$175 - our share for FIL fathers day gift

[nuzmom]

I can't believe it. My DH told me last night that his brother said that our share of the gift for their dad for father's day is $175!!!!!!! To me, this is just CRAZY!!!! We barely spend that much on our own kids birthdays. My mom got a $20 gift and cards for mother's day. I received a $35 juicer, $15 watch, and cards. We try to do thoughtful gifts, but we can't go crazy on what we spend.

DBIL had asked if we wanted to go in on a gift together. DH had said, ok. We didn't think DBIL could afford much either, he's single, lives with his dad, low paying job, and child support. As an aside, he didn't buy either our DS11 or DS6 birthday presents, we assumed he couldn't afford it - no big deal to us, we completely understand. Other DBILs are also single, but with very well paying jobs (and out of state). The 2 of them went in and bought dad a flat screen TV for Christmas last year (leaving other DBIL and us out of it).

Am I wrong for being upset over this? Yes, we said we'd split something. Money was never mentioned so we assumed $20 to $50. There have been many times that we just give cards. It never crossed our minds that the gift would be a new bed - at $175 each. I now realize what a HUGE mistake it was not to tell DH to be clear that we would pitch in up to $50 and if that wasn't enough, we'd buy our own gift. Hindsight is 20/20.

Oh, and DFIL doesn't "need" anything. That was part of the reasoning - this is the only thing he "needs". I was so mad last night, I clearly told DH that we will NEVER EVER go in on a gift again!!!!

Regardless, I need to find a way to come up with $175 to pay our share. Our Anniversary is coming up and my DM usually gives us $100. I guess that's where it will go.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Wow-I'm totally floored! That is some pricey gift. We had a similar situation a few years ago with DMIL. DH has two sisters and we are all scattered throughout the country. DH's youngest sister lives closest to DMIL. She wanted us all to go in on a Christmas gift and we said ok. We never spend more than say $50-we have too many people that we have to buy for and our last name isn't Trump. DSIL bought a computer for DMIL! We were livid-not only because of the cost (and not consulting us), but we knew DMIL would never use it (and true to that thought-one year later she demanded we take it away because it was in her way-she never even booted it up). I dislike going in on group gifts in general because it normally costs us way more than we would spend and the person who does the shopping seems to get all the glory. DH and his older sister never even got so much as a thank you from DMIL for the computer. Knowing my SIL, she probably presented it as a gift from her and DBIL.

Anyhoo...I don't think you are wrong to be upset at all. At this point, I guess you really have no alternative except to kick in your share, but I'd be sure DH tells his brother that he should have consulted you both before committing you to such an expensive gift as this is not what you normally spend and is well beyond your budget. Very thoughtless. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and just never go in on a gift with him again-or at least not without setting a dollar limit first.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I hear ya... my 25yo single still lives at home who make me that my family of 6 brother asked me to go in a birthday gift for ourmom last week...

It was a $500 gas dryer..


My answer was NO LOL

 

[Princess Stitch]

Wow, when I ask people to go in on a gift I either ask how much they're willing to spend, or I tell them what I'm planning on buying. Also when someone asks me to contribute I tell them how much I'm willing to spend.

If you can't afford the $175, tell them that. Explain that right now you can contribute $50 and that's all you can afford. They should have asked you before, and there's still time to return the bed and get a gift card or something else instead.

 

[eliza61]

What did he get? if he brough FIL a new snowblower or lawn mower, then no $175 is not that expensive. Whatever he purchased he should have discussed it with you guys first.

 

[okeydokey]

Wow, expensive lesson learned. I guess we all need to clarify all the details before agreeing to share a gift.

 

[LynnTH]

Can you tell him that this gift is for Father's Day and his Birthday or Christmas or something like that??

 

[daisax]

I wouldn't want anybody to buy ME a bed. Isn't that something you pick out yourself?

 

[girlsx4]

I would tell him to return it. There is NO way I'd pay that much on a gift w/o being consulted first(actually I wouldn't spend that much EVER!)

 

[mickeylove2]

I have been on the other end of that scenario before. A friend and I went shopping together for a bridal shower give from Victoria's Secret and the bride to be is my best friend so I wasn't really concerned about the price. Well we both really liked this gown and robe set, I think we also got some lip gloss, perfume and other small things too. Well the total was $400 and I put it on my VS credit card and told my friend to pay me later. Well a week later she gave me $50. I wasn't upset or offfended because obviously that's all she could or wanted to spend. I say give the brother-in-law what you are comfortable spending and let that be that. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

 

[nuzmom]

Wow, expensive lesson learned. I guess we all need to clarify all the details before agreeing to share a gift.

Yep, that's the way I'm looking at it, expensive lesson learned. However, I still really don't want to spend the $175, know what I mean?

I wouldn't want anybody to buy ME a bed. Isn't that something you pick out yourself?

I was wondering the same thing.

I have been on the other end of that scenario before. A friend and I went shopping together for a bridal shower give from Victoria's Secret and the bride to be is my best friend so I wasn't really concerned about the price. Well we both really liked this gown and robe set, I think we also got some lip gloss, perfume and other small things too. Well the total was $400 and I put it on my VS credit card and told my friend to pay me later. Well a week later she gave me $50. I wasn't upset or offfended because obviously that's all she could or wanted to spend. I say give the brother-in-law what you are comfortable spending and let that be that. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

That seems reasonable. In my case, my BIL told us that our share is $175.

Thank you for all your replies. It does make me feel a lot better. I was feeling sort of cheap - I mean it is my FIL. But then I think - my mom does a LOT for us (watches the kids, takes us to WDW!!!!), we don't spend that much on her and she would be upset if we did. When DH and I both worked (I had a high paying job), we won't have batted an eyelash at this, but that was 5 years ago!!!!

I think DH is embarrassed to say that we won't put in that much. I also think he doesn't want to "cause waves" with any of his brothers. Right now I'm thinking would you rather "cause waves" with your wife???? But that's not the right attitude at the moment.

I think he needs to SERIOUSLY tell his DB that this is way more than we thought and that we'd prefer to not be included in the gift.

Just an aside - our anniversary is the day after father's day - his dad usually gives us $25 (my mom gives us $100). Maybe he could give us $175 so that we can pay for his gift

Sorry, my attitude is still more sour than I thought.

With a GOOD attitude, I guess I need to be thankful that we'll probably receive some money for our anniversary and that this won't be as huge a hit to our budget as I thought. I can probably live with that to "keep the peace", but NEVER EVER again!!!! (now hoping that mom comes through with that $100 anniversary check.

 

[toesmom]

Wow, I would tell brother in law that he will have to find a less expensive gift, that you are in no position to spend that much money and you will gladly contribute $50 towards it if they decide to keep it. Otherwise $50 towards something else.

You are not crazy, I think they are for not asking you if $175 is ok for your share before buying it.

No one needs a flat screen tv sorry. And usually a nice dinner out is enough for someone who has everything already.

 

[tadamom]

I would be furious too!

We usually go in on gifts for my inlaws but my SIL always says "just give me what you want to spend". And, that's all she gets. It doesn't matter if she is spending $100 and us $25. She is a lawyer and my BIL is a huge salary as well & we are a 1 income family.

I agree with what some others have said about telling BIL to get a different gift. If your FIL already knows about the bed being a gift, then you really can't go back on it but if he doesn't know - then get something else and tell him how much you are willing to contribute.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

I've had this happen to me. I simply tell my husband to say, We're awfully sorry but we can only contribute $50. If you don't want our names on the gift, we understand.

Do NOT give them $175! That's just ridiculous. I have a doozy of a story about something like this that involved a $1000 laptop which we were asked to buy for my very well-off FIL right after I lost my job, we had a house fire, and someone hit my car. No kidding. Can you imagine asking someone who had that trifecta of bad luck (and the bills to go with it) for a $1000 computer, and for a man who could buy one of those with ease?

Oh, and not once have WE ever gotten a gift of that magnitude from the same people we are asked to buy such gifts for.

Stay strong!

 

[badblackpug]

My brother an I always split gifts for our parents, but we always discuss ahead of time what we are going to buy.

Maybe you could explain to your BIL that you didn't expect to spend quite so much, you were thinking maybe $20-$50, and that although ou are willing to give your share, you will have to do it in installments as you just do not have this much disposable income on hand.

 

[Michigan]

What did he get? Maybe his DB is sticking him for more of the bill then half of the bill?

 

[PJinNYC]

For THAT much money, I would have thought that your BIL would have asked you your opinion about the gift. Even if it was a "I am thinking about getting him a _____. What do you think?"

When we have gone in on gifts, I have asked about how much ahead of time. But even without asking how much, I cannot imagine something like that as a Father's Day gift. Maybe BIL wanted to go with something big since he lives with him? Still, seems like an awful lot for him to ask you for without talking to you first.

For us, Father's Day gifts are kept simple. DD and I made things for DH and the grandpa's and we gave them something simple and nice.

So what did you end up doing? I am hoping you didn't have to pay that much, but I know family politics can be tricky.

 

[trip]

I must have missed this but what was the gift?

 

[brandylouwho]

Wow, that was rude and thoughtless on BILs part, but unfortunately I am finding that this sort of thing happens time & again. Different people have different ideas on what is appropriate or not and your BIL is probably oblivious to the fact that what he did has upset you so much or even that you may not be able to afford that much (or at least that you didn't plan to spend that much).

My in-laws recently pulled something like that on us. DHs aunt (one he was NOT close to) died last week. She was money poor, single, no kids...and we got "asessed" a certain amount to help out with the funeral expenses!!! We seriously got told how much we owed! When DH asked what the money was for...his mom didn't know/couldn't tell him. So she looked into it and was told "flowers." Let's just say that if EVERY adult aged niece and nephew gave that amount it would have been one hell of a flower arrangement.

DH told his mom how rude to assume we afford anything (I am currently on UNPAID maternity leave, adjusting to affording a 2nd kid, and we are footing the enitre bill to take HER to Disney this fall--come to think of it, maybe that is why she thinks we are loaded ).

This aunt has about 10 living siblings, who decided to "upgrade" from the basic funeral "package." (I know, it is the last thing they'll ever do for her...but when you don't have enough money for what you want...you don't get what you want, right?)

In the end we only gave $25. I feel sort of cheap, but that is what we felt was appropriate, what we would have given of our own free will. After being so rudely assessed we felt like giving NOTHING. DH also made it clear that we shall never be told to pay for anything by the extended family again. If help is needed, feel free to ask, but also be prepared that the answer may just be no, sorry.

Ooops, wasn't trying to hi-jack your thread...it just reminded me of this all too recent grievance).

I guess it is a long winded way of making my point, which was? Oh yeah,

1) You really should tell BIL that buying an extravagent present without disclosing it to you first wasn't cool. (Don't feel uncomfortable about standing up for yourself)
2)If you haven't already paid him you still have a choice to pay the $175 or less.
2) In the future be clear as to what your expectations are because different people can have very different ideas of what is or is not appropriate.

and last but not least, I am sorry you had to be put in such a predicament, but it happens to the best of us sometimes...hang in there!

 

[Nicolepa]

If it were me I would probably pay $100 and tell them that was double what you are planning and all you can afford. IMO if they can all afford $175 then another $25 each won't break them.