Paying for BFF's trip. What are my obligations? Update Post #47

[2kidsForMe]

I need some advice from fellow Dis Boarders. My Best friend and and I live on separate coasts. She's in CA and I'm in Ma. She is a Disneyland nut, and goes with her 9 year old son all of the time. They frequently stay, just the two of them for 2-5 days at a time, in a hotel. She works hard, and money is tight, but this is a splurge and she loves to do this with her son. Her DH really doesn't like Disney, them parks, or people much for that matter LOL. He's a bit of a recluse, and honestly kinda grouchy all of the time. So they just go by themselves. All of the time. I recently inherited a small amount of money from an elderly relative's passing. My BFF's dream has been to go to Disney World with my kids and I, but she couldn't afford the trip. I decided that I would like to make that happen, and offered to fly her and her son to Orlando this spring. I would get her the plane tickets, rooms, park tickets and a quick service dining plan. My kids and I would meet her, and we would have a great once in a life time trip! My DH was fine with it, since he really didn't want to go. I just received a text from her that her DH wants to go. I don't blame him. I was hoping for a girl's only trip though, but of course I would respect their wishes. Ok, to get to the point, What is my financial obligation to her DH. Since I offered to pay for her and her son, do I need to include DH? I don't want to be insensitive, but we had never discussed husbands when we dreamed about going together, since the guys were not into it at all. I should note that I have flown out to CA several times to go to DL with her and her son. We stay in hotels, eat out, etc.. and her husband never joins us. If I am being honest, the wind has been taken out of my sails, because if her DH is coming, it won't be the same. Sorry for the long post....

 

[CalDisneyMomof2]

If she's your BFF, I'm sure she will totally understand that your intentions were to pay for her and her son and NOT her husband. Just be honest with her. It isn't your responsibility to pay for him. Maybe she thinks you will offer and when you don't he won't want to go afterall.

That is kind of a bummer that it was supposed to be a girlfriends and kids trip and now it may not be. Will your husband want to go if her DH is going? I just don't see that as fair for him to invite himself and kind of mess up the moms and kids only dynamic. I would just be honest with it all to your BFF.

 

[2kidsForMe]

I think as much as it pains me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be honest with her. I don't want to go if her DH goes. I would feel like my kids and I were tagging along on THEIR family vacation. I was hoping for a very special trip, girls and kids. My DH can't go, and he really doesn't want to. My BFF's hubby is hard to be around.

 

[avic77]

Just be honest and tell her. If you did not explicitly state girls only explain you didnt mean for there to be a misunderstanding but you had planned this as a girlfriends and kids.

 

[focusondisney]

I need some advice from fellow Dis Boarders. My Best friend and and I live on separate coasts. She's in CA and I'm in Ma. She is a Disneyland nut, and goes with her 9 year old son all of the time. They frequently stay, just the two of them for 2-5 days at a time, in a hotel. She works hard, and money is tight, but this is a splurge and she loves to do this with her son. Her DH really doesn't like Disney, them parks, or people much for that matter LOL. He's a bit of a recluse, and honestly kinda grouchy all of the time. So they just go by themselves. All of the time. I recently inherited a small amount of money from an elderly relative's passing. My BFF's dream has been to go to Disney World with my kids and I, but she couldn't afford the trip. I decided that I would like to make that happen, and offered to fly her and her son to Orlando this spring. I would get her the plane tickets, rooms, park tickets and a quick service dining plan. My kids and I would meet her, and we would have a great once in a life time trip! My DH was fine with it, since he really didn't want to go. I just received a text from her that her DH wants to go. I don't blame him. I was hoping for a girl's only trip though, but of course I would respect their wishes. Ok, to get to the point, What is my financial obligation to her DH. Since I offered to pay for her and her son, do I need to include DH? I don't want to be insensitive, but we had never discussed husbands when we dreamed about going together, since the guys were not into it at all. I should note that I have flown out to CA several times to go to DL with her and her son. We stay in hotels, eat out, etc.. and her husband never joins us. If I am being honest, the wind has been taken out of my sails, because if her DH is coming, it won't be the same. Sorry for the long post....

I think as much as it pains me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be honest with her. I don't want to go if her DH goes. I would feel like my kids and I were tagging along on THEIR family vacation. I was hoping for a very special trip, girls and kids. My DH can't go, and he really doesn't want to. My BFF's hubby is hard to be around.

I don't blame you for not wanting to on the trip now. I don't think you have any choice but to tell her you are not interested in going if her husband is planning on going. Maybe suggest she let you know if she ever wants to plan a girls & kids trip. But I wouldn't offer to pay for her again-- apparently she has no problem overstepping the boundaries of your generosity.

 

[2kidsForMe]

Yeah, when I made the initial offer, I framed it as a girls only trip. I asked her if her DH could spare her for a week sometime this Spring. I know Disney World is a great family trip, but if I'm paying, which I am totally fine with, then it needs to be my vacation too LOL. Thanks for the replies.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I agree, be frank. This was supposed to be a girl's trip and her husband sounds like a drag. It was really nice of you to offer to treat her and her son; I wonder if she's as good a friend as you say to have the nerve to invite her husband along. Good luck.

 

[Colleen27]

You obviously have no obligation to pay for the husband, but I'll be the voice of dissent here - I wouldn't even have extended the invite for a first and probably only trip to Disney World if it hinged on the assumption that the kids' father wouldn't also want to be there. I wouldn't have assumed that lack of interest in going to DLR over and over again with his wife & son would automatically translate into a lack of desire to share his son's first/only WDW trip with him. All you can do now is be honest with your friend and accept that the joint trip just isn't in the cards.

 

[chocolatemint]

Is it possible her husband is pressuring her to come along, and she is asking just to please him but hoping you say no? I think that's the best possible scenario. Otherwise your friend isn't much of a friend, to ask you to pay for her DH too after such a generous offer.

Just tell her you haven't budgeted for him or the additional room needed (I would not sleep in the same room with my friend's dh). It's true, since you only budgeted to bring her and her son. I think once her DH realizes he'll have to pay for his own room/tickets/plane ticket he'll change his mind.

I'd not bring up the grumpy husband, as that could drive a wedge between you.

Sorry, that stinks.

 

[Angeejoe]

I need some advice from fellow Dis Boarders. My Best friend and and I live on separate coasts. She's in CA and I'm in Ma. She is a Disneyland nut, and goes with her 9 year old son all of the time. They frequently stay, just the two of them for 2-5 days at a time, in a hotel. She works hard, and money is tight, but this is a splurge and she loves to do this with her son. Her DH really doesn't like Disney, them parks, or people much for that matter LOL. He's a bit of a recluse, and honestly kinda grouchy all of the time. So they just go by themselves. All of the time. I recently inherited a small amount of money from an elderly relative's passing. My BFF's dream has been to go to Disney World with my kids and I, but she couldn't afford the trip. I decided that I would like to make that happen, and offered to fly her and her son to Orlando this spring. I would get her the plane tickets, rooms, park tickets and a quick service dining plan. My kids and I would meet her, and we would have a great once in a life time trip! My DH was fine with it, since he really didn't want to go. I just received a text from her that her DH wants to go. I don't blame him. I was hoping for a girl's only trip though, but of course I would respect their wishes. Ok, to get to the point, What is my financial obligation to her DH. Since I offered to pay for her and her son, do I need to include DH? I don't want to be insensitive, but we had never discussed husbands when we dreamed about going together, since the guys were not into it at all. I should note that I have flown out to CA several times to go to DL with her and her son. We stay in hotels, eat out, etc.. and her husband never joins us. If I am being honest, the wind has been taken out of my sails, because if her DH is coming, it won't be the same. Sorry for the long post....

I'd say something like "hey I know that WDW is often a family trip & your DH is wanting that family trip. I know he's never shown interest in Disney & now he is, that must be exciting for u & your son! I think we will bow out on this trip so you can enjoy your family trip. Let's talk soon to plan our future girls trip!"

Short & sweet. Then if she says oh well now he doesn't want to go, then you can decide how to proceed.

 

[ibob52]

Trust your intuition ... because ... well you know ... it wasn't planned as that kind of party.

I've had to put my foot down a few times ... when my trip plans were proposed to be altered.

Bottom line ... I knew how I was gonna feel and my vacation is suppose to be F.U.N.

 

[gopher101]

Just tell her the truth, she is an adult and old enough to hear it. I told my 13yr old niece no when she said she wanted to go with me (I am taking her younger brother), she doesn't spend anytime with me unlike her brother, so I just told her why. The truth is the best.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I'd say something like "hey I know that WDW is often a family trip & your DH is wanting that family trip. I know he's never shown interest in Disney & now he is, that must be exciting for u & your son! I think we will bow out on this trip so you can enjoy your family trip. Let's talk soon to plan our future girls trip!"

Short & sweet. Then if she says oh well now he doesn't want to go, then you can decide how to proceed.

Great suggestion.

 

[Marionnette]

Yeah, when I made the initial offer, I framed it as a girls only trip. I asked her if her DH could spare her for a week sometime this Spring. I know Disney World is a great family trip, but if I'm paying, which I am totally fine with, then it needs to be my vacation too LOL. Thanks for the replies.

Since the original offer was for a "girls only trip", and that's what you anticipated paying for, I don't think that you would be in the wrong if you rescinded your offer based on her husband tagging along. A third adult means increased room costs, an additional ticket, dining plan fees and airfare. It would be presumptuous for her to expect you to alter the plans and pay the additional cost to accommodate her husband and it puts you in the awkward position of being a third wheel on HER family vacation. Just be honest and tell her that funding her family vacation and tagging along was not what you had in mind when you extended the offer.

 

[CarrieR]

I'm a bit of a wuss, so I'd try the gentle way before being point blank with her. "Hey BFF! That's so exciting that your DH wants to go to Disney with you guys! My concern is that I'd budgeted (planned) for this as a girls' trip, so if he wants to come, we'll need to talk about the finances of the whole thing." That opens the door to finding out if they'd expected you to pay for the DH also - which is absolutely NOT an obligation you have. If she does, I'd make it clear that's not in the budget. Period, end of story. If her response is, "Oh, we'd figured DH would need to pay for his own ticket," then you end up back in sticky territory of needing to be point-blank. "Hey, I'd thought about it a little more and I don't want to encroach on your family vacation. Why don't you & DH take DS, have a great time, you and I can go with the kids another time!" But introducing the idea that it changes the financial/planning logistics gives *her* the opportunity to have a "duh" moment and realize how much the addition/change impacts you.

My regular Disney-touring group is a few single girlfriends... there are three of us and so we often have a rotating fourth. Sometimes the fourth is a married friend looking for a girls' getaway. If we'd ever planned that, and then one of the friends wanted to have their DH come along, I wouldn't forbid them but it would change things - second hotel room, for starters. I'd personally end up coaching the trip as, "This is what we're going to do (send schedule,) you & DH are welcome to join us or do your own thing - whatever you'd like." It would definitely be a dynamic change, though, and I would probably have an open dialogue with friends over that.

Twice I HAVE traveled with married couples - and actually, both times I've shared the room (once was my BFF's parents and the other time her brother & SIL) - not my favorite but it was financially what worked for all of us. They are like extended family for me, so it was okay. Anyways, both times we spent maybe 20% of our time together and the other 80% of the time BFF & I were off doing our own thing. There was an unspoken understanding that people would be coming/going at all hours and sleep/naps might be interrupted. With four adults, that was not so much an issue - but throw kids into the mix and it might cause major problems.

I share all of that anecdotally in case BFF manages to talk you into doing a vacation where her family gets a room, your family gets a room, and you all hang together - just some things to think about as you try to plan the logistics of that.

I hope you're still able to have your trip!!

 

[Angeejoe]

Great suggestion.

Thanks!

 

[alliecat523]

Honestly, it feels like the DH only wants to go because he thinks he's getting a free trip from you. I would definitely be honest because I don't think it will be enjoyable for anyone if he comes along.

 

[sksjasams]

Aw, that's too bad. This is a really tricky situation now.
You will not be happy and it will not be the same if her DH comes along, even if he pays for himself. So, there is really no reason to bring that up as an option.
If you back out, you know they will not be able to go at all due to their lack of funding. That puts your BFF in a tough spot because her DH will know you are only cancelling because of him.
Its too bad that your BFF didn't make it completely clear that this was a girls/kids trip before she even mentioned it to him.
So sorry things took a turn...

 

[brazzledazzler]

It sounds like her DH only wants to go because he doesn't have to pay for it! ...which sounds awful, but the way you describe him.....

I agree with the other posters, it was offered as a GIRLS & KIDS ONLY trip. And it's a magical idea and a great way for you and her to have some quality time together. If she doesn't want that, then that is a shame, but you should NOT feel guilty about not bringing her husband. She is your BFF, she'll understand.

 

[DawnM]

Were you planning to get 2 rooms or will this force you to get 2 rooms.

An added person, added room, added food, and added plane ticket would be way over the top.

I would just say you had hoped for a girls only trip as your DH isn't going and you didn't invite him because you knew he didn't like Disney AND you didn't have the $$ to pay for an additional person.

Dawn