Anyone have parents dating?

[Pumpkingirl7]

I lost my mom after a liver transplant in June 2009. My dad has recently started dating after joining all of the dating websites. He is 57. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? He was married to my mom for 30 years. They had a great successful marriage but she has been sick for a while. He is dating a woman who is actually still legally married to husband number 2. I actually found that out on facebook as he did not mention it. She did not seem at all interested in getting to know me or my brother. I started seeing a therapist but am looking for any advice from someone who has been there before???

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Sorry I don't know anything about this. I will offer a comment that it is supposed to be a sign of a great marriage if the other person gets in a relationship right away.

It's possible that they don't want to meet each other's family's enless it gets serious. Good luck with everything.

Sorry about your mom.

 

[krcit]

I lost me dad 20 years ago when he was just 54. My mom never dated and it makes me sad that she is so lonely now. I know it's easy for me to say since my mom never did date but your dad is a young man and should try to find love again. It does not take anything away from what he and your mom had. I know that if I died, I would not want my DH to be alone for the rest of his life and would hope he would date and eventually marry again. I'm sure this is very hard for you and for your dad too, I'm sure. I hope it all works out. I'm so sorry about your mom

 

[Teacher03]

My MIL died when she was 45. The day after she passed, women were coming out of the woodwork after my FIL. He dated within a year, and married about 2 years after. His kids had a difficult time dealing with it at first, but the woman he married has been a blessing;that was 26 years ago. But it took time to accept the marriage, it meant accepting the fact that their mom was gone. There were drag out arguments at times. But as I said, she is wonderful.

My mom died almost 4 years ago, and my dad has dated. It hasn't been too difficult for me, because he hasn't been serious about any. I haven't even met any of them. But I think time is sometimes what is needed. And lots of prayers that the person a parent is dating is a caring, loving person. I would actually like my dad to meet someone special. He is so lonely right now, it's hard to watch.

I hope things get easier. It hasn't been that long since you lost your mom; I know how difficult it is. Time is a friend, but it doesn't entirely erase the pain.

 

[momz]

I'm sorry for your loss. I've seen this happen with a close family member (not a parent though). Anyway, his wife of 50+ years died. He was dating within a few months, and less than a year after the funeral...he was re-married. I dealt with it by acknowledging that the situation has nothing to do with ME or my feelings..it also has nothing to do with his relationship with his first wife. He was looking for companionship, and that's all that it was. It was unbearable for him to find himself alone, without someone to share his time and space. He was lonely, and no amount of time spent with other family members can satisfy the need for that type of intimacy shared with another.

I looked at it as a blessing. His demeanor changed dramatically, he was much happier being in a committed and sharing relationship than when he was facing the world alone. I'm not a big fan of his new wife, but we welcome her into our family because of what she means to him.

 

[abdmom]

I'm a widow. My dh died when we were both 42. It's been almost 5 years. I completely agree with this post.

He was looking for companionship, and that's all that it was. It was unbearable for him to find himself alone, without someone to share his time and space. He was lonely, and no amount of time spent with other family members can satisfy the need for that type of intimacy shared with another.

It's like losing half of yourself. The loneliness is unbearable.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

My condolences on your loss.

I lost my own mom in May of '95, and in Jan of '96 my dad remarried. He was lonely and made a conscious decision not to be lonely. Some family members (my dad's own nephews, nieces) had a hard time accepting his new wife at first, but I always supported my dad because I wanted what was best for him. Nothing was going to bring my mom back.

Something I have heard since I was pretty young, and always remembered: "Life is for the living." You can mourn your loved ones, but don't stop living because they have.

for your hurt.


I think this describes my own dad's situation:

I'm a widow. My dh died when we were both 42. It's been almost 5 years. I completely agree with this post.

He was looking for companionship, and that's all that it was. It was unbearable for him to find himself alone, without someone to share his time and space. He was lonely, and no amount of time spent with other family members can satisfy the need for that type of intimacy shared with another.

It's like losing half of yourself. The loneliness is unbearable.

btw --- I lost my own dad in 2005. I'm glad he had companionship for his last 10 years, too.

 

[krcit]

I'm a widow. My dh died when we were both 42. It's been almost 5 years. I completely agree with this post.



It's like losing half of yourself. The loneliness is unbearable.

I'm sorry.

 

[SpecialK]

My dad found someone after my mom died. They never married, but they were together over 25 years before they both passed as well.

At first it was difficult to watch my dad date. I kept making comparisons to how he treated my mother and the things they used to do together. I finally realized that I wasn't around to see my parents date, and I was comparing apples to oranges.

In the end, I was glad that my dad found someone that made him happy and probably extended his life.

My advice would be not to have any expectations. Especially at the early stages, his relationship with her is no reflection on his relationship with your mom, and really exists separate from his relationship with you. Good luck.

 

[scrapquitler]

My parents were happily married for 42 years, and my dad died a little over a year ago.
My Mom isn't currently dating at all, but she asked me what I would think if she did (theoretically) and I told her that I would be thrilled if she found someone to have fun with and be with, that I don't see any reason for her to sit around and be lonely, I don't think that her dating would be any kind of bad reflection on my dad or their marriage, life goes on, afterall. My brothers, on the other hand reacted like this:

I think that it is probably harder for a man who loses his wife to go on without a new woman in his life than it is for a woman. I figure that a little companionship is a good thing.

Of course Mom hasn't ACTUALLY gone on any dates yet, and I might change my mind if she does.

 

[Pumpkingirl7]

Thanks to everyone for the input. How do you deal with that person moving into your mother's home? I know that she isnt here anymore but I guess my heart still wants to protect her. My mom and dad talked about him finding someone else after she died. She told him to choose wisely. Though she never said any of that to me. The only things she told me was that she thought he was ready for her to die (this is post transplant when she was doing really well). And she started crying one day when she thought about him finding someone else. Maybe I would feel differently if she had told me what she told him.

 

[java]

I am sorry for the loss of your mom. My parents divorced and remarried. Then my Dad found himself single again. He is dating. And has recently gotten serious with one of them. He wanted me to meet her but we'll be out of town. I really don't feel the need to be involved in his dating life until it's someone serious. I didn't want him in my dating life so I am giving him the same courtesy.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh, I am so sorry about the loss of you mother

I just try to think about how I upset I would have been (before i married) had my parents not liked someone I was dating simply because of who that person was not (in this case ANYone your dad dats is not and never can be your mom). That helps for normal things. Now, my dad's last two girlfeinds were 19 and 22 and i jsut have to try not to think about it much. Seriously, when they visited I had it compartmentalized in my head and htought of them as exchange students and not his girlfriends--otherwise it was just too icky. I could manage though--I just reminded my self that it is not my business; it is their's and that my dad is not dating to hurt me--he is dating for himself (and that is as it should be).

 

[tvguy]

No offense, but I'm not sure how to "deal with it" is what your mindset should be. You need to accept it. Your dad will always be your dad, and your mom will always be your mom. Nothing can change that. When your mother was still alive, you accepted what your parents did, I assume. I think you should do the same now.
My mom is the opposite of your dad.
My mom has been a widow for 43 years now. She did went out on a few dates, after a few years. I asked her a few years ago (she's in her 80's now) why she didn't date more. She had too many other things to deal with, raising me, I was 10 when my dad died, and working and paying the bills and keeping up the house. And after I was out of the house, she was set on being by herself, and coming and going as she pleased, dating never appealed to her.

 

[ilovejack02]

Op , hugs to you on your loss . Funny you bring this up today. I just got off the phone with my Aunt , my mom's twin sister. We were talking about her starting to date again . She lost her husband about three years ago. She belongs to an amazing grief group here in B.R. I can pm you the info if you think it might be interested in something like that. It has helped her tremendously.

 

[Pumpkingirl7]

That would be great!

 

[krcit]

Thanks to everyone for the input. How do you deal with that person moving into your mother's home? I know that she isnt here anymore but I guess my heart still wants to protect her. My mom and dad talked about him finding someone else after she died. She told him to choose wisely. Though she never said any of that to me. The only things she told me was that she thought he was ready for her to die (this is post transplant when she was doing really well). And she started crying one day when she thought about him finding someone else. Maybe I would feel differently if she had told me what she told him.

Don't go putting the cart before the horse and worrying about when and if she moves in with your dad. Baby steps. There are a lot of emotions and stress when someone is gravely ill, don't focus on those few conversations you had with mom.