OT - Would you buy a wedding gift for this couple?

Discussion in 'Budget Board' started by PigletsMommy, Jun 22, 2009.

  1. PigletsMommy

    PigletsMommy Mouseketeer

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    I just got an invitation to a 'wedding' in the mail for July and I'm having a some issues for it. Its a friend of the family thru DH's side.

    The couple is already married. They have lived together for well over a year and had a baby last December. They eloped almost 4 months ago about 2 seconds after his divorce was final. Yes that means they were living together & had a baby while he was still married to someone else.

    I am trying not to be judgemental but the biggest problem that I have is included in the invitation is a note to where the couple is registered at. I could understand if this were a vow-renewal or even just a reception to celebrate, but to be calling it a wedding and asking for gifts is a little much for me. Maybe I'm being a little old fashioned but this just seems crazy to me.

    I guess I should also mention that DH is DJ-ing for them at an extremely reduced rate. His offer was free but they said they will pay him, we still dont know exactly how much. So I dont know if we should be getting them gifts since he is doing this...and I'm also having some moral issues with their decisions.
     
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  3. msmayor

    msmayor Finding my beach...

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    Simple solution: even if they offer your DH money to DJ, have him refuse to accept it and tell them that his DJ services are their gift from you both as they celebrate.

    In my opinion, that's all that's necessary.
     
  4. kimsuenew

    kimsuenew DIS Veteran

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    Hi! I must say, in this situation, I would RSVP "our regrets" and send a nice card (but would not buy a gift), but as your DH is their DJ not going is not an option for you. Personally, even if I chose to ignore the fact that they began a life together while he was someone else's husband, :scared1: I could not forget the fact they are already legally married and have been for several months! :rotfl: Gees, IMHO a "wedding" 4 months after you were married just sort of screams 'We want gifts"! I figure your husbands freebie, or reduced rate DJ gift, (which I seriously doubt they will pay him but perhaps they will) can suffice as the gift! Again, I would buy a lovely card and be done! Good luck! :goodvibes
     
  5. michellejed

    michellejed DIS Veteran

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    They are having a celebration of their marriage and a gift is always nice but not necessary.

    Even if you don't agree with the life style, would a small gift be too much to give?

    If it was me I would bring a token gift and have a good time helping them celebrate a new chapter in their lives.
     
  6. spare+a_pair

    spare+a_pair Mouseketeer

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    If you are going to attend, I would buys something small - not nessesarily on thier register. Perhaps a candle or picture frame - something in the $10 - $20 range? If they have been living together, then they obviously have all of the neccesities anyway, so some "token" gift - that you get super cheap on clearance :rotfl: - would be more than adequate. :lmao:
     
  7. Bren's Mom

    Bren's Mom DIS Veteran

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    If your dh is going to be their DJ I think that makes things simpler for you. RSVP 'no' for you...since dh will be busy all night DJ'ing and you're not inclined to celebrate this 'wedding' much. And consider dh's DJ'ing at a reduced rate their 'gift'. You don't owe them anything else. :goodvibes
     
  8. i3utterfli82

    i3utterfli82 Disneyliscious

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    Yes I would. Call it a wedding, celebration, whatever- they are hosting an event which you have been invited to and a gift would be the polite thing to do. It is pretty common to have those registries with the invitation so I don't know why this would be any different.

    Let their past go too.
     
  9. Bren's Mom

    Bren's Mom DIS Veteran

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    It might be 'common' where you are but it's a total etiquette no-no in a wedding invitation. A shower invite, wedding or baby, yes...but a wedding invite itself...NO WAY.
     
  10. Smile4Me

    Smile4Me DIS Veteran

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    I would refuse payment and definitely offer your DH's djing as the gift. Write it in a card with your congratulations and leave it at that. If they try to pay him, ask him to politely refuse. If that won't work, get a nice frame or photo album that says Family or something like that at your local craft store, Target, or Walmart and be done!
     
  11. i3utterfli82

    i3utterfli82 Disneyliscious

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    Obviously this isn't a huge formal affair...

    To the OP, if you are struggling so much with the gift, I would suggest you just not go. As suggested above, have your husband give his DJing services as the "gift".
     
  12. PrincessDreams2

    PrincessDreams2 Mouseketeer

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    I agree with this poster. Just let the other stuff go.
     
  13. pixiewings71

    pixiewings71 <marquee><font color=deeppink>Sweet!!! Totally!!!!

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    When exactly are you supposed to let people know where you're registered? Wondering because I'm pretty sure my BFF is going to include registry information in her invitations....and every wedding invite I've received lately has had registry information included.

    OP I would suggest you don't let your opinions of the "moral choices" influence you here. So what if they are already married? They are now having a celebration and including friends & family. I do think you should consider going and buying a small gift. It doesn't have to be anything from the registry but something small would be fine, candle sticks, a nice frame, some wine glasses....anything like that would be fine. If you really don't want to do it, then just give a card and refuse payment for your DH's gift of DJing for their celebration. :) good luck with what you decide, and to answer your original question, yes I would buy them a gift.
     
  14. pixie921

    pixie921 DIS Veteran

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    Proper etiquette is to send wedding invitations without registry information. An invitation is meant to ask friends and loved ones to share an important event -- not to grab for gifts, which is exactly what including registry information looks like. If guests would like to bring a gift (and of course 99%+ do), they ask family members or other friends where the couple is registered. They can then decide whether to give a gift from the registry or give a gift of cash.
     
  15. bootleg89

    bootleg89 Mouseketeer

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    You include registry information with the invite to the bridal shower and the bachelorette party. Wedding invites never include them. People are free to give you items from your registries from the other 2 parties, but most (including self) find it tacky. It's much easier for bride and groom to leave with a handful of cahs and envelopes then with physical gifts the day of their wedding.

    As for topic, I agree with Smile4Me. Give them a card and write something along the lines of hope you had a wonderful time at party and enjoyed the selection of music Dh had to offer. Hope it made night that much more special to you. Make that your gift, and if u feel u still need to give a gift, give a picture frame with Family or Wedding and that's it.
    Good luck with that.
     
  16. prncess674

    prncess674 DIS Veteran

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    I have to agree, including registry information on the invite is TACKY TACKY TACKY! Please don't do it! There are only so many places to register and spending ten minutes online can yield all the registries just by entering the couple's name on most places one can register.

    Bed Bath & Beyond
    Macys.com
    Dillards.com
    Target.com
    Tiffany.com
    Bloomingdales.com
    walmart.com

    To the OP, I would just bring a small token gift (under $50) and enjoy an evening of fun.
     
  17. HunnyPots

    HunnyPots DIS Veteran<br><font color=purple>The Tag Fairy is

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    No, they wouldn't be getting a thing from me.
     
  18. pearlieq

    pearlieq <font color=green>They can sit & spin<br><font col

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    Well, yes, I would call that common.

    You don't invite someone to an event on your own behalf and include any mention of a gift. It's extremely rude. You invite someone because you want to enjoy their presence and include them in your celebration. To include registry information, or any reference to a gift, would imply that a gift is expected or required, which it certainly is not.

    Imagine if one of your friends called you up and said "Hey, can you come to my birthday party on Saturday? You can buy my present at Target." Putting registry information in a wedding invite is doing the exact same thing, and it comes across just as awful.

    Registry information can get disseminated in a couple of ways. If someone is throwing you a shower, they can include the information with the shower invites (the key difference there is that the shower host is not soliciting gifts for her own benefit, but rather the bride's). Or, people will often ask you, your family, or a member of the wedding party where you are registered. They won't have a problem figuring it out.

    As for the OP's situation, I suggest being a little mercenary about it. You obviously don't have much affection for the couple, so going just to support them and wish them well isn't your primary motivation. Please know I'm not saying that to be rude or judgmental--it just seems like what the situation is, and there's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to like everyone. Goodness knows there's members of my own extended family I wish I could misplace!

    So, with that being the case, weigh your options. Does it sound like it's going to be a fun party? Are there people there you would like to see? Can you go and be civil to everyone without making snarky comments or exchanging eyerolls with your DH? If that's the case, maybe you go.

    Or, does it look like it's going to be more of a hassle than it's worth? Do you worry that you may not be able to keep your mouth shut and smile? Are you concerned that people will think you support their choices and that will reflect poorly on you? If it's more like that, just decline.

    If you do decide to attend, waive any fees for your DH. If he has expenses he has to cover, consider that their wedding gift. If he doesn't have expenses associated with the event, you should also offer them a token gift.

    If you don't go, send a card with your congrats and consider your DH's reduced fee to be their gift.

    Good luck either way!
     
  19. wall*e2008

    wall*e2008 DIS Veteran

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    I agree
     
  20. Kickapoo Joie Juice

    Kickapoo Joie Juice Gone.

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    I have no problem bringing a gift for FRIENDS who've decided to do things bass ackwards and put the wedding last instead of first :rotfl:. I'm happy to celebrate them finally getting around to it, lol.

    HOWEVER, people I barely know inviting me to a wedding, no matter how properly phrased, is an automatic "no" from me because I know they don't really care if I'm there or not, they're just grubbin' the gifts...
     
  21. pixiewings71

    pixiewings71 <marquee><font color=deeppink>Sweet!!! Totally!!!!

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    I'll make sure my BFF doesn't include her registry info with her invitations then. I wasn't invited to bridal showers for the weddings I've attended recently, I guess maybe they sent registry information to those who didn't go to showers....I have no idea, I just know that the last 3 or 4 I've received have had registry cards in them. Thanks for the info everyone.
     

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