Young adult child and pets

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by Tiggeroo, Nov 14, 2012.

  1. Tiggeroo

    Tiggeroo Grammar Nazi

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 1999
    Messages:
    10,674
    I have had several young adult children while they unsigned up their schooling and saved some money. One child two years ago bought a puppy. This child loved this dog but typical to this age was not really ready for this responsibility. Not only were there several jobs there were serious relationships. Also this child after working two jobs came home took a shower and went out with friends. Dh and I were always caring for this dog. We walked him took him to the park took him to vets offices made sure he had food... The dog follows us around and sleeps in our room. Dh always plays with him for at least an hour a night.
    You can see where this is going. Child is ready to move out soon and definitely plans on taking dog. I have been avoiding this conversation. I don't want to estrange a child. It's not just that the dog loves us. He's be happy with my child too if there would be any Te for the dog. But child is beginning the first real job will be taking classes and in the smer will still work two jobs bthere will be parties to go to. That dog will be neglected and left home at least ten hours a day. Dh an I both work but I have frequent time off. I can also afford a dog walker. I am off all summer too. Has anybody dealt with this? How did you handle it? Child thinks we spoil the dog and he doesn't need nearly all of the attention we give him. We do spoil him a bit.
     
  2. Avatar

    Google AdSense Guest Advertisement


    to hide this advert.
  3. Pea-n-Me

    Pea-n-Me DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2004
    Messages:
    22,696
    It sounds like it's basically been your dog and that is what the dog is accustomed to. It seems like it wouldn't be in the best interest of the dog to now be left alone most of the day. The dog would be bored and frustrated, probably destructive, too. But, since you don't want it to cause an estrangement, why don't you consider letting your son take the dog and be there in a month or two when he realizes it's not working. Let him think it's his idea and you're doing him a favor taking the dog back. ;)
     
  4. badblackpug

    badblackpug <font color=blue>If you knew her you would be shoc

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2005
    Messages:
    4,089
    Not in that it is my child, but I was that child. I got a dog my junior year in high school, then went to college, then came home and lived home for a year while saving to buy a house. I had a good job and was enjoying the lifestyle of being young, single, childless, and earning good money. (I screwed that up pretty quickly :rotfl2:)
    When I was getting ready to move out my mom very gingerly approached me about the dog. She loved him and was very attached. I, reluctantly, had to admit she was right. He was as attached to her as she was to him and he had become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and amount of attention. Being a dog he would never understand why he was being what he perceived as ignored.

    She very nicely explained that he was used to having a big yard, and someone home except for short intervals. That I was young, and liked to go out and travel and dogs need to be walked and need attention, and that since I would be living in a townhouse he would need a lot of walking because he didn't have a yard to run in. I think she more framed it in the context of how keeping him would cramp my style.

    Maybe you want to suggest to her that she get acclimated to her new home and routine then maybe try a lower maintenance animal like a cat?
     
  5. clh2

    clh2 <font color=green>I am the Pixie Stick NARC at my

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2003
    Messages:
    8,836
    Oh - I don't envy you at all. Can I ask a question - how far away is your son moving? Maybe you can share the dog - you take the during the week, and your son take the dog on the weekends? Or maybe - your son won't be able to find an apartment that allows dogs???

    We have a neighbor that got a dog when she turned 18. It has continued to be a very sad situation. Mom and dad didn't want her to get one. The dog is merely tolerated, and IMHO isn't a wanted part of the family.
     
  6. rebeccaariel

    rebeccaariel DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2012
    Messages:
    534
    It's funny you should post this on the night my mom and I had a very similar discussion. I'm 20 and am planning to move out next summer into a house with some friends, and the plan was to bring Pippin with me. The friends all love him and he loves them, so that's no problem. My dog has always been classified as *mine*, but he adores my mom. I have concerns that he'll really miss her, and I want to make sure he's in the best situation possible. If your child loves the dog, which I'm certain they do, they'll want what's best for the dog. I suggest having a very open and serious discussion about what's best for him.

    My mom wants me to take the dog, but suggested that when I first move out, he only come stay with me on weekends for a while to see how he likes the house and neighbourhood. If he seems comfortable and happy there, we can make it full time. Maybe if you do something similar, your child will realize it's too much work to take care of the dog with their busy life. OR they'll really step up and surprise you. Either way, you might be able to figure out, as a family, what's best for the dog. I wish you the best of luck!
     
  7. Tiggeroo

    Tiggeroo Grammar Nazi

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 1999
    Messages:
    10,674
    We will be downsizing and dh and I will be moving an hour or so away and child will be staying in this general area. We would gladly meet him somewhere with the dog on weekends. The thing is I doubt we will be told that there isn't enough time with the dog or that it's not really working. We just won't know and I will assume the dog is always alone. This child has the mistaken idea that they are giving the dog all the attention he needs. They really don't see how much time we spend and when they do think we are just spoiling the dog.
     
  8. Fly4free

    Fly4free DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2010
    Messages:
    612
    I was that child too. :) I had a similar situation and really wanted to take my dog when I moved out. I spent a lot of money at the vet for this dog and was the one to take her to the vet, but my sister, who is mentally challenged, wanted to keep the dog. My father also loved the dog and wanted to keep her. My mom said no problem with me taking my dog because she knew once I was gone she would get all the work of the dog by default.

    I ended up leaving my dog with my parents and sister. I lived close by so I did take her on my days off often. She truly was happier with my family. I just went out and adopted my own dog after a while and he was awesome.
     
  9. Irish9697

    Irish9697 Mouseketeer

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2004
    Messages:
    393
    I say you have the conversation that you will keep the dog. I'm an animal lover and am plagued with guilt any time life plans interfere with making my dog happy. He is pretty much the center of attention at home and we take him on errands. He's happiest with us, so I make sure we are with him as much as possible. He's a very happy, well adjusted and well trained border collie. I literally can't wait to get home to him each day. And, trips? I'm starting to just plan ones where we can take him. So, I think you should tell him you'll keep the dig while he gets settled and then go from there...
     
  10. crazyme5kids

    crazyme5kids DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2002
    Messages:
    5,400
    Here is what my mother said to me when I was moving out and planning on taking my dog:

    If you take the dog you're taking your father too.

    Needless to say, the dog stayed.:lmao:
     
  11. SarahWeasley

    SarahWeasley Mouseketeer

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2010
    Messages:
    241
    The dog is only "spoiled" if you let him behave badly. Dogs aren't like children, they don't need to learn self reliance and how to be productive members of society. Giving him less attention and less care is just going to make him an unhappy dog.

    I would be pretty tempted to put my foot down for the dog's sake if I were you. It sounds like your child is acting pretty selfishly.
     
  12. Callie

    Callie Always Dreaming of Disney Magic

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    1,560
    Similar thing happened with my sister. She graduated college, and came home to live with my mom a year while saving up for grad school. That November, my mom finally agreed to let us adopt a cat! Next August, she moved about 3 hours away and we all knew she had to take the kitten. Would help her not be lonely. It was terrible, I loved that little girl so much!
    I ended up with my own kitty a few months later.
    But in this situation I'd say offer to watch the dog while the child gets settled!
     
  13. StitchesGr8Fan

    StitchesGr8Fan DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2009
    Messages:
    3,888
    I was that kid too. I adopted a cat while living with my parents and then built a townhouse. The cat came with me. Needless to say she was miserable. She had bonded with my parents house and hated my "crapshack" (what I imagined she called it in her kitty head) I was home a lot and gave her attention, I even got her a friend, to no avail. She screamed bloody murder all night, every night. She would start at the bottom of the stairs and get closer and closer to the bedroom, screaming the whole time. After 18 months I gave up and took her for a sleepover at my parents house. She slept through the night and has lived there ever since. She did spend a week in my new house with me and DH while my parents were on vaycay, and sure enough the screaming started again. If my patents want to sell their house, the new owners are getting a cat!
     
  14. maelstrom

    maelstrom DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2006
    Messages:
    3,821
    When I moved out, I had to leave my cat with my parents. It was the best thing for her and she's very happy with them. She wouldn't be happy here in my tiny apartment with my husband's (well, our) cat. As much as I love her and miss her, staying with my parents was the best thing for her. That's what you do for the people, animals, etc that you love.
     
  15. ilovepcot

    ilovepcot <font color=purple>Caused the first ever Tag Fairy

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2004
    Messages:
    5,683
    Unfortunately, I have no advice to offer. I just hope you get to keep that dog and continue spoiling him. :goodvibes
     
  16. Callie

    Callie Always Dreaming of Disney Magic

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    1,560
    Another experience, my cousin has had a cat now for 10 years. I'm pretty sure he spends half his life with his grandma and grandpa! My cousin travels for work a lot (first few years she had him she didn't), so she brings him up here when they are gone, and since he doesn't travel well, he is here for months at a time. I think he enjoys both! Grandpa gives him a TON of attention. But he also enjoys going back to mom!
     
  17. kellyg403

    kellyg403 <font color=green>She changes friends like she cha

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Messages:
    5,364
    I currently have a 11 yo black lab/mutt that I have been 'babysitting' for 10 years! There is no way my dd would be able to take her now. DD got her the summer after high school and when she moved out the plan was to take her, but the fee for pets at the apt was high and we decided to keep her at our house. The visits to the 'pet' started becoming infrequent because like you said, with job, school and friends there was no time.

    The best thing that could happen is the dog stay with you. Honestly, I could do without all the dog hair, and now that she is older she is a bit cantankerous. But, she fits in with grandma and papa..we are a bit cranky ourselves. :rotfl:

    Kelly
     
  18. sue1013

    sue1013 <font color=teal>Haven't had a good Yodel in years

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2003
    Messages:
    2,010
    We were in the same situation a couple years ago. DS got a puppy in Feb of his senior year of college. He brought her home for us to see her I told him to leave the dog here since he would be coming back home in May and the dog would be living in my house I wanted her trained right. He was living with 6 other guys in a house I knew training would be minimal. He lived home for a little over a year then moved into an apartment with his gf and planned on taking the dog after they got settled in. They took her on the weekend. Monday he set up a web cam to watch her while he was at work. That's all it took he brought her back that night. He could see she was almost in a panic being left alone where she wasn't comfortable. I also think not having a yard, having to walk her everytime she wanted to go out was part of the reason but he never admitted to that. We told him we would take her back but when we went away it was his responsibility to take care of her. He loves the dog so he stays here when he needs to watch her.
    Of course it killed DH and I when she was gone for the weekend but things worked out. I had to bite my tongue to not say anything to DS about not having time for the dog but I knew he loved the dog and would figure out she was better off with us.
     
  19. JoiseyMom

    JoiseyMom <font color=orange>Have you had your SPANX today??

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2003
    Messages:
    7,157
    Do what my fil did with DH and his cat. Fil handed DH a roll of GSP tokens and said done! LMAO!

    The dog is yours. Tell your child this. Tell him you have paid for his care, food, vet, etc and taken care of him. He is yours. If he wants another dog he can go get another one. Bye bye!!
     
  20. SleepyMom

    SleepyMom DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2004
    Messages:
    1,948
    We got Dash 2 days before younger DD started 6th grade, he is her dog. Once she started school though, he was in my care all day long, and she was responsible for him evenings and weekends.

    He is now 7 1/2 years old and DD is away at her Freshman year of college, so this is something I have thought about and we have discussed. By the time she graduates, he will be 11 to 12 years old. I really feel he would not do well with a big change like moving and being alone all day at that age. He is used to me being home all day with him (yes he is spoiled). We haven't come to a final decision, but we still have a few years until we need to. I think we will both want the best for him at that time. He will always be her dog, even if he still lives with us.
     
  21. Tiggeroo

    Tiggeroo Grammar Nazi

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 1999
    Messages:
    10,674
    So the decision comes down to letting him try and take the dog and assuming he will figure out quickly its a bad idea. But he might not admit it. Or we have an honest talk ahead of time explaining why the dog should stay with us. If he doesn't agree then we get tough risking alienating our son just when he is leaving. None of these choices feels good. I had a disagreement with one child right before he moved out. It was awful. This child is in the I'm now a super responsible adult mode o er night. I'm very glad for him. But this dog wasn't raised to be home alone for hour. I won't be able to get the thought of him alone in a new space for hours and hours out of my head.
     

Share This Page