Back to family obligations

[Marseeya]

I just want to or

I don't know if any of you remember this, but a while back I went through this thing where I started having to shoulder a lot of obligations towards my uncle and his medical care that I am NOT willing to do, so I made it very clear to the family to count me out. Sorry, but you can't treat people like dirt most of their lives and expect them to suddenly WANT to drop their lives to take care of you.

It's happening again. My mother called and didn't directly ask me for help with my uncle, taking him to the hospital and holding his hand, but did the "I don't know what to do." I gave her several solutions, but she didn't like any of them. I know she wanted me to just drop everything to help him, and she was angry that I told her I couldn't. And what's really infuriating is, my mother is homebound herself. My uncle needs to quit laying this all in her lap -- the thing is, though, he knows that she'll go right to her daughters.

Logically, I'm the only one there is, because I don't work. Well, I didn't choose to stay home so that I could care for aging relatives who mean nothing to me! I hate to sound cold, but again, I was treated very badly by this man. My sister gets along with him, but we certainly can't ask her. She works.

So, why do I feel so guilty??? I offered a few good alternatives (like a shuttle service, having my uncle's GF take him, then having my DH or BIL pick him up from the hospital). She didn't like any of those options. She wants someone with him to hold his hand.

Anyway, I'm sorry, and thanks for listening. I just need to vent. I would move heaven and earth for loved ones, but I can't stand the fact that so much is automatically going to fall to me because I live closest, and I don't work. Again, maybe these people should have thought of all this while they were walking all over me!

 

[luvwinnie]

This is why I treat my nieces like GOLD!

Seriously, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Is this man was horrible to you, then he deserves what he gets now. Sounds cold, but it's true. You may not work, but you have A LIFE and you can't drop everything for someone who won't even appreciate it.

 

[NMAmy]

Oh, Marseeya--no advice except to say stick to your guns. And to you. Just what you need...more stress.

 

[Dory's Twin]

do not feel guilty....we reap what we sew and this man is reaping!

There are many options open to him and if the positions were reversed I am sure that he would have no hesitation about not helping you!

Stick to it and know that you have lots of from DIS!

 

[Nancyg56]

Oh Marseeya, don't let anyone guilt you into doing things that you have a reason not to do. Your mother knows very well what your reasons are, and should respect your decision. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[agnes!]

Slightly OT...but I just love how since you supposedly DON'T "work" that you are available to schlep this relative around. Well, you DO work, just not outside the home!
Hmmmm...maybe you could say that you'll do it...but only for a PRICE ? Maybe you could tell your mom that you won't even consider doing it not even for the money unless your DU apologizes for his misdeeds towards you and then asks you *himself* face-to-face.

Also, what about your DU's GF ? Is she absolutely unable to hold her beloved's hand while he's at the hospital?

Some people are toxic. Being around them can be unhealthy. Sometimes it's not even what they did in the past, but that their patterns of behavior continue & that they refuse to do any kind of atoning for their past behavior.

agnes!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Marseeya, let me teach you my favorite mantra.

NOT MY DRAMA, NOT MY DRAMA, NOT MY DRAMA.

My father is terminally ill. We are estranged because he treats people like crap. I had enough, I walked away. My mother (who he divorced because she wasn't good enough for him) and my sisters still apparently enjoy being treated like crap so they are still involved with him.

My mother calls me every day to tell me how terrible he looks, how pitiful he is, how my sister won't sign a DNR since she is next of kin and has Power of Attorney. But you know what? This is NOT MY DRAMA. Being related to someone does not mean you are obligated to accept horrible treatment from them indefinitely. Toxic people are not allowed in my life, and if they are dying from liver failure they are STILL not allowed in my life. While recent events are certainly unfortunate they were not a surprise. None of this is my problem, even if my mother wants it to be.

Don't feel guilty.

 

[EthansMom]

Logically, I'm the only one there is, because I don't work.

Marseeya,

The first thing you need to do is learn that you do WORK. You work hard, taking care of your kids, your husband, the house, etc....

I was an engineer for several years before staying home to be a Full Time Mom and, personally, I find being with the kids full time to be a harder job. So, when someone asks "Do you work?" I say, "Yes, I work really hard but I don't get paid anything."

My point being, that you're not working an outside job so that you can devote your time and energy to the things you've made a priority. I think you handled your Mom just right by giving her several viable options. If she or your uncle doesn't care for the options, then you just need to say, "Well, I'm sorry I couldn't help you!" and leave it at that. No need to allow yourself to be guilted into doing anything you can't/won't/really don't want to do.

Honestly, if I was you I would have told your Mom that perhaps it was time that you found an assisted living facility for your uncle so that he could have this kind of help close-to-hand.

to you!

 

[Marseeya]

Awww, thank you guys for the supportive words. I was half afraid of getting flamed a bit, but I think family obligation is something we all have to face in our own way.

Just to answer a couple of questions, Agnes, my uncle's GF would be more than happy to be by his side, but she's afraid to drive. The doctor wanted to send my uncle to a hospital out of town (which, he is there now, but I'm not sure of the details as to how he got there) and his GF was nervous about getting back. That's why I offered the DH/BIL alternative to help her out getting back. And speaking of the GF, she's another one to worry about! She's got no family herself, so what happens when she can't care for herself? Ay yi yi.

jackskellingtonsgirl, I have to adopt your mantra! See my tag? The TF even knows that drama tries to follow me. Is your mother trying to get you involved in your father's care? Did she ever move on and remarry?

Ethansmom, I agree with you about the not working vs. working, but my family doesn't see it that way. They feel that my pursuit of a masters degree is a huge waste of time and energy, and that the only "real" work is a good honest hard day's work (waitressing, nursing, retail business, etc... you get the My mother worked from a very early age, like 12, and she is appalled that I don't right now. She thinks these past 10 years have been a vacation for me, but I'm extremely grateful for that time home with my kids, and the opportunity to earn my degrees. It's interesting to note, however, that my uncle has hardly worked in his life. He stayed home to take care of his parents.

Regarding the assisted living, I have brought that up. My uncle lives about 10 miles out of town and I keep saying that he needs to sell that house and move to a small apartment in town or in an assisted living facility. I've seen the low-income ones in my town and have known a few people who have lived there -- they are very nice. I think his quality of life would be drastically improved by doing that, as would my parents if they moved into one as well, but they won't hear anything of it.

 

[LoveWDW]

If you would feel even the slightest twinge of guilt if you do nothing, you should reconsider.

I was always on pleasant but not close terms with my aunt and uncle. Now my aunt is disabled. They have other nieces and nephews, who are much closer and have a closer relationship, but all work. I have one day a week off- Tuesdays. So on Tuesday I go over and sit with my aunt and do light housework so that my uncle can go out and run errands. I would prefer to use my day off for myself and my household, but my aunt used to babysit for us when the kids were small, so I figure that even though I had paid her with Gift Certificates and other nice gifts, I feel that she is family, after all, and I must put my own desires aside. It is not at all the same situation that you have - the bad relationship. I thought I'd mention it in case you might want to set one day or one morning aside each week for an "uncle" day when you are available to help out. But no pressure from me to do so.

 

[LMC]

Mine is "You're not gonna' make your problem my problem" And I live by that. I've got too much junk going on to take on anyone else's mess.

If YOU feel like doing something to help, and it doesn't put you out then that's your choice but when family ties are strained your immediate (dh, kids) have to come first to survive.

Marseeya, let me teach you my favorite mantra.

NOT MY DRAMA, NOT MY DRAMA, NOT MY DRAMA.

 

[Feralpeg]

So, why do I feel so guilty???

Maybe it is because you know you have a chance to do something for someone and it would be a nice thing to do.

Please don't take this wrong. I don't know your history with your uncle or you personal obligations, but sometimes we just need to put things aside and do something for someone when they are in need. You would be the bigger person.

Who knows? It might be the start of a better relationship between the two of you. I hope things work out for both you and your uncle.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Marseeya, let me teach you my favorite mantra.

NOT MY DRAMA, NOT MY DRAMA, NOT MY DRAMA.

Love it!!!!
I moved 600 miles away... As much as I miss my family, they are a sucking vortex of drama. I have to hear...blah, blah, blah...on & on & on & on....ack!
Then when it is my turn to talk about the "good things" in my life, they tune me out.
If I want to talk about negative things they are all ears.

 

[Marseeya]

Maybe it is because you know you have a chance to do something for someone and it would be a nice thing to do.

Please don't take this wrong. I don't know your history with your uncle or you personal obligations, but sometimes we just need to put things aside and do something for someone when they are in need. You would be the bigger person.

Who knows? It might be the start of a better relationship between the two of you. I hope things work out for both you and your uncle.

Thanks for the hugs. The thing is, I try not to let my guilt be a gauge of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm the original queen of guilt. I feel guilty when I see a homeless person.

I know this is going to sound awful, but I just don't know if I want a better, or any, relationship with my uncle. I feel as if that ship has sailed a long, long time ago, but my mother has never really accepted it and has tried to force this relationship for a long time because her brother is her priority, and she feels that he should be our (my sister and me) priority too.

I talked to my sister about all this last night, and she started her "but I work" thing (saying, "I work," as if it absolves her of everything, if that makes sense), so I basically stood up for myself (without being defensive) and told her that working is her choice, as staying home and earning my degree is mine, and how would she feel if the situation were reversed. I think she finally understood where I was coming from! So, we're going to work together to try to come up with acceptable solutions. I told her that I can't fight this alone and we need to present a united front, and she's with me on it. I can't tell you what a relief it is, because it was usually just MY problem.

I'm going to help to the best of my ability, but that doesn't include being my uncle's emotional support.

 

[slo]

No flaming here

I have family members that treated me like nothing and I wouldn't drop everything to help them either . I can't say I totally understand how you feel, because I haven't been put in this situation, but I know how I would feel if I were.

Stay strong in your decision not to help, you don't owe him anything

Keep us posted on how things go and take care of yourself.

 

[Feralpeg]

Thanks for the hugs. The thing is, I try not to let my guilt be a gauge of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm the original queen of guilt. I feel guilty when I see a homeless person.

I know this is going to sound awful, but I just don't know if I want a better, or any, relationship with my uncle. I feel as if that ship has sailed a long, long time ago, but my mother has never really accepted it and has tried to force this relationship for a long time because her brother is her priority, and she feels that he should be our (my sister and me) priority too.

I talked to my sister about all this last night, and she started her "but I work" thing (saying, "I work," as if it absolves her of everything, if that makes sense), so I basically stood up for myself (without being defensive) and told her that working is her choice, as staying home and earning my degree is mine, and how would she feel if the situation were reversed. I think she finally understood where I was coming from! So, we're going to work together to try to come up with acceptable solutions. I told her that I can't fight this alone and we need to present a united front, and she's with me on it. I can't tell you what a relief it is, because it was usually just MY problem.

I'm going to help to the best of my ability, but that doesn't include being my uncle's emotional support.

Only you know what is in your heart. It is not for me or anyone else to judge and I hope you didn't think that was what I was doing. If you feel you can't have a relationship with you uncle, then you need to do what is right for you.

I have an uncle I cannot be around. There were some things that happened between us that I cannot post on a public message board. No one in the family has ever been willing to acknowledge or understand what happened so I don't push it. I just avoid. I understand what a difficult position you are in.

I wish the best for you and your family.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I'm glad you have come up with a plan! Hopefully you can all figure out some way to make your mom happy without anybody being saddled with an unfair share of the burden.

To answer your question from before, no, my mom hasn't moved on. She is completely inert. She was so used to being told what to do and when & how to do it that after he left she couldn't make any sort of decisions for herself. And when I would make suggestions she would ignore me or do the opposite in some bizarre show of defiance. It has been about 2 years now and she has run out of money so she is moving in with her sister. She SAYS she has been looking for a job, but in reality she has been sitting in her apartment waiting for someone to knock on her door and hand her a job on a silver platter with an enormous salary and no responsibilities. (She has always been a SAHM - she has no job experience and only a GED for education.) You can see how she would prefer to stand by and wring her hands about my father, because she has some very real problems she needs to address in her own life. This allows her to put them off. She could probably handle his estate far more competently than my sister, because my sister doesn't have any common sense to begin with and all of the applications for Medicaid and SSDI and whatever have just frozen my sister in her tracks. My father didn't bother to leave any clear instructions and now he is completely incapacitated and nobody knows where to begin. HOWEVER, this is not my drama!

Sorry to hijack your thread!