Anybody else have a hard to deal with Mom?

[Papa Deuce]

I'll preface this with the fact that my mom does a LOT for my family. A whole lot. But I'm not sure it is worth it...

If she calls, and I don't answer she gets mad because she says I look at my caller ID and choose not to answer.Untrue 98% of the time.

She may leave a message, that I may not get, and if I don't call, she gets mad. ---- this happens a lot.

I just now called home. She is watching my kids until my wife gets home. This was the conversation - verbatim.


Me: Hello.

Her: What? ( in a somewhat nasty tone )

Me. It's my house and I want to talk to my kids. ( angry at the attitude above )

Her: Watch your mouth. - then she hands the phone to my kids.

That is a pretty typical exchange for us. Now I am not 100% blameless. I could work harder at being nicer, but my wife and my brother have the exact same type of conversations with her, so it isn't just me.

It's like she thinks the whole world hates her and she's gonna get her shots in before anybody else can. She offers unsolicited, and frequently nasty opinions. She'll put her nose in where it absolutely does not belong. She likes to gossip, and i don't want to hear it, so when she persists after I ask her to stop, I just leave. I have enough problems of my own, and don't care what my aunts and uncles are doing ( usually cheating on spouses according to my mom ).

The only time she is pleasant anymore is when she is with her grand kids.

Every minute - well 80% of them - is like an unpleasant chore.

How do you handle it?

 

[Wishing on a star]

It's not worth it.

Establish some healthier and more realistic boundaries as an adult.

Your kids are absorbing this.
Don't even get me started on how your wife probably feels about being continually subjected to this.

If you are letting your wife (and your kids) see this, and are subjecting them to being her punching bag as well, this is a HUGE mistake.

Been there done that...
DH thought his parents, particularly my FIL's, behavior was excusable.
It wasn't.

The fact that he chose to subject me to that treatment has had untold effect on our marriage.
He should have established some boundaries, and had more love and respect for my feelings.

I want to bold and underline and all-cap every single word in this post.
As a person who has been there done that with my husband and my inlaws, this has to be one of the most serious posts that I have ever written.

 

[golfgal]

Recent verbatim conversation with my mom:

me-Hello
her-are the twins home, I am calling to wish them a Happy Birthday today.
me-their birthday was yesterday
her-no it wasn't, it's today
me-no, it was yesterday
her-my calendar says it is today
me-kids, Grandma is on the phone...

The kids call her scary Grandma. She was still insisting that she was right and they were wrong...

How do I deal with it, I don't. We don't call her, we don't visit. We made that decision several years ago and she still doesn't understand why we don't visit when all she can do is tell us how awful we look, raise our kids, you name it and how wonderful my siblings are doing with their kids, etc. It has been that way my entire life. One example, I was selected as 1st chair violin for our 7th grade orchestra--huge deal to me. I had NO dresses or nice clothing being the tomboy I was. I wanted to get something nice for the concert so my mom took me shopping and proceeded to buy my sister all kinds of clothing and suddenly couldn't afford to buy me a new dress. Typical.

As an adult I can now choose to have that relationship and I choose not to.

In your case, I don't know. My mom never did anything for our family so the separation was easier.

 

[Jordans_Mommie]

My mom and your mom are probably long lost sisters! I have the same issue with my Mom she is mean to the world except for my son. My private nickname for her is Evilene

To make matters worse, as much as she seems to hate me, she can't stand for me to have anyone else in my life. She hates anyone that I am close to and is so rude to my friends that I don't allow her around them. She loves anything negative, she is not even an equal opportunity gossip as she only shares bad news.

The way that I deal with it is to not participate in it. My mom gets a kick out of making me angry so I just refuse to indulge her, I just keep an even tone and get away from her as quickly as possible when she is acting like a witch. She is beginning to realize thahas found that arguing with herself gets old pretty quick.

 

[Papa Deuce]

In your case, I don't know. My mom never did anything for our family so the separation was easier.

See, my mom does tons:

1. Watches the kids 1x - 2x a week til my wife gets home. About 8 hours most weeks.

2. Buys them clothes - but we can do that. She just chooses to.

3. Three weeks ago she volunteered to stay at my house for a week so that we didn't have to put the dogs in a kennel.... a $400 savings. We were at WDW.

4. Brings the kids food.... we supply food, but she chooses to anyway.

 

[golfgal]

See, my mom does tons:

1. Watches the kids 1x - 2x a week til my wife gets home. About 8 hours most weeks.

2. Buys them clothes - but we can do that. She just chooses to.

3. Three weeks ago she volunteered to stay at my house for a week so that we didn't have to put the dogs in a kennel.... a $400 savings. We were at WDW.

4. Brings the kids food.... we supply food, but she chooses to anyway.

And by doing this she thinks she can do whatever she wants to you and your family. You have to decide if this is really worth it in the long run. I would have a heart to heart talk with mom and tell her that you just can't tolerate her behavior any longer and your girls are witnessing her actions toward you and that isn't right either. Give her the choice to behave or be gone.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Well, I just have to say to be greatful you still have your mom. Mine passed away at the age of 60 last August and I would give anything to get to talk to her again, nasty or otherwise and we could have some fights.

Suzanne

 

[golfgal]

Well, I just have to say to be greatful you still have your mom. Mine passed away at the age of 60 last August and I would give anything to get to talk to her again, nasty or otherwise and we could have some fights.

Suzanne

I am sorry about your mom but these posts really bother me. My mom treats me like crap. I should be grateful for that?

 

[scottishduffy]

Just keep your distance from her when possible. DH has seriously distanced himself from his mother, and I have a slight distance from mine. His mom is very abusive. My mom isn't abusive per se.... just difficult. She can be so giving and wonderful to us, but then she just says things that cut very deep.

My mom's issue is that she pretty much does not care much about me when she thinks I'm fat. When I'm fat (like now) she really doesn't want friends or other family to see me because she is ashamed. Last time i saw her two weeks ago she pulled me aside and told me i needed to lose 30 pounds then handed me fat pills, appetite suppressants, and diuretics. She couldn't believe whe I told her that at 5'4" and a size 10, i am OK with me. But she is ashamed of her fat daughter. Forget the fact im smart and have done everything else in life to make my parents proud, forget the masters degree or the fact i'm happile married to a great man. All she wants is a thin beautiful daughter which she does not have. Ironically, my entire childhood my mother weighed 300 lbs. She only lost the weight a few years ago and now has become the 'fat nazi'. She slyly whispers all sorts of other things to me as well, just to dig at me. I visit as little as possible now.

 

[Wishing on a star]

See, my mom does tons:

1. Watches the kids 1x - 2x a week til my wife gets home. About 8 hours most weeks.

2. Buys them clothes - but we can do that. She just chooses to.

3. Three weeks ago she volunteered to stay at my house for a week so that we didn't have to put the dogs in a kennel.... a $400 savings. We were at WDW.

4. Brings the kids food.... we supply food, but she chooses to anyway.

Still NOT worth it...

There is no justification.

My FIL (mentioned above) thought that his money etc.. gave him rights...

The rights to my life, my independence, my self respect, my marriage, my children, are NOT for sale.

You could post a list of things that she 'does' a mile long.

To which my reply would still be 'not worth it'.

And, to which I would also reply, to any self respecting adult... cut the apron strings... I won't even go any further into any issues of grown adults, men especially, letting their mother have this kind of influence/power..... The words I would use would definitely get me some points.

 

[Papa Deuce]

...

My mom's issue is that she pretty much does not care much about me when she thinks I'm fat. When I'm fat (like now) she really doesn't want friends or other family to see me because she is ashamed. Last time i saw her two weeks ago she pulled me aside and told me i needed to lose 30 pounds then handed me fat pills, appetite suppressants, and diuretics. :headache.......

I came home once to find a box of Alli and an Alli diet book on my kitchen table.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG.... she did that!!!

For the love of God and/or anything sacred....
Establish some normal, healthy, realistic, boundaries.

Tell her that you have found some wonderful child care and do not want to have to be such a burdon on her.

Change your locks....

Screen your calls....

Again, I ask about how your wife feels about having this woman having such access/imposition in her life life and marriage.

It sticks out like a red flag the size of China that you have not mentioned your wife at all here.

There are no justifications or excuses.

If you want words of experience from one who has been there-done that.... you have it.... Make changes now, asap, as in 'yesterday'.

 

[Papa Deuce]

.....


Again, I ask about how your wife feels about having her woman having such access/imposition in her life life and marriage.

It sticks out like a red flag the size of China that you have not mentioned your wife at all here.

There are no justifications or excuses.

If you want words of experience from one who has been there-done that.... you have it.... Make changes now, asap, as in 'yesterday'.

My wife just says "your mom is nuts".... she and my mom get along better than I do with my mom. My mom leaves as soon as my wife gets in the door, so they do not interact much.

Child care is nearly impossible because my wife's hours are so crazy that nobody wants to watch my kids. My wife might call and say she'll be home at 6PM, and then shows up at 11PM.... like last night. Nobody can plan their nights following my wife's schedule.

ETA... I am awaiting a buyout offer from my company. If / when it happens I will be a stay at home dad for at least a few years.

 

[Wishing on a star]

What type of work/position does your wife have????

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I see that will most likely become a stay-at-home dad.

I foresee your mother viewing this as carte-blanche.....
She apparently already thinks that she has rights and that you are at her beck and call, instantly obligated, whenever she dials your number.

My advice remains the same.

 

[Papa Deuce]

What type of work/position does your wife have????

She is an assistant VP at a pharmaceutical research company. When deadlines approach, her hours go crazy....

 

[MushyMushy]

I understand. My mother and I had a volatile relationship up until the day she died. She was wonderful to the kids and my husband, but to me, she was harsh and not very loving.

I wish I had advice for you. Everyone does have good advice, but it's so much easier said than done. All I can tell you is that I understand.