An old friend contacted me, but not sure what to do.

[Hillbeans]

We've been e-mailing back and forth for a few months now. This girl and I were best friends in Grammar school and part of HS, but she was sick for a lot of our school time (for an eating disorder) and was hospitalized.

My issue is that she cancelled our first planned meet up due to some issue with her car/work/living arrangements, and wrote me that maybe in a few weeks we can meet up once the dust settles.

My DH says he really doesn't want me to start up a friendship with this person because of her instability. She has a lot of family/work/personal issues and he doesn't want me getting involved.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and just the friendship die because you didn't want to get involved in something you should have just left as a nice memory?

(edit to say we went to HS about 14 years ago and we started e-mailing last year)

 

[holycow]

Absolutely! I won't go into the long scary details but YES!

How are you feeling about it? ARe you ready to have to deal with all of her baggage you will be hearing when you do meet up with her?

I'm in agreement with the DH...reply to her emails but wouldn't commit to anything...


remember this is just an opinion! lol

Take care

 

[DoeWDW]

Such a difficult situation. My first instinct is always to reach out to anyone in need. However, I also have a family to take care of and other obligations in my life and if I felt that starting a face-to-face friendship would infringe on my ability to take care of my committments, then I would back off.

You'll have to do some soul-searching on this one. You've probably gotten a good idea of what she's dealing with in the emails you've exchanged. It's one thing if you can truly help her, but it's another thing if she will just spend the time with you hashing over all her problems and sucking all your emotional energy away from you.

Best wishes on making the best decision for you and your family.

 

[cheyita]

I recently got back in touch with an old high school friend also, and have been enjoying e-mailing. But it's become obvious that we are in very different places in our lives, and I'm hesitant to reconnect any more than we already have.

If you still feel a bond with this person and really feel a need to reconnect with them at this point in your life - go for it. If you are just trying to recreate an old feeling, maybe you should let it slip away.

 

[Rajah]

Yup.

It was just a brief thing, but back in High School there was a girl who was depressed a lot and rather unstable. But I was always nice to her and tried to help her. Honestly, I'd forgotten about that.

Then, a couple of years ago, I ran into her at the grocery store. She was sweet as can be, but still just as mentally unstable. We exchanged phone numbers and she called a few times, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it wouldn't be the best of ideas to get involved with her again. We never really had anything in common anyway nor were we best friends.

In your case, I'm not sure. It's a different situation since you were actually best friends and not just light friends or aquaintances.

I agree with cheyita -- if you feel a connection, try to keep in touch. If you're just doing it "for old times' sake", don't.

 

[Hillbeans]

Rajah - yes, that sounds so familar, like you're talking about my friend.

She's a sweetheart, wouldn't hurt a fly (except herself). She has a very long history of eating disorders, drinking, etc (she told me she's been clean for 5+ years for both). Her parents disowned her and she lives with a boyfriend. She's really trying to get it together though, and she told me she's working FT and back in school trying to get her Bachelors one class at a time. Something did happen recently with her BF though and she's sort of only telling me half truths, not that I ask for any details.

My only issues are that I have a 3 yo DS to think about and second, I tend to be the type of person to lend money, emotional support, etc., to people in need. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I just don't want to get overinvolved in her life because I really have my hands full as it is with my job, family, etc.

 

[manchurianbrownbear]

The few times that I've heard from old high school or college friends that I hadn't seen in several years, they were usually selling Amway!

 

[CRB#33]

Maybe there is a reason you are in her life.

 

[eeyoreforever]

I was faced with this same dilemma (sp) very recently. There was a girl that I grew up with from K-12. We were very good friends all the way through. She dropped out of 12th grade to get married and her life spiraled downhill from there. I had contact with her a couple of times over the years and it was worse everytime I spoke to her. It has now been about 15 years since we spoke. About a month ago, one of the ladies who is organizing our class reunion called me to tell me that this person is looking for me, but she didn't want to give out my number or e-mail without checking with me first. I'm really glad she did that. I thought about it a great deal and if I knew my friend had her head on straight I would love to see her. But, I'm scared she is probably still all screwed up and I decided that I just can't have that in my life right now. The last couple of times I had spoke to her over the years, I wondered what I was getting myself into and just don't want to go back there.

Good luck with your decision. I know it is a hard one to make, but every situation is a little bit different and you have to do what is best for you and your family.

 

[FranP]

Did you ever think that since she has had some problems with alcohol, etc., she might need to face you to apologize for any wrongs she feels she did to you? I don't know all your circumstances, but you m ight want to consider this - and I am absolutely not trying to suggest you should feel responsible or guilty or anything - just another thought.

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by FranP
Did you ever think that since she has had some problems with alcohol, etc., she might need to face you to apologize for any wrongs she feels she did to you? I don't know all your circumstances, but you m ight want to consider this - and I am absolutely not trying to suggest you should feel responsible or guilty or anything - just another thought.

Yes, in fact she's told me this many times. When we first got back in touch, through Classmates, she said that she wanted to apologize for what happened years ago and that she never meant to do this to me or our friendship. She was a latchkey kid who's parents worked about 100 hours a week in their own business and unfortunately she got friendly with a guy a few years older who pressured her into lots of things a 15 y.o. girl shouldn't do. Long story short, she ended up in a hospital for her eating issues for years.

I do think she's really trying to get her life back together and she seems to be doing quite well in her job and has moved up the ranks. I hadn't even thought about not seeing her until she ditched our last meeting and left the date "open" until the dust settles. That just got me thinking that maybe i'm not ready for this after i've closed old wounds, and maybe she's afraid if she's going through a crisis, she doesn't want to expose that to me for the umpeenth time.

 

[FranP]

So maybe she needs to talk to you because you were something solid in her life back then - I can understand however your reluctance to let her back in - you have your responsibilities and sometimes you just can't go back.

Maybe wait to see if and when she tries to set up another meeting - if she does, make it in a public place (does she know anything else about you but your email like home phone or address??), keep personal information to a minimum, bring someone with you, etc. Protect yourself should you choose to try to help her. And if you choose not to, try not to feel bad - you have to do what you have to do.

 

[Poohbear123]

About 3 years ago, thru Classmates.com a person whom I graduated with contacted me. We emailed a few times, and I wrote a letter to her, and never heard from her again. Which is just as well, as after I wrote her, I remembered WHY I stopped being her friend on High School--she was a BIG trouble maker, and to me, sounded like she hadn't changed a bit!

 

[Ranatra]

Originally posted by Hillbeans
My DH says he really doesn't want me to start up a friendship with this person because of her instability. She has a lot of family/work/personal issues and he doesn't want me getting involved.

I think it ultimately needs to be YOUR decision.

 

[Princess_Aurora]

Originally posted by Hillbeans
I tend to be the type of person to lend money, emotional support, etc., to people in need. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I just don't want to get overinvolved in her life because I really have my hands full as it is with my job, family, etc.

This is the number one reason to just leave it at email. I have a friend from high school. I tend to be one of those nice, supporting-type persons that tries to help friends out whenever I can. I think my friend totally took advantage. She calls me up one day telling me how she's being evicted, she has lost her job, her car got repossessed...yada yada yada. She promised me if I would let her stay with me for a couple of months she would give me whatever extra money she had in exchange. Well, not only did I never see a dime when she moved out she was totally not appreciative. I was willing to just blow it off since she had been through so much. After she moved out I started getting a lot of calls from hospital collections departments because she made several trips to different hospitals for her depression and such and gave them my number.

Then later on down the road I made the mistake of lending her some money because I was joining a gym and she wanted to join too. They were having a special offer but she didn't get her income tax money for a couple of more weeks. She promised me she would give me the money ASAP and that she would work out with me every day. Well, not only did she only work out with me about two times, she disappeared a couple of days before the 15th (when she was suppose to be getting her money) and I didn't hear from her for about two weeks. Once I finally did hear from her, it was the same story as before...being evicted, lost her job, etc. So there went my $200 and I'll probably never see it.

Unstable people don't really make good friends. It's not that they're bad people, they just don't think things out the way they should. They end up making huge mistakes and probably hurting you along the way. And people like us that tend to be supporters whenever possible should especially try to stay away from these type of people. You only end up getting hurt by them in the long run.

 

[Hillbeans]

Aurora - sounds like what you lived with an old friend is my nightmare scenario. You poor thing.

I appreciate everyone's good advice. I plan on not contacting her until she contacts me again and if we do meet, it'll definitely be in a public place.