OT - How do you not care what people think?

[ajh88]

Sorry this is OT, but this is the place I frequent most and I want some impartial opinions. How do you not care what people think of you? I never thought of myself like this, but apparently I really care about whether or not people like me. Make no mistake, I've never assumed that everyone likes me, but I sort of try not to do things that would give others reason to dislike me either. KWIM?

I have recently become a manager at my job. I am a pharmacist. For a couple of years, I worked as a tech/intern alongside pretty much the same staff we still have. I pretty much got along with everyone during that time. As a pharmacist, I was by default in charge when I was there (even though I did not have any sort of management title). I have the responsibility, even if the technicians and clerks do not report to me for personnel purposes. When I returned to the pharmacy after graduation, I sensed a bit of tension at first, but it sort of eased off - I expected some awkwardness as I transitioned from peer to "manager". Over the past 7 months, we've had some management changes and I was recently promoted to pharmacy manager. So, I am now *officially* over everyone in the pharmacy.

I know that as a manager you cannot take things personally - but I find that I am dwelling on one person in particular who actually seems to hate me now. We worked together and tolerated each other before (I wouldn't say we liked each other though), but now the tension is almost unbearable. I know I have to nip it in the bud, but anytime I ask for advice, I get "Oh well, that is just how that person is with everyone."

I really want not to care what this person thinks of me, but I can't stand having unresolved conflict, especially when I spend 40 hours a week in a tiny area with this person. I also can't fire someone just because we don't get along (though IMHO it has gone well beyond that).

Any thoughts??? TIA!

 

[NYCDiane]

For me, I don't care what anyone thinks of me. If you're not paying my rent, buying my food, paying my bills, supporting my habits, etc your opinion means less than nothing to me.

As for your situation? I can guarantee you it's only going to get worse. You are going to have to take this person, along with another manager or supervisor (NOT A WORKER!!), and have a meeting with him/her. Explain that you've been sensing a lot of underlying tension, etc and you'd like to clear the air. At this point, you can have an open dialogue with the person (hopefully) and resolve whatever the issue might be. EVERYTHING that happens in the meeting should be documented (put in WRITING) and signed by the three of you and placed in this person's personnel file as well as yours. (and, of course, keep your own copy!)

If you just leave it to stew, it's going to get worse and worse and, next thing you know, this person will be reporting YOU to upper management for some slight, whether real or imagined or just completely made up!

Good luck!!!!

 

[youcansmellit]

I had a similar problem. I recently have been made management after only 6 months. One of the guys that has been there for 3 years was up for the same job. He is having a hard time with me getting it. I told him he needs to take his issues up with the people that made the decision. It is starting getting better. Good luck.

 

[furb & dez]

For me, I don't care what anyone thinks of me. If you're not paying my rent, buying my food, paying my bills, supporting my habits, etc your opinion means less than nothing to me.

As for your situation? I can guarantee you it's only going to get worse. You are going to have to take this person, along with another manager or supervisor (NOT A WORKER!!), and have a meeting with him/her. Explain that you've been sensing a lot of underlying tension, etc and you'd like to clear the air. At this point, you can have an open dialogue with the person (hopefully) and resolve whatever the issue might be. EVERYTHING that happens in the meeting should be documented (put in WRITING) and signed by the three of you and placed in this person's personnel file as well as yours. (and, of course, keep your own copy!)

If you just leave it to stew, it's going to get worse and worse and, next thing you know, this person will be reporting YOU to upper management for some slight, whether real or imagined or just completely made up!

Good luck!!!!

This is good advice, and I agree completely.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Everyone is going to have a slightly different take and answer to this depending on their experience, personality, style, etc.

It is not uncommon to have this type of issue when a promotion occurs.

I don't know that it's something you have to address directly as opposed to just continuing to work together steadily and respectfully, eventually letting it work itself out (IMO). Unless of course something happens between you that you would need to address more directly.

But to answer your question, my best advice is to just stay true to yourself and your responsibilities and keep that your main focus. There will always be employees who don't see things the way you see them or who don't have the experience and knowledge you have, say, and they'll always make comments and criticize you, try to undermine your decisions and such. Keep the lines of communication open but if you're doing the right thing (in your eyes and your superiors' eyes) than it's really immaterial to doing your job. With more experience your skin will become thicker and you'll get better at managing this aspect of your role, so hang in there. If you earn the respect of your peers and other coworkers they will generally support you from the naysayers.

When I was first in a similar position I focused a lot of my continuing education work on communication and giving constructive criticism, etc, which helped me with the personnel aspect of things. Have they offered you any type of training or support in your managerial role?

 

[Sandy61]

You have to turn it around and ask yourself WHY the person is acting that way. There is always a reason why. I suspect the person has personality disorder and can not get along with people very well especially someone who is now "above" her in any way. I urge you to investigate personality disorder online and read about how to deal with a person like that. You should be able to learn how to talk and act around such a person that will allow them to relax. The person probably feels insecure and defensive. Learn how disarm defensiveness.

You should act the way you know you should...with integrity, authority, calmness. Learn how to manage others. This probably wasn't taught in your classes. Document everything and always have someone with you when you talk with the person. Don't take this personally because it has nothing to do with you, it is how the other person has developed coping skills and things from their past.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm in a very similar situation. I was promoted to supervise a number of people who were formerly my peers. Most of them are excellent employees. One has always been problematic. When she was a peer, I got along with her OK, although I always thought she was difficult. I think she really does have some sort of personality disorder.

She is the sort of person nobody wants to work with. She's annoyed that she's not being put in charge of projects, but no one wants to even be working on a project with her, let alone have her be in charge. She has her own agenda, which she thinks is much more important than any organizational goals. To be fair, she does have strong points, but she's extraordinarily difficult to work with.

The positive in my situation is that my boss was in charge of this group before I was, so she knows exactly how this person is.

I have the support and respect of the rest of the group. I'm not especially concerned about what this other person thinks of me as she's loony tunes.

 

[Robinrs]

For me, I don't care what anyone thinks of me. If you're not paying my rent, buying my food, paying my bills, supporting my habits, etc your opinion means less than nothing to me.

As for your situation? I can guarantee you it's only going to get worse. You are going to have to take this person, along with another manager or supervisor (NOT A WORKER!!), and have a meeting with him/her. Explain that you've been sensing a lot of underlying tension, etc and you'd like to clear the air. At this point, you can have an open dialogue with the person (hopefully) and resolve whatever the issue might be. EVERYTHING that happens in the meeting should be documented (put in WRITING) and signed by the three of you and placed in this person's personnel file as well as yours. (and, of course, keep your own copy!)

If you just leave it to stew, it's going to get worse and worse and, next thing you know, this person will be reporting YOU to upper management for some slight, whether real or imagined or just completely made up!

Good luck!!!!

You have to turn it around and ask yourself WHY the person is acting that way. There is always a reason why. I suspect the person has personality disorder and can not get along with people very well especially someone who is now "above" her in any way. I urge you to investigate personality disorder online and read about how to deal with a person like that. You should be able to learn how to talk and act around such a person that will allow them to relax. The person probably feels insecure and defensive. Learn how disarm defensiveness.

You should act the way you know you should...with integrity, authority, calmness. Learn how to manage others. This probably wasn't taught in your classes. Document everything and always have someone with you when you talk with the person. Don't take this personally because it has nothing to do with you, it is how the other person has developed coping skills and things from their past.

Great points and advice.

Note OP, this is the other person's problem, not yours. She is angry or envious and projecting her animosity towards you. I agree with confronting her about it. Ask her what does she suggest to make the environment a little more pleasant. Give HER the responsibility to change it.

I had this situation in a former job. I was hired after a coordinator to start a dept that was previously run by a person who left town. We took on the same responsibilities but I was the only one with experience. When the director decided to make someone manager I was given the job. The other girl and our assistant pouted and looked upset at the meeting, but said NOTHING.

I sat down with both of them separately and discussed the situation. Turns out both were hoping an outside source would take it over so we could all be on the "same plane' and not have me over them. They took it personally. I worked hard at communicating to them that no one was trying to harm them, especially me, that it was an executive decision that was out of my hands.

Then I reminded them that THEY had the ability to do overtime and I didn't!!! There were times they made more money than I did!! For the same hours!

Work it out. Do not let her make your life miserable. You spend more than half your waking hours at work, and I know you worked HARD to get to where you are now, nip it in the bud.

Get out there and claim it!!

 

[Schmoodle]

Caring what people think of you is not the same as wanting everyone to like you. I care what people think of me, i.e., I care about my reputation, but I don't feel like everyone has to like me. I think age and experience help. I used to care more about whether everyone liked me or not when I was younger, LOL. In your situation, I think you just have to force yourself to make the hard decisions, and you'll get used to being in charge. I don't know that you have to force the issue with that one person. I'm not there, of course, so maybe I am off-base, but if it's a matter of you not liking each other, well, that's okay. Lots of people work together and don't like each other. As long as they are doing their jobs and not creating drama, who cares? If that person does what you ask them to do, I would leave it alone. And you mentioned asking advice - if you are asking advice from other people under you, you need to stop that. You don't need to pull other people in, and that in itself can create drama.

 

[ajh88]

Thanks for all of the tips and encouragment! I am brand spanking new to this management role, so any input is helpful. I am planning on having a meeting with the employee (and another witness) tomorrow (hopefully). I'm sure it will not go well, but I will do my best.

Just to clarify to a PP - I didn't ask the worker's peers for advice on how to handle the situation - I asked my peers (one of which was our former manager, the other our former assistant manager) and my current boss. I know better than to stir an already boiling pot!

I haven't had any official management training yet - I have some mangement training to go through over the next several months so hopefully that will help in the future. I just know I cannot let this person's toxic attitude continue to detract from the work we have to do - there is too much at stake.

Thanks again for all the replies!

 

[jedijill]

Have the meeting with the employee and another member of management or HR...not another worker! HR disaster if you don't. Remember, you aren't there to be friends with your employees. You can be friendly but not friends. Make sure you are treating everyone the same...even the ones you don't like. Not being facetious but people forget that there needs to be a line. If someone is giving you push back when you tell them to do something or is copping an attitude, that is called insubordination and needs to be nipped in the bud now. Address that in your meeting. The ball is in the employees court because they are the only one that can change their attitude. Have regular, documented meetings if the behavior doesn't change and engage your higher level manager and/or HR if the bad behavior continues. Best advice is ever got is DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. If and when the times comes to get HR involved, your notes will be invaluable.

HTH

Jill in CO

 

[MomToOne]

Have the meeting with the employee and another member of management or HR...not another worker! HR disaster if you don't.

In my working environment, I would check with HR even before having another member of management at the meeting!

 

[Sandy61]

Maybe the person needs to be given fewer days at work. One time I worked where there was a nasty person and management gave them fewer days every week until they finally quit.

Now that I am 50 I am not willing to work in a stressful environment. I volunteer at a hospital and LOVE the people I work with and we have fun and are respectful of each other. I interviewed for a paid position in another area of that same hospital and had to turn the job offer down because the person I would be working for was in the interview and I could see I would not be able to make her happy and it would be miserable. I have a job I work at here at home and volunteer and I am happy with that for now.

 

[Bob NC]

Look, no matter what you do, how you act, what you say, not ALL people get along all the time.

You might have to sit this person down and simply say that the people in your dept don't have to go to lunch together, hang out, talk about each others families.....But, you all DO have to work together cordially in a 'team' atmosphere of mutual respect.

If you just make it clear that it's all about "the work", then maybe all these side issues will resolve themselves.

Without threatening or getting personal you just have to make it clear that your department IS going to be respectful and as stress free as possible.

Let this person read between THOSE lines.

 

[suzieQ36]

I will say a prayer for you today that your meeting goes well tomorrow. You obviously really care. Let us know.

 

[Mkebound]

I've been a manager for 6 years now.

I took FAR too long to fire my first employee. Very few people will come out and say it, but there are people who won't be happy no matter how well you mange them.

Read this link http://entengr.blogspot.com/2010/03/secret-to-having-happy-employees-fire.html

Looking back the hardest, but best decisions I've made as a manager was letting people go that didn't fit in and were bringing the rest of the team down to their level. If you be surprised how much everyone loves you when you get rid of negative nellies.

 

[Mkebound]

Here's the link I was thinking of:
http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/09/the-secret-to-having-happy-employees/

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Here's the link I was thinking of:
http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/09/the-secret-to-having-happy-employees/

The Comments are equally as interesting as the article!

 

[JandJ]

My DH was promoted to manager about two years ago and he had to fire two people within a few months of his promotion. I know that it was difficult, and he was afraid of getting a reputation as the manager who fires people, but he did it after counseling and documenting their poor work and poor attitudes. The team is better off after losing those people.

I'm a pharmacy tech and currently in school to be a pharmacist, so I know that it's a physically close working environment and obviously critically important (and very often time sensitive) that you be able to communicate with your tech(s) without them having a bad attitude. If my managing pharmacist has any issue with me she can tell me and vice-versa. If I make a mistake she sends it back to be fixed and I don't take it personally. Sometimes we are swamped and she'll rip off a label and say "the day's supply is wrong!" but she's not "angry" at me, she just knows it has to be done right and it has to be done right now. All of us make mistakes, it's just part of the job, and we correct it and hopefully learn from it for the next time. I wonder if your employee is taking it personally?

Good luck in your new role - I hope to be there myself someday

 

[crisi]

Managing people is a lot like being a Mom...if your kids or your employees always like you, you probably aren't doing it right. Which doesn't mean that they shouldn't always dislike you, just that you have responsibilities more important than "being liked" and if you put "being liked" as the priority, you aren't going to meet those responsibilities.

As for the employee, I agree, some people just aren't happy - the best thing you can do for everyone - even them long term - is to cut your losses after giving them a chance. If that is indeed how she is with everyone and everyone feels the same, then SHE needs the attitude adjustment. People shouldn't just put up with incivility because "that's the way she is with everyone."