Another MIL issue--long

[decker96]

Okay, for the most part I get along with my MIL. She irritates and annoys me sometimes, but she's not mean or vindictive or anything. She is one of those people that need constant compliments and positive feedback in order to feel good about herself, which is why she bugs me sometimes. I'm so not like that and people that are drive me crazy!!
Here's my problem. For the last two birthdays and last Christmas she has gotten my DD7 quite a few gifts that were way below her age level. Example, last Christmas she bought DD this game. Each person's game board is a puzzle with 6 pieces of different colors. You spin the spinner and whatever color you land on is the piece you put in your puzzle. The first one to finish their puzzle wins. When we figured out how to play it DD just looked at me like "you have got to be kidding!". DS3 loved it though so DD gave it to him. She also buys her books and other toys that are much more appropriate for a preschooler than a 1st grader.
Last weekend MIL called and said she was starting her Christmas shopping and would like lists for everyone. Every year I give her lists for the kids with about 5-6 different things on it so she can pick a few to give to them. The problem is she usually only gets them 1 thing off the list and then buys whatever else she wants which has become age-inappropriate things for my DD. I really want to try and explain this to MIL in a nice way so DD will not feel like she's given all her gifts to her little brother, but I know MIL will freak out. In the past whenever I've asked her for a receipt for something (this has always been for clothes and only because they are the wrong size) she gets all upset and says stuff like, "oh, I can't buy them anything they like" or "I don't know why I even bother, it's never right".
I know she will totally take anything I say the wrong way and if I ask her for a receipt so I can return a gift that's just not right, she'll be all upset. DH doesn't want me to say anything because he knows how she gets, but I feel like DD is getting short-changed and DS is getting way spoiled!
For her birthday this year, she got DD a princess t-shirt, which DD really liked. She was telling me that when she was in the store she had the hardest time deciding between the princess one and a Dora the Explorer shirt. I told her it was a good thing she picked the princess one becaue Dora was really for preschoolers and she was like really, you're kidding. I thought Emma (DD7) loved that show! Well, yeah she did like 3 years ago!
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach her with this? Oh, and telling her to give them money or gift certificates won't work. She wants to be able to "wrap something up, not give them a bunch of envelopes" (her exact words, even after I told her she could wrap the GC up in a box).
Sorry so long!!

 

[mom2grace]

Does she live close? Does she see/interact with your daughter?

If so, have your daughter show her all of the things she is interested in! Hopefully this could happen spontaneously.

Maybe your MIL could take your daughter shopping, even if it is just "to look".

But, I bet you could get store credit from wherever she buys the things that are too young.

Good luck!

My MIL just buys stuff......I just smile and put it in the charity box, but DD is only 3!

 

[eeyore kelly]

I worked retail a couple of years ago, and around Christmas we did not enforce the "receipt for exchange" policy. Most store don't through Jan. Maybe you can ask her where she got it from, and exchange it for something different.

 

[llij]

Does your MIL live near you so that maybe one afternoon she and your DD can go out shopping together? Maybe your daughter could point out items that interest her to your MIL.

Sorry, that I don't have any more words of advice but I can relate to what you are going through.

Good luck and best wishes!

 

[PrincessDeb]

My mother in law buys the wrong stuff all the time -I just smile and pass it on as well. I have heard all the same comments when I don't.
Two ways that we have "fixed" that situation is to either take her shopping myself (a nice day out with MIL!) or to take her with my children and she buys them gifts on the spot.
Hope that helps!
Deb

 

[decker96]

mom2grace -- She lives about 2 1/2 hours away, so she sees the kids about once a month. She knows what DD is into, but it doesn't seem to matter. For example DD really likes fashion Pollys and has quite a few different sets. MIL thinks she has too much of one thing and so refuses to add to her collection of them even though they come out with new sets 5 or 6 times a year!

My SIL (MIL's daughter) has older kids 17, 13 and 11. She usually suggests to MIL that SIL buy them some things they want and then MIL just pay her back. I've tried suggesting that I do this too, but she doesn't want me to. (sigh) It's frustrating!

Having her take DD to the store and show MIL things she likes is a good idea. They're coming to visit in a couple weeks. Maybe I'll suggest this to her.

 

[mom2grace]

Also, you will never "win" against your MIL! If it gets unbearable, make your DH deal with it.

Send your daughter to plead to Daddy to intervene!

 

[Disney_1derland]

Send her a list of gifts the children would like and a list of their current interests....music, characters, movies, etc. Having your daughter write this as a letter to her Grandmother might help even more. It will help her become more acquainted with your dd's current preferences and will help forge their relationship ahead. Maybe not even make it just this once a year, have her write a few a year to *update* GM on what is going on in her life. We do this with my MIL and it works wonderfully. Before the letters we were having the same issues.

 

[Beth76]

You're afraid to hurt her feelings? Oh puh-leeze! She's a grown woman. Just tell her that your daughter is too advanced for most of the things she buys. That should make her happy to hear that her granddaughter is "bright" and "gifted".

 

[missypie]

I bet it IS really hard to keep up...that's why most grandparents, after the baby stage, just give the parents the money to buy gifts for their kids. For about 5 years after my sister got married and moved away, my parents and I would buy her purple stuff because it was her favorite color. She finally had the nerve to ask why we kept buying her purple stuff...when we said we thought it was her favorite color, she said "It was...about 7 years ago!" Gift giving is tough!

 

[decker96]

Originally posted by Beth76
You're afraid to hurt her feelings? Oh puh-leeze! She's a grown woman. Just tell her that your daughter is too advanced for most of the things she buys. That should make her happy to hear that her granddaughter is "bright" and "gifted".

I am not afraid to hurt her feelings at all! Believe me, there have been many times I've told it like it is because she is irritating the crap out of me!!! But, the gift-giving thing is a different issue. For some reason, this is a really big deal to her and if I don't approach the issue carefully, not only will I hear about it FOREVER, so will everyone else in the family. She brings stuff up that happened a long time ago all the time, just to try and get people to feel sorry for her.
Telling her that DD is too advanced for the things she buys won't make her think that DD is bright and gifted, it will make her think that she can't pick out appropriate gifts for her grandchildren and she will go into self-pity mode which NO ONE wants to deal with!
I would love to be able to just tell her like I can with my own mother, but unfortunately, it's not the case. If it were that easy, I would have told her already.

 

[AdventurerKat]

I would definitely get your DD involved in this somehow. If she is not able to write real well yet, maybe she could cut things out of a catalog or the sunday paper fliers and give Grandma a list that way.

From what you have said, there is no way to approach this with your MIL without her getting upset, and that, I understand...been there, done that, and frankly I don't blame you for not wanting to "hear about it forever." But maybe getting the list directly from her granddaughter will nudge her a little bit in the right direction.

 

[decker96]

Originally posted by Disney_1derland
Send her a list of gifts the children would like and a list of their current interests....music, characters, movies, etc. Having your daughter write this as a letter to her Grandmother might help even more. It will help her become more acquainted with your dd's current preferences and will help forge their relationship ahead. Maybe not even make it just this once a year, have her write a few a year to *update* GM on what is going on in her life. We do this with my MIL and it works wonderfully. Before the letters we were having the same issues.

This is a great idea! DD has really gotten into sending e-mails lately, so she could e-mail her and let her know what types of stuff she likes.

Any other suggestions, keep them coming!

 

[Traveliz]

I only skimmed over this so I hope this isn't a repeat...but grandma's love to think their grandkids are super smart, advanced, or whatever so you might start bragging a bit to grandma about how Susie put that puzzle together so fast and you have been noticing at school she is reading at a 2nd grade level or whatever and you really hope grandma can encourage her by getting her gifts that will stretch her imagination, learning, etc and then suggest some.

Good luck

Liz

 

[SC Minnie]

Until my MIL's eyesight began to fail she and DD were 'penpals'. DD loved to get real mail and MIL loved to hear from her-- it was their special way to keep in touch. It also helped DD learn letter writing skills as well as writing in general. DD would write about what TV shows or movies she liked, what she was doing in school etc.

Why not suggest something like this. It may help your MIL feel closer to your DD because they have thay something special and grandma should know what she likes.

I also like the shopping trip idea.

 

[Microcell]

Okay, I hope my MIL does not lurk because the last thing I would want is her feelings hurt, and like me, they hurt easily. I try to be sure she knows what interests my DD and DS but sometimes she gets something they don't have use for and I just tell her the part is broken on it and I want to take it back for exchange. She is fine with that. She also buys the most ugly clothes on the planet sometimes and I just tell her it was a little too big- "she is growing like a weed" I say. Now she gives me the receipts especially for the clothes- thank goodness!

I learned this from my mom since my great aunt used to do the same thing and the last thing she would do is disrespect an elder. They were both old school! All my life she took things back that were inappropriate.

 

[Cruisin]

How about when Grandma comes to visit having your daughter sit down with Grandma and look through the toys etc in the Christmas Catalogues.

Your daughter can point out to Grandma what interests her and they get some quality time sitting together "reading" the catalogue.

 

[decker96]

Originally posted by Microcell
Okay, I hope my MIL does not lurk because the last thing I would want is her feelings hurt, and like me, they hurt easily. I try to be sure she knows what interests my DD and DS but sometimes she gets something they don't have use for and I just tell her the part is broken on it and I want to take it back for exchange. She is fine with that. She also buys the most ugly clothes on the planet sometimes and I just tell her it was a little too big- "she is growing like a weed" I say. Now she gives me the receipts especially for the clothes- thank goodness!

Want to hear something funny? I actually tried this one time (the broken toy part thing) and she said, oh, just give it back to me, I'll take it back and exchange it for another one. So, I had to call her back the next day and tell her that DH was able to fix it so we didn't need to return it after all. Apparently, she has all the "tricks" figured out!

 

[snarfer1]

Originally posted by decker96
I am not afraid to hurt her feelings at all! Believe me, there have been many times I've told it like it is because she is irritating the crap out of me!!! But, the gift-giving thing is a different issue. For some reason, this is a really big deal to her and if I don't approach the issue carefully, not only will I hear about it FOREVER, so will everyone else in the family. She brings stuff up that happened a long time ago all the time, just to try and get people to feel sorry for her.
Telling her that DD is too advanced for the things she buys won't make her think that DD is bright and gifted, it will make her think that she can't pick out appropriate gifts for her grandchildren and she will go into self-pity mode which NO ONE wants to deal with!
I would love to be able to just tell her like I can with my own mother, but unfortunately, it's not the case. If it were that easy, I would have told her already.

Okay d96 here is the backup plan......

If DD emailing MIL doesn't work out.....

You email me with MIL's email, DD's name, age, school name, etc. Then I will email MIL pretending to be School administrator/guidance counselor, etc., and gently explain that her gifts need improvement.

Based on your suggestions, I could go the guilt route, and tell MIL that her gifts are demeaning, and damaging DD's self-image at a very important time in her school life.

-or-

I could just say her gifts stink.

-or-

I could send her a fake 'scholarly' paper on the appropriateness of various gifts for various ages, and the stressors inappropriate gifts place on the entire family dynamic causing a paradigm shift.

Personally I hope DD emailing works out, but I have an .edu email address that is standing by!

-TonyX

 

[decker96]

Originally posted by snarfer1
Okay d96 here is the backup plan......

If DD emailing MIL doesn't work out.....

You email me with MIL's email, DD's name, age, school name, etc. Then I will email MIL pretending to be School administrator/guidance counselor, etc., and gently explain that her gifts need improvement.

Based on your suggestions, I could go the guilt route, and tell MIL that her gifts are demeaning, and damaging DD's self-image at a very important time in her school life.

-or-

I could just say her gifts stink.

-or-

I could send her a fake 'scholarly' paper on the appropriateness of various gifts for various ages, and the stressors inappropriate gifts place on the entire family dynamic causing a paradigm shift.

Personally I hope DD emailing works out, but I have an .edu email address that is standing by!

-TonyX

snarfer1, I love your replies, they are so funny! I will make sure I keep that in mind!!