August 2014 Department of Analysis and Redundancy Department Final Report In July 2014, a family of six from Delaware (with 4 children, including an infant) embarked on a journey deep into the American Southwest. Despite numerous repeated warnings concerning the heat, lack of facilities and emergency care in remote areas, and the numerous perils involved in traveling with a baby, this family pressed on, undaunted. The Analysis Team has reached the conclusion that this family is a bunch of idiots. The following report contains an unedited transcript of the daily journal kept by the father during their travels, discovered by our team in the aftermath. No attempt has been made by our Analysis Team to correct any grammatical mistakes, factual errors, obsolete information or generally stupid comments. In the same way, no attempt has been made to make the transcript legible, coherent, or entertaining. The goal is to present the information in honest, objective fashion, so that other families may learn from their mistakes and perhaps have the wisdom not to repeat their folly. As best as our team can tell, this family consists of 2 adults and 4 children. Adult (allegedly) #1: Mark, white male, age 39. Background collection (i.e. a Google search) reveals he is a highway engineer for the state of Delaware and a lifelong fan of Philadelphia sports teams, which gives insight into the quality of his decision-making abilities. Photo analysis reveals ever-changing facial hair and possible high cholesterol due to dietary choices (see decision-making abilities above). Adult #2: Julie, white female, age 29 and holding. Part-time teacher and full-time mother, also amateur photographer. She has been married to Mark for 16 years, which gives insight into the quality of her decision-making abilities. Photo analysis reveals incomparable beauty and...huh? Sorry, I got lost in thought for a second there. Ahem. Child #1: Sarah, white female, age 12. Full-time student. Enjoys the outdoors, hiking, arts & crafts, movies, and getting dirty in pursuit of the above. Child #2: David, white male, age 10. Full-time student. Enjoys sports, sports, sports, reading, sports, and possibly sports. Child #3: Scott, white male, age 8. Full-time student. Enjoys superhero and Star Wars movies, football, and cute cuddly animals. Background research shows a history of eccentric behavior that may have inspired a previous report by this Department. Child #4: Andrew (Drew), white male, age 6 months. Full-time mooch. Enjoys eating, burping, farting, pooping, puking, shrieking at inappropriate times. Definitely related to the father. Shows possible insomniac tendencies. Will manipulate others by charming them with a dazzling smile. The family does not appear to have been vigilant about posing for photographs together since the birth of the infant, but our researchers did un-earth this hastily-Photoshopped family portrait which nevertheless looks entirely natural: It appears that this family attempted to travel in circular fashionstarting in Las Vegas, heading north to Utah to see Bryce Canyon and Zion National Parks, then south to Arizona to visit the Grand Canyon and Phoenix, then abruptly heading west for California and a local tourist trap known as Disneyland before returning to Las Vegas. Again, this trip was attempted in the middle of the summer, in the desert, with a 6-month-old. What could possibly go wrong? This is the final report of the Department. Please follow standard security protocols when handling material of a sensitive nature. Coming Up Next: Departure Day. Or, Infant Care at 30,000 Feet.