Discussion in 'Budget Board' started by nhmommy, Apr 22, 2013.
I'm sorry. I hope you are able to recover some or all of it.
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Can you let everyone else in the family know of your suspicions? Everyone else should know so that they are aware as well.
So sorry you are going through this op. My brother is a recovered addict and at the height of his addiction, he stole every thing that was literally not nailed down.
I cut off ties with him when he stole the open boxes of my kids cereal!!
Really!! where the heck can you sell 1/2 boxes of kellogs coco krispies!!
Don't strangle him, believe me it's not worth the energy. let him know that he has destroyed the relationship and it will be eons before you trust him again.
I'm not sure that learning from the past = blaming the victim.
When my husband's sister was still dealing a lot with her active-heroin-user, convicted-bank-robber ex, she wanted us to help her get their kids daycare. Knowing her past of taking money and doing other things with it, or taking *things* that were offered b/c people thought she needed them and then selling it (countless old cars from her brothers, the family piano, etc), we knew better than to give her any money. I looked up daycare places for her, and found out that we could pay THEM. She did not accept that. I offered to provide daycare for the girls myself (in those days we truly thought we would end up in a family foster-to-adopt situation with them). She refused. And that ended the conversations about providing her with money for daycare, because, it turned out, she didn't want money *for daycare*, nor did she want daycare...she wanted MONEY.
When dealing with people like that, you have to adapt to the pattern at some point.
And leaving the brother out of the equation and hoping (?) that a stranger broke into the house and stole it, banks or jars of CASH are incredibly easy to steal for anyone with enough strength!
OP I'm sorry that happened. Even though we live in a pretty darned secure place, we keep the change jars *small*. I count the coins as they go in and keep track of them (this was because my own husband was raiding the jars several years back, and we came up with this to keep him from doing that), and as soon as I have enough for a roll, I roll it. Once I get enough rolls I put them in the bank. It's not as much fun as having a huge container containing an unknown amount of money, but it minimizes the loss should something happen. I recommend it.
I can only tell you my experience with something like this.
When I was 17, 2 of my friends came into my house and stole my cds, my video games and a ring that had belonged to my dead brother. Both girls were big time pot smokers, something I never saw the appeal in. I knew one was dabbling in other stuff. The one was my best friend and knew where the spare key was. We went to a sort of trade school during the morning and then back to regular school in the afternoon. They told me they weren't going back to "home" school but were going to the mall with 2 other girls. It wasn't unusual for kids that went to this second school to skip regular school so I didn't think much of it. This was on a Friday.
It was a Sunday before I noticed the things were missing (I thought I had misplaced my cds which were all in a big binder while setting up my new computer, I didn't play the video games that often and they were in a desk drawer and the ring was in a jewelry box that I obviously didn't look at all the time) I saw them both Monday and they lied to my face about where they had been the day (again with the mall story). Monday night I get a phone call from a girl I hadn't talked to in several years. She proceeds to tell me how she heard that these girls had bragged about getting my stuff and it worked its way to her and she wanted to let me know what was going on. Now this girl had no idea my brother had died so when she said "..and your brothers ring" I figured this wasn't just stirring the pot, there had to be some validity to it as these 2 girls were the only ones out of my friends that knew about the ring. I hung up with the girl that called, went upstairs, saw the ring was missing and freaked the hell out.
I told my mom what she said and in a fury called my best friends house and when her mother picked up I started screaming "WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON? WHERE'S MY STUFF? WHAT'S YOUR DAUGHTER DOING?? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? DO YOU KNOW SHE DOES WHAT SHE DOES?!" and on and on. My mom had to take the phone from me and told my friend's mom what we'd heard. She basically said "We know how your daughter can be, probably more than you do, so do what you have to do to try to get the truth out of her."
This all happened late Monday night so Tuesday we went to the police station to file the report. The girl who was my best friend had a previous arrest for shop lifting so her name was in the computer. I don't know if it was that which tipped the scale but we sat down with an officer to file a more detailed report. He turned out to be a distant cousin of my mother's. I had to list everything that was stolen and give as much detail as possible. Right at his desk I had to list every cd I remembered, every game I remembered, and approximate valuations (like $10 per cd, and I had seen the receipt for the ring which is a long story in itself, and it was over $1000) He told us very straight out that as the house hadn't been "broken into" traditionally, like no forced entry, and that all the evidence I had was just talk that nothing normally came out of a case like this. He then said that he'd see what he could do.
Over the next couple weeks little bits and pieces of the story started coming out. Another girl who went to this trade school thing went to the principal type person and I was called to her office. She told me she was the person who was driving, and that it wasn't 4 girls, just her and these 2. She said that my best friend said that she'd left a hoodie at my house that she wanted to get. The hoodie had been at my house, that much was true. She claimed that she didn't know they had taken anything else, just that it'd taken them 10 or 15 minutes to "find the hoodie". The principal had her call the police station and tell them all this, but I wasn't allowed to stay in the room. Then I get a letter in the mail from the best friend, saying basically "I didn't do it but I was sort of involved...". I took that to the police station. I had to do whatever I could you know? I didn't actually see the officer/cousin guy again, I just left it with the reception person and she said she'd give it to him.
About a week after that, he calls my mother and says "I went to both of their houses and sat with them and their parents. They were intimidated enough to spill it, although both tried to blame the other as far as whose idea it originally was." They had tried to sell it all, and I can only assume it was for drugs. They said that no one would buy the cds without cases, the games they were able to sell but since there aren't really pawn shops around here they tried to take the ring to a jewelry store and sell it but left when the manager got suspicious how 2 17 year olds had a ring like this trying to sell it. I got a few of the cds back and the ring (which was obvious the most important thing).
After all this, they were charged with petty larceny. Had they not returned the ring, it would have been enough to charge them with grand larceny which would have been a felony. I never went to court myself, my mom went because I was barely able to speak around them without wanting to physically go after them (we didn't have any classes actually together, and the officer had said to just steer clear of them in the halls at school). My mom said that the best friend and parents apologized profusely, but the other girl refused to speak to her, only the mother tried to offer an explanation of being a single parent and just didn't know what was wrong with the daughter. Both were convicted of petty larceny and given probation. The best friend was given 2 years as she had a previous offense and I don't recall what the other girl was given.
I know the best friend continued stealing as when her parents divorced, her mom and brother moved 2 streets down from me and I babysat him a few times, and the mother told me she wouldn't allow her daughter in the house because she'd stolen from her (the mom) repeatedly. I don't know where she is nowadays. The other girl died about 3 years ago from an overdose, leaving behind a daughter. I suppose it's better that everything happened when it did because it apparently only got worse for the both of them.
So...if you've made it through that whole poopshow I tell the story to say I think I had a bit more information and shall we say "evidence" to go on that you, OP, and it was still a fight and a fairly long process to get anywhere with it. I think if we hadn't been assigned the officer/cousin, nothing would have come of it. With what was stolen from you essentially being something that couldn't prove was yours because it was cash, I'm not sure what anyone would be able to do for you. That being said, try anyway. If you see him, guilt him. Report him. You don't know what can be done until you try.
It most definitely is blaming the victim. IN MY HOUSE I have the right to have a water cooler jug full of marbles, money, macaroni whatever without some one stealing it.
Should I have to hide my lap top because some one may steal it? what about my ipads and phones.
Sorry I am not about to live some underground, secret spy life because I can't have material items in my own house.
what I will do is make who evers sorry backside who does steal from me life so darn miserable they will think long and hard before doing it again. From putting in a full page ad in the paper informing society of the cretin to getting them locked up, to getting a pit bull to chew your sorry carcass into pieces the next time you dare step in my house.
*** grrr*** sorry for the rant but imo that's along the same lines as saying its a womens fault she got raped because she was wearing a short skirt.
OP, it's your house, you have the right to expect safety and freedom from being a victim IN YOUR HOUSE!!
You have the right but you also have to understand the people who come into your space. If one is a known thief then you don't leave cash on the counter. Unfortunately.
Comparing it to rape is a push of an analogy. But if you want to go there, if you bring a known rapist into your home you don't leave them alone with your teen age daughter. Even though she has the right to safety.
Sadly, a lot of people who steal won't think long and hard about what they did. For many it's an addiction. We've gone through this with my step daughter's bio mom. You could have had a video of her doing it and she would turn things around to think you were crazy for thinking she would steal. She was a total clepto, yet would tell stories about others stealing and how bad it was, give kids the talk about never stealing, etc. Seriously??? LOL
I think some people honestly do not think they are doing anything wrong and nothing you do will make them see that. So yes, just keep them out of your house and away from your things.
My dad dealt with my uncle stealing from him almost his whole life. I have no advice because I know it's such a hard situation - just wanted to send hugs to the OP
My brother is in trouble with the law right now and no one knows where he is when I find him,and Im now actively looking I can get him arrested for what he did before so either way he will pay. He wasn't invited into my home he came when no one was home. And I have had a bank of change in my closet for years and had a brother that was a little thief for even longer then that but I live in a house that it would be really easy to get caught so I'm surprised he would have the nerve, but he has done enough I guess he doesn't care any more.
When I find him I wouldn't be surprised to find he hasn't bothered to get rid of the bank he's dumb like that, But he will pay either way because he is on my radar now and I am actually looking for him rather then just letting it run it's course.
Thank you everyone for the support I know I'm not going to get the money back and I feel much better that I'm not the only one with crappy thieving family members.
That's exactly my point! Op could hide every single t hing of value until the cows come home and believe me a thief or addict will find it. SHE isn't the problem, her house isn't the problem.
IMO, my house is my sanctuary. Now I don't know if op's brother has an addiction problem, my experience was with a brother with a cocaine addiction.
So how far do you go? like I said, my brother got to the point where he stole open boxes of cereal.
so she locks up the change, he steals the tv. you lock up the tv, He steals the radio, on and on. That's exactly what happen when my parents tossed my brother out. My parents had locks on their BEDROOM and my father had an ephinany, this was ridiculous, no one should have to lock their bedroom door every time you leave because you're worried that a thief is going to steal. YOU arrest the thief.
My brother has been clean and somber for 10 years now and he is still not allowed in my house. I did let him in my backyard for a 4th of July picnic when my son graduated. sorry I'm not going around hiding Christmas gifts because a criminal "might" steal from me. most of my other siblings won't allow him in either and when he claims he has been clean and sober we remind him that this is the situation HE created so 'dems the brakes.
Maybe the rapist thing is a stretch, my apologies, but I say the same thing with that analogy. Nope, not going to stop wearing short skirts. What I will do is blow your carcass clear across the country Ala dirty harry if you even think about touching me, or at the very least one of us will be walking funny. (and yep, I'm a card carrying member of the nra )
I will concede I do have an alarm system and a big ole german sheppard so maybe that's the same thing.
So the issue is NOT to change your space. Her space is absolutely fine. The solution is to change who comes into that space.
I think sometimes it is hard to see what lengths people will go to especially when they are family. We got to the point with my teen stepdaughter (who is now in college and healthy so there is hope!) that we had to put a key lock on our bedroom door and move EVERYTHING of value into it as well as medications we couldn't give up, and anything dangerous etc. Once she broke into my mom's car and stole a bottle of tylenol and proceeded to take it all, and on another she smashed her bathroom mirror so she could cut herself and damage things in her room and the house (our pictures etc). None of her counselors, therapist etc. ever said to us don't have a mirror in our house, or check your guest's locked cars for medications. After cleaning her room out after the last time she ran away I found all kinds of stolen items not things of value just regular household and personal items, turns out she liked the drama of the rest of us running around trying to find that thing we put down a minute ago. I never would have thought leaving a hair scrunchy or the other kids leaving toys around would be an invitation to steal. I mean she took a pair of my shoes, and not borrowed, they would have never fit. Just took them and hid them in her room for months.
Having a change jar in your closet isn't like leaving a pile of jewels on your kitchen table. But the real point is the problem isn't the things you have but the person you let in your house. You don't know how far they will go and it will probably be further than you can imagine. The only way to regain any sense of saftey is to get this man out of your house until (hopefully) you can trust him again.
I am going to make a suggestion that has worked well for us.
Wildlife Cameras- get one.
While our situation is different, we had someone steal from us and caught it on camera.
We live on a farm, we grow Christmas trees, pecans, eggs, and a few other things.
Our farm is not open to the public.
First, we did not even realize at that someone had stolen from us.
This person (a neighbor- a nice family man who owns around 1,000 acres of land and former state police officer and pillar of our small rural community )
drove into one of our fields with a friend, walked to the middle of the field, and cut down a tree, threw it in his truck and then left with it.
We would not have known of his "visit" had it not been for the Wildlife Cameras (motion-activated still-digital photography ) that we station around our farm to provide us a record of activity when we are not present. (We both work full time off the farm in addition to working our farm.)
We had photos of his truck coming and going into a restricted area- license plate number, what they were wearing, the tree in the back- the whole thing.
Then, the friend he had with him began working with my husband and told him that he had been out to "your beautiful place" and seen it-
and had gotten a Christmas tree in the bargain- but he thought they had cut it off our neighbor's land- not ours.
(yeah, 200 yards inside our property line
What can I say, people are stupid.
Let me say that the 'perp' in this situation has been a good neighbor for 15 years,
and this is not the first time he's cut a tree off us while he thought nobody was looking.
I personally saw him do it about 10 years ago when he didn't know I was watching, and he didn't know that we had purchased the land he was poaching on and let it slide then.
It is surprising what good folk will do when they think nobody is looking, so theft isn't necessarily the action of drug dealers and addicts alone.
We chose not to pursue the matter any further, other than a nice neighborly chat about how his visit in his red truck with his friend was caught by our wildlife camera.
Hey, if Mr. Wealthy Landowner is that desperate for a free Christmas tree, than he is more desperate than I am and he can keep what he took this time.
I want a good relationship with all my neighbors, but mark my words- this will not happen again.
So now, not only do we have multiple Wildlife Cameras around our property- well disguised- we also have posted signage that tells people the area is under surveillance 24 hours a day- with big red eyeballs on the sign.
And that has done a lot to deter nee'r-do-wells and nice neighbors that might steal from us. They never know where or when they are being watched on our property.
I've seen curious people drive down our 1/2 mile driveway, looking for stray hunting dogs or some such thing (who knows- they could be casing the place) , see the signs, and literally turn right around and leave.
And if someone does come out and manage to abscond with something, we'll have water-tight evidence as to who it was and when they did it.
And we will be prosecuting to the fullest extent of the law ~
I'm sorry that happened to you and your family.
A police officer spoke to my sons Boy Scouts pack and said that in our area, people are breaking into homes and stealing change jars. I moved mine off of the refrigerator which could be seen through the window. I know yours was hidden OP, but this is just an FYI to everyone else.
My family definitely knows how you feel so happy to listen to some venting-we have similar situations on both sides. All I can tell you is to try to focus on positive in your life and count your blessings, and think about how to move forward. My father had all of his college money stolen by his father (my grandfather) - and it was his money (literally thousands of dollars, from jobs), not my grandfather's- this eventually required him to move back to our hometown so he could live with his aunts and uncles (on his mom's side), and work a fulltime schedule of manual labor in addition to going to school fulltime at a local college. He eventually became a NASA physicist. And I never learned about the theft until I was much older b/c my dad and mom always wanted me to focus on good people. On my mother's side, her parents ran a VERY successful small business, but essentially all of the proceeds went into investing in the latest crazy business ventures of his wife's brothers (my great uncles), and then even more often giving them money for living expenses when the next venture inevitably failed. Obviously part of "moving forward" is !you should take efforts to avoid these situations in future, but also remember to focus on positive in your life and the good people in your life. Whether you fully have a full "piggy bank" of blow money for Disney, you still have a Disney trip you can afford- which many do not, and there are some very neat "free" extras at Disney - such as the animation class at dhs, where you get to keep the artwork, or the building at epcot future world with free samples of sodas around the world, or the kidcot and agent p activities at Epcot. And there are the free "special celebration" pins at Disney (birthday, etc) - which ensures you get constant extra greetings from cast members (maybe your kids are even "close" to a birthday?)
Wildlife camera is a great idea. I was thinking of security camera that I can view online but I think the wildlife camera would work just as well for my purposes and cost less maybe.
Thanks and yes I was just thinking about being grateful that I still have plenty for meals and such I am just one who is very tight so I figured that I could "waste" some of the change money on snacks treats and souvenirs that I would never spend otherwise.I will be purchasing a couple Disney gift cards before we go to use as waste money because just because he stole some money I'm not going to let him steal my enjoyment of the trip.
First I would definitely report this to the police. They have a way of getting the truth out of someone. Second, have you checked with your homeowners insurance to see if they will cover the theft?
Yes - definitely not alone. Just because he'll 'pay' for his crimes doesn't mean it won't happen again, and soon. I think it's now time to look into better locks for your windows and doors so that it is MUCH more difficult for him to accomplish next time around.
Good for you! Life is too short to let negative/destructive people take our precious time too!
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