Adult children moving back home with their child

[BamaGuy44]

IDK maybe mom doesn't become mommy again but looking at these below comments it def sounds like parents trying to parent again.

I'm helping him plan his finances because he asked me to, I've done it for several other family members and friends. If that's parenting then guilty as charged I guess. I never said we were trying to be totally impartial and treat them like tenants. As far as the expectation that they are aggressively saving, I'd have that expectation of anyone living in my house for the purpose of being able to save and get their finances on track. If they're living in my house, it is my business to some degree, parent or not. No amount of advice from an outside financial planner will make their bills and debts go away of suddenly raise their income. They are where they are, so we are helping them out.

Anyway I just wanted to give the OP what they asked for, my experience and how I'm handling it. Not looking to debate my choices.

 

[Moliphino]

I would feel the same way as you do. I have told both of my girls after they finish college if they want to move back home my door is always open. My house is paid off so they would not have any bills. They can save for a house or whatever their goals are. They are the little ve of my life.

My sister and I bought our own house two years ago after living with our parents for 10ish years after college/grad school. We still go over almost every night for dinner (we're only 5 miles away) and they like to guilt trip us if we miss a night on occasion.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm helping him plan his finances because he asked me to, I've done it for several other family members and friends. If that's parenting then guilty as charged I guess. I never said we were trying to be totally impartial and treat them like tenants. As far as the expectation that they are aggressively saving, I'd have that expectation of anyone living in my house for the purpose of being able to save and get their finances on track. If they're living in my house, it is my business to some degree, parent or not. No amount of advice from an outside financial planner will make their bills and debts go away of suddenly raise their income. They are where they are, so we are helping them out.

Anyway I just wanted to give the OP what they asked for, my experience and how I'm handling it. Not looking to debate my choices.

It's more like "there's people for that". Financial advice is different for everyone and takes into consideration times change. The financial advice our parents would have given us would have set us back a lot because they were not of the same "moving with the times" thing.

Parents are emotionally vested in their children, a financial advisor is not. As for the impartial no actually that's what I mean, you as a parent are unable to be impartial that's the point. Not sure how tenants came into play as that was not in my comments at all, wouldn't expect you to treat them like tenants but having a parent make a plan for their 26 year old to aggressively save treads back into that parent role which was what my comment was about. There's an enmeshment that occurs there.

As far as your business yes and no. You don't have to take on the role you're talking about to ensure they are doing what their goal is. Talk with them over time check back in heck even discuss with them how the meeting with the financial advisor went be engaged, etc it would become evident quick if they weren't actually doing anything with the money they are saving by not spending it in rent.

As far as debate what made me even comment was you saying "The best description I've heard on this when adult kids live with you is: "You want your house to be a safety net for them, not a hammock". It made me think ironically with the other comments a hammock was going to be used.

You didn't disclose your son asked for that which seems incredibly important given the context of your other comments about adult children suddenly feeling rich, hammock vs safety net, etc. The role of a financial advisor is to help out in many roles. If you think a professional can't help with bills and debt go away I suggest you find a different advisor, that's literally in their job description lol. No they can't make you not have to owe CC debt for example but they can help you figure out the best way for you to get out of it.

More or less I think sometimes parents feel like they have to take on these roles as a matter of obligation (no matter how willingly one is). Same as a parent taking on the role of a babysitter as part of an obligation. Obviously you do you

 

[BamaGuy44]

It's more like "there's people for that". Financial advice is different for everyone and takes into consideration times change. The financial advice our parents would have given us would have set us back a lot because they were not of the same "moving with the times" thing.

Parents are emotionally vested in their children, a financial advisor is not. As for the impartial no actually that's what I mean, you as a parent are unable to be impartial that's the point. Not sure how tenants came into play as that was not in my comments at all, wouldn't expect you to treat them like tenants but having a parent make a plan for their 26 year old to aggressively save treads back into that parent role which was what my comment was about. There's an enmeshment that occurs there.

As far as your business yes and no. You don't have to take on the role you're talking about to ensure they are doing what their goal is. Talk with them over time check back in heck even discuss with them how the meeting with the financial advisor went be engaged, etc it would become evident quick if they weren't actually doing anything with the money they are saving by not spending it in rent.

As far as debate what made me even comment was you saying "The best description I've heard on this when adult kids live with you is: "You want your house to be a safety net for them, not a hammock". It made me think ironically with the other comments a hammock was going to be used.

You didn't disclose your son asked for that which seems incredibly important given the context of your other comments about adult children suddenly feeling rich, hammock vs safety net, etc. The role of a financial advisor is to help out in many roles. If you think a professional can't help with bills and debt go away I suggest you find a different advisor, that's literally in their job description lol. No they can't make you not have to owe CC debt for example but they can help you figure out the best way for you to get out of it.

More or less I think sometimes parents feel like they have to take on these roles as a matter of obligation (no matter how willingly one is). Same as a parent taking on the role of a babysitter as part of an obligation. Obviously you do you

Like I said, not looking to debate. I'll just say one of us knows all the details of my family and the situation, and one of us knows basically nothing. My son's financial situation is not complicated, I'm more than capable of guiding him. I don't need any advice I'm well versed in these things, you'll just have to trust me on that, and that I'm far from providing a hammock, again given that you know none of the details.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Like I said, not looking to debate. I'll just say one of us knows all the details of my family and the situation, and one of us knows basically nothing. My son's financial situation is not complicated, I'm more than capable of guiding him. I don't need any advice I'm well versed in these things, you'll just have to trust me on that, and that I'm far from providing a hammock, again given that you know none of the details.

You posted what you were going to do, it's not an echo chamber here, it's an internet forum. If you want to keep your personal details personal because others can't possibly know then don't post it. Answering the OP didn't mean your personal details had to be included. It is what it is, enjoy your day

 

[ronandannette]

Like I said, not looking to debate. I'll just say one of us knows all the details of my family and the situation, and one of us knows basically nothing. My son's financial situation is not complicated, I'm more than capable of guiding him. I don't need any advice I'm well versed in these things, you'll just have to trust me on that, and that I'm far from providing a hammock, again given that you know none of the details.

Unless you have all day, I'd end the exchange here.

As the parent of adult off-spring, when we're asked, we help out in any way if we can. But when our personal boundaries involve accountability on their part for something (which we feel is very fair), we do expect to be kept in the loop, and sometimes are part of the process. We don't go looking for ways to intrude into their independence and they are fully aware there may be other options that come with fewer or no conditions and they're welcome to make their own way. We love and are proud of them, no matter what and don't need to be privy to any decisions that don't involve us.

Our 25 y.o. DS resides with us due to temporary medical limitations. It's difficult to keep boundaries healthy when he's not realistically able to be independent. There are no children involved, thank God; we would have no choice but to be responsible for their care and well-being.

 

[BamaGuy44]

You posted what you were going to do, it's not an echo chamber here, it's an internet forum. If you want to keep your personal details personal because others can't possibly know then don't post it. Answering the OP didn't mean your personal details had to be included. It is what it is, enjoy your day

I posted what I'm doing in the most basic terms, as part of a general conversation with a stranger. I don't really think anyone would have enough info to critique my parenting choices on the matter, but I should know that never stopped anyone before

 

[barkley]

don't need to be privy to any decisions that don't involve us.

i think that's a key factor in discussion-determining what involves the parent/homeowners. one of the issues i saw when my older sibs moved back home that caused problems was when they made decisions that they truly didn't believe involved my parent(s) when in fact they did. a couple of examples i clearly remember are-

getting a dog. yup, they took care of it, provided food...but when they were at work who was left dealing with the dog-my parents who were NOT appreciative of the added responsibility,

doing a dramatic shift change at work (not involuntary/no financial incentive to do so)-sib didn't take into account that them working graves meant they were getting up/making noise getting ready after we went to bed. hearing them klunk around or having to listen to the washer going late at night because they figured they would grab the load in the morning to run it in the dryer when they got home (NOT b/c mom ran her laundry in the morning so it put more work on her) threw the household into a stressful situation. having to tiptoe around during the day b/c the sib had to sleep threw off the daily household schedule mom had in place for years. cars had to be arranged in the driveway differently to accommodate new arrival and departure times. meals had to be planned that could be packed or reheated....my sibling thought 'no big deal' when it was a huge imposition on my parents.
a discussion on what everyone's expectations are BEFORE moving in is key.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

My 32 yr old Daughter and 7 yr old GS live with us. Yes, we are the grandparents but we are also parent #2 and #3. We are basically helping raise a young child again, period. My daughter works FT supports herself, supports almost everything concerning her child. She pays off her student loans, saves money and is able to do extra things like days trips and long weekends. What she can not do is : do all that and pay rent in any kind of housing. She gets zero $ support from loser sperm donor and we would never want them to live in a crime infested neighborhood or subpar apt.

 

[cvjw]

My younger son just graduated UGA and got his first job with the company he really wanted to work for. He moved back in with us and we are happy as can be. It is a 30 mile commute 4 days a week. We want him to live with us and save money. Right now, with the US about to go into a recession, is not the time to lock into a year long lease of $1500 or more a month in rent. Who knows if this new job is a stable or long term one. He pays no bills. We buy everything for him except his gas. Hoping he can save up the down payment for a house.

My husband also manages his money. He had a financial advisor, but we let him go - got tired of paying the fees. Financial advisors are not all knowing. We put the same amount of money in a Schwab account managed by our advisor and a Schwab account managed by my husband. There is now a $500,000 difference in the accounts, and it isn’t in the direction of the advisor.

 

[TwoMisfits]

My younger son just graduated UGA and got his first job with the company he really wanted to work for. He moved back in with us and we are happy as can be. It is a 30 mile commute 4 days a week. We want him to live with us and save money. Right now, with the US about to go into a recession, is not the time to lock into a year long lease of $1500 or more a month in rent. Who knows if this new job is a stable or long term one. He pays no bills. We buy everything for him except his gas. Hoping he can save up the down payment for a house.

My husband also manages his money. He had a financial advisor, but we let him go - got tired of paying the fees. Financial advisors are not all knowing. We put the same amount of money in a Schwab account managed by our advisor and a Schwab account managed by my husband. There is now a $500,000 difference in the accounts, and it isn’t in the direction of the advisor.

Just to make sure my kids save money (if they happen to come home after college), I plan to follow my mom's plan with my siblings (I moved out and never lived at home, but I was the only one). She always charged a nominal rent every month and threw the money in a safe place (bonds, money market, etc). When my siblings were ready to move out, she gifted the money back as a housewarming gift and/or as extra money for the housing down payment (so 5% became 10% or even 20% and then no PMI).

 

[sheilafri]

Our DSs both spent some time back home after college. They could either find a job or work for us. We didn’t charge rent so they were able to build up savings toward their first apartment deposits, etc. They lived in the basement where they had their bedroom, a bathroom and a living area. We shared upstairs laundry and kitchen. We loved having them back home but were very happy and supportive when they felt they needed to move on. After all, the goal is to raise confident, self-sufficient adults.

 

[Southernmiss]

We have a 23 year old college graduate (no loans/debt) living at home who works 7 on 7 off 12 hour shifts in our local ER.

Waiting to see if they're accepted into medical school. They pay their gas, meals out, personal expenses. We cover the rest as we want them to save as much as possible.

Med school or whatever education is next won't be cheap.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Financial advisors are not all knowing.

No they aren't but there are also many different ones, not every one is suited for every person. Our financial advisor was recommended by my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law. Their needs had changed as step-father-in-law's business expanded and they needed a different financial advisor with a portfolio more targeted towards multiple locations of a business and a more complicated line of succession for the business than originally intended plus other things not related to business (like purchasing a 5th wheel a boat, etc and where that fit in with their retirement plans and who would those go to in the event of their deaths and all sorts of things). As people's situation changes you may find you shop around to one that is more suited for you. We may find ourselves over time needing to switch to a different one. And that's okay

 

[DCLMP]

Adult children living with their parents garners a lot of negativity in this country, but in many cultures, it's the norm. I see nothing wrong with it. Maybe we need more of it in this country so everyone's not in debt up to their eyeballs.

 

[mousefan73]

I think it's best to be honest and find the fine line between helping out because one can and there is NEED vs free loading and being taking advantage of.

 

[barkley]

Adult children living with their parents garners a lot of negativity in this country, but in many cultures, it's the norm. I see nothing wrong with it. Maybe we need more of it in this country so everyone's not in debt up to their eyeballs.

i agree but with the caveats that

(1) the adult children are not in the dark about what the true cost of living independently is, and

(2) the parents are not financially supporting this at the cost of shortchanging their own retirement savings.

i worked with a number of people whose cultural practices were to have their adult children live with them until marriage. many were successful relationships but there were also a number who never thought to let their children know exactly how much of the financial burden of housing/utilities/insurance/food....the parents were covering such that it was a horrific shock when these young adults went out on their own they and had no clue as to the true cost. in some cases they had developed spending habits/financial obligations in the years of living with their parents that were absolutely disastrous for maintaining their own households. i will also add that the flip side ('retirement plan') of this practice for many cultures is the expectation/practice that at a certain age the parents will permanently move in with their adult children who then take on the bulk of the expenses. again, this can work out well if everyone is on board with it/can afford it but unless it's spoken to/known of/fully agreed to well in advance (for both one's own adult child as well as their future partner/spouse) it can be a horrific situation financially and emotionally. i don't think anyone wants to be in the situation where they can't afford to support themselves during their later years so while it's admirable to help one's adult children it should always be balanced with appropriate financial planning for ones own future.

 

[Moliphino]

Adult children living with their parents garners a lot of negativity in this country, but in many cultures, it's the norm. I see nothing wrong with it. Maybe we need more of it in this country so everyone's not in debt up to their eyeballs.

I think it only becomes a problem when someone is being taken advantage of (like if the adult child is completely financially dependent on the parents with no intention of working or contributing in any way). That's the stereotype a lot of people think of when they hear of adult children living with their parents, but I don't think that's what the situation is in reality in most cases.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

To be honest, I have not yet encountered such a situation. Perhaps a parent should help their child find a new place to live?

Welcome to the Dis!

 

[Kae]

My DS 25 lives with us-there is nothing to buy right now. He cooks twice a week, does the lawn, His room is a mess lol, Keeps his bathroom clean, When I sort laundry he can put his stuff with ours we have high capacity washer. He has paid off one of his student loans.