." and then get off the phone with her. No more indulging in the fits.

As far as your inlaws go, DH needs to casually call them up and say "My MIL will be there the first two days you guys come and then is leaving." if they have a problem with it tell him to apologize and that he hopes they will still be able to make it because the kids are looking forward to seeing them.

If both sets show, great- don't stress yourself out, go with the flow, ignore any passive aggressive behavior (or fire back with something equally as passive agreesive) and make sure YOUR CHILDREN are your number one priority not the emotions of the unstable parents.

If they don't show, oh well, too bad, so sorry. You and your family STILL deserve this fabulous trip that you're planning. Force yourself to get happy, fake it until you feel it. Get on all the disney sites with your kids, show them different attractions, ask what they are looking forward to the most... Disney is so magical, and your kids will only be this age once.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

First I want to say that I think you have a very generous and giving heart. That is so sweet that you want to give everyone a wonderful vacation.

Unfortunately, (I found this out the hard way) if is very difficult, if not impossible to have a happy, drama free trip with a large family group. Especially when you are dealing with both sides of the family at once.
Try to make the best of your trip. You really cant win on this one.

 

[tlbwriter]

3. My mom (big issues already there, she abandoned our family when I was 10) has decided that she would rather not have been invited at all than asked to leave during the weekend when she already has the time off work.

"Mom, I've been thinking about what you said, how you'd rather not be invited at all than be invited for only part of our vacation. I want to respect your wishes, so instead of joining us in Orlando, we'll just see you in December. Thank you for being honest about your feelings." Then, when she sputters that of course she'll be there, you can say "No, really, I wouldn't dream of asking you to do something that you're so clearly opposed to. It's okay, don't worry about it. We'll have a great time when we see you at Christmas."

Stop worrying about "the kids only being this age once." It doesn't sound like it would be a happy memory for the kids if it happened the way you originally planned it.

 

[glesgalass]

"Mom, I've been thinking about what you said, how you'd rather not be invited at all than be invited for only part of our vacation. I want to respect your wishes, so instead of joining us in Orlando, we'll just see you in December. Thank you for being honest about your feelings." Then, when she sputters that of course she'll be there, you can say "No, really, I wouldn't dream of asking you to do something that you're so clearly opposed to. It's okay, don't worry about it. We'll have a great time when we see you at Christmas."

Very eloquent. That's exactly what I'd do, now that you have the words to say it. You should write this down so that you have it in front of you when the time comes. Well done tlb

 

[sk!mom]

Wow- Since you invited Dh's parent's first, haven't seen them in a long time, and plan to see your mother over Christmas, then I would tell your mom that her invitation is for the days prior to your inlaws arrival. That would mean spending Thanksgiving with her. Your mom lives close so this should be doable. If she balks- her choice to drop out.

 

[RobinFabulous]

Wow!
Seriously you have a lot of co-dependency issues. You've done this trip with a giving heart and basically people have spit in your face.

I've delt with screwed up inlaws and parents and after many years of therapy I've come to the conclusion that you can only be responsible for your actions. You've invited if inlaws or mother do not come and see the children, well sorry it's their loss.
I spent so much time trying to make sure they all got to enjoy my oldest that I ran myself ragged. I have a home in which they are welcomed ANY time, period. If they want to see my children, well the roads run both ways.
You have to focus on your CHILDREN, you cannot change the past, you cannot change these people, but you CAN make sure that your children grow up happy and secure, even if it is without grandparent involvement.

It's really a shame that people have to be so selfish, but there is simply nothing you can do.

 

[GentleOceanWind]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone!

I'm so impressed by this community and truly appreciate you all taking the time to read my LOOOONG post and respond with such care and insight. I let my dh read this thread and it was equally as helpful/validating to him as well. Thank you so much for the encouragement and advice, we are definitely taking it to heart!

I took the kids to the DW website and will be making a countdown chain tomorrow - they are so excited! This has also shown dh and I that we want to really simplify our lives, and how important it is to break the cycles we grew up in.

I'll keep you updated on how things go!

 

[Nie0214]

That was a very generous attempt at a vacation, and you took everyone into account. My grandparents would be thrilled to see me no matter how it happens, if these people are so caught up with themselves to manipulate you and try and make you feel bad for doing something so generous.. well then they can do as they please and you should just make the most of the time with your family in Disney.

You definitely can't please everyone all the time, and it's even harder to please people that don't seem to want to be happy.

 

[sashagiselle]

First off, hugs, I know its a stressful situation. I know you mentioned several times about your DH being conditioned since birth, but it sounds like you have been conditioned by your mom as well. As a previous poster mentioned, she is trying to manipulate you. I used to stress out about situations like this and not sleep and stomach pains from all the worry, but I've learned to just let go. It it what it is, we cannot control peoples reactions or behaviors. You guys paid for the trip and planned it out of love for your families. Sit down with your DH and figure out what works best for you and your children, once you have that, present the plan to the parents and let the chips fall where they will. As a previous poster mentioned leave the decision to them. Best of luck and SMILE you guys are going to Disneyworld and its going to be AWESOME

 

[disneynewbee]

Wow sounds alot like my family. To me it all sounds to stressful to be considered a vacation at this point. I would flat out tell both of them what you are expecting and be honest about the circumstances and let them know you need a definate decision within 3 days on whether they plan on coming. If you don't get an answer in 3 days you will assume they are not. You should not have to sit around and worry about whos coming or not or pay for tickets and have people not show. Let your mother know that she needs to commit or not but that it can't be left up in the air since you don't want your kids expecting her and her not show. Better yet I'd tell them all that you are cancelling the trip and then go without them all LOL.

 

[GentleOceanWind]

Just thought I'd update for anyone interested.

My mom and I eventually worked it out, and she apologized to me and admitted that she had a hard time handling my request and needed time to process it. She also said she was grateful for the trip/time together, and would do whatever would be easiest on my marriage/family for the trip. She offered to leave the house when we go to pick up my inlaws at the airport the day after Thanksgiving.

But you know, at that point I was mad at my dh. Here I had asked my mom to leave during the weekend when she had time off work, AND to spend her birthday alone when she could be celebrating in Disney with her family. And my dh STILL had not told his parents anything about Mom being there at all (his original plan was for their visits to overlap like one day).

So we had a heart-to-heart and he decided to tell his parents that my mom was going to be there. BUT he told them she'd be there the whole time, which I did not ask him to do but he said he knew when the time came it would feel wrong to ask her to leave just because his parents are socia-phobes (which he admits).

His father made his mother get on the phone and dh had to tell her as well, then told them we were all looking forward to a great trip and the grandkids especially can't wait to see them, and we have a wonderful time planned. His parents told him they needed to talk about whether they could join us after all , and he told them fine, he would call back this weekend for their decision.

I feel badly for him, he says he's fine but I know my dh and can tell this is adding stress to him.

 

[GentleOceanWind]

One more update....we are ALL here and having a wonderful time! All that worry for nothing, shewwie!

 

[quasar4legs]

Ahhh, so glad it has been a success. Enjoy the rest of your trip and big hugs to you all, family can be a wonderful thing.
Remember 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'

Cheers Trish

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

That is great! And you give me hope for my Chritmas trip with my sister's family, sister in-law and My DH's parents...all in one house. Everyone keeps asking me for the plan since I am "the link" between the two families. The trip was not my idea, but I am now in charge! Hope it all works out for us!