Appropriate "Punishment"? **HAPPY UPDATE IN POST 37**

[poohandwendy]

PAW,
I would "yank" the homecoming if it wouldn't "punish" the guy. He's rented the tux, bought the corsage, made the dinner arrangements, etc. I just can't do that to him.

Actually, that is the only thing I would allow, for that reason only. The rest... the nails, IMing, football games...they would go until she was meeting the minimum requirements.

 

[Laurajean1014]

Your original punishment is appropriate.

In high school, teachers do not "coddle" (My DS9.5's teacher calls it that) students. They do not go over the reading, they move on to the next topic. It is the childs responsibility to read and comprehend the homework assignments. So, your daughter's response to the teacher ranting about something else, well, that's high school.

My friend told me that by the 6th grade, if a student does not have good study habits, then they will not be able to follow high school. Your daughter has good study habits, but may need to prioritize it with the other stuff she has going on.

I have read your other posts related to your children, and you are doing a great job. Stick to your guns and she will apply herself.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your punishment is fine. Actually, it's not as much a punishment as teaching her how to manage her time so that her schoolwork gets done properly, she learns something and is able to pass the test. Obviously, her extracurricular activities are interfering with that, so the extras go.

 

[WDWNewbie]

Was the 'punishment' given after a warning?

If I'm understanding the situation correctly, your dd needs to improve a couple of marks--but is doing well in other subjects.

If it was me--rather than saying at the last minute she can't go to the game--I would tell her that she needs to show me a weekly written plan on how she is going to manage her time so she can commit enough time to her studies to improve her marks. I would also brainstorm with her on ideas on how to cover the material (ie call a kid who got an 'A' and pick their brain on how they studied) and ask if she wanted any help in creating this detailed plan/schedule.

Then I would tell her that if she stuck to the plan, she wouldn't lose any privileges, but if she didn't-- THEN she would have social-time (like football games, IM taken away).

This allows her to help create the plan, but she is well-warned of the consquences if she doesn't stick to it.

Personally, I just don't like to see things 'sprung' on kids before they have a chance to prove they can do what they need to do...... JMHO

 

[Beauty]

I think your punishment is appropriate as well. I also have a 14 year old son who ALSO had a History Teacher who would go off talking about other things. J.C. always did horribly on his tests so I got the book myself and took each chapter and made notes myself. I then made tests from the notes and gave him the notes to study.

Guess what, he brought the D up to an A and was thrilled because he was making better grades than anyone else.

Yes it was alot of work on my part but I loved History so it wasn't that bad. I think when I would just give him the whole book and say STUDY THE CHAPTER it would freak him out, but when I actually made questions and notes for him from the chapter it didn't scare him as badly.

This year (8th grade) he has committed himself to be a leader in the school and to make Beta Club (hes already on Student Council) so hes been studying so much harder and I'm proud of him.

Good Luck!

 

[Christine]

I think your punishment is appropriate as well. I also have a 14 year old son who ALSO had a History Teacher who would go off talking about other things. J.C. always did horribly on his tests so I got the book myself and took each chapter and made notes myself. I then made tests from the notes and gave him the notes to study.

Guess what, he brought the D up to an A and was thrilled because he was making better grades than anyone else.

Yes it was alot of work on my part but I loved History so it wasn't that bad. I think when I would just give him the whole book and say STUDY THE CHAPTER it would freak him out, but when I actually made questions and notes for him from the chapter it didn't scare him as badly.

This year (8th grade) he has committed himself to be a leader in the school and to make Beta Club (hes already on Student Council) so hes been studying so much harder and I'm proud of him.

Good Luck!

Yep, I will probably have to do this. I just got the "computerized" update from her history teacher. The class average is 79%. Her personal student average is 70%, so they aren't "all" failing.


To WDWNewbie--I didn't really spring the punishment on her. The game is tonight and I told her on Wednesday evening that she wasn't going. I also told her at the beginning of the year that I expected her to do her best--that she would be given a lot of leeway for socializing UNLESS I saw things start to slip. The first 2-3 weeks she did quite well but I noticed in this past week some things started to slide. We've been through this last year a little bit and, in hindsight, I waited to long to "crack down" and then it took a whole quarter to pull the grades up. This time I want to try jumping on it fast.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think I would approach this a little different.....

I would let her go to the football game. They are only usually once a week right? Probably on a Friday or Saturday. Realistically, would she be studying then anyway? To me, that is just such a huge part of the high school experience, and she is only a kid once. Even the best of students need a break from studying once in awhile.

I would cut out the IM'ing/computer instead. That is an everynight activity that probably occurs during her prime studying times. I just never got the whole IM'ing thing anyway. This is probably interfering with her studying more so than the football games.

I agree with puffkin. I don't think she'll be studying tonight anyway.

I think taking away the IMing & using that time for studying (somewhere she can be seen) may have a better effect.

JMO!

 

[darrose]

If school hasnt been in session long have you thought about letting her drop down to regular History class? Sounds like she has a lot on her plate and maybe an A in regular history versus a C or B in advanced will help her to stay in this school.

 

[swilphil]

I think it's a good idea to take the IM'ing away. More importantly, talk to the teacher and her guidance counselor about how to improve this grade. It sounds like the teacher may not be much help, but do try to work within his system. Definitely have her go in for the after-school tutoring that the school offers. That would at least show him that she's serious. It's also possible that if the 40 was only on a quiz, it might not carry as much weight as some of the other scores. You might ask the guidance counselor if it is possible for her to switch to another history teacher or even out of Advanced History to regular history. I doubt it right now, but maybe she could at semester.

 

[Christine]

If school hasnt been in session long have you thought about letting her drop down to regular History class? Sounds like she has a lot on her plate and maybe an A in regular history versus a C or B in advanced will help her to stay in this school.

I can't. This is a requirement of her fine arts program. All her humanities courses must be "advanced." If she drops out of that, then she drops out of the fine arts program and gets kicked out of this school.

 

[Christine]

Oh goodness, it just gets worse.

I just happened to be checking my work voice-mails this morning (I left work early yesterday). At 3:00 p.m., her biology teacher called me to "discuss your daughter's grades" and her concerns. Of course, I won't be able to talk with her until Monday now. I ended up going back on line and it appears that my DD has now gotten a score of 51 on her quiz for "The Scientific Method." Now, I have just promptly REAMED her for this. She has been learning the scientific method for YEARS at her other school. She got all As in Science through middle school. THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD DOES NOT CHANGE!!!!!! She had no reasoning for me.

I really just want to slap her. I'm am SOOOOO disappointed.

 

[poohandwendy]

Christine,

I am sorry she is dropping the ball in school. This is why I said to remove ALL social events.

I am going to tell you, from experience, you either make a big impact now with punishment, or you will be doing it later when she REALLY blows it. I think it is time for you to make a big impression, with a harsh punishment. I would literally remove all social stuff (Ims, football games, phone calls, ALL of it)....until she brings her grades up to a satisfactory level.

The fact that she is so social means that she WILL work hard to get that part of her life back, if she is REQUIRED to. It would not 'push her over the edge' to lose her social life for a while, it will show her that education comes first and is the bottom line. And that you are serious about it.

Good luck with it, it is NO FUN at all, raising teens.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Now, I'm just really worried about her failing this class. Guess I will be sending an e-mail to the teacher and possibly guidance to see what kind of assistance they can offer. She's pulling A's in 3 other classes, a B in one and a C in another. By now, she is truly failing history. Yesterday she had a 70% average (which is a D in our school system), but with the 40 she got, it is most surely and F now.

Then she tells me that she got two "zeros" in her drama class because she "forgot" her journal submissions at home.

Can I spank her now?

OUCH!

I need to go find those progress reports from my dd.....hmmmm...

 

[Christine]

Christine,

I am sorry she is dropping the ball in school. This is why I said to remove ALL social events.

I am going to tell you, from experience, you either make a big impact now with punishment, or you will be doing it later when she REALLY blows it. I think it is time for you to make a big impression, with a harsh punishment. I would literally remove all social stuff (Ims, football games, phone calls, ALL of it)....until she brings her grades up to a satisfactory level.

Done!! And I told her to REALLY enjoy herself at homecoming tonight because it will probably be awhile before she gets out again.

On the positive side--she spent 2 hours today working on her World History and Biology homework. She was "proud" of herself that her History homework was 2.5 pages long. Apparently, the teacher "likes" this and she knows it. I guess her previous homework didn't have as much content.

 

[poohandwendy]

Done!! And I told her to REALLY enjoy herself at homecoming tonight because it will probably be awhile before she gets out again.

LOL...poor girl! (wouldn't want to be her right now)

You know what though? Honestly, she will turn it around quickly and have learned a serious lesson about self discipline. It is so common for the hormones to kick in and school work to be last priority...the important thing is to nip it now, before it becomes a pattern. Ask any middle/high school teacher...they see it all of the time (especially between 7-9 grades)

She is obviously very bright or would not be in the school and classes she is in, so I have no doubt she can pull the reins in and not only get better grades, but really excel. AND have a great social life, too!

She just needs to learn how to balance her responsibilities with her social life before she gets into worse trouble. Both of my 2 older kids have been through this phase, and my 11 yo is sure to go through it too, eventually. I remember being just blown away when my eldest DD hid the fact that she was really doing poorly in a feww classes. It was sooooo out of character for her and I wasn't watching too closely because I never had to with her and she wasn't a baby anymore, so I guess I gave her enough rope to hang herself,LOL.

I think it is especially startling with the really smart kids because they plummet without warning (or obvious struggle). I think school work has always come so easy/natural to them that they think they can just pull it together last minute and noone will be the wiser. (this obviously is a recipe for disaster)


Good luck to you both, it's not easy being in either position, yours or hers. ()

 

[poohandwendy]

Oh, and as far as the 'spanking' idea...lol, let's not even open that can of worms...someone might take you seriously

 

[Christine]

Well, I wanted to report back on this since so many of you had helpful responses.

There has been 3 weeks of no IM'ing in my home and VERY little social interaction. I have let my DD go shopping with a friend for a homecoming dress and that's about it.

Things are going VERY well. Her "D" in Biology is now almost a "B". Her almost failing history grade is now up to a good, solid C. Everything is looking up.

On top of it all, she has become a much nicer person now that I have cut the IM'ing. It is really unbelievable. She is pleasant and sociable and not constantly looking at what is going on with the computer. I swear, the IM'ing is like an addiction for her and it's kind of scary. Since her progress is so good, I am going to relax my restrictions on outings but I'm thinking of keeping the IM restriction permanently as I think this was the main culprit. I may allow her to do two 15 minute IM sessions a night. It's also good because now she's actually "talking" to her friends versus words on a screen.

I also got an e-mail from her Biology teacher telling me what a turnaround she has seen (the teacher moved her away from a certain group and put her in the front of the class). She says that she's totally engaged in class, turning in great work, and helping other students who are struggling. Go figure.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know and also, punishment really works when they know you mean business!