B-day party in a hotel for 13 /14 yr olds?!?

[FINFAN]

Not sure how to handle this one...DD good friend is having her 14th Bday at a hotel overnight! The mom is booking 2 suites for 12 girls. I am not comfortable AT ALL with this plan. I guess swimming is the main thing...but you know that sneaking out will be a main objective, and certain boys already know about it. I only know about half f the girls going, and DD pretty much thinks the others are going to get wild. She wants to go of course, but knows how difficult it can be when others"take over" and don't exactly make the same choices she would. I offered to let her stay 'till midnight, swim, movie etc., but at least I'd know she was safe at home thru the night. DD said that will be more embarrassing than not going at all, but agrees that it will be hard staying in the room if others sneak out because she said they will probably prop the door open (mom figures she'll take the keys at bedtime) and she is worroed about being in the room unlocked as she is a heavy sleeper and won't hear them sneeking...see, she's stressing too...what is this mom thinking for a group that young? Or if she doesn't want that many in the house, have the swimming, and send the kids home at night and then enjoy the room to themselves. So how many of you have allowed your kids to do this or hosted a party yourselves like this?
I just see red flags all over the place...I mean kids are gettiing taken and approached every day and anyone can just walk into these hotels main door, get on the elevator and there these girls will probably be....goofing off, running the halls,to the vending machines...HELP!

Pam

 

[mommytotwo]

I can also see the red flags. I'm sure your daughter would want to go to this party cause it sounds fun, but since she is also stressing out and will feel pressured into doing things that she would not want to do, she should just stay at home. I would agree also that it would be embarrassing having to leave the party at a certain time and have your mother pick you up if I was that age. Good luck with the outcome.

 

[GEM]

The mom is going to be there, right? If so, I don't see a problem with it. We did this exact thing for several of my birthday parties when I was 12 or so. It was great. We stayed at a neat hotel with a cool pool and mini golf course, etc. Everybody loved it. My 13th was the very best. My mom and dad rented a suite at the Embassy Suites and took me and my four best friends for the weekend. We had a blast swimming, watching movies, eating pizza, etc. They did it several times for my sister's birthdays, too. Nobody ever got wild or sneaked out or did anything at all. It was a great way to have a slumber party - for us and for my parents. I teach kids that age and several of them have done the same thing. Doesn't sound odd, unusual, or dangerous at all to me. Sounds like fun for everybody!

 

[hockeymom7691]

If I had a daughter I would be a bit concerned. I remember my 13th birthday party. We camped all summer at my Aunt & Uncle's campground. The bunch of us had a sleepover at my trailer. Of course we snuck out and were "searching" for the boys in the middle of the night. Nothing bad, just got caught and sent back to our camper. Of course that is a bit different than a hotel and was many many years ago!

I am working on my son's 13th birthday party which is in July. I am thinking about having him invite 5 or 6 kids (boys only) to do "lazer tag" and then getting a hotel room for them to have pizza and swim afterwards.

It seems so much easier with boys, especially when he's more interested in hockey than girls!

 

[Planogirl]

Will there be other adults there besides the Mom? Could you go along as a chaperone? I guess that would be embarassing for your daughter too though. I think that I would investigate and make my decision based on how many chaperones will be there. Good luck.

 

[FINFAN]

I asked the Bday mom if she would like me to help, as 12 can be a handful...but she said she has it under control, and as of now a friend may be hanging out with her earlier for the swimming, but not to sleep over, and here's a comforting thought...she said if her DH decides to come with their younger DD, then the 3 of them will get a seperate room..... uummm, o.k., then who is in the ther 2 suites keeping an eye on 12 girls? I remember being at a hotel one time where the pool door did not lock and kids went swimming overnight...parents were argueing in the a.m. about lack of hotel security...I think they had that a little backwards anyway...this is not going to be easy, as the girls are very good friends.

 

[jsmith]

I think your expecting trouble where none may happen. We have done this for our sons-works out great-get two adjoining suites and then the kids can swim watch videos, chat hang out play video games . This was 15 year old boys and there was no door proping or sneaking around-lots of them had GF and some did not but they treated it as a night with the guys. It did not hurt that we staid in one of the rooms in the suite but there was no stupid stuff, they really enjoyed it and it did not cost anymore than anyother birthday party Ive hosted.

 

[disykat]

Two adjoining suites full of 13 and 14 year old girls with the "chaperones" in a seperate non-adjoining room? No way!

I'm really impressed with your daughter. That she is able to talk over her worries and tell you about the plans being made to sneak out say a lot about your parenting! I think you can feel confident in whatever decision you make. It sounds like she's a gem.

 

[jfulcer]

I think at some point you are going to have to trust your daughter to make those right decisions by herself. Letting her go gives her independence, shows you trust her, and lets her make those right decisions.

Not letting her go is going to show her you aren't trusting her and letting her be the responsible teen that you are painting her as.

For all you know, the other girls may just be talking all bravado. Who knows - maybe her 'No' may be the deciding factor for the rest of the girls to not sneak out.

And of course, if she does sneak out, she'll learn what it feels like to be grounded 'until she's 21'.

 

[disykat]

Originally posted by jfulcer
I think at some point you are going to have to trust your daughter to make those right decisions by herself.

I understand the theory behind this - but IMHO, some point doesn't need to come at 13! I think sometimes kids want mom to step in and be the bad guy. It helps them save face, but rescues them from uncomfortable situations.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it boils down to whether or not you trust this mom to keep things under control. I know that I would keep a very close eye on them (I would not be sleeping at all and checking on them constantly) and most mothers I know would do the same thing. Have you asked her what she means when she says 'she has it under control'?

Seems that your DD has a good head on her shoulders, I would let her go if I knew the parents involved were responsible people.

If they are good friends, you should know that about them already.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter has been to a "hotel" party. However that # of girls was less then 12. That seems high for 2 rooms.

Does your dd want to go? If so I would make a phone call to the host mom and have a chat about your concerns. Decide from there.

 

[FINFAN]

Thanks for the helpful input everyone. I do know the mom, but we are not close friends even tho the girls are. As a matter of fact I felt she took offense that I was inquiring as much as I did so far about the plans. Yes, I agree my DD has a good head on her shoulders, however she is only human and at 13 it is still too young to place in a situation that allows circumstances to occur that may be out of her control. The fact that she specifically knew about the possibility of doors being propped open shows the girls are making their plans already. DD said she would try to go to sleep, but is worried if the door is propped and someone entered the room while she is sleeping. I couldn't be in one room and keep an eye on 12 girls in 2 other rooms, nor would I care to have that responsibility. As I said, even if the girls were just roaming about, it the other elements that worry me. I don't allow her to be at the mall w/out a parent there, to me a hotel is the same risk.
jfulcer, I am not worried about DD sneaking out...I am worried about her safety. She has already shown me that she is responsible by discussing this with me. I find it very mature for her to take the time to see the possible bad side to something she wants to attend so badly, and to stop and think before jumping in. Yes, her picture does paint nicely, doesn't it? I am blessed.

Pam

 

[Mishetta]

Okay, I have boys, but I do remember being a YOUNG GIRL. Even tho I had a good head on my shoulders, when I was with my friends (& lots of friends at that), I would do STUPID things only because I got caught up in the fun. When everyone wanted to do something that I knew was wrong, I did it anyway because I wanted to fit in. It was no fun being the only one who "didn't want" to because I knew it was wrong.

Personally, if it were my daughter.....either I wouldn't let her go, OR I would have my daughter say she could only stay till a certain time (midnight would be fine for me) because we had to get up early the next morning for whatever lame reason (plan something!) 13 y/o girls are far different than 13 y/o boys. I would trust my son over a daughter at that age. (Just by my actions when I was a kid.)

Also, if I were that mother, I would get adjoining rooms & I would have the middle door propped open! That's insane, not to mention, what a liability to be responsible for that many girls to leave them basically unattended! It's a crazy world out there today, not like when I was a kid growing up! Heck, young girls are being kidnapped from their own bedrooms today! Let alone feeling safe leaving your child in a hotel room with the door propped open during the night! OMG! I'd be

 

[msdznyduck]

We did this last year for DD's 13th. We had 5 girls plus DD. DH and I stayed in an adjoining room with the door closed, but not locked. They were told at the beginning of the sleepover that they were not to be in the halls, and we were right next door if they needed anything. They swam until about 10 or so, and then did nails, hair, ate tons of junk food, and watched movies that DD picked out. With 2 double beds, 2 of them slept on the floor......but they really didn't sleep more than an hour or two.(neither did we.) I think that 6 girls in a room was maxed out, but the rooms were pretty big. They all had a great time, and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again. The key is letting them know that we expected them to be "grown up" about it, and no haunting the halls of the hotel. There wasn't a bar or dance club attached to this hotel, which was a major consideration for us, since that would be a major temptation. I was very proud of all of them that they behaved themselves.
Elaine

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I did a party like this for my 13 year old daughter. there were 7 girls, ages 13/14, and my younger daughter, age 11. my two sisters and I chaperoned. no one snuck out because we took the keys and propped a chair in front of the door. also, the adults slept "with one eye open". no problems. great party. can't wait to do it again with my younger daughter.

 

[Mimi Q]

We have rented a cabin for my DD's 12th birthday. She is having 12 friends spend the night, and we just can't accomodate that many at our house. My DH and I are taking them skating then back to the cabin. Their bedrooms are upstairs, so I don't think they could sneak out past us as our bedroom is on the main level. After reading this thread, I have something to worry about though. I think if you are concerned for your daughter's safety it would be best if she didn't attend the party.

 

[rascalmom]

I did this for my daughter when she was 12. My DH, younger dd & I stayed in the adjoining suite. They swam, had pizza & cake, got in their PJ's & watched movies while giving each other pedicures. This was a few years ago, so I don't remember how many we had, but it was fewer than 12. These were good girls who knew me well & knew I knew all their parents.

I had no problems at all with anyone trying to sneak out or do anything inappropriate. Of course, I had been most of these girls Brownie and GS leader all through elementary school. They knew not to mess with Momma Ryan's rules. We all had fun.

I did choose a hotel far enough from the area of town where we live that there wouldn't be any uninvited guests dropping by, no restaurant or bar attached. I made sure there were plenty of sodas and treats in the room, so there was no need to adventure down to the vending machines.

All that said, these girls were on the "innocent" side of 12 and they do change a lot between then and 13/14. I would still do it for my 16 year old, because of the group of friends she would invite. Maybe with a lot more caution (an extra chaperone) for my younger one who has friends who are more in the "risk taker" category - still good kids, but they would tend to test the boundaries more.

Would I let my daughters go? Yes, if I knew the parents and kids & was confident they were in a safe situation. Just like there can be an "appearance" of safety, there can be an "appearance" of danger. While there is a risk that these girls might try to sneak down the hall, if they are like most young teens they will usually try to do it in a group, not alone. The trip to the vending area probably isn't really that dangerous - and they'll probably be to loud & giggly to actually get away with much more. You have to evaluate the situation by the type of other kids who will be there, the trust you have in the host family and the physical set-up and location of the hotel.