Are guests paying money to attend family functions such as weddings and memorial services and funerals now?

[DodgerGirl]

My mom was telling me that now if you are planning to have guests attend a memorial service funeral or wedding the invited guests have to pay money to attend the wedding funeral or memorial service and i'm wondering if this is a new form of manners for guests? Because as far as I can remember if guests wanted to attend a wedding the guests needed to bring the wedding invitation if they were attending. But memorial services and funerals were always free for anyone and I never noticed that people now have to pay to attend weddings and memorial services and funerals. But what about baby showers and children's birthday parties? Is this a new way for people to attend family functions now?

 

[spartans]

Nah I don’t think it’s become “normal” tbh — weddings maybe sometimes if it’s a big weekend away, but funerals and memorials are generally still just come-as-you-are events. Best thing is just ask the host quietly if you’re unsure.

 

[Nayan]

Your mom, as usual, is wrong. If you're invited to a wedding/baby shower/birthday party you bring a gift. If someone is charging for a memorial service/funeral, that's a money-grab and I'd tell them to get bent.

 

[lanejudy]

Sorry, but I think you must have misunderstood what your mom meant. I've never heard of an admission fee for such an event. I suppose maybe the "gift" at a wedding could be thought of as needing to pay to attend. However, if one is traveling to attend an event the cost of travel typically falls to the guest.

 

[Allison]

Your mom is wrong.

 

[focusondisney]

Funeral homes in my area do provide donation envelopes at viewings & services in their facilities. These are available to anyone. They are used to make charitable donations in the deceased’s memory, as an offering to some churches that have memorial prayer services, or even as a donation to the family to be used as they see fit. It is not a fee to attend & is entirely optional.

I agree you misunderstood what your mother was saying. Was she venting about costs of things? Maybe making a sarcastic comment like…next they’ll be charging to attend funerals?

 

[BrianL]

I could see some bridezilla maybe making some kind of mandatory "donation" for guests or something, but I don't think that's the norm. It would be one of those things people would shame her for online.

Now, a funeral? I've never heard of such a thing and I would really hope nobody would be that tacky. Then again, the world in which we live....

 

[KPeterso]

No - it is definitely not anything I have experienced! Your mom and you definitely did not hear or understand correctly.

I will say I recently went to a Celebration of Life for a friend and they did have a chance to donate towards the cost of event (rented a hall and paid for catering for 100+ people) as the person had passed after a long cancer battle and money was tight to get everything she wanted. But it was completely voluntary if one wanted to give towards it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I was invited to a 30th birthday a fews years back which seemed completely normal until, at the end, the couple started walking around asking for either $30 or $50 of each guest to cover costs - oh and birthday gifts were expected and accepted. In the end the birthday party was handled like a college keg party The oddest part is this couple was very well off so it was a money grab.

Other than this bizarre event, such things are more of a regional social contract sort of thing when attending an event at a venue. This tends to depend on where this is located and the cost of the event. Up in the NYC area where events are VERY pricey cash is usually expected. By this I mean guests should understand there is a large outlay for the event so, as a result, it is customary to "gift" cash to cover your plate at the event. So you guesstimate the cost, when at a $100 a person wedding my family would $100 in the envelope per person and gift it to the couple. Same goes for things like a Baby Shower or Bridal Shower, anything formal at a venue. If a guest can't afford it they generally stay home. There are often etiquette exceptions for very close elderly family members like grandparents who are already making a big cash outlay for a new outfit and all. Noone talks about this, it is just the way things are done.

The part with funerals could possibly be where the family of the person who died requests a donation to a charity of their choice instead of flowers. I have also seen where sometimes there is a request to help with medical expenses, funeral costs or to help pay for their kids into a college fund type thing. I suppose, if there is a diner after services or if there is a celebration of life type dinner at a restaurant the same sort of expectation to cover your plate might apply.

All of this depends on where you live. I was at a wedding in California where people wore short sets and flip-flops while dragging gifts like ironing boards to the picnic meal of ramen salad. It was a lot of fun but not something I expected or had ever seen before so the whole thing is about social norms of wherever you are.

Different strokes for different folks, as they say

 

[Magical2017]

Yuck. I'd pass.

 

[tvguy]

Never heard of this until today. Never experienced it. Although I can see the temptation to do so for a wedding. I know our obligations as parents of the Groom (flowers, etc) added up to over $10,000, and I KNOW the Brides parents paid a staggering amount for their obligations. Mind blowing compared to the $3,000 my wife and I spent on our wedding, in TOTAL in 1982.

 

[barkley]

I could see some bridezilla maybe making some kind of mandatory "donation" for guests or something, but I don't think that's the norm. It would be one of those things people would shame her for online.

there's a good amount of shaming on it in the number of reddit threads about them (never the bride writing to ask if they were in the wrong but rather a guest who passed on attending).

never seen anything like this for a funeral but have for retirement and anniversary parties and in those cases it was disclosed up front in the invite.

 

[tazdev3225]

My dad passed away a month ago and we did ask for donations instead of flowers in his obituary, but I have seen that quite often. For his funeral we held the luncheon in the church hall and people volunteered to help with the food but my mom, brothers and I paid for most everything what was donated was offered and not expected. I would never expect to be asked to pay for my attendance at a wedding or funeral and I don't go to funeral luncheons unless it is family or a very close friend.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My dad passed away a month ago and we did ask for donations instead of flowers in his obituary, but I have seen that quite often. For his funeral we held the luncheon in the church hall and people volunteered to help with the food but my mom, brothers and I paid for most everything what was donated was offered and not expected. I would never expect to be asked to pay for my attendance at a wedding or funeral and I don't go to funeral luncheons unless it is family or a very close friend.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was looking to prepay and am floored at how expensive things are now.

 

[Rogue1677x]

My dad passed away a month ago and we did ask for donations instead of flowers in his obituary, but I have seen that quite often. For his funeral we held the luncheon in the church hall and people volunteered to help with the food but my mom, brothers and I paid for most everything what was donated was offered and not expected. I would never expect to be asked to pay for my attendance at a wedding or funeral and I don't go to funeral luncheons unless it is family or a very close friend.

I'm sorry for your loss.

For my father's funeral, it was pretty much people could donate to a charity for brain injuries in lieu of flowers, but I think most people realize neither is a requirement to pay respects.

The reception after was paid for by my stepmother and as she put it, she was sending him out in style, including an open bar. Thankfully people didn't abuse that feature and drive up a huge bill.

 

[tazdev3225]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was looking to prepay and am floored at how expensive things are now.

Thank you.

I was with my mom at the funeral home and when they told me how much it was just to open a grave at the cemetary where my in-laws are buried, the extra 2 plots are for my husband and me, I told my husband we are getting cremated and buried with my parents.

I'm sorry for your loss.

For my father's funeral, it was pretty much people could donate to a charity for brain injuries in lieu of flowers, but I think most people realize neither is a requirement to pay respects.

The reception after was paid for by my stepmother and as she put it, she was sending him out in style, including an open bar. Thankfully people didn't abuse that feature and drive up a huge bill.

Thank you.

 

[sam_gordon]

People will pay for gas, possibly hotels, and possibly food (while travelling to/from the venue). Some even pay for flights and rental cars. So yes, "People pay money to attend family functions."

As far as paying the hosts IN ORDER TO ATTEND (as in "no money, no entry allowed"), possibly in EXTREMELY rare circumstances.

I've heard of the "cover your plate" in the NE, but, at least as I understand it, the thought is to give a gift to the host that is approximately equal to the cost of your meal. While the gift can be in cash, I don't think it has to be.

 

[tvguy]

I was with my mom at the funeral home and when they told me how much it was just to open a grave at the cemetary where my in-laws are buried, the extra 2 plots are for my husband and me, I told my husband we are getting cremated and buried with my parents.

How much did they charge if I may ask? Opening the grave when my mom passed only cost $100. Shared grave with my father. Now, the cost of transportation, that shocked me. But it was 110 miles from the funeral home. If my mom had been alive I suspect she would have told me to put her casket in the back of my truck and drive her there myself, instead of paying $750. And I DO know people who have transported a casket on their own. Cremains, I can see, but I did not realize you could legally move a casket yourself.

 

[tazdev3225]

How much did they charge if I may ask? Opening the grave when my mom passed only cost $100. Shared grave with my father. Now, the cost of transportation, that shocked me. But it was 110 miles from the funeral home. If my mom had been alive I suspect she would have told me to put her casket in the back of my truck and drive her there myself, instead of paying $750. And I DO know people who have transported a casket on their own. Cremains, I can see, but I did not realize you could legally move a casket yourself.

The quote for 2 different cemeteries was over $4500 just to open the grave. For cremains it was about $3000 and that is at today's prices. I was shocked by the cost. Dad won't be buried until my mom passes and they will go in one urn together. They bought a plot at our church cemetery and the cost will only be a couple of hundred dollars if that. Helped me decide what I want when I die eventually. I am going to preplan the funeral in a year or so to save that headache from my kids.

 

[tvguy]

The quote for 2 different cemeteries was over $4500 just to open the grave. For cremains it was about $3000 and that is at today's prices. I was shocked by the cost. Dad won't be buried until my mom passes and they will go in one urn together. They bought a plot at our church cemetery and the cost will only be a couple of hundred dollars if that. Helped me decide what I want when I die eventually. I am going to preplan the funeral in a year or so to save that headache from my kids.

I just checked the cemetery my wife and I will be interred at and their fee schedule says the fee for opening and closing a grave is $1,400. It does not specify if this is for cremains or a casket.
One word of caution on prepaying expenses. Make sure what preplan you buy guarantees that the services can actually be provided for that price. We ran into that with my wife's Grandparents. The plan that was purchased for them did not have that guarantee, and the services for just her Grandfather exhausted what was allowed. We had to buy a new plan WITH a guarantee for her Grandmother.