2 ?'s Reguarding Teens Behavior

[LvsTnk]

My DD (who will be 15 in a month) has started to date or mostly go out in groups with this 16yo boy. She has become very secretive and standoffish and I am starting to worry. She has really changed in the last couple of months and I don't know if is because she has started HS and is just growing up or something more serious. I have tried to keep the communication going but she knows we think she is too young to be seeing this boy.

Now for the ?'s. How far would you go to find out what is going on? I am thinking about going into her online filing cabnet because I know she saves all of her conversations with her friends. Will she find out if I do that? I am not that computer savvy.

I am sooo worried and sooo desperate!

Any advice or help would be appreciated

 

[Serena]

Before you do anything drastic. One day soon, when neither of you are angry at the other. Sit her down and talk with her. Tell her how worried you are. Tell her what you expect out of her, tell her about the dangers of the world, tell her anything you need to tell her.

Then, tell her that if you feel any reasonable reason to be worried and she won't give you any answers that you will invade her privacy if neccessary. You, of course, would rather not, and you don't like it, but you will if you have to.

Talk to her about her growing up, about the kind of relationship you would love to have with her. Tell her you are worried and scared and want to protect her forever, but you know you can't. Tell her that you love her and she can be honest with you and come to you for anything. You won't guarantee how you will react, but you will be there for her, no matter what.

Once your thoughts and feelings are out, and you have warned her about invading her privacy, then it's a little easier to do what needs to be done. I would only do it if you have to. It is a breach of trust.
Goodluck.

 

[Wish Upon A Star]

I'm sending you a PM

 

[CBRorBust]

I think that Parents and Teenagers walk a fine line of trust.

If you read her personaly conversations, you are willing to never have your daughters complete trust ever again. I think that taking the chance just to find out something that may not even exist is not worth it.

I am not sure what it is you are really "looking for" or "curious about" is worth the betrayal she would feel if she did one day find out you went through her computer file. Have you tried to talk to her one on one before? Not like the playful conversation of "what's going on in your life?" but the "hey...I'm worried, and I need you to put my mind at ease, what's going on in your life" conversation.

Whatever you do, Good Luck this is a critical age in her life.

 

[Keli]

Most of what you are describing sounds very normal to me but it is all a matter of degrees. Most (maybe all?) teenagers become less open with their parents as they begin to pull away from them and become independant. It does sort of feel like they are being secretive because they used to tell you everything and now it's hard to have more than a two minute conversation. But I will say this, I would not have let my dd Ashli date a young man I did not approve of when she was 14 years old (actually we didn't let her date until she was 16yrs. but we had to meet the guys first until she was about 17yrs). You still have control over where she goes and with whom at that age. Is the age difference your only concern with the young man? Because two years isn't that large a gap in my opinon.

I think it is acceptable for a parent to invade their child's privacy if the child's life or health are at stake but honestly, for this situation I would not feel that is the wisest course of action. I think you need to redouble your efforts to have open communication with her and also realize that she's growing up and that means growing apart from you for a while. After she's established herself as an individual in her own right she'll come back to being close to you if you've maintained open communication and a good relationship. Good luck, the teen years can be hard for everyone.

 

[LvsTnk]

Believe me I have had the I am worried talk. She has done a complete 180 in about 2 1/2 months. Her 17yo brother tells me more than she does.

We have met him (they go to a small catholic school so we know his family), he is an honors student, very popular, but has done some questionable things in the past. He also only comes over to pick her up. I have told him we would like him to come over more just this Monday so we will see if he does.

I am truely listening about invading her privacy. I don't know maybe I wil just keep talking, talking, and talking.

 

[Tiggeroo]

So sorry you are going thru this. I'm sure you know you need to tread carefully here. If you had a definite reason to worry about her safety or health I would do whatever I had to. I'm not sure you do, but I'm not there.
Apparently she is already seeing the young man. I don't think you can change this, but you can set the terms. When my dd was this age (actually a bit older since she didn't date til 16) her bf could come over to our house. If his parents were home, and I trusted them to supervise, she could go there. Other then that, only group activities/dates where I or another parent dropped off and picked up. This left very little unsupervised time. I knew where she was and when she was coming home. The big thing is unsupervised time. Do you work? If so I would be concerned about that window from after school til you got home and put something in place there.
Different kids are, well, different. My dd shared everything with me. My one son shares nothing, I never know if he even has a gf. The other son is in the middle, but he had a gf for 4 months and he and she had broken up for over 2 weeks before I found out.
Also, what I would allow would depend on what the questionable things were the he did. I can tell you from personal experience it can be dangerous to forbid a young couple from seeing each other. This could push them closer when most likely she would be bored with him in a week. Just supervise, supervise, supervise.

 

[LvsTnk]

Well, they are together in groups(he picks her and her friends up here), and my DS has been trying to keep tabs on the situation from the school end. He loves his sister dearly and really gave the boy a hard time at first and the BF stayed around through that. He also knows that I know about what the questionable things were and what I expect of him, apparently DS says that the kids at school say he's changed for the better???? Whatever that means.

I don't work, but they have tons of 1/2 days where they stay at school because they have sports soon after. I have not gone down the you can't see him route because it just wouldn't work, his friends have now become her friends and they all have sports together and of course she sees him at school.

I am glad I posted this, it has made me really think, Thanks!! All kids are different I just have to try harder to figure her out.

 

[MICKEY88]

Invite him to dinner on a weekend, then play monopoly or some board or card game,,t aht way you can talk to him and get to know him a little..that should also open up the line of communications with your daughter,,

I did this recently with my daughter{17}

she really liked the guy, but had limited time spent with him, invited him over and spent a few hours talking , just feeding him the subject matter and letting him talk, 'till the night was over she couldn't stand him, because he was so full of himself.....LOL


she broke up with him within a week or so, because she had seen the real him...rather than the facade he had presented her...

 

[grinningghost]

I can relate. My DD will be 15 in June. Here's what happens here, and it's threatening to cause the great divide in DH's and my near perfect marriage.

He thinks it's OK to look over DD's instant message conversations while she's not home. And he DOES. He always calls me in to read them. I'll go and read a few lines (and it's always typical teenage talk - nothing heavy like she thinks she's pregnant or she needs a fix or anything) - tell him he's wrong for doing that, and walk out.

She has no idea he does this, and I'm afraid of the day she finds out. They have a very good father/daughter relationship right now, and I think that could ruin it for good.

Now, IF I had reason to suspect she was doing something harmful, then I could see snooping, but she gives us no reason to believe she's doing anything bad - so why the need for snooping? He's a paranoid father?

I wish you luck. This is a tough age because they think they're "little miss independent" and we KNOW they aren't.

 

[Sandy V.]

I agree with the above poster who said that supervision is the key here. Every parents' idea of when dating should begin is different, but I think she should start all of this very s-l-o-w-l-y.

It's important that you and your husband call the shots here and not your daughter. If you are uncomfortable with a 14 year old going out one-on-one or even on group dates with a lot of frequency, then you need to take control of the situation NOW.

I guess what concerns me is your statement that the boy has done some "questionable" things in the past. Although I have no idea exactly what that means, it appears on the surface that something regarding this is making you uneasy here.

Let your daughter know that you love her and trust her, but that she has a long time in her life to date, and that she needn't rush things.

 

[Evil Princess]

I wouldn't think that this is a big deal, but the whole "questionable" behavior in the past kind of makes me feel a little uneasy.

Do you know what he has done in the past, or is all you know what your DS told you (just that he did some questionable things prior to meeting your daughter).

If you don't know what the kid did in the past, I'd suggest finding out before jumping to conclusions OR putting your daughter in a bad situation. Questionable can range anywhere from cheating on a test to experimenting with drugs to committing a crime. (Not to judge the kid, but you keep bringing up his past).

 

[DisneyJules]

Tough situation to be in. My parents never allowed us to date til we were 16, old enough to drive, old enough to date. Though my brother ended up dating at the age of 14 too young IMHO. The issue here is trust. If you go through her conversations online and she were to find out she would feel the same way you would if she were to be crossing your line of trust. I think it's a great idea to have the boyfriend over and to get to know him.

 

[LvsTnk]

I'd just rather not say in this forum what it is, and yes I know what he did and let's just say he is not doing it anymore as far as I know. I like him except for this one thing, he is well liked at school by parents and teachers as well. I just wish I knew 100% what is going on and I guess that's not going to happen unless I invade her privacy.

At this point after posting this I guess I am not willing to risk her shutting off from me completely if she found out I did that.


Someone asked me how my son with special needs is doing and for once I was able to say he is a breeze compared to the other 2

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by LvsTnk
I'd just rather not say in this forum what it is, and yes I know what he did and let's just say he is not doing it anymore as far as I know. I like him except for this one thing, he is well liked at school by parents and teachers as well. I just wish I knew 100% what is going on and I guess that's not going to happen unless I invade her privacy.

we all made mistakes as kids..if he has matured and stopped..he deserves a second chance in life..

 

[LvsTnk]

Originally posted by MICKEY88

Originally posted by LvsTnk
I'd just rather not say in this forum what it is, and yes I know what he did and let's just say he is not doing it anymore as far as I know. I like him except for this one thing, he is well liked at school by parents and teachers as well. I just wish I knew 100% what is going on and I guess that's not going to happen unless I invade her privacy.

we all made mistakes as kids..if he has matured and stopped..he deserves a second chance in life..

Yep, I was no angel either, maybe that's why I am worried.

 

[Kirby]

Invite him over for dinner or pizza and a movie. Encourage him to stay awhile at your house instead of them leaving all the time.

Sitting down and talking with your daughter about the situation. Maybe you should express your concerns. I don't know, my daughter has just turned 13. She knows that she won't be able to single date until she's 16.

My son will be 16 in July. He will be able to single date then. We had told him that he could group date starting at the first of this year but he has shown no interest. His attitude is I can't drive, I can't date, so why have a girlfriend.

I feel for you. Just try to get the communication doors open. Invading her privacy will just drive her away. I wouldn't read anything secret of hers unless you have good reason to believe that what's she's doing will harm her in any way.

But as for the guy, I realize that people should get second chances, especially if they are trying to change. But just because he is a good student and very popular with classmates and teachers doesn't mean he doesn't have a hidden agenda. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so negative but I think that if it were my daughter, he would have to earn my trust.

 

[LvsTnk]

Just as an update, she did open up last night and I decided not to say much just listen. Hopefully I can earn her trust.

Thanks for pointing out how inappropriate it would be to invade her privacy.....I guess I was doubting my parenting abilities instead of trusting that I had taught her right from wrong.

Boy, those years you have to mold them go by sooooo fast!!

 

[Sandy V.]

Glad she opened up to you. I'm sure that makes you feel a lot better.

I have a 16-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son, so I realize how difficult it can be to get information out of them!

Sometimes all it takes is to be there at the right moment!