Anyone here know about halfway houses for recovering addicts? (long)

[shelle94]

I was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He was addicted to alcohol, pot, and pills before I even met him. I had never been around an addict before and had no idea what I was in for. I broke up with him a month or two ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

He comes from an entire family of addicts. Most of them are into even harder drugs. His Mom takes a ton of prescription medication every day because of her "phobias" and also goes out to the bars almost every night. His uncle just landed himself in the ICU today from ODing on who knows what. His Dad used to beat the heck out of him when he was little whenever he was out of pot. His brother and two uncles are all in prison because of things they did while drugged up. It looks to me like he almost didn't even have a chance for a normal life coming from a family like this.

After I broke up with him he drank even more and took tons of his Mom's pills. She said she didn't know, but I don't believe her. Finally one day he broke down and said he needed help. He spent 28 days in a rehab facility. He has been through this before though. I went to see him twice and he seemed to be doing well. I am the only person that went to see him. That is the way it always has been. I am always the only person that supports him. His family does not see it that way. They think they have a perfectly normal family.

After rehab he went to a halfway house. This place is telling him he cannot have contact with me because I am his ex-girlfriend and will cause him to relapse. Do they realize I am the only sober person he knows and the only person that cares about him? They don't know anything about me. They just told him that he cannot visit his mom because she has alcohol and pot in the house. She denies it of course. She always does. The thing that bothers me is the counselors there kind of gang up on him. He said it is always 2 or 3 of them yelling at him about this stuff. I know they have good intentions, but I think they are going about it the wrong way. I don't like seeing him in a place like that. My mom said it is not my problem to deal with anymore, but I feel like I have to do something. Is treating him like this really going to help? Should I call other halfway houses to see if they are the same way? Should I just stay out of it? I guess I had a different impression of what a halfway house is.

Michelle

 

[snoopy]

My advice is to follow the rules they have set forth in the halfway house. More than likely, the counselors there are former addicts themselves, and know how to deal with your ex.

I'm not completely knowledgeable in the principles of AA and NA, but I know one of the concepts that is taught is taking a moral inventory of one's behavior. They may see you as someone who will enable him to get away with using drugs. Or maybe they just feel that he is not ready to deal with a relationship when his own life is messed up.

I went through rehabs with both my brother (very successful, he followed the NA principles to the letter and has been clean for 9 years) and my cousin (who unfortunately was never successful and died this year of an OD at age 38. ) Many people do not succeed on the first or second or third try, but when they finally hit "rock bottom" they do. For some, rock bottom never comes.

Wishing you luck in dealing with this sad situation, and hoping your ex gets the help he needs. I think the fact that he himself made the decision to get help - rather than the law enforcing it - is a good sign.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

yes - stay out of it for right now.
I'm sorry that sounds harsh and I really do feel sorry for you. I know you care for him and you want to take care of him, but right now you just can't.

They are the professionals.

He said it is always 2 or 3 of them yelling at him about this stuff. I know they have good intentions, but I think they are going about it the wrong way. I don't like seeing him in a place like that.

Those and some of the rest of your post are some very scary statements. At a glance you seem to be quickly headed down the path of co-dependancy. It's not up to you to fix his life, to make him happy, or to take care of him.

 

[wdwnutze]

Please do as they have asked and don't have any contact with him. Things may seem harsh but the people at the halfway house know what they are doing. He needs to focus on him and take responsibility for himself and not put the blame on anyone else. You seem to be falling into the role of enabler and it is a tough role to get out of. (I worked in this field for many years). He is the only one that can do this for himself. As long as you are making excuses and finding fault with the halfway house, he will continue to avoid dealing with what he needs to work on.
I wish you both the best.

 

[RUDisney]

Leave him be. You're getting his side of the story about what goes on with the counselors. You aren't there to see him standing up to them, or disagreeing with them, or any of the reasons why they use the tactics that they do.

We have a friend that went through this. He lived for a year in a Salvation Army halfway house. He hated every minute of it. Alot of it has to do with losing your self-esteem and regaining it, slowly... one day at a time as AA says. He would visit us, when he was allowed to go out by himself, and he'd tell us about his daily struggle. He has scars on his wrists from trying to commit suicide. He has been in prison, and has OD'd several times. He lived on the streets in NYC for awhile.

He has been drug and alcohol free for more than two years now. It took his primary enabler dying (his father) for him to hit rock bottom and decide to allow AA to work this time.

His counselors have just now given him the heads up that he can start to date again, if he wants.

Give your ex space and allow him to work this out on his own. You can sit back and be proud of him later.

If everything that has been said so far doesn't sit well with you, there's nothing stopping you from calling his counselors and asking for a meeting so you can hear it directly from them. Maybe that will give you the inner peace to let him go.

 

[RUDisney]

I just wanted to add that it seems like you believe that he won't have a support network. Believe me, from what I've seen from AA members, THAT is the BEST support network that ANY addict can have.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Also to my understanding a lot of halfway houses don't allow much contact with anyone from the outside. Even if you are a good influence (which you certainly are) it could still put some stress on him to see you. You are better off letting him get some more clean time.

Good luck to you and to him.

 

[shelle94]

I am just now starting to see my role in this whole thing. I've always thought I was a fairly smart person. I may be book smart but I am very naive I think. This whole time I thought this was just HIS problem. He's the one with the addictions...not me. LOL. It seems like stupid logic now.

Snoopy, I am sorry to hear about your cousin. I have also heard about the "rock bottom" thing. I hope my ex has reached his and will only go up from here.

Toby's Friend, I have read a couple of books about codependency. I have seen traits of this in myself all of my life. I had to grow up very fast. I do not want kids of my own because I feel like I have already raised two... my brother and sister. My Dad worked 12 hour days and when he came home that was HIS time. My Mom worked full time and went to school full time. I made sure my brother and sister got up in the morning and got off to school. I came home from school and cooked dinner, did the dishes and then did homework. I also felt like I had to "stand guard" for my Mom. My parents fought constantly and I was always afraid something would happen to her. I try not to have hard feelings about this. I know my parents did the best they could. I know I am a control freak and I have a hard time just sitting by and watching this happen. Sometimes I actually feel uncomfortable when I see something happening to someone and I think I could help. It's like an antsy feeling. It's something I have been trying to work on, but I really don't even know how to start.

wdwnutze, I'm having such a hard time with this. I'm fighting the urge to call him right now. No contact at all does seem very harsh. He must feel like he is all alone. There is nobody there for him now that really knows him.

Thanks everyone for your help. I guess I'll have to take it one day at a time just like they tell him in AA. I will not call him tonight but if he calls I will have a hard time not picking up the phone. I thought after I finally got the strength to break up with him all of this would be over. Silly me.

Michelle

 

[shelle94]

RUDisney, I am glad that he has people in AA that will support him, I guess I just feel that isn't enough. They don't know him. I guess that's maybe what he needs for awhile. To start a whole new life with new friends. I just can't even imagine what he's going through right now. It must be so hard.

Beth E., I always thought I was a good influence on him. I very rarely drink and I've never tried drugs or even a cigarette. I don't even take Tylenol unless I absolutely have to. But now that I look back on our relationship I don't see myself as the super good person I thought I was. I let this happen for 3 years. I put up a fight, but not much of one. The one time I had my bags packed and I threatened to leave he stopped drinking and started going to AA meetings. That lasted about a week. Then things went back the way they were. I allowed things to be that way. I'm not proud of that.

Yeah, I guess I'm starting to see why it's best not to talk to him. Maybe I wasn't the good supportive friend that I thought I was. I certainly don't want to interfere with him getting better. Wow what a wake up call. I really had no clue that I was making things worse for him...then or now.

Michelle

 

[wdwnutze]

Shell94-
I do understand how hard this is. Maybe some type of support group for yourself would be beneficial(Al-anon or counseling). Take care of yourself and don't blame yourself. It sounds like your heart was in the right palce.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

{{{{hugs}}}} to you! Don't beat yourself up over it -- you did the best you could in the situation. I second the motion that you consider trying Al-Anon. Even if you are not with him anymore it could help you and make you feel better.

 

[RUDisney]

Shell, I have a friend who joined Al-anon after her divorce, just for the support that it offered. She is a stronger person now than she ever was back then. I think you should give the meetings a try. It can be a blessing for you that you never would have imagined.

Remember... everything happens for a reason... how you handle the situation is what matters most.

Good luck to you! (and your friend.)

 

[ripleysmom]

Michelle, been there done that. I loved him very much and walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done so I can totally relate. Everyone has given you good advice, most especially about joining Al-anon.

I have to say that the way he is describing the facility he is in makes me think that he will go back to his old ways once he gets out. It almost sounds like he is going to be throwing himself a pity party.

Just remember that he is the only one who can change.

 

[Serena]

shelle, I understand the control thing. You want to protect him and you can't right now.

Call the counselors, but do what they ask and don't talk to him. Set up a meeting so you can see for yourself that they know what they are doing. I can only imagine how hard this is for you.

 

[shelle94]

It is hard to take a step back because I feel like I am deserting him. And yet, sometimes it's a relief. I now have the time and the energy to spend on myself. I haven't taken care of myself very well over the past few years. I think the worst thing I am dealing with right now is guilt. Sometimes it keeps me up all night. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself or other people tell me that I did the right thing I still feel horrible about it. I don't even know why I feel so guilty. I don't know if I think I should've done something differently or tried harder or if I'm just setting standards too high for myself. I wish his Mom would stop calling and whining to me. I can't stand that woman. She refuses to face reality when it comes to her family. I really think he will have a hard time getting better because she will keep dragging him back down. She doesn't see it that way. She thinks she is just taking care of him. When he has a sore throat or a headache she goes running to her medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescription medicines she has left over. And then she wonders why he thinks it's ok to take drugs. *sigh* Sometimes it looks like a hopeless situation to me and I just want to run in the opposite direction. Why do I feel like it's my responsibility to "save" him or fix his life? I don't get it.

I did pick up a pamphlet that lists a couple of Al-Anon meetings. I am willing to try it.

 

[Serena]

Just mho, but I think what you are doing, the alanon meetings, would be a smart thing to do. I've heard lots of good things about them. And it couldn't hurt.

 

[snoopy]

shelle, from what you have told us, you have the classic symptoms of what is referred to as a "co-dependent" in NA/AA world. So does his mother. Al-Anon WILL help you with that, there are going to be people there just like you, feeling the same way that you do, and it will be good to get that support and help put some perspective on things.

When my brother was in the early stages of recovery, I wasn't sure he was going to make it. Lots of denial going on (sounds like your ex is doing this as well), lots of anger. But he stuck with it, and we stuck to tough love. The program won't work without it. Its up to your ex to make the decision to stay off drugs, its up to you and those who love him to support him without enabling him. Its tough, I know. My heart broke for my brother, but I knew that given the situation in the early stages of his recovery he could have easily fallen back to the pattern of manipulation, so common among addicts.

Please do check out Al-Anon, I think you will find it very therapeutic.

 

[stego]

There's been some good advice on here, Michelle.
But that, of course is just a matter of opinion.
The thing that probably needs to come into play is the EXPERIENCE with recovery.
I read your original post, about your question regarding halfway houses.
Then I read farther into the post about breaking up with your boyfriend.
So this makes him your ex-boyfriend, right?
You broke up with him. I don't know about you, but that usually means that you don't see the other person any more.
Period.
It's obvious he has some serious issues he has to deal with (or not), and those don't have ANYTHING to do with you. That's the reality. I could probably write a good novel's worth about the experiences I've had, but that probably wouldn't help you. I will keep this short.
The thing foremost should be taking care of Michelle, and so you should change the post reading-HOW SHOULD I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND NOT MY EX-BOYFRIEND'S LIVING SITUATION? That last line is an eye-opener; or it could just be a suggestion. I have read further into your posts, and appreciate you sharing from the heart. It is obvious that the past few months you've done some soul-searching into your past behavior. I might suggest the next step is learning how to take care of yourself. That's going to have to begin by walking away from your ex and his family. Clearly, a new set of ideas and relationships are in store for you! Yes, there are professionals working with him, and yes it does sound very drastic and disruptive. The thing is this:
you have to make a choice to turn it over. I'll put this in one line; as far as his mom: The world revolves around her, and will continue to do so until she makes an effort to get help. Period. The choice is yours if you choose to participate in THAT. You do show a willingness, and now ahead of you lies the journey. However, it is a program of ACTION. I would suggest professional counseling, and also attending Al-anon. After going to a few meetings, you'll find out about YOUR PART in all of this.
It's tough, don't get me wrong. But the same applies to you as it does to your ex-you got to want it to make it work-not because you've been forced into it, or been sent by the courts, or because your parents tell you you have to go.
Some of the feelings and emotions you will go through will be tough-I have no doubt about that. However, you are not alone! Try to remember there are others who have walked through this, just like you, and all you have to do is reach out. You will learn about living your life on a daily basis. You'll also learn that it's progess, and not perfection.
I will close with this: We all try to see life through the fence. All we can see is just a glimpse, through the little knothole. However, God has seen your life unfold-All of it. You just have to trust Him. Remember-you alone make the choice to walk with Him. Good luck, and God bless, Fred

 

[shelle94]

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I guess I just need a little encouragement. I am going to try Al-Anon. I think talking with people that are going through the same thing will help.

Fred, you are definately right about his Mom. She needs help, but I don't see her ever realizing that. It's sad. I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok to remove myself from the situation and I'm not deserting anyone. Putting me first is much harder than I ever thought it would be. lol. Thanks for the kind words.

You broke up with him. I don't know about you, but that usually means that you don't see the other person any more. Period.

Ouch. You aren't friends with any of your exes? I am with a couple. If I'm in a bad relationship I try to end it before it gets to the I never want to see you again stage. We were together for three years. We may not be in a romantic relationship anymore, but he is still a very dear friend. I will not contact him because I'm being told this is what is best for me and for him. I have no hard feelings towards him. His councelors also told him it is never a good idea to stay friends with an ex. Why? This seems strange to me. I think if you can stay friends afterwards it shows you have a strong friendship and can handle the situation maturely. There are a couple exes that I never speak to, but I really try not to harbor a grudge towards anyone.