A couple of etiquette questions & then some ranting

[hornedfrog]

I'm sorry? I most certainly think that I am my own person and that I should not always be attached as an appendage to my parents. My "guest", whoever that may be, does not live in this household? So what of that? Why was "guest" tacked on to this invitation? What is the explanation for that? "Guest" is MY guest, so most certainly should be added to my invite. But "guest" has nothing to do with my parents, so shouldn't be on their invite. "Guest" cannot be sent their own invitation as they are, MY guest, and "guest"'s identity has not been written in stone. So what would YOU do here?

I'm not going to decline an invitation to my grandparents *surprise* 50th wedding anniversary party because my aunt wrote it out incorrectly. This may work in other scenarios, but not in mine.

What you think is pretty clear. And irrelevant to the person addressing the invite. And, in many peoples' opinions, incorrect.

You are part of your parents' household. It was nice of the addressee to include you by name (could have gone with "and family" and been okay). It was exceptionally nice of them to give you the allowance of a guest. The person will be your guest. You are part of the household of your parents. Thus the invite goes to your parents, you and the guest (in that order). I don't see why any of this makes a difference? You're right...your guest doesn't live in your household. They are not listed by name on the invite. That is the only area where any of this is relevant...it would be a breach of etiquette if they DID live in your household and weren't addressed by name. Where the guest lives (since its not in the house) doesn't make a difference. And has nothing to do with you getting your own invite.

What would I do? Apologize to my aunt for starters.

How you handle the invitation is totally up to you. You've made that decision. Others will make theirs based on yours. That's how life works.

 

[CEDmom]

There is a lot of etiquette that people don't know and that has been revamped because it's no longer practical. For example, proper etiquette doesn't call for a response card in an invitation. One should actually write a note in the same format as the invitation either accepting or declining. Of course people can't even get call in an RSVP so expecting a written note is out of the question.

 

[sweet angel]

Scroll down almost to the bottom to find examples for addressing the envelopes:

http://www.southworth.com/page.php?id=127

As to the OP correcting the relative...that was unnecessary.

Personally I feel that formal events require formal invitation etiquette, but if there is a faux pas, it's certainly not the duty of an invited guest to point it out.

 

[powellrj]

WOW, we really screwed up. We hosted a 50th party for my parents in June and none of the children or grandchild were sent invitations. Since they were part of the hosting family, it was pretty much assumed that we would be there.

DS is getting married in June and I don't expect an invitation to that event either.

 

[MELSMICE]

You probably should have gotten your own invitation, but IMO, you're making a mountain out a molehill. Why offend your aunt for something so petty? Does it really, really matter?

Have fun at your grandparent's anniversary party, whether you decide to go solo or take a guest. Enjoy your family & don't worry about the wording on an invitation - life is too short.

 

[Nana Annie]

Not at all. Calling your aunt and telling her...now that makes you a snot-nosed brat.

Not to mention the fact that it is also beyond bad taste and a total lack of respect to correct an elder family member.

But then if your mother is also ranting and raving about a misaddressed envelope, then I hazard to guess that you come by your lack of manners honestly.

 

[sha_lyn]

WOW, we really screwed up. We hosted a 50th party for my parents in June and none of the children or grandchild were sent invitations. Since they were part of the hosting family, it was pretty much assumed that we would be there.

DS is getting married in June and I don't expect an invitation to that event either.

LOL... I do think it is very weird that the OPs parent/OP received an invitation at all since they are part of the hosts. Did the aunt mail one to herself LOL.

 

[hentob]

I have already called the person who sent out the invitation and requested that in the future I be sent my own invitation as I am 21 years old. I did this extremely politely and noted that I was not mad, but that it was for future reference. I think this person is now a little annoyed with me.

I would be annoyed too Wow. Pretty ballzie to pick up the phone and tell someone the proper way to invite Queen You

Folks, this is the beginning of the Me, Me, ME...It's all about ME generation entering the "adult world". Yep. Welcome to the generation that was built on "YOU are special, just because you are YOU"

The good news is--The OP seems intelligent. She will most likely wake up one day and (hopefully) be embarrassed about her "This is how you will invite me to future events" phone call. She will mature and not make this etiquette faux pas in the future

 

[mommylicious]

Hmm. Earlier this summer my parents received an invitation to a 50th anniversary party of a relative that I met once as a 6 or 7 year old. The only thing I remember about her is that she gave me a stuffed animal when I met her and that she, and the stuffed animal, smelled like smoke. We have never been close (geographically or emotionally) to my father's family but in recent years some of his cousins have been trying to "pull the family together" and this is part of that effort. I am 35 years old, have not lived in my parents home or been dependent on them financially since I finished graduate school around 12 years ago. I have been married for 10 years and have 3 children of my own. I, and my entire family, were included with my parents invitation. It was addressed to:

Mr. and Mrs. Dad's Name
MyFirstname MyMaidenName and family

A note was enclosed that we were welcome to bring our 9 month old baby and that they would have a babysitter and "kids room" during the ceremony (they are renewing their vows at this party). I am sure that the reason is that my father's cousin, who was not at my wedding or any other event important in my life, did not know my married name or my address yet they had spoken to my parents about me enough to know I am an only child, my name and that I have a family of my own. Yes, proper etiquette would have been for them to call my parents and get my husband's name and perhaps my children's name as well and my address then send my family our own invite. That's not what happened and I am not offended at all by it.

Even if I was offended, I certainly wouldn't pick up the phone and complain to them about it. Be certain that even if you were polite in your words and manner, it was perceived as COMPLAINING about your lack of invitation. You could have waited until after the party and then mentioned something if it was bothering you enough to require a comment.

All that said, I believe someone else pointed out that what is accepted as proper etiquette for these sort of things does change from time to time. In it's purest form etiquette may not change but what is accepted as proper does. More than likely your aunt either addressed based on what was considered proper "in her day" OR she figured that since your father was sharing in the expense, this was a less formal invitation and she was less concerned about being "proper."

I must say that it seems to me this is a case of like mother, like daughter as well.

 

[Nana Annie]

I did not intentionally offend my aunt. That was not my intent at all. My intent was to inform her, politely, that at 21 I would appreciate my own invitation to things. Does everyone really think that I sat here and said, "man, I'm gonna call her up and rip her a new one about this, she's such an idiot, I can't believe it, rant rant rant"? Because that isn't what happened. It was more like, "Hmm... shouldn't I have my *own* invitation at 21? Especially if I'm bringing a guest? Maybe she doesn't know that's how it works. I'll let her know for the future."

And this is exactly why you are still being treated as a child despite your chronological age. You don't yet understand how a mature adult acts. You cannot see how your calling your aunt, no matter how politely you thought you did it, was rude and immature. You do not understand the irony of correcting somebody's breach of etiquette by committing an even more serious breach of etiquette.

Until you understand why and acknowledge what you did was immature and rude, you will not join the ranks of adulthood no matter your chronological age.

 

[Becky2005]

LOL... I do think it is very weird that the OPs parent/OP received an invitation at all since they are part of the hosts. Did the aunt mail one to herself LOL.

Me too but hey at least she was invited. They forgot to invite me to my mother's 50th surprise birthday party. It wasn't intentional on anyone's part though. My aunts thought my dad told me & my dad thought my aunts told me & in the end NO BODY told me. I did think it was a bit odd since most of the time there is a 50th party but on the other hand they've also been known to throw one not anywhere *near* the actual birthday. My mom thought I did a good job of covering up that a surprise party was in the works -- since I went over on her actual birthday and brought gifts, etc... I found out about the party after my mom called me asking if I had to work with me going "party? what party?" & being seriously clueless. I wasn't offended more than anything, it has become a family funny -- I mean seriously...how could *I* be overlooked for my own mother's party but it was just so comical at the time once everything got unraveled as to what happened.

I just keep thinking about my parent's 50th anniversary which will be the same year my DD graduates from High School. She will be 18 more than likely living at home still & I don't intend to send her an invite to her grandparents party considering I'm going to be paying for some of it. She will be invited of course, but even being 18 I'm not mailing her one or even handing her one (which I believe is the "legal" adult age-- so going on the assumption that a legal adult should get their own invitation). I know my sister didn't get an official invite to my parents 25th anniversary & she lived in a complete other state, had to fly in for the party.

 

[sha_lyn]

Not to mention the fact that it is also beyond bad taste and a total lack of respect to correct an elder family member.

But then if your mother is also ranting and raving about a misaddressed envelope, then I hazard to guess that you come by your lack of manners honestly.

LOL.... luckily this apple fell far from the mother tree. Or should I say I have since learned better than what I was taught in some circumstances. Then again sometimes I guess it pays to be rude.

IE....a while back we were talking about wedding invites here on the DIS. I mentioned that within a couple weeks of each other I received 2 invitations that left DD off. I assumed that DD was not invited. Then while talking to the soon to bride for one of the weddings I learned that kids were invited, she was curious as to why we hadn't RSVP'ed yet. The conversation led me to believe DD probably was invited. I then mentioned that DD was not on the invitation and I was waiting to see her in person to ask her. She slugged her soon to be groom and they both apologized that he left DD's name off.

Not long after I casually mentioned to my aunt that DD's name was not on our "pre-invitation" (I don't know what the "proper name is. It was an engagement announcement photo with the wedding date and saying to expect the invitation with details later) to my cousin's (the groom)wedding. Aunt assured me that DD was invited. I did not feel bad at all asking my aunt considering past conversations we have had about her wedding and her apologies for not asking me to be a flower girl when she married my uncle.


I mentioned the above here on the DIS. I said that sometimes there are oversights, and politely asking (not being rude like it sounds like the OP was) can clear things up.


Now here's the recent follow-up
We received the wedding invitation a few weeks ago. DD was not on it, but our 18 DS was. I then decided that OK, DD probably wasn't invited.

On Sat I mentioned that to my mother, who proceeded to have a fit. Of course DD was invited, you can't invited one person in a house without inviting them all. It was just a given that any children in the home were invited. I then explained to mom that this was a evening destination resort wedding, not a Southern Baptist daytime wedding with cake and punch in the church basement. She just didn't understand that yes there are some weddings that children are not invited to. She proceeded to rant that since her last name was miss-spelled on her invitation,then I must be saying that she really wasn't invited either.

The next day was the wedding shower, which I actually had completely forgotten about and didn't attend. My mother went to the shower and apparently flat out asked the bride if DD was invited.

As it turns out, apparently my aunt didn't help with the invitations, only my cousin, who as a guy sort of forgot that DD was born 10 yrs ago LOL. Cousin was 12 when DS was born so he was around DS for a few yrs. However he was in Germany in the Army when DD was born. He's only seen DD a few times over the last 10 years, mainly because he was overseas or on the other side of the country most of that time. His fiancée actually had asked him about the little girl cousin that was at Christmas dinner, but he couldn't figure out who she was talking about. She had been trying to figure out who DD belonged to so she could be invited.

So my point is.... I would have just left it alone, which etiquette wise would have been the right thing. By not leaving it alone my mom was wrong IMHO, but by being the bossy person that she is, mom did get everything straightened out

 

[Buckalew11]

Adult children are issued their own invitation if they live with the parents, next door, or across the country.

LOL, because that's how it works.

But if someone doesn't know any better and attaches the adult's invitation to someone else's (like the parents) the adult does not get to call them up and inform them that they are being rude. Because that would be rude, because that's how it works, too.

You know a lot about all this. Look like you've read Emily Post.

Whoops, I see you do not put stock in the Posts. I should have said "Miss Manners".

 

[ShesAPirate]

I think a logical way to look at this situation is this:

Is this a formal occasion, with RSVP cards enclosed?
-If yes, then an adult child living at home should certainly receive her own invitation.
-If no, then I don't see the necessity of separate invitations for people in the same household. Perhaps that's not the official rule of etiquette, but again - if this isn't a formal party, then who really cares?

For the record, even though my parents paid for 1/3 of our wedding, I still sent them an invitation. Mom wanted it as a keepsake.

And I don't think I need to weigh in on the phone call to correct the aunt. That's been well-covered over the past 7 pages.

Just think of all the trouble that could've been spared if the aunt had just used eVite

 

[Nana Annie]

LOL.... luckily this apple fell far from the mother tree. Or should I say I have since learned better than what I was taught in some circumstances. Then again sometimes I guess it pays to be rude.

IE....a while back we were talking about wedding invites here on the DIS. I mentioned that within a couple weeks of each other I received 2 invitations that left DD off. I assumed that DD was not invited. Then while talking to the soon to bride for one of the weddings I learned that kids were invited, she was curious as to why we hadn't RSVP'ed yet. The conversation led me to believe DD probably was invited. I then mentioned that DD was not on the invitation and I was waiting to see her in person to ask her. She slugged her soon to be groom and they both apologized that he left DD's name off.

Not long after I casually mentioned to my aunt that DD's name was not on our "pre-invitation" (I don't know what the "proper name is. It was an engagement announcement photo with the wedding date and saying to expect the invitation with details later) to my cousin's (the groom)wedding. Aunt assured me that DD was invited. I did not feel bad at all asking my aunt considering past conversations we have had about her wedding and her apologies for not asking me to be a flower girl when she married my uncle.


I mentioned the above here on the DIS. I said that sometimes there are oversights, and politely asking (not being rude like it sounds like the OP was) can clear things up.


Now here's the recent follow-up
We received the wedding invitation a few weeks ago. DD was not on it, but our 18 DS was. I then decided that OK, DD probably wasn't invited.

On Sat I mentioned that to my mother, who proceeded to have a fit. Of course DD was invited, you can't invited one person in a house without inviting them all. It was just a given that any children in the home were invited. I then explained to mom that this was a evening destination resort wedding, not a Southern Baptist daytime wedding with cake and punch in the church basement. She just didn't understand that yes there are some weddings that children are not invited to. She proceeded to rant that since her last name was miss-spelled on her invitation,then I must be saying that she really wasn't invited either.

The next day was the wedding shower, which I actually had completely forgotten about and didn't attend. My mother went to the shower and apparently flat out asked the bride if DD was invited.

As it turns out, apparently my aunt didn't help with the invitations, only my cousin, who as a guy sort of forgot that DD was born 10 yrs ago LOL. Cousin was 12 when DS was born so he was around DS for a few yrs. However he was in Germany in the Army when DD was born. He's only seen DD a few times over the last 10 years, mainly because he was overseas or on the other side of the country most of that time. His fiancée actually had asked him about the little girl cousin that was at Christmas dinner, but he couldn't figure out who she was talking about. She had been trying to figure out who DD belonged to so she could be invited.

So my point is.... I would have just left it alone, which etiquette wise would have been the right thing. By not leaving it alone my mom was wrong IMHO, but by being the bossy person that she is, mom did get everything straightened out

I think what your mother did was perfectly acceptable. There was confusion on whether your daughter was or was not invited. You had received mixed information, so you clarified. Nothing wrong with that.

There was no question whether the OP was invited. She was just to hoity toity to want to be included on her parent's invite. And she then proceeded to tell the aunt that she wanted her own invite.

Completely different. Your scenario was valid, the OP's was rude and disrespectful. She knew she was invited, she just didn't like the way she was invited.

 

[sha_lyn]

I think what your mother did was perfectly acceptable. There was confusion on whether your daughter was or was not invited. You had received mixed information, so you clarified. Nothing wrong with that.

There was no question whether the OP was invited. She was just to hoity toity to want to be included on her parent's invite. And she then proceeded to tell the aunt that she wanted her own invite.

Completely different. Your scenario was valid, the OP's was rude and disrespectful. She knew she was invited, she just didn't like the way she was invited.

I see and understand your point. I just hope my mother was polite about it, as her reaction when we spoke about it was very rude and ranting. She can be pretty snarky at times. I can just imagine how she approached the poor bride-to-be, whom we've only met 1 other time.

 

[kennancat]

Here's what we did for our wedding:

1) Addressed to Mr. and Mrs. LastName on the outside and Hers & His LastName on the inside. I also read that the man's name should not be separated, as someone mentioned earlier in the thread.

2) We did send individual invitations to children living at home, either 16 or 18 and older. We let our single, out-of-town friends know that they were welcome to bring a guest so they would not have to travel alone. We tried to avoid "and guest" when we knew who the guest would be. I think we included the guest's name on the same invitation instead of sending a separate invitation. Family and in-town singles were not invited with a guest because we were trying to keep it relatively small and they knew 2/3 of the people at the wedding anyway.

And I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here - I think you made a mistake in calling your aunt to tell her you wanted your own invitation.

 

[bluesaturn]

Folks, this is the beginning of the Me, Me, ME...It's all about ME generation entering the "adult world". Yep. Welcome to the generation that was built on "YOU are special, just because you are YOU"

I don’t think this reaction was necessarily caused because of the “ME generation”. I agree with other posters that the OP reacted this way because she is a young adult. We young adults (yes I am one so I don’t feel bad saying this) tend to believe we know everything. I’m sure most people can admit to acting this way when they were younger, even those in “other” generations. It is simply a symptom of being young, earnest, and fiercely opinionated. As soon as we gain life experience and maturity, all this superior knowledge will fade mysteriously into oblivion. For those of you outside of the “ME generation”, I’m sure if you have forgotten your own know-it-all years, people older than you would be happy to refresh your memory. You’ll probably have a good laugh too. I’m sure in 15 years I’ll be doing a lot of laughing as I remember the earth-shattering “drama” of my 20s.

Of course, what do I know? I probably think everything I say is absolute truth. I am a product of the ME generation after all.

 

[Independent]

I'll ask my questions first, and then post the situations that provoked the questioning.

01) When addressing a card to your son & daughter-in-law (or, really, any male/female couple) using first names, shouldn't it be to "Gianna & Sergei", not "Sergei & Gianna", ie: woman's name first?

Addressing the envelope - it should be man then woman, so should be Sergei and Gianna. As mentioned previously - inside should be Gianna and Sergei.

02) If you are sending out invitations for an event, be it a party, wedding, baptism, etc, would you send out a seperate invitation to a couple's adult (over 18) child, even if they live at home, especially if the grown child can also invite a "guest" (ie: significant other)?

Probably the most proper etiquette would be to send separate invites. However, since this was a family affair and your father was paying for 1/3, then the way your aunt addressed it seems perfectly reasonable.

I have already called the person who sent out the invitation and requested that in the future I be sent my own invitation as I am 21 years old. I did this extremely politely and noted that I was not mad, but that it was for future reference. I think this person is now a little annoyed with me. This is a close relative, not a random person.

Of any of the etiquette breaches you mentioned above, this was the most serious breach of etiquette. You may profess to be an adult, but respect as an adult needs to be earned, not demanded.

"A mature person is one who is does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably" - Eleanor Roosevelt

“Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.” - John McNaughton

 

[Traveliz]

Why does everyone assume that because I posted a thread about it, that it is the biggest thing I have to worry about in my life? Is cheerleading the biggest thing the parents in the cheer parent thread have to worry about? Probably not. Is there a thread about the cheerleading anyway? Yup.

I also posted a thread about how my uncle Jim has esophagus, liver, and stomach cancer and he is dying. Is that big enough?

Ok first off I hope that this Uncle Jim is not the husband, brother or brother in law of the Aunt that you have "corrected" regarding her so called breach of etiquette.

I don't worry about so much about the order of names - I write like I speak BUT to be worried, concerned or to even have more than a momentary passing thought about the fact an invitation was not sent to you separately when you are living at home is well in my opinion just silly. Many many many typically polite people would just send a group invite -- it happens here all the time when dealing with college stufents, even young adults who have recently moved out and whose addresses are not readily available. And to COMMENT on it is truly the breach of etiquette here.

Liz