A Sad Question

[LaurenLC]

My father passed away May 7 of this year. I grew up in Texas, which is where my immediate family lives now, and I live in Chicago. My father had been very ill for the past 6 months. I could not get on the plane to go to his funeral... I just couldn't. I had spent 5 days with him the week before his passing, and I felt that I had already said my good-bye. I think funerals are for the living..... I loved (and still love) my dad and I know that he loved (and still loves me).... My brother is still very upset with me, and he's entitled to feel that way... I am sure with time he'll understand, or at least get past the situation…. No one should judge...... Everyone has to handle death in their own way.

 

[minkydog]

No, its not me - my mother is not dead yet..... she has breast cancer which has matasticised (sp??) to the bone, but we are still waiting for the results. Its her - My mothers mother just died, and she refused to go to the funeral making the excuse that she had tests to do (for her cancer). It was true, she did have tests scheduled for that day, but she could have rescheduled it.

She hadn't seen or spoken to her in 30+ years. No one really knows why. We know she was a nasty drunk, but in all truth, my mother never really spent much of her life with her. She was raised as a child by her grandparents, and was out of the house by 16.

I can understand where your mother is coming from. My father was a terrible parent, violent and punitive. He pretty much destroyed his relationships with all of his 5 children. When he was dying I agreed to stay with him. At that time, we had been estranged for 30 years--his choice. We had 21 days together, during which one other sister did come at the end. My brother, whom Dad lived with, refused to come to the hospital. My youngest sister simply made herself unavailable. She had forewarned us that she had no interest in attending the funeral and wanted none of his things.

None of us has regrets for our various decisions. Each of us chose a slightly different path to our grief, but nobody has ever expressed that they wish they had done things differently. Maybe that's a result of the way we were treated as kids--Dad was very mean and abusive to us. It came back to bite him at the end. He never questioned why my siblings didn't come to the hospital; He knew why. And he was sad about it. But you can't erase 30 years of neglect with a 1 hour funeral, ya know? No regrets.

 

[pppiglet]

My sister hadn't spoken to my mom for a few years as my mom was an alcoholic, so when she was ill and passed away, my sister wouldn't even go see her. We didn't have a service, but a few months later her husband put her ashes to sea. My sister wouldn't go to that either. My brother didn't come to see her either, but he lives in Arkansas and couldn't afford to fly out.

 

[BMNABrinx]

My mother-in-law passed away Oct. 8 (I think). We didn't attend any part, the viewing, service, burial, nothing. She was not a nice person and unfortunately neither is my father-in-law or my sister-in-law. DH and I will celebrate our 20th anniversay this year and of those 20 years we were not on speaking terms with them for the majority of that time. He doesn't regret anything because we tried. We found out through the newspaper that his mom died. His dad sent a message that "she didn't want the boys there". He told the people at the funeral home that he didn't want a marker on the grave because he thought the boys might try to find her grave and visit it. Well, DH did go to the funeral home before anyone arrived the day of the funeral. He said he felt nothing. My girls and I got stopped by the funeral procession and it was sad, very sad. Besides the hearse and family car there were two other vehicles. That was all that was at the funeral! We did go to the cemetary the next day, so that my girls could say their goodbyes if they wanted. There were 7 flower arrangements. It was sad but her choice as we offered to go to family counseling and she told us that she didn't need counseling. She was just a hateful and bitter person. We have no regrets and neither do DH's brother, sil and nephew.

 

[Liann]

No, its not me - my mother is not dead yet..... she has breast cancer which has matasticised (sp??) to the bone, but we are still waiting for the results. Its her - My mothers mother just died, and she refused to go to the funeral making the excuse that she had tests to do (for her cancer). It was true, she did have tests scheduled for that day, but she could have rescheduled it.

She hadn't seen or spoken to her in 30+ years. No one really knows why. We know she was a nasty drunk, but in all truth, my mother never really spent much of her life with her. She was raised as a child by her grandparents, and was out of the house by 16. Nana (my mothers mother) had been asking for her for a while, and she refused to go - saying that the people who said she was asking for her were lying.
Because of my mother, the first (and last) time I ever laid my eyes on Nana was her lying in her coffin.
I'm just so sad that she didn't go - I mean, its so final - you can't get that back, KWIM? Then she was asking me all these questions about the funeral - "Did anyone ask about me?" "Did anyone ask how I was doing?" Yada yada yada - Finally I just said to her "Mom, you made your choice, you didn't go." All she said back to me was "Wow." Like a, "How dare you question me" kinda thing. She said that she couldn't go because of the tests - that the Dr. wanted the results last week - well if they were so urgent, why didn't she HAVE the tests done last week??
Oh well, whats done is done I guess. She is going to have to live with it. I know shes going through a lot with her cancer and such, but so are we. Its like.... she wants whole world to revolve aroud her. Even my BIL said something like "Your Moms getting mad because her mother is taking her thunder." because thats the way shes acting.
Anyway, sorry for the vent, I'm just so upset about all this. First my mother gets diagnosed with breast cancer, then she gets a double mastectomy, we think were in the clear - then we get hit with the bone cancer, then they find a lump in MY breast (turned out to be nothing), then Nana dies... Its like WHATS NEXT?!?!?!?!?

I'm done now - thanks for listening.

I haven't read the whole thread but I've gone through something similar.

TELL HER. Tell her everything other ppl have said and everything you feel or have felt. If it's not too late, this is your only chance.

Your only mission is to find a way to say all of this and not be argumentative and then to work it out. I had to become my Mom's parent and almost scold her. We are SO much closer now.

If nothing is ever said, you will be left to live your life here on Earth with regrets.

This is my opinion ONLY. Good Luck.

 

[shellybaxter]

I know I won't be going to my mom's funeral - for the simple fact that she is adament that she does not want a funeral - not even a memorial service. While I think funerals are for the living, my mom is so set against having a funeral that my sister and I have decided we will honor her wishes.

 

[Uuaww]

I read this topic and it reminded me of my Grandmother on my Dad's side. This story is kinda related but not really and should bring a bit of happiness into the topic.

My Dad was born in Hungary and left home at 18 (various reasons but communism and the army had a lot to do with it). He eventually settled in the U.S. and didn't return home for about 15 years. He would go to Hungary sporatically for the next few years to see his Mom (Dad died before he left). Eventually, it became known that she wanted to meet her grandchildren before she died. So one summer we went to Europe to site-see and visit family. On my visit, my Grandmother gave me a harmonica (family was very poor in Hungary), and even though I couldn't understand her (language barrier), she was very happy. She died 2 months later and my Dad did return back again to attend the funeral.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, its not me - my mother is not dead yet..... she has breast cancer which has matasticised (sp??) to the bone, but we are still waiting for the results. Its her - My mothers mother just died, and she refused to go to the funeral making the excuse that she had tests to do (for her cancer). It was true, she did have tests scheduled for that day, but she could have rescheduled it.

She hadn't seen or spoken to her in 30+ years. No one really knows why. We know she was a nasty drunk, but in all truth, my mother never really spent much of her life with her. She was raised as a child by her grandparents, and was out of the house by 16. Nana (my mothers mother) had been asking for her for a while, and she refused to go - saying that the people who said she was asking for her were lying.
Because of my mother, the first (and last) time I ever laid my eyes on Nana was her lying in her coffin.
I'm just so sad that she didn't go - I mean, its so final - you can't get that back, KWIM? Then she was asking me all these questions about the funeral - "Did anyone ask about me?" "Did anyone ask how I was doing?" Yada yada yada - Finally I just said to her "Mom, you made your choice, you didn't go." All she said back to me was "Wow." Like a, "How dare you question me" kinda thing. She said that she couldn't go because of the tests - that the Dr. wanted the results last week - well if they were so urgent, why didn't she HAVE the tests done last week??
Oh well, whats done is done I guess. She is going to have to live with it. I know shes going through a lot with her cancer and such, but so are we. Its like.... she wants whole world to revolve aroud her. Even my BIL said something like "Your Moms getting mad because her mother is taking her thunder." because thats the way shes acting.
Anyway, sorry for the vent, I'm just so upset about all this. First my mother gets diagnosed with breast cancer, then she gets a double mastectomy, we think were in the clear - then we get hit with the bone cancer, then they find a lump in MY breast (turned out to be nothing), then Nana dies... Its like WHATS NEXT?!?!?!?!?

I'm done now - thanks for listening.

If she hasn't spoken to her in 30+yrs, then I don't understand why you are analyzing her?

She has her reasons and that would be good enough for me.

I find it easier to respect people's craziness. I don't analyze it anymore. Simplifying life is a better way to live.

Yes, she has to live with her decision. That is on her and something you shouldn't worry about. Let it go......

 

[kelleigh1]

My father did not attend his mother's funeral. My mother didn't attend the funerals of either of her parents.

My parents both came from abusive homes. Emotionally and physically abusive. In my father's case, his mother was much more emotionally abusive of him than physical, but she was just not a nice woman. However, I think he would have attended the funeral if his half-brother hadn't threatened to take out a restraining order to prevent him from going. Now normally, my father is not one to shy away from something, but out of respect for certain other members of the family, he decided that his was a battle not worth fighting.

My mother ended any pretense of a relationship with her parents long before they each passed away. Her father died 20 years ago now and her mother just passed away within the last 5 years. My mother was abused by her father for years and her mother refused to acknowledge the abuse and when my mother turned to her for support, she accused her of lying. As it was, my mother's mother really didn't want her and she refused to look at her for several days after she was born because she wanted a boy. She had to be tricked into even looking at her own daughter and my mother grew up knowing that her own mother never wanted her.

I've never felt that my parents were wrong in not attending. I know that my father was hurt for a while after his mother passed, but he doesn't show emotion much - but we could tell. I think my mother felt relief more than anything when her father died because she knew then that he really could never hurt her again.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Hi SharpMom.

I think part of what is happening here is that you are trying to sort out a pretty complex family dynamic. You don't like what is happening/has happened in your family, yet don't know how to "fix it."

Most likely, you can't. You can go on to define what family is for you, and model for your immediate family (your two, eh) what you find valuable in relationships between children and parents, but you really can't change what has gone on before, nor can you change any other person.

Your mother may have been hurt by her mother, or she may not have. She may have expected a different type of parenting than she received, and when her dreams weren't fulfilled she may have dealt with that in the only way she new, which was to cut them off (and create reasons why she did so).

No matter at this point. You can move forward, doing just what you are doing. When your mother seems to want information regarding those she's shut out of her life, you can simply do what you've done and gently, but directly remind her she made her choice. Period.

It's a very hard place in which to be, but do try to remove yourself completely from the drama between your mother (sounds like your father and his family too) and her family. It will do nothing but upset you and affect the way you interact with your own family and that is not something you'll want to have happen.

All the best to you. If you weren't a caring compassionate person, this wouldn't be upsetting you so much.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm sorry you are hurting OP.

However, I'm not exactly why you feel so upset about this. You mother is a grown woman and made her choice. That was HER decision. She hadn't spoken to her mother in 30 years for reasons you aren't aware of. You don't know what happened and either does your sister. There could be VERY valid reasons.

As a child of an alcoholic I would think childhood damage because of that to be a valid reason. My dad has been sober for nearly 15 years and we do have a relationship but had he not stopped drinking that would definitely be a different story.

You went to your grandmothers funeral. That is all you can do. I'm sorry that you felt that you didn't get a relationship with your grandmother but like other's said, as an adult you could have.

Funerals are for the living and it seems clear that your mom didn't have much of a relationship with her immediate family so really why would she go? I'd seriously cut her some slack on this. She is obviously dealing with her own problems right now.

 

[quentina]

I had a pathetic excuse of a biological father...someone who never should of had childen. I have a fabulous step dad who raised me.

When Eddie (bio-dad) died, I had no intention of going. My step dad forced me too, said it was something you can never return to. I did go and too be honest, felt nothing for him or the situation.

So...yes...I would of easily missed the funeral and not have regretted it.

Sometimes, blood ties are not enough to bind a family. To not talk for 30 years means there is obviously a big reason behind it.

My step dad taught me that you do not need to be blood to love unconditionally....I took this and went to adopt 2 children after having one biological. My step dad was right!

 

[Justanopinion]

Hey SharpMom...

I think from what you've stated that your mother already regrets not going to her own mother's funeral...that's part of the reason for so many questions.

I also agree with a PP who said you need to remove yourself from the drama. Don't let your mother's mistakes or feelings be yours. You need to form your own love or hate for your family.

My husband has not talked to his mother in about 8 years or so. She is just an evil evil person. I won't go into details. But when she does die, he plans on going to the viewing just long enough to verify that she is gone.

For him, part of it that he still holds out hope everyday that she will some day be the mother she needs to be. It is so hard to accept that a mother would do such things to her own kids and grandkids.

Without telling our older kids too much detail, we tried to teach them that she was not a good person. Unfortunately, they want to try to love her and have a relationship and keep getting hurt. They too one day will realize she isn't worth the effort and we will be there for them when that time comes.

We do have to see his mother on occasions still. Just this last weekend his brother got married and she was there. She did nothing but give us both dirty looks. We chose not to go to the reception but instead to remove our selves from the situation.

Your mother is probably going through a mix of emotions. There are probably some regrets. There is also sadness that her mother couldn't be a mother and it's final now.

 

[Pugsley]

My brother didn’t go to our mom’s or our dad’s funeral. He lives on the west coast and the rest of us live on the east coast, so I could sort of forgive him for not going to mom’s since he had come out here a couple of weeks before her death (although I had to pay for his plane ticket to get him to come out here at all). I guess he said his goodbyes then. But I don’t think I can ever forgive him for missing our dad’s funeral. He planned to come (supposedly), but he missed his flight because he got to the airport less than half an hour before his flight was scheduled to leave. This was a red-eye that would arrive the morning of the funeral. It wasn’t even important enough to him to get his butt to the airport on time. And why in the heck didn’t he at least come out the day before just to be safe? Anyway, the worst part was that there were still a couple of flights he could have caught, but he said it would be too expensive! This is not a man without any money, plus I knew that he had just received a check for $5,000 from an insurance policy my dad had. But no, he couldn’t spend any of that to get to HIS FATHER’S FUNERAL!!! That was nearly two years ago and I haven’t spoken to my brother since. And frankly I don’t care if I ever speak to him again. I was so humiliated to have to explain to the guests that my dad’s only son wouldn’t be at his funeral. Everyone was asking where he was. It just makes me cry thinking about how sad dad would have been if he knew his son couldn’t even make the effort to get to his funeral. Grrr, I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about this!!!!

 

[ZephyrHawk]

No, but I know some people who didn't attend their father's funeral.

 

[C.Ann]

You've been through a lot.. Your mom has been through a lot.. People make choices for any number of reasons - and then they live with those choices.. It's over now.. Let it be.. There's still a tough road ahead for all of you..