Am I overreacting?

[Aidensmom]

My in-laws, in my opinion, spoil my son too much. Am I overreacting?

Let me start out by saying he is an only child and DH and I have no problems with providing him with everything he needs, and he probably gets a lot more of what he wants than some other children do. He is NOT the only child his age on my husband's side of the family.

At Easter, the Easter Bunny leaves a bigger basket at Grandma's than at his own home. At Christmas, Santa brings more presents there too. If he spends the night, he is treated literally like a baby, and everything, such as getting dressed or picking up toys, is done for him. He also always gets at least one new toy to bring home whenever he is there from his grandparents, aunts, or uncle. We have asked that the Bunny and Santa refrain from Grandma's home in the future, and have stated that he has all the toys he needs.

He stayed at Grandma's this weekend while DH & I went to Disney for the Food & Wine festival, and when I picked him up he asked for his new toy sword that his uncle had bought him. I told him he could leave it at Grandma's to play with there (he already has 3 swords at home. ). He started throwing a fit, and hit me. I put him in timeout. He started to cry so Grandma went in and picked him up and rocked him like a baby. Uncle said just let him take the toy. I stood my ground and said No, he has more toys than he knows what to do with now, he can leave it there. Everyone was acting like I was a crazy woman. I left with a very unhappy look on my face, and a child who was fine and dandy once he was in the car and away from everyone. The surprise I had waiting for him in the car, a stuffed Japanese Minnie Mouse that he wanted, didn't seem to have as much meaning though.

Am I so wrong in not wanting my child spoiled to death?

 

[Disney1fan2002]

No, not overreacting at all. I HATE when my relatives shower my kids with toys.

On one hand, grandparents are made to spoil their grandchildren. You are lucky to have them, but, when it crosses the line to where the child expects it all the time, even from you, and where the toys are overwhelming, something needs to be said. IMO.

 

[meandtheguys2]

No. At least I don't think so! We have started paring down the toys here. A kid only needs so many! LOL, we have many swords, too.

Sorry you have to deal with folks who don't repect the decisions you and your DH make for your son.

 

[lillygator]

no not at all. My mother does the same thing. DD had so many gifts to open at her birthday party it was embarrassing...I could tell the other guests were looking at each other.....and to top it off my mom taught her to call her "best grandma" which is fine if she came up with that on her own, but to put that in her head and imply that the other grandma is not is just wrong. The past couple years have been a struggle and DD is about to have her 3rd birthday - we have put on the invitations NO GIFTS PLEASE....let's see how it goes over.

I know grandparents want to spoil but all the wasted $$ could be used for college funds, bonds, etc....spending time with them is also much better then overshowering with gifts.

 

[MrsKreamer]

Wow, you MIL and others really crossed the line with that. My in-laws know better then to go against my wishes in front of Ds. A few months ago when Ds started to fuss when he didn't want a nap, MIL would jump up and go get him. I finally took her aside and explained our rolls. I am his mother, I know when he is tired and cranky and therefore needs a nap. You are his grandmother and want to hug him and squeeze him and spoil him and then hand me an overtired cranky little boy who now will definatly not sleep b/c he knows you are in the next room and will jump up to save him! She learned to leave him alone and trust my judgement.

 

[MsDisney23]

No your not over re-acting! First off how old is your ds? My dd is an only child and it can be hard! She is the only Grandchild on both sides! Ouch that makes it harder yet! You know now that my dd, is grown (21) it is so much easier! I can now look back and see things in a differnt way! Some of dd grandparents have passed now! She misses them as so do I.

My dd has said time and time again that she does not want to have any children, which is fine with me! I will not be able to have the experince of being a GrandParent, but then again she is young and may change her mind!

If I where you, I would sit down with each set of GP's and explain to them that you greatly appreciate all the wonderful things, but you need them to respect you and not go overboard! I would explain it all to them, even the discipline part! I know it is hard, but stand your ground! Also remember they just are being GP's!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well as a mom who has been there, done that....No it isn't "SPOILING" but it is annoying.
"Spoiling" is when a child does something wrong, disobedient, etc...and then is rewarded as opposed to not following thru with discipline.

 

[kasar]

Honestly, I wasn't with you until I got to the part about Grandma picking him up while you're disciplining him and Uncle undermining your authority.

To me, the gifts are no biggie - it makes the grandparents happy to give them and your lucky son gets to benefit from that. If it's too much, put some of it away or donate it to Goodwill. I would not make an issue out of it and risk losing the closeness that your son obviously shares with his extended family. Believe me, that closeness is so much more important than any plastic toy that will just get broken and forgotten. Even though you feel like he has too much, he's still a kid that likes new stuff. Learning to graciously accept gifts and kindnesses is an important life lesson. So is weeding through what he has and putting aside some things for those less fortunate. Maybe kind of sappy, but to me it's better than offending your child's grandparents when they're just trying to be generous (sounds like they're super generous if they watch DS for a weekend - you're lucky).

NOW, having said that, Grandma should not be interfering in your discipline and undermining your authority when you're trying to make a point. It's not fair if you're always the bad guy. Uncle needs to butt out as well. I don't think you're overreacting on this one. The toys? Possibly just a little but that's just my opinion.

 

[Steffi]

I don't think you're in the wrong! You just want your son to grow into a person who realizes that he can't have everything he wants and who appreciates the things he has. I'm sure it wasn't easy to stand your ground amid all the disapproval from the in-laws, but you did what was right for your son!

 

[luvmydogs]

My ds10 is the only grandchild on both sides, and many years ago had to have a talk with my MIL about going above and beyond with excess presents. I have no problem with Chris being 'spoiled' when he sees his g.parents--they live 700 miles away, and only see him a few times a year. But MIL (and my 39 yr. old BIL, and 45 yr. old SIL, who still live at home with my MIL) would send him box loads of presents on holidays and in between, and when he was visiting, would get *everything* he asked for (and no 3 yr. old child needs a several hundred dollar shopping spree!!). It got to a point that whenever MIL called, Chris would say, "What are you sending me?" and be disappointed and snarky if no gift was on it's way. We put a stop to it then, as we didn't want him to become a greedy, unappreciative little child who felt he was "entitled" to gifts from the family just because he merely exsisted (I am in no way saying that your ds sounds this way, it is just my experience with my own ds). So, I definitely am one to agree with your feelings.

I'd also not take very kindly to MIL 'consoling' your son after you put him in timeout. It usurps your parental authority at a time when you want him to learn that tantrums will get him nowhere--good parenting IMHO, and certainly much more difficult than just giving in to him.

I don't think you're overreacting at all.

 

[MamaLema]

As always, ITA with you

 

[Frantasmic]

I would say to use the situation to broaden the child's gift experience.

If you have others who provide toys all the time, then start giving more clothing, books, or other items that aren't toys. A toy suggests instant gratification whereas other gifts can start teaching the intrinsic value of a "gift."

 

[CEDmom]

Well as a mom who has been there, done that....No it isn't "SPOILING" but it is annoying.
"Spoiling" is when a child does something wrong, disobedient, etc...and then is rewarded as opposed to not following thru with discipline.

But, the little boy did do something wrong - he hit his mother. The grandmother definitely crossed the line when she went to comfort him while he was in a time-out. I think it's going to be hard to curb the family from indulging him but I think maybe you started a good thing by having him leave the gift there. Maybe you should start doing that all the time. I bet after a while they'll be wading through stuff and may cut back on their own. If not at least it'll give your DS things to play with while there.

 

[Aidensmom]

MsDisney23 - He is 4 years old.

Luvmydogs - Aiden is getting to that point too where he just "expects" things. I think that is why it bothers me so much.

I do realize I am lucky to have them close by and that they are willing to babysit, etc. I do not like, however, that when he is there he is treated as the complete center of the universe, and when he gets back to real life and doesn't like that he has to put on his own shoes and pick up his own toys, and mom has to clean the bathroom rather than playing with him, that I have to deal with the resulting behavior. He ALWAYS gets where he has the expectation that DH and I are going to treat him that same way as he is treated there, and gets very defiant and tantrum-ish when he gets back home from staying there.

I am glad to hear there are some other people who would feel the same way.

I guess I know I need to talk to them, but it is hard to do. Perhaps I can get DH to do it.

 

[nativetxn]

My son was the first and only grandchild for several years. His grandparents, aunts and uncles gave him lots and lots of gifts. He didn't seem to be spoiled by that.

When I disciplined him they backed me up, though. There would have been trouble if they hadn't.

Good luck with this. I hope you can get it straightened out.

Katholyn

 

[luvmydogs]

I guess I know I need to talk to them, but it is hard to do. Perhaps I can get DH to do it.

When it was time for The Talk, I let my dh handle it since it was his family. There were initial hurt feelings on their part, but it got soothed over fairly quickly.

Best of luck to you--instilling these kinds of values in your son is something you'll never regret.

 

[golfgal]

I guess if it were me I would have said nothing about the toy and gone home and did something about it there. I would have said something like, 'wow, grandma gave you a great new sword. Maybe we can take one of your old one and put it in the box that we take to the needy families at the food shelf". In my opinion, you caused DS's reaction, he is only 4, but making a big deal out of the toy. Say thank you and move on, then when you get home, you can do something about it there. Kids know that there are different rules at Grandma and Grandpas house then there are at home. They adjust.

 

[NCDisneyMom]

I have a similar situation with my in-laws. They really are nice people, but they spoil my son (age 5) with "things". Every time he sees them now, he expects something from them. I've told MIL to spoil him with love. Take him to the park, or out to lunch...those are the things he'll remember. Not the toy that broke within a few hours (which they usually do, since she buys them at the dollar store, which then leaves my son broken-hearted).

She also lets him get away with things at her house that she KNOWS we don't allow in this house. I know she knows this, because we have flat-out told her. The one example that comes to mind is jumping on the bed. She makes a game out of it. Then, when ds comes home, he starts jumping on the bed. When I tell him "no", I get "But, Grandma lets me!", and we have to go into the whole conversation about how things are different at home. If they lived hundreds of miles away, and only saw him a couple of times a year, I'd probably just let it go. But, they live only 1 hour away, and see him about 2 times a month.

 

[hugsquared]

Yep, I agree with you and thing you are a big woman for not immediately saying something to grandma when she started over riding your authority on the punishment thing. I would have promptly put him right back in the corner then asked to see grandma in the other room and told her this. "This is my son and he's acting out in a way I do not appreciate. Hitting is not allowed, I don't care what the situation is. When he's here with you, I know he gets away with things he wouldn't at home, and thats fine, you're his grandmother and a little spoiling is allowed. However, when I'm present, my rules are law and there is no room for discussion on this. I will not have a child who thinks it's okay to throw tantrums to get his way, and certainly not one who thinks hitting anyone, child or adult, is accepted behavior. We love you and love that you love DS the way you do. But please don't interfer with my parental judgement in front of DS anymore." Then give her a big hug. DUncle is a whole other issue. He needs to butt out and let you be mom and make decisions about whether a toy stays or goes. Not really his call. But thats just me. We've had to have some serious talks with my MIL/StepFIL over some issues. Mainly smoking in front of DD (she has asthma). When she's at their house, we only ask that if they smoke in their home, to send her to the bedroom or outside to play while the smoking is being done. Never asked them not to do it or to go outside of their home, just to send her away. It ruffled some feathers at first, but we stood firm and now its a non-issue. Good luck with this.

 

[cardaway]

I don't think you are overreacting at all.

We have a the same problem and I think it got as bad as it did because it went unchecked for so long. It's so bad now that I think she is a different girl with the Grandparents around compared to how she acts when they are not. I mean totally different person, and from this persepctive, not a good thing.

The only good part is that she snaps back when they are not around. I think everything stems from the grandparents spoiling her rotten and not requiring the same things from her as we do.

And the worst part is that the grandparents haven't seen the change so they don't think anything is wrong. Going to have to video tape her bahavior away from them so they can see just how good she can be.