Anyone else suffer from overeating disorder/binge eating disorder? Please HELP!!

[tinkerbell of winter]

I'm not doing too well with anything right now and really frustrated with myself. Since I started my new job in September I have not been very motivated and have been eating horribly, fast food many nights on the way home, not to mention it is too dark and cold now when I get home to go for a run. To make a long story short, in April of this year I weighed 190, today I way 237. It's very discouraging to go from feeling like i'm getting somewhere with my weight loss to gaining 47 lbs in seven months. Now I have to start all over AGAIN. I wish I had self control and the ability to not overeat but food is all I have in my life that makes me happy. I know that sounds crazy but that is the heart of the problem. It's the only thing that makes me feel satisfied. I don't know what to do to change that. Sometimes I come home and just eat non-stop until I go to bed. I don't know why I do it, but I just do. I just wish I had some motivation, some incentive to care about myself and what I do repeatedly to my body but that is what people like me do. I now understand how someone can weigh 400 lbs. They are someone like me, someone without any love or joy in their life, someone without any hope of love or joy in their life, and someone who knows they will never experience that. How do you overcome this? I have accepted the fact that I will be alone the rest of my days, but why can't I overcome this overeating as a compensation mechanism???

I am a healthcare professional, I recognize these signs as overeating disorder or binge disorder. Sometimes I find myself eating on the way home, and then stopping at the store to buy a bunch of junk to eat when I get home. And then when that stuff is gone I may scrounge together whatever else I can find to eat. I just don't know what to do and would like advice from anyone who has had experience with this sort of thing. The behaviors I exhibit are classic signs of overeating disorder, especially the fluctuations in weight. I have lost 36 lbs three times in the past four years. I feel great when I go on a diet and am exercising, because I get the endorphin high from that, but then when I get too busy, life changes and I have to stop exercising I need something else to compensate, so I choose to compensate with pints of ice cream and bags of chips. I literally crave fast food and it makes me feel "good" to eat it, even though it is not good for me. I know I should probably be on antidepressants, but I am so afraid of the "weight-gain" side effect, as if I don't weigh enough already!!! Maybe the benefits outweigh the risks, but I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to get labeled a "crazy" because I have to take an antidepressant. My family would do that they wouldn't understand. It's at the point where I don't want to go to my grandmother's for Christmas because I might end up in a picture looking the way I do. It's not good, I want to isolate myself from others, I don't want to be around other people any more than I have to.

I try to overcompensate by keeping myself busy at work, working two jobs, working on another degree, etc... I am always doing something because I am never going to be satisfied with where I am in life. I am constantly striving to do more because I feel inadequate. I try to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think about other things (the nagging reminder that I will be alone forever) that drag me down. I've heard it a hundred times, you shouldn't lose weight to make yourself attractive to others, that you should do it for yourself, but the point is I need some kind of motivation, even if it is just "false" motivation.

I would really love to hear from anyone with similar circumstances and successes and challenges you have encountered. I wish that there were some kind of eating disorder center where I live that I could go and get help, I really don't want to go to the arrogant doctors here (trust me I know them) and have them laugh at me and tell me it's just lack of self control. If I had no self control then I don't know how I would have gotten where I am in life, I have a medical disorder, overeating = increased serotonin levels in my brain = feeling better temporarily.

I'd love to hear from anyone, thanks!!!

 

[LMO429]

I just read your post. Sometimes its hard to find motivation. I see on the bottom of your signature your Daughter is 10 years old. (is that right?) maybe your motivation can be to try to set a healthy example for your daughter. Maybe do things with her after school that require some sort of physical activity even something as simple as going for a bike ride together could be a healthy event that you both can look forward too.

I think alot of people especially woman place alot of importance and self worth on having someone in their lives or a being in a relationship in order for them to feel good about themselves. I think you have to be 100% happy with yourself FIRST before a relationship with someone else can ever work out.

Here is a book that might help you "The real solution" Binge/Compulsive Eating Workbook by Richard H. Pfeiffer.

I wish you luck and sending you some pixie dust!

 

[LKLush]

I can really sympathize with you because I have had the same compulsions. When I was a freshman and sophomore in college (four years ago) I had symptoms of bulimia (although never diagnosed, but have read/seen enough TV and have a psych BA)- half of which is overeating (as opposed to those that only eat a cracker and throw it up, I would eat a pint of ice cream, a whole meal, and more) - the same thing you're going through. I think my symptoms were brought on by many different things, including my parents divorce (after being married 20+ years - I thought we were going to be one of the few families that "made it"), stress of college, and the pressure to drop weight for my future career. I occassionally have flashbacks where I'll eat a ton (or what I've told myself is a ton) and have compulsions to purge.

I've learned to control myself by deciding that it's completely unhealthy to live that way. Yes, food was a comfort for me - it tasted great to scoop Ben & Jerry's into my mouth - but why does a sugary frozen milk product make me happy? It didn't. I ended up feeling worse afterwards. I felt guilty. Then I'd purge and think "hey, I just got rid of it, now I can really eat something and enjoy it this time" then I'd overeat AGAIN and purge AGAIN!! Ugh. It was a living H - E - double...yep.

I finally decided that I needed to comfort myself with things that were better for my body. I'm still convincing myself on a regular basis that food isn't the answer - that perhaps experiences are better for the person than filling one's self with food. Even if the "experience" is going for a walk, reading a book, or taking a 30m road trip to nowhere. I fight with it still, but understand that it is a disease/disorder, and that you CAN overcome it - as long as you direct your need for comfort or to be satiated somewhere else. You deserve better, and your body deserves better. Good luck. It took me a lot longer to talk about it than you, so congrats on taking a step in the right direction.

 

[JudyS]

Tinkerbell of Winter, I'm sorry you are having so many problems!

Try not to "beat yourself up" over re-gaining the weight. Keeping lost weight off is very, very, very difficult, and almost everyone who loses weight gains it back. In fact, I asked here a few days ago whether anyone was in the National Weight Loss Registry, a study of people who have kept at least 30 pounds off for at least a year. So far, no one here is, and I've started to wonder just how many people here have actually kept off much weight for any length of time. (Although that's a topic for another thread.)

Actually, my weight fluctuations are almost exactly the same as yours. I started at 236 a few years ago, got down to 190, gained almost all of it back, got down to 190 again, gained all of it back plus 2 more pounds, and now I'm fighting my way back down again.

Reading your post, I agree with you that you are depressed. In fact, I think that's the main problem you are having. It is almost impossible to diet if you feel depressed and hopeless. I would strongly urge you to find a doctor (preferable a psychiatrist) and ask about anti-depressants. There are some that actually cause weight loss. Prozac tends to cause slight weight loss, at least at first, and Wellbutrin is actually as effective at causing weight loss as are many prescription weight-loss drugs. Often, both are prescribed together, which may lead to even more weight loss. (I currently take Prozac, but am thinking of asking my psychiatrist to also prescribe Wellbutrin for me.) As for your family not approving, don't they want you to be happy, rather than depressed? If you think they just won't understand, well, they don't really need to know, do they?

I would also recommend the book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. It is an excellent self-help book for depression. I am a psychology professor and often recommend it to depressed students, so I'm not just talking out of my hat here.

Another suggestion -- get an MP3 player (they are available starting at about $10 now), put some bouncy music on it (if you have a CD reader on your computer, you can use iTunes to make MP3s from CDs that you own, it's free), and carry it with you everywhere. I find this cheers me up and also gets me moving! Consider it an early holiday gift for yourself.

Also, you mention that you are sure you will be alone forever. I used to feel that way, too, and probably for much stronger reasons than yours. Not only am I heavy (I have been clinically obese pretty much my whole life) but I have other serious health problems that make it impossible to have children and that also interfere with normal sexual functioning. Despite this, after much searching, I found a wonderful man and we have now been together over 20 years. So, please don't give up!

I hope you feel better soon! I am going to also email or PM this post to you to make sure you get it.

 

[delilah]

I am a health professional, also, and I have had problems with my weight that I attribute to the work environment that we are in. I will first give some background. I am a family physician. When I was a young adult, I was very thin. I am 5'2" tall, and I weighed about 100lbs when I got married about 30yrs ago. I attended graduate school in chemistry before I attended medical school. While I was in graduate school, I maintained my weight pretty well. As you know, the ideal weight for a person 5'2" is 110 lbs, and I pretty much stayed under 110lbs until my last year or so of graduate school. I was sexually harrassed by a coworker, and eventually left the program without finishing my doctorate (I have a MS degree). I overate during the last year, and left graduate school weighing about 120lbs. I left graduate school under very stressful conditions, and I wasn't careful with my diet. I didn't get the counseling that would have helped me in the situation I was in. I was still a very capable person, and applied to medical school and was accepted. I continued to gain weight, until the last quarter of my first year of medical school, when I weighed 145 lbs. This was the first time I tried to lose weight, and I was able to get back to a weight of about 105-110 lbs, which I maintained all through medical school. (So I maintained at least a 30lb weight loss for 3 years at that time). Residency was a different situation. I was diagnosed with depression at that time, and was started on medication. Between depression, medication increasing my appetite, crazy work schedules that made it hard to find time to sleep, let alone exercise, and too easy access to food (residents ate free of charge at our hospital), I unfortunately gained weight during residency. I didn't exactly binge eat, but, at times, I overate, because I was afraid I wouldn't have a chance to eat at all if I didn't do so then. At that time, I developed a phobia to the scale. I don't know how much weight I gained, but I went from a size 3 to tight size 12 while in residency. Based on my recent weight loss experience, I estimate I weighed 150-160 lbs when I finished residency. My second year in private practice, I decided to try to lose my weight (because I didn't want to invest in a size 14 wardrobe). When I started my weight loss program, I weighed 170lbs. I switched to the then newer antidepressants that didn't cause a monster increase in appetite, and lost to about 115lb. I maintained this weight +/- 5lbs until my son was born. (This was an interval of about 5 years). He is adopted, and before he came, I exercised regularly. After he came, I was tired the way new working moms are, and, to make things worse, we had some doctors leave the practice, which meant more working hours for me. My son was a picky eater, and I didn't want to have to cook more than one meal routinely (one for him, one for adults), so I wasn't eating right, either. We had too much pasta, and not enough fresh fruit and vegetables. I gained about 60lbs, and actually, once I realized how heavy I was getting, I cut back. I would lose 10lbs, get distracted and discourage, and go back to bad habits. Between 2001, when I weighed 190 lbs, and last spring, when I started losing, I had gained a net of 7 lbs. But, 10lbs when you are that heavy doesn't make much of a difference in your appearance. There were several reasons that gave me motivation to lose weight. My blood pressure was high. I was developing impaired glucose tolerance, which undoubtedly would develop into diabetes if I didn't lose weight. Last winter, my belly was so big that I couldn't drive without it rubbing against the steering wheel. It made me breathless and dizzy to lean over to cut my toenails, and it was a major production to get up if for some reason I needed to sit on the floor. I had to shave my legs blindly, because I couldn't hold both my breasts and my belly out of the way at the same time. My feet hurt to walk from my desk at the nursing station to the exam rooms, and my knees and hips hurt going up and down stairs. After I lost weight, my feet and hips didn't hurt any more. My blood sugar has been normal since about two months into my weight loss that I only check it sporadically now. I do check HbA1c on myself. It was never higher than 6, but my last one was 5.0. I had to stop blood pressure medications in August, because my blood pressure was less than 100 systolic. It now runs 100-115 systolic. Overall, I feel really good. Now, instead of overeating when I feel stressed, I work out hard on the elliptical machine for release. It really works.

I am actually still about 15 lbs away from my ultimate goal (115 lbs). I think that the exercising has made the biggest difference for me. Now my son is getting old enough to participate with us, so I am hoping this will make a difference in succeeding in maintaining my weight loss this time.

 

[kirbydog48]

I so can relate to your story. It definitely sounds like you are suffering from depression. There are many SSRI's now that don't contribute to weight gain. In fact, once you start feeling better, you probably won't feel the urge to overeat as much. If you had a more "acceptable" medical issue, you probably wouldn't hesitate to take medication. If you're afraid of negative reactions from family members, then don't share it with them. Try to find a therapist who deals with eating disorders ( I think there's a national organization of eating disorder therapists). You need to figure out what's triggering the overeating. I saw a therapist for 2 yrs. I learned that I overeat to numb myself from feeling any negative emotion...stress, anger, lonliness, despair, etc. I would feel better for about a second, then the feelings of guilt and shame due to overeating would come, and I'd feel even worse about myself. I don't have any easy answers and am still struggling every day. I think the key is feeling your feelings and becoming more aware. And do something nice for yourself. Get yourself a Christmas present. A pedicure, pair of earrings, whatever. You are worthy of happiness. Please don't give up on yourself.

 

[Mai Ku Tiki]

I posted this elsewhere but thought it might apply here as well...I have been where you ARE! From my OWN EXPERIENCE (and my Dad's & my grandmother's & my aunts')) I think that blood sugar & depression are very related. Hope this gives you something to consider:

Traditional WW is about portion control.....doesn't matter (almost) what you eat as long as you don't exceed pts. Traditional LO-CARB is about WHAT you eat, not necessarily portion size.

So, WW Lo-Carb made me MISERABLE. Early plateauing. I've returned to trad. LO-CARB. I can eat when I'm hungry (smaller, more frequent portions) and with the reduction of carb-triggers, I'm less hungry!

Most fruits and snax like popcorn are off-limits. But I don't crave them since nothing is triggering my cravings. Even South Beach is waaaayyy too many sugars & carbs for me...I've come to accept it...It is just how it is for me.

Looking back, my over-eating & binging was more than just emotional...it was a painful PHYSICAL need to maintain the blood-sugar high that those old bad carbs kept me on SINCE CHILDHOOD! My poor Dad who was ALWAYS hungry and needed to eat more & more, was, I believe, a carb addict as well. Yes. It IS an ADDICTION with the painful feelings of withdrawal (emotional & physical) that for me occurred 24/7.

I'm not losing tons of weight & I sometimes still yo-yo a bit, but I have lost inches and at least I am FINALLY in control of ME (instead of my addiction controlling ME!) I feel healthier & more relaxed as well.

When in doubt, I return to my old Atkins info (high protein, reasonable healthy fats & lo/no-carbs).

I'm also looking for an on-line support system that isn't too time-consuming.
(Need to spend my time wisely- like HERE at the DIS!)

While it seems a vicious cycle (I eat because I'm depressed/I'm depressed because I eat) I truly believe that IF YOU ARE A CARB ADDICT after just a few weeks of NO CARBS, everything can change. Sounds drastic, but with most LO/NO-CARB plans, you can eat whenever you are hungry in those first few weeks as long as you greatly limit carbs. It is NOT FOR EVERYONE, but it has helped me alot! DON'T GIVE UP!