WWYD- Tired of Best Friend's Lame Excuses- Update Post #50, Final Post #76

[CdnCarrie]

Ah I see. Yes that does bite. I remember some people canceling after our final count was due for our wedding and we had to eat the costs.
In your friend''s case I'm thinking that maybe you think you're closer to your friend than she thinks you are. Sounds like the relationship is very one sided.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I would text back "Too bad, you're going to miss a great wedding" and let it go for now.

Since she's a dear friend, maybe get together after the wedding or have a conversation about how you were hurt about how she handled these two events and see what she says. Just to clear the air so your friendship can move past this.

 

[Julylady]

My brother has been married for 25 years and still holds a grudge again the 11 friends and family members who didn't show up to his wedding reception and they had to pay for the meal. To this day, he can name each and every one. OP, I would be upset too. I wouldn't even respond to her via text. I might think about posting a passive aggressive post on her Facebook account if she posts about a social event on the wedding day. Bottom line is she doesn't want to come and is making a bunch of flimsy excuses instead of being upfront with you. After the wedding I would wait for her to contact you (if ever). If she addresses the wedding situation, I would hear her out. If she doesn't, I would bring it up and tell her how you feel.

 

[HeatherC]

OP...I have had things like this happen so many times over the years and know how much it hurts.

My advice is simple really....Do Not let her actions take away from the excitement of your daughter's wedding and

Silence speaks louder than words.....really.

Don't even bother responding....she does not deserve any more of your time....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ah I see. Yes that does bite. I remember some people canceling after our final count was due for our wedding and we had to eat the costs.
In your friend''s case I'm thinking that maybe you think you're closer to your friend than she thinks you are. Sounds like the relationship is very one sided.

Yea, that is what I was thinking as well.

OP, if I were you I would just let it go and focus on your dd's happy day. I know money is tight and it really stinks she did this to you however I would look at it as the cost of exiting the friendship. A true friend would not treat you this way. (HUGS)

 

[cabanafrau]

OP...I have had things like this happen so many times over the years and know how much it hurts.

My advice is simple really....Do Not let her actions take away from the excitement of your daughter's wedding and

Silence speaks louder than words.....really.

Don't even bother responding....she does not deserve any more of your time....

Absolutely agree with this. Radio silence will speak volumes to her. She will lamely attempt to make it up to you -- along with incredible tales of tragedy and woe to excuse her behavior. Smile, nod, and move on.

It's my experience these types of people will pull out all the stops when their child marries or has a child and viciously resents anyone who can't attend those events for any reason. That is when I expect she will attempt broach the subject with you, because it suddenly becomes globally important when it's happening to her.

 

[barkley]

You most certainly can tell the caterer or the hall to pack up the leftover buffet food.

As far as everything else goes, text and FB is not going to help the situation. Sit down with her after the wedding face to face and talk things out if you feel a need to. Personally I think she would just stay in my rear view mirror...it's done.

the op needs to look at the contract for whomever is catering the event. it should say what the deal is w/leftover food.

many venues w/ catering as well as private caterers cannot permit leftover food to be taken because of local board of health regulations/their insurance coverage. the concern/legality has to do with improperly stored and transported food-the provider can guarantee it's safety at the time they serve it but not if they are not transporting it after the fact. in some places any food allowed to leave where it's served has to be in labeled containers (w/all the ingredients and such just like regular packaged food from a store) so vendors still won't do it (too big a legal hassle for them/their insurance doesn't cover it). usually there's a legal way to allow the wedding cake to go home w/guests or whomever the contract is with, but w/other prepared foods the provider can be looking at MAJOR fines (let alone loss of insurance) depending on local laws. the venue i worked for as a wedding planning (as well as the bulk in that highly popular wedding destination) had separate business entities for their restaurant's different divisions (sit in service, room service, catering) so while a person dining in the restaurant or eating room service could take their leftovers home (and we were o.k. legally/insurance wise), any catered events were absolutely prohibited from it.

 

[MrsDuck]

I wouldn't respond. Nor would I continue to be her friend.

 

[scrhsa]

I had a friend for nearly 30 years. This past year I have just let things go. If it can happen it has happened to her or her kids. I'm talking extreme things. One right after another. From divorce to her kids being in the emergency room/ doctors every other month. Money problems galore. If she has to travel for her "business" she will try to mooch a place to stay off of anyone she can find. She even begged on facebook for help in getting her kids Christmas presents. She is divorced yet doesn't have a job. I started to loose interest when my Dad died. She wanted to come to the funeral...great....but she kept hinting at needing a place to stay and expected me to put her up for the weekend. I'm sorry. Not gonna happen. This past year she lied about a VERY bad thing. The sad thing is...I'm not so sure she understands what she is doing. I really believe it is some form of Munchausen's. Luckily she lives in another city so I don't have to see her. I will not contact her for any reason. If she contacts me I will chat and talk in a non-committal way. I'm just going to let things peter out. I really don't want to get involved in any of her "stuff" anymore. I will continue to pray for her and hope the best for her. I still love her but I can't be apart of her life anymore. I have felt guilty over this...not believing what she has said and feeling like I am abandoning her. Heck, I even talked to my Priest about it. He basically said to just let it go.

Congratulations on the up coming wedding. Enjoy your family and the people who truly love you. It's really hard to let it go but you can do it. HUGS

 

[Sadie22]

OP, you cannot make other people do everything you want when you want. People really do have the right to change their minds, have temporary medical or financial issues which cause them to alter plans, and so on. Focus on your happy event and not on every penny and what every invitee is doing or not doing which does not suit you. You truly have no idea what is happening inside your friend's mind, home, and marriage.

 

[NewRVLady]

the op needs to look at the contract for whomever is catering the event. it should say what the deal is w/leftover food.

.

My son just had a lunch for baby's Christening in a restaurant. food was served "Family style"-platters at each table
They boxed up remaining food-they had leftovers for ages

Sorry this happened to you OP-I would simply not treat this person as a "friend" anymore

 

[NHdisneylover]

I would stop thinking of this person as a friend and start thinking of her as someone who was once a friend but is now just a casual acquaintance, and treat her accordingly (meaning, not just freeze her out, but not make plans, invite her to important things, go out of my way to have time for her, etc). Reading what you wrote, she is not really a friend anymore and has not been for a while, accept it and move on.

About the wedding? I would either not respond at all, or (more likely) send a short, basic reply saying "that't too bad, we were looking forward to seeing you" and then let it drop. If you cannot change what you are charged for catering at this point and someone who was invited would have a date or teen child etc you know they'd like to be able to bring, contact them and offer them the place (or, I would do that).

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with tina.tina - sometimes, friendships die a natural death, and I would be willing to be she has mental health issues. The facebook posts are probably a front to make her life seem more normal and happy than it really is. Something is definitely not right there, from what you've said. (If she went to the shower, then wedding, she'd have to actually talk to people, and then they might figure out her secrets. Sad, really.)

I would also just let it go with her at this point, and as others have said, see if someone else wants to bring a date or something. I wish you a wonderful time.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/8-things-people-with-hidden-depression.html

 

[HM]

Invite someone else to take her place at the wedding. Surely there is a nieghbor/friend that you didn't invite that saw your child grow up but you weren't particularly close to.

You could very well send her a note that tells of your disappointment with her behavior, but will it help? She is not the friend you thought she was. Cut her out of your life and you'll be a lot happier.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

BTW, OP, is this new or relatively new behavior for her?

You said you've been dear friends for 25 years. What were the first 20 like?

 

[JanaDee]

OP, you cannot make other people do everything you want when you want. People really do have the right to change their minds, have temporary medical or financial issues which cause them to alter plans, and so on. Focus on your happy event and not on every penny and what every invitee is doing or not doing which does not suit you. You truly have no idea what is happening inside your friend's mind, home, and marriage.

This. Stop thinking you know everything about her and what is going on with her. You don't.

 

[barkley]

My son just had a lunch for baby's Christening in a restaurant. food was served "Family style"-platters at each table
They boxed up remaining food-they had leftovers for ages

Sorry this happened to you OP-I would simply not treat this person as a "friend" anymore

yup. one of our local restaurants is VERY popular for get-togethers but how the food is ordered/contracted drives being able to take leftovers home. if it's ordered per plate or family style (so it's all served to the table) they can let people take it home. if it's buffett style they can't. they are REALY good at explaining this to their customers ahead of time though-and encourage the options that let people take leftovers (if it's a per plate deal w/say 3 meal options people have chosen ahead of time, they do a head count at the event and have the person amend their contract to have any extra orders made through their restaurant as 'to-go').

 

[Hrhpd]

OP, you cannot make other people do everything you want when you want. People really do have the right to change their minds, have temporary medical or financial issues which cause them to alter plans, and so on. Focus on your happy event and not on every penny and what every invitee is doing or not doing which does not suit you. You truly have no idea what is happening inside your friend's mind, home, and marriage.

Excellent advice.

Seems like the friendship has some rather big issues on both sides. Time to let it go.

 

[ibob52]

I would have no problem spending the money if she came. I am helping to pay for the wedding. I hate the thought of throwing away the $100.00 since I work so hard for it. I agree it should be none of my business about her financial problems, but she is the one whom is constantly moaning and groaning every time I talk to her. I am having medical problems, along with my husband, and spent over $5000 out of pocket last year. I didn't say a word until she cried that she had a $20.00 co-pay for her doctor visit. I don't want to hear how she has to go to the food pantry and put food back on the shelf because she can't afford it. Meanwhile, they just bought their 5th brand new tv, new IPAD, Keurig machine, 4 laptops, hot tub, 2 cars with every option, etc. in the past year. I guess that is what is irritating me and I need to know how to get over feeling this way. I tried to tell her nicely I did not want to talk about money, but she doesn't get it.

I'm also upset about her lame excuses. I have known her 25 years and thought of her as a sister, but now I wonder if I even know her. It really hurt me that she did this. I appreciate your thoughts as I don't want to rant and lose a friend, but I'm tired of being quiet all of the time.

Take a breathe and read these posts *when you calm down*

Sounds like the friendship is over and you are still hanging on.

There are no victims ... only volunteers.

Facebook ~ un friend

 

[okeydokey]

Your Friend has shown you what kind of a person she is. You used to be close, but you seem to be very different people now, and it's OK to not continue the relationship.

Please do not let this effect what should be a joyous day for your family. Enjoy the wedding.