Haven't read through all the replies, but here's our recent experience with DS17....
He's always been a decent enough student- Cs, B's, occasional A but getting him to do homework has always been a struggle. I have often wanted to bang my head because he'd get A's and B's on most of his tests and lower grades on report cards because of 0's on homework.
We tried taking stuff away, you can't do XYZ til all your homework is done, threats, bribes, etc. 2nd quarter this year, DS said if we'd only lay off him, he'd promise his grades would be better, so we tried that. Ok, all up to him. End of the quarter, he's nearly failed 2 subjects and had a 37 in another.
No, it was not pretty.
We have had a HORRIBLE past couple months. Fights, depression, just really awful for all of us. Out of that though, DS was finally able to express (and/or we actually asked the right question.
) where he was having problems. Several rounds with counselors and social worker and many hours of testing with a neuropyschologist- come to find out, the kid's got a learning issue. His entire academic career makes SO much more sense to us now. He's been working with a teacher at the learning center at school and will be learning some different strategies through the neuropysch doctor... this was 20 pounds lifted from my shoulders and I think 50 lifted off his. No kidding, we went out for ice cream to celebrate the eureka moment!
I obivously don't know what is up with your daughter, but here's what I wish someone had told me with DS.
1. Talk to him with open mind to find out what the problem actually is. "Unmotivated" and "doesn't care" generally has a root cause. Of course kids get that good grades generally equal more chances for success. Is there something bigger than that going on that pushes them to "other problem is too big for me, so I just don't care."
Does he not understand the material, not have the right materials at hand, need a quieter place to study, doesnt' know where to start the project, has a teacher not giving him enough info what the project is to be, etc.
2. Parents may not be the best ones to do #1. You've got a vested interest and it's hard to actually listen for what you need to hear. I'm not sure a psychologist is the best one either, unless there's a good level of comfort and trust already.
Is there another trusted adult she can go to- a teacher, another parent, aunt, pastor, etc? It could even be a peer. The understanding has to be that person is going to reply her message to the parents.
(I just know often times DS needs to talk things all the way out til HE figures out what the problem is... and well frankly I'm not patient enough to keep quiet that long. DS was able to talk the whole thing through witha friend, who could then tell us the short version of the problem matter of factly.)
3. Trust your gut. Alot of people told us we were overreacting, DS was acting like a typical teen. They weren't seeing the dispair in his eyes though. We pushed through for testing, figuring what is the worst to come out of it- they tell us we have a typical teen.
4. Tell them you love them. In the middle of our horrible 2 months, DS wrote me a note that he wished I still loved him.
In my mind, of course I did, otherwise I'd not be fighting so hard on his behalf. In his mind, though, I was just yelling at him.
For us, what was finally the break through was realizing that the teacher he had the most trouble (and the 37) in was an extreme of a particular type of teaching style. Other teachers along the way are somewhat that way- DS would do poorly in those parts, but did well enough in the other parts of the class to average out well. This one teacher is an all or nothing sort though, and it's the sort DS has trouble with. Once we were looking for the right thing- it was pretty obvious that is where he needs some help. We'd been just throwing out "solutions"/threats hoping one would work, but none of them had anything to do with what his problem actually was.
Hope that helps some!