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[Goofball]

Pembo, are you me? Your situation sounds very similar to mine, except for the Alzheimer's. Oh, and "sorry" is in my ILs' vocabulary, in the sense of, "We're sorry for whatever it is you think we've done to you." Based on my experience, if in your position, I can't say I'd resume a relationship. DH might feel guilt-tripped enough to do so, but it would most probably be without me. They would be taken care of, because DH's sister will look after those people until it kills her, no matter what they have done and continue to do to her. My experience has made me a huge believer in eliminating "toxic people" from our lives. If the illness has changed the ILs' tune, that might be different, but there's probably a very good chance that it won't. Good luck to you.

 

[RitaZ.]

You know that they aren't going to chance and that you aren't going to change them. I think that they probably have regrets over not having a relationship with their son and his family. Whatever the reason, she is reaching out to you and your husband. I'm not saying that you should forget everything that has happened between all of you and pretend that everything is just peachy. Maybe your husband and his parents have this opportunity to create a "new relationship". The time to make amends is not when one is in one's deathbed.

Let your DH decide what he wants to do. I have learned that forgiveness isn't about "the other person", it's about allowing yourself to let go of the pain and anger.

 

[Deb & Bill]

Normally I wouldn't respond, but I have to this time. My father had Alzheimers disease and died of it about 4 years ago. My mother had a bypass about two and a half years ago and never recovered from it . She died about two years ago. My older brother and his wife never spoke to them or any of the rest of the family for the past 10-12 years. And we never really knew why. On numerous occasions, I tried to contact my brother, but either he or his wife just hung up on me or returned my letters and photos. My 12 year old son doesn't even know his aunt, uncle and two cousins. None of my brother's family were at either funeral and never even indicated that they cared in the least. They couldn't find the time to come to my sister's husband's funeral either when he died at the age of 42. They sent a gift certificate to a grocery store about a month later to my sister.

Do not let this go on any longer. Try to find out what happened and forgive. Talk to a counselor. Ask the mom to go with your husband to a counselor and resolve this. At some point, your husband just will not forgive himself if he never talks to them again. If his father has Alzheimer's he needs to talk to him before he is forgotten. This disease is the most horrible thing.

Be the bigger ones. Give it up to God and forgive. Please.

This needs some prayer on your part.

PS. She can't say Alzheimers because she can't accept the fact that the man who took care of her, was the breadwinner, etc, is now being reduced to less than a child who needs help getting dressed, eating food and having to be watched 24/7. My father always tried to go outside and my mother was worn out trying to watch him all the time. She seldom got more than an hour or two of sleep because she would hear him get up and wander. She would lay out clothing for him and he would come out with his underwear over his pants. He had no idea what went on first or why. She yelled at him a lot because he just didn't get it. You need to find out more about Alzheimers because the biggest victim is the caregiver. They often need more medical help than the patient. Sometimes the patient get violent and will strike at or fight with the caregiver. Check for bruises on your MIL. She seriously needs your help.

 

[lbgraves]

"We're sorry for whatever it is you think we've done to you."

WOW! I didn't realize anyone else had been told that line of BS before...or something close to it. My birthparents didn't say the word sorry at all but they didn't understand.....

I cut them out of our life almost five years ago...and our life is so much more peaceful now. I tried to forgive...but you cannot forgive someone who refuses to acknowledge that they have done anything wrong. I decided that I had to eliminate the toxic relationship in my life to save my family. Doing this also cut off any and all family contact except with my sister. Honestly, I really do NOT miss the BS. I didn't forgive but I did learn how to let go of the anger that had been inside for years. I grew up with physical and mental abuse and their attempt to control my life and my family was not wanted.

Many of my friends have lost or are in the process of losing a parent and that upsets me at times. Most of them have great relationships with that parent and as far as I am concerned mine are already dead to me. I get occasional cards from them & usually I just tear them up & toss them in the trash. I use to open them but there were snarky notes in them. They tried to use 9/11 to make me feel guilty about everything. Never once did their note even acknowledge that they may have done anything wrong. They even put comments in the kid's birthday cards to the affect that I would send you something but your mother would just return it. Yea, right! As IF I would show them that one and keep it in the baby book.

I have no desire to even try to deal with all of the BS now if they suddenly saw the light & decided that it was wrong of them to beat the cr@p out of me when I was growing up...among other things. It is healthier for me to go on with my life...leave the past behind & focus on the future.

You & your DH need to make the choice that is right for you. Noone can understand what you have gone thru to get to this point if they have not gone thru it themselves.