Autistic DS8 NOT invited to friends party--Crawling in a hole...

[tweedlemom]

No flames please. Think I'll just crawl in a hole and sit there for awhile. My PDD-NOS DS8 son's "best' typical friend's birthday is tomorrow. Just found out that he is having a skating party tonight, as his father Facebooked pics from the party. My son wasn't invited. I had no idea he was having a party. My son invited the friend to his own birthday party this Sunday, and the friend is coming. One step forward, two steps back. My son thinks this kid is his best friend,obviously that isn't the case. We're good friends with the family. Ugh. I understand that my son's views of things are skewed. I don't know how many kids could have been invited, the parameters of the party package, etc. Just venting. Frustrating, to think he's making progress socially, then to feel like he's not. Anyone else been in this situation? There's nothing I can/would say to anyone. It's the friends choice who he wants to invite. Just sad for my son. I'm not telling him, but if he finds out, I'm sure he'll be heartbroken.

 

[Kat77]

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. I just want to remind you that sometimes it hurts us mommies much more than it does our kiddos. I have to drag my guy to parties. He dislikes them.

 

[tweedlemom]

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. I just want to remind you that sometimes it hurts us mommies much more than it does our kiddos. I have to drag my guy to parties. He dislikes them.

Thanks. Your sig cheered me up a little--thanks!

 

[emh1129]

I'd be a little heartbroken/upset about it, too, especially if you're good friends with the family. My son is the same age and also on the spectrum, so I can really relate.
I'd probably give myself a few minutes to be upset and then probably try to let it go & move on, try to focus on other social activities.. although it really IS too bad for the other boy & guests.. that party would have been a LOT more fun with your little guy there!

 

[Kat77]

I'd be a little heartbroken/upset about it, too, especially if you're good friends with the family. My son is the same age and also on the spectrum, so I can really relate.
I'd probably give myself a few minutes to be upset and then probably try to let it go & move on, try to focus on other social activities.. although it really IS too bad for the other boy & guests.. that party would have been a LOT more fun with your little guy there!

That's right! Their loss is your gain, crawl out of that hole and gets yourself some hugs, girl!

 

[tweedlemom]

I'm not going to wallow in it forever. Nothing some ice cream won't fix.
Just took me by surprise. He's a great boy. You're right--their loss. Thanks for cheering me up--Disfriends are the best!

 

[C&G'sMama]

I'm with KAT77, sometimes I do think it bothers us more than DS. When he started kindergarten, we "snuck" over to the school and was watching him play on the playground that first day. He was all by himself. He wasn't playing with the other children. I felt sad until DP pointed out he was smiling. He was having a blast.

DS doesn't have any BFFs. He has children of our friends that he plays with. He has never been invited to a Bday party except for those 2 friends and they are both girls some day they may no longer invite boys to their parties.
One year we took him to WDW on his Birthday because we didn't know who do invite. Last year we invited about 5 other families to a baseball game and celebrated his birthday. He was happy.

Happy BDay to your son and hope he has a good time on Sunday

 

[tweedlemom]

Thanks all. I will focus my attention on having healthy, happy children. We are so blessed in many ways, that sometimes I forget about the autism because it's just our way of life. I'm letting DS8 and DS7 have a "brothers" sleepover downstairs all by themselves. They're so excited. Counting my blessings. Thanks for the reality check.

 

[bookwormde]

Since many of our kids have never had a real best friend they do not have a point of reference so, spend your energy on making sure his school is provideding a comprehensive social skills curriculum for him and that frendship skills are top on the list since a "real" best friend is on of the greatest blessing for our kids.

Bookwormde

 

[carrie6466]

I had the exact opposite problem. My dd 7 (pdd-nos/adhs), had a birthday party in June. She is in an inclusion class. We invited 6 'friends' from school, including her 'best friend'. No one even responded to the invitations, although one girl did show up (not the best friend). All of the kids she invited are 'general ed' kids, as she is the only girl in the class with an IEP.

She had a good time anyway, we did have her cousins and some friends from her previous kindergarten (self-contained sp ed)class there.

Fast forward to this year. School starts and she tells me that even though they are in different classes she still meets her "best friend" every day at recess. I just bit my tongue. I agree with the fact that we care more about it than they do

 

[carrollchristoph]

That stinks! Hang in there!

 

[NotUrsula]

IME, most Aspies define a "best friend" as an acquaintance that they like more than anyone else that they know, or a person that they spend more time with than anyone else -- they don't often define the "best" part as "someone I can really trust more than anyone else." To them, "best" usually just means that they there is some quality that makes that person more "there" than most other people are, so they get the spot at the top of the Aspie's "friend" hierarchy.

DS13 is quite high-functioning. He's completely mainstreamed in school and does OK (not honor roll good, but he's not failing). If you ask him he will tell you that he has plenty of friends, and if he is at school he does talk to people all the time on a superficial level. None of those kids would ever spend any time with him or interact with him outside of school time, but to him that is not a problem, because he has decided that school friends are just that, and can only be interacted with at school. He compartmentalizes his life and is really fine with that.

I look at what he doesn't have and I think that I need to do something to correct the situation, but he's nearly grown, and he's happy; I've come to the conclusion that it's better for him if I stay out of it.

 

[robin09]

I've stayed away from the Disboards, but do check in because of lack of money!, That and the fact that for some reason I keep getting signed out, and by the time I sign back in I forget what I want to write.

These posts do me in.... I feel so sad as you all can imagine. DD12 (I can't believe she's 12) has aspergers, ocd, sensory problems... and a whole list of alphabet soup.

I can count on one hand the amount of times Jenna has been invited to a party, let alone how many kids actually come to hers (maybe 2).

On the other hand, for some reason, she thinks she has tons of friends, and it doesn't bother her... me it kills!

Hang in there, I think the world needs alot more of these kids, they are super special and super caring!

 

[Earstou]

After 1st grade, ds wasn't invited to any party until last year as a teenager.

There was a neighbor boy he played with all the time (labeled his best friend), but he was never invited to his parties, even though we invited him when ds had parties.
For me, the roughest part was that this kid would talk to my ds about his parties before and after the events, knowing that ds wasn't invited.
But ds never seemed to care, so I finally decided that if ds didn't care, why should I! He's happy, and that's the most important thing.

Ds has friends he goes out with occasionally on the weekends now that he has a car, but he always has to do the plannning and inviting. No one ever invites him to go to a movie, but they often will go with him if he asks them .
Once again, it doesn't matter to him, he doesn't mind sitting at home by himself while his friends are out having fun.

 

[Brightsy]

Back in April I went to my DSs 2nd grade class to talk about ASD. I let the kids ask all the questions they wanted to about my DS. They had tons of questions, from "what is his favorite color?" all the way to "What does he like to do on play dates." I told them that my DS has never really had a play date. At first it was because we just really couldn't take him to other peoples houses (he used to get very destructive in strange places) or let them come to our place (he'd get upset w/ people in his territory.) As he got older no one ever invited him, is all, I said. His class mates seemed sad about that. But, he still hasn't been invited over!

 

[Kat77]

If anyone is ever heads my way (Dallas metro area) your kiddos are invited to to my house for playdates ladies!

 

[Schmeck]

I know it might not help you feel better, but kids on the spectrum aren't the only ones excluded from social events - we've had that same experience, and my daughter would be labeled 'neurotypical'. It happened at school, and at dance class. Once she was the only one in dance class not invited to a girl's party, but she was able to get over it thanks to some sweet words from an older girl. Something about dressing up as ninjas and crashing the party together?

Then it was my daughter's turn - she invited everyone but that one girl (who had been a level up in class) to a skating party and all the girls showed up (including the older ninja friend) and had a blast. But she felt sad about the girl she left out, and made an effort to be friendly.

Now they are friends, having grown up quite a bit over the years. Both are wonderful young ladies!

 

[NortheastDisneyMom]

It's hard, hang in there

My son never gets invited to parties and he is 11. It makes me sad, but fortunately he is pretty oblivious to it. The odd thing is, when we have parties for him, 15 kids come. Maybe the parents make them, I dunno! For a while I just thought kids didn't have parties around here, but found out sadly they do...he just was never invited.

 

[Susan C]

I am a middle school teacher, who works with 12 wonderful boys with ASD. My middle school opened an inclusive program 5 years ago, for this high functioning group. What I love about it is the support and friendship they offer each other. Finally, my guys have their own gang. Everyone needs a sense of belonging!

 

[carrie6466]

It's hard, hang in there

My son never gets invited to parties and he is 11. It makes me sad, but fortunately he is pretty oblivious to it. The odd thing is, when we have parties for him, 15 kids come. Maybe the parents make them, I dunno! For a while I just thought kids didn't have parties around here, but found out sadly they do...he just was never invited.

That was what I found last year. DD was invited to one party of a kid from school. While we were there, I heard all the parents talking about all the other parties they had been to. I just assumed that there weren't as many parties as the kids were getting a little older. Our school (thankfully) has a policy that no invites can be given at school, even if everyone is invited. Everything has to be mailed out.