A wife of a train conductor vent

[ntburns22]

I 'll start off by saying DH has a great job, but at times I don't know if I can handle 20+ more years of this. So DH is a train conductor and he works the extra boards. He does not have a set train, he works when someone is a on a rest day or marked off for whatever reason. He also works the yard a lot too so he can be home with the kids more. We have an agreement that he won't leave on back to back 2 day trips. It is tough on the kids and tough on me. So he took one of these trips on saturday night and came home monday afternoon. He comes comes crabby and tired. He had 14 hours to himself in a hotel room before he had to bring a train back. I would do anything for that time. Well last night after we went to bed he gets up an hour later to check the computer. He will sit forever checking train lineups and seeing what postions he can take and also look to see what others are working. He could sit and do this for hours. So he comes up around 2am and wakes me up asking if he can go back out. I told him I didn't care but I wish you would have spent more time with the kids before going back out again. He was glued to the XBOX and was short with them. I honestly don't remember much I was still out if it. So I wake up alone in bed this morning so I figured he was gone on a run. Well it turns out he was asleep on the couch he fell asleep watching a movie. Once again he wakes up crabby telling me I am going to be like this the rest of the week because I didn't go on the run. Now he admits I never told him not to go but he didn't want to hear me whine and complain if he did. I'll admit I may call him once the kids are in bed and cry because of how stressed and lonley I am but after a couple minutes I am fine. We moved a year ago to be closer to the yard which is in the boonies so there isn't anywhere really to take the kids to pass the time and we don't really have any friends or family close either. With the kids 6 and almost 3 not really seeing daddy for 4 days without notice is tough on them.

 

[ilovepcot]

Lived through that once with my 1st. DH. Horrible! We had to always let the crew clerk know where he was (no cell phones in those days) and he was always calling to see how many "times out" he was. Finally, after he got some seniority, he bit on another job altogether where he could work a regular 8 hour shift and be home every night. Wonderful! He did, however, have to get into an entirely different area with the RR in order to do this. Not always a good option for everyone. But, I certainly do feel for you.

 

[SC Minnie]

Is he with a smaller rr or one of the class 1's?

 

[ntburns22]

He works for CSX

At times I wished they offered spouse meetings like the Military did when he was in the Marines. They were so helpful to me.

 

[ducklite]

I'll be honest, it sounds like more is wrong with your marriage than his job. I hope things improve for you.

Anne

 

[Tigger_Magic]

I'd recommend getting some professional marital counseling.

 

[ntburns22]

I didn't realize my marriage was such a mess.

I know there are other train family's here. Someone has to understand what it is really like. To never be able to make family plans ahead of time, being out to dinner and having to box everything up and take it home becuase he jumped 7 spots in less then and hour and got called in.

 

[Microcell]

My Dh has been gone the past two weeks with his job, but I have to say, he is thrilled to see his kids because he got so lonely without us all week. Sounds to me like there is some disconnect with your Dh and your family.

You can feel free to vent to me, it does stink being the only one taking care of kids all the time! I have been known to change all the clocks back a little and what do you know- when other people cal it 830 our clock says 9!

Maybe your Dh needs some help.

I do have a friend who's Dh works the railroad too, and they only have 12 hours notice. It bugs her too all the adjusting they have to do. Her Dh never seems crabby though, in front of me.

 

[minkydog]

It sounds kinda like being married to a doctor. No wonder you're so stressed out. He sounds like he's pretty stressed out too(playing the XBOX, staying up late--he's trying to wind down.) Is he worried about money, is that why he's jumping at the chance to go out? Or does he fear the loss of his job, maybe? Does he have any control over his schedule or does he just have to go where they tell him, when they tell him? I didn't get the sense that he doesn't want to be home, but he does sound distracted & worried. It is hard for a man to settle down and get reconnected with his family if he only has a day or two turn around.

I don't have any advice and I've never walked in your shoes, but

 

[Crankyshank]

Honestly I really think you need to sit down and talk about what your expectations are with your marriage and time spent together when he's not working.
Believe me I understand about the difficulty in making plans and having to leave places because DH gets called into work. The calling DH at work and crying, even if just for a minute, is probably driving him away and really needs to stop because it's not an effective way to express your frustration.

 

[ilovepcot]

I didn't realize my marriage was such a mess.

I know there are other train family's here. Someone has to understand what it is really like. To never be able to make family plans ahead of time, being out to dinner and having to box everything up and take it home becuase he jumped 7 spots in less then and hour and got called in.

Did my post not convey that someone here does understand?????????

 

[ntburns22]

Did my post not convey that someone here does understand?????????

Sorry, I did not mean anything against you. I am thankful for your words. I am sorry if I upset you in anyway.

I remember from a past thread about what you do for a living that there was other current trains families on the Dis.

I do know that crying isn't the best thing to do. It is just really hard for me.

Yes money was tight in the begininng of the year when no one had vacation days picked yet but it is picking up now and of course we could always use more for the house but we are doing OK now.

 

[ZachnElli]

My brother is a train engineer and I'm sure my dear sil has the same complaints. We never know when he'll be there for family events. Thankfully, he made the last 2 in a row! He's been there for along time now and is way up the ladder and that does help alot. He can lay off when he needs too, but he doesn't get paid when he does that and they need the paycheck. I guess no advice, but I do know it's hard. I've volunteered to babysit for my sil anytime she needs it, that's about all I can do.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Hey!! Another train widow here...lol. I know how very hard working the extra board is. Thankfully my hubby has been on a yard job for the past four months but that could all change when and if the "older" guys want his position.

Hugs to you.

 

[jenks0718]

I would never pass judgement on your marriage without knowing every single detail of the circumstances. I am so surprised when some on this board do it so quickly. They must have perfect marital bliss.

With that said, best of luck to you. We all have challenges in our lives. Marriages has its ups and downs. It sounds like you may be having a down spell right now. Be there for each other and listen to each other. I am still working on it too.

 

[imamicki2]

It is funny to hear the same railroad jargon.... marked off, bumped up, etc. Yes, my DH works for CSX too and is an engineer. I HATED it in the beginning when he didn't have seniority and would get bumped from a job every day! He used to work the pull turn and make long runs that would keep him in the hotel for a day or two. He is usually on the extra board. You never know when they are going to get called into work and can't plan ANYTHING. He only gets two hours to get to work after he is called. And they can get called back in after just 6 hours of rest. He is on a completely different schedule than all of us at home half the time. He has been there for 10 years now. Also, I hate the fact that his check is never the same each payday. That is my biggest gripe. We have been married 15 years. It is a good job, especially since DH didn't go to college or anything and is making decent money. BUT like you say, it has its downs too. Gets frustrating at times. If you need to talk , you can pm me. And as for xbox, try socom.....that is the worst addicting game for DH. I swear he could play it all day long!

 

[we3disneygo]

my dh is a retail mgr. different line of work but still the same..........long hours 7 am-6 pm, 5:30 am-4:30 pm, noon to midnight, it's hard when the weather gets nice and you see all the other family's and it's just me and dd.................... he works lots of weekends...........

 

[luv2nascar]

my FIL was a conductor for years and years. Family suffered alot for it. My DH and his brothers were all affected by it. The absent dad thing. I would recommend he gets out and gets a better job. The men get confused by the money thing and think that makes all the days and hours away okay. It does not and the children willl be scarred for life. I am surprised my inlaws are still married it got that bad. good luck

 

[Caradana]

I'm sure your husband and family can both be really successful if he sticks with this job and eventually builds seniority ... that being said, I give you a lot of credit, I couldn't do it. My fiance is a sportswriter. He works a lot of nights and weekends, but he has a steady two days off per week, even paycheck and lots of vacation. I don't think I could handle the collective insecurities of uncertain timing and uneven paychecks.
Wishing you the best of luck in getting through this!

 

[ntburns22]

It's good to hear that things will get better with the RR in time. It is just so tough at times like this. I know he is working hard and needs his down time but running everything here at home is hard too. I am looking forward to the day that he has a set yard job.

I am glad to hear from other train widows.LOL We need to stick together.