No Christmas

[tinkarooni]

FaLaLaLaLa...Tis the season to try and figure out how to deal with the in-laws.

I think that everybody has this problem to some extent. Heres what we do. I'm married 13 years. When I married into this family they all bought for each other (adults) than everybody started having kids. I spread around that we should just buy for kids. Everybody accepted that. We set a $25.00 limit. per gift. We haven't raised it with inflation either. That's darn plenty in my opinion, there are 8 kids so far and than we always buy for parents. So a couple of years ago my SIL (whose husband ran off and left her with three kids so she moved in and mooches off of her widowed mother) decided that she was going to start an adult exchange picking names. Minimum of $50.00 per gift. . That's each, so with DH and I it was costing us $100.00. The worst part is it was just a gift card exchange. I hate that. Everybody wrote down three places they wanted gift cards from. We did it two years and than said no more.

Here's my warning....they call us cheap all the time. And not necessarily behind our backs, sometimes right to our faces. I wouldn't start this unless you're able to deal with whatever their responses may be.

And someday I will be sending my kids to college. My SIL had better hope her widowed mother has some money stuffed in her mattress because with all I see her spending (three vacations this summer including a cruise) her THREE kids will never get there.

Oh my gosh....I guess I just let out a little rant myself. Sorry.

 

[StillPinballFamily]

So just send out an email if it is easier saying this year you are opting out of Christmas except for children. I told them in person and it wasnt a nice scene.

This is my advice - but NOT to do it via email. (OP, you said you didn't have all the addresses anyway.) I'd have your boyfriend collaborate with you ASAP on a nice (real) note/letter/card that is mailed. Be firm, but polite... "We love sharing Christmas with all of you but no longer can afford to exchange so many gifts. So, this year, we won't be buying presents but hope to find other ways to share the holiday spirit with you..." No need to go into exhaustive detail or apologize.

Here's my warning....they call us cheap all the time. And not necessarily behind our backs, sometimes right to our faces. I wouldn't start this unless you're able to deal with whatever their responses may be.

Yeah. Excellent point! As the saying goes "put on your big girl panties" and deal with this as it comes. You know you're doing the right thing for your situation - how others handle it is their problem, not yours.

Hey - if you can't bring yourself to do it for this year...make your Xmas gifts to everyone *used* budgeting books...Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, etc. from ebay or half.com! That will cause a stir!!! The family will drop 'ya like a hot potato!!!!

Good luck, OP!

 

[DisneyMOM09]

With my in laws we have started doing one(big) or two(smaller) gifts per person ( they have a relatively small family just my husband , me, SIL BIL, mom and dad) then we buy for the kids, we have 3 and my SIL has two. This has worked well for us. It has alos made Christmas a more relaxed time focused on the important things instead of opening gifts for hours. On my side of the family, me, my sisters and brother draw names and we buy presents ( one or two) for my parents and we buy my nephew a gift. My sisters and brother also buy for my kids. We try not to go crazy and focus on buying a gift that is thoughtful and will be used and liked by the recipient. I think it would be great to just draw one person's name and get a good gift than to get a bunch of crappy thoughtless gifts.

 

[lucigo]

You all have made me feel so glad that I live 900 miles from my closest relatives LOL We have 6 kids (2 steps live with their mom in same town), but for about the last 4 years instead of having big elaborate Christmas gifts we have gone on either a cruise or a trip to Disney. Last year my family in MO wanted me to come up, and I said I would have to wait and come after Christmas because we couldn't afford the trip AND presents. My mom said oh havent you heard we don't do that anymore! Turns out they all got tired of the silly presents so now they just each buy a $20 gift and all sit in a circle and read a story involving rights and lefts, and pass the presents around until the end of the story...whatever you get is yours. They are fun/silly/interesting gifts and no one gets their feelings hurt. I saw things from a fancy electric toothbrush to a bird feeder. We hit a Disney store sale and got a mickey serving platter and 4 mugs - so I was pretty proud of our $20 present...and you know I don't even remember what I got in return...it wasn't important, we all had fun and didn't break the bank.

We did buy for the little kids but still not over the top.

 

[puffkin]

We gave up birthdays with DH's siblings in the last year, and we just decided to not do Xmas gifts either. There are 3 children (my son and two nieces) who everyone will still buy for, but not the adults.

At least for now, we will still buy for MIL (January) and FIL (December) birthdays. Birthdays have always been a big deal for their family though.

My family is just us (me, DH and DS) my single brother and my parents. We always had big Christmas's and continue to do so.

 

[TheRatPack]

Been trying this for years....sadly I always get the "I'm a Grinch attitude" so I've stopped trying. We get nice gifts....and get everyone else something nice as well, but it's getting silly....just as you said, like we're just exchanging money LOL I enjoy gifts as much as the next person, but I'd rather spend that money on things I really need and not on something you might or might not can live without (like that DVD set, home nick nacks...etc).

Again, I've enjoyed 95% of everything I've been given over the years....my inlaws are great about really getting you something you can use or that fits my decor/sizes...etc but buying for everyone is expensive and we just adopted 3 more children so I tried to make it easier on them (not buying for us). It's just not going to work though.....so I've stopped trying.

Last year when I brought it up, my MIL stopped talking to me and cried to my husband that it was ruining her Christmas .....Great....just the feeling I was going for LOL

 

[PelletierBears]

We had this same problem. Started out 15 years ago with everyone buying for each other and each kid (nieces/nephews - just 2 though), then we went to a grab for the adults and still gave to each kid (by then 5 kids total- this is just DH side). Now we don't give to anyone
Every x-mas was stressful especially when we were dealing with financial difficulties after my husbands car accident and long recovery. For several yrs my husband and I wouldn't exchange gifts at all (at most maybe a book) because we had to make sure we had gifts for all the nieces/nephews. It wouldn't have been as bad if there weren't 12 kids for us to buy for on my side of the family! (we didn't exchange w/ adults at all).
As my husbands oldest niece reached 18 I wondered how long we were going to have to buy her something. I know that must sound so rude and that's why it went on for so many years I was just too sheepish to be honest. We only saw the kids once or twice a year...it just felt so forced and I was becoming resentful! I would much rather spend money on my own kids and husband! I'm more than happy to help those at the holidays that don't have much (one niece always appreciates anything we give her cause she doesn't get much otherwise) but the other kids don't need anything...my goodness they have everything!
It was so hard to tell everyone we wouldn't be exchanging but we finally did 2years ago (at this point oldest niece was 21!). My husband sent an email to his brother and sister and told them not to buy anything for our kids cause as much as we appreciate it they don't need anything and we wouldn't be sending gifts to the nieces. I know his brother understood cause he thinks like us but sister is ....nevermind
That first x-mas without the ridiculousness of "what do we get for... this year who we hardly know anymore" was wonderful and I wish we had made this decision years ago instead of worrying about what everyone would like of us.

 

[PelletierBears]

We had this same problem. Started out 15 years ago with everyone buying for each other and each kid (nieces/nephews - just 2 though), then we went to a grab for the adults and still gave to each kid (by then 5 kids total- this is just DH side). Now we don't give to anyone
Every x-mas was stressful especially when we were dealing with financial difficulties after my husbands car accident and long recovery. For several yrs my husband and I wouldn't exchange gifts at all (at most maybe a book) because we had to make sure we had gifts for all the nieces/nephews. It wouldn't have been as bad if there weren't 12 kids for us to buy for on my side of the family! (we didn't exchange w/ adults at all).
As my husbands oldest niece reached 18 I wondered how long we were going to have to buy her something. I know that must sound so rude and that's why it went on for so many years I was just too sheepish to be honest. We only saw the kids once or twice a year...it just felt so forced and I was becoming resentful! I would much rather spend money on my own kids and husband! I'm more than happy to help those at the holidays that don't have much (one niece always appreciates anything we give her cause she doesn't get much otherwise) but the other kids don't need anything...my goodness they have everything!
It was so hard to tell everyone we wouldn't be exchanging but we finally did 2years ago (at this point oldest niece was 21!). My husband sent an email to his brother and sister and told them not to buy anything for our kids cause as much as we appreciate it they don't need anything and we wouldn't be sending gifts to the nieces. I know his brother understood cause he thinks like us but sister is ....nevermind
That first x-mas without the ridiculousness of "what do we get for... this year who we hardly know anymore" was wonderful and I wish we had made this decision years ago instead of worrying about what everyone would like of us.

Should have ended with "..instead of worrying about what everyone would THINK of us! LOL

 

[bunny213]

wow...what a timely thread!!
I was just thinking the same thing last night. My family is huge...and scattered all over the country. I've always loved Christmas and when I worked I sent out things to everyone. Now...many many years later....we are now retired and barely making it end to end. Every year I try to cut down a little more...but even that's making me a wreck.
I have 4 children, their spouses and 15 grandchildren...I try to remember my brother, his son and daughter and their children, my sister, her hubby and their 4 children and their 2 grandchildren - the shipping alone is expensive.
I need another plan or something...but when I think about it...I wind up being my own worse enemy!
I've tried to talk to my family...and they buy us things anyway...making me feel just terrible...so what do I do?
It's making me sad just writing this - but I know that this year I need to do more adjusting and don't know how or where to start. Even with 15 grandchildren (who all but 2 live in another state) if I spend $10 - that's 150.00.....add to that the postage.
Does anyone have a nice email or letter that could be used to explain things to my family? I would like to explain to them why this year it may be different, ahead of time. I love Christmas so much...but this is all making me so sad. And it makes me even sadder when they do and buy things for us - I would so rather have their calls and cards during the year.
Thanks for listening.... Barb

 

[StillPinballFamily]

wow...what a timely thread!!
I was just thinking the same thing last night. My family is huge...and scattered all over the country. I've always loved Christmas and when I worked I sent out things to everyone. Now...many many years later....we are now retired and barely making it end to end. Every year I try to cut down a little more...but even that's making me a wreck.
I have 4 children, their spouses and 15 grandchildren...I try to remember my brother, his son and daughter and their children, my sister, her hubby and their 4 children and their 2 grandchildren - the shipping alone is expensive.
I need another plan or something...but when I think about it...I wind up being my own worse enemy!
I've tried to talk to my family...and they buy us things anyway...making me feel just terrible...so what do I do?
It's making me sad just writing this - but I know that this year I need to do more adjusting and don't know how or where to start. Even with 15 grandchildren (who all but 2 live in another state) if I spend $10 - that's 150.00.....add to that the postage.
Does anyone have a nice email or letter that could be used to explain things to my family? I would like to explain to them why this year it may be different, ahead of time. I love Christmas so much...but this is all making me so sad. And it makes me even sadder when they do and buy things for us - I would so rather have their calls and cards during the year.
Thanks for listening.... Barb

So, maybe I'm dense, but can't you tell them exactly what you've just told us? Your post above is beautifully worded, sensitive, and to the point.

This thread got me to thinking and I just found www.buynothingchristmas.org. It seems there are a few suggestions there folks may find helpful...

 

[bucket o' butter]

We have done the family draw thing for almost 30 years (since I was 13) and it works magically. It saves on soooo much money. Everyone spends between $35 and $45 per gift which in the long run, is much cheaper than buying a "cheap" gift for everyone. When my family started it, I was 13 so that was the magic age to be an adult. Anyone under 13 got presents from everyone.

When I got married, I casually brought it up in conversation to my in-laws and they loved the idea. (DH thought they wouldn't go for it, but as usual I won that argument!!!) In that drawing, we spend $50 per person and you aren't adult until you are 18. I would really try to convince your family to do the drawing. It is a lot of fun and takes out the stress of shopping for everyone at holiday time.

Good luck!

 

[kayla87]

I have 4 children, their spouses and 15 grandchildren...I try to remember my brother, his son and daughter and their children, my sister, her hubby and their 4 children and their 2 grandchildren - the shipping alone is expensive.

I am one of 13 grandchildren, and if my grandparents ever said that they weren't able to give gifts to everyone, I would understand. My grandparents often made homemade gifts (for example, a wooden coin bank my grandpa cut and my grandma painted). You don't need to spend much money to send something meaningful.

Also, if your children still give you gifts, look at it in a different light. I doubt they do it expecting something in return. They are probably just returning the favor you did by raising them.

 

[englishteacha]

I'm trying to figure this out myself for this year. I am the youngest of 8 children. DH has 1 sister. We have over 20 nieces and nephews. We just can't buy for everyone! Since I started buying presents for my family when I reached adulthood, I've done family gifts. Maybe it's tacky, but each family (sibling, spouse, and children) get the same thing. One year I did a breakfast set and asked them to open it on Christmas Eve. Another year everyone got giant candles, Christmas decorations, and homemade goodies. Last year, everyone got a nice mixing bowl, cake pan, spatula, and a homemade mix for my mom's famous chocolate cake with a laminated recipe card. (hey Kate...I bought the bowls and cake pans at Mardens!) Even keeping it under $15 per family, some years (like this one) is tough. I think this year everyone will get something edible. I thought I'd do a "death by chocolate" theme-homemade fudge and truffles. It can't cost $200 to buy the ingredients! I can make them ahead of time and freeze them. We do buy for the nieces and nephews we're closest to. Usually it's just a token-a favorite candy, or a McDonald's gift card, a pretty pair of earrings for my niece-but something I know they'll like. We also buy for our parents. My FIL and his wife get the same family gift all my family gets. We get something more for my mom, though always found on sale.

I'd love to suggest a name swap (or a family swap), but as the youngest NO ONE takes me seriously. We're all adults-anything we really want we have, anything we really need we'll get ourselves. There are 8 of us, and I know we all will get stuff for mom. We all told Mom (on a very fixed income) that if she insists on getting us something, we want her famous chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting! (except my sister who prefers white frosting...there's always ONE who's difficult!!)

 

[starann]

For the poster who has 13 grandchildren...have you ever considered a $25 savings bond? They used to only cost you half of what they wwould be worth at maturity (which would be $12.50 and you saving on shipping, cause htey would be mailed to each person) I know they aren't as 'good' as they used to be, but if each kid gets say 2 a year (one for B-day and one for Xmas) from the time they are little until they are 21, that is a nice chunk of change for someone who is 'just starting out'. I know family who did this for me and it was great, when I starting living on my own it got me a table set and some other things for my house. Did I miss those 'gifts' growing up...no waym, cause I got so much other stuff. DO I knwo where that stuff is now? In a landfill, I'm sure, but I still ahve my table.



For the OP.....if your BF's family does say 'no' to your idea...... When I was single and still exchanging with my cousins (we started just doing kids) I would get them as a family a 'theme' gift (it was single me, to married them with kids, so I would have ended up buying them 2 gc, the kids a gift and getting 1 in return..I was gonig broke) One year it was a $10 or $15 gc to blockbuster, in a big bowl, with candy and micro popcorn so they could have a movie night. Another year it was a Pampered Chef Garlic press, parm cheese, pasta, fancy oil. You get the idea. Each year their gift cost me less than what I would have spent on GC for each person and was a nice thoughtful gift that promoted family time that wasn't junk to be regifted.

Good Luck!

 

[Darcy03231]

I'm trying to figure this out myself for this year. I am the youngest of 8 children. DH has 1 sister. We have over 20 nieces and nephews. We just can't buy for everyone! Since I started buying presents for my family when I reached adulthood, I've done family gifts. Maybe it's tacky, but each family (sibling, spouse, and children) get the same thing. One year I did a breakfast set and asked them to open it on Christmas Eve. Another year everyone got giant candles, Christmas decorations, and homemade goodies. Last year, everyone got a nice mixing bowl, cake pan, spatula, and a homemade mix for my mom's famous chocolate cake with a laminated recipe card. (hey Kate...I bought the bowls and cake pans at Mardens!) Even keeping it under $15 per family, some years (like this one) is tough. I think this year everyone will get something edible. I thought I'd do a "death by chocolate" theme-homemade fudge and truffles. It can't cost $200 to buy the ingredients! I can make them ahead of time and freeze them. We do buy for the nieces and nephews we're closest to. Usually it's just a token-a favorite candy, or a McDonald's gift card, a pretty pair of earrings for my niece-but something I know they'll like. We also buy for our parents. My FIL and his wife get the same family gift all my family gets. We get something more for my mom, though always found on sale.

I'd love to suggest a name swap (or a family swap), but as the youngest NO ONE takes me seriously. We're all adults-anything we really want we have, anything we really need we'll get ourselves. There are 8 of us, and I know we all will get stuff for mom. We all told Mom (on a very fixed income) that if she insists on getting us something, we want her famous chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting! (except my sister who prefers white frosting...there's always ONE who's difficult!!)

Another good family gift is a blockbuster gift card, microwave popcorn and a big bag of m & m's. We got that one year from my SIL and the whole family enjoyed it. We had a nice family movie night.

 

[EthansMom]

Right about now (before most folks have started their serious shopping), tell them that the two of you are saving for a trip will be cutting back on your Christmas spending this year. Tell them, "Please don't get us any gifts." If anyone has a heartache, tell them, "Okay, but please don't spend a lot on gifts for us because we won't be spending as much on gifts." Then, give yourselves a much smaller budget than you have in the past. Believe it or not, when I give myself a tighter budget (and try to stick with it), I am able to find something decent for $25, $20, or even $15.

We've dramatically reduced how much we spend on extended family members for holidays and birthdays.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

Several years ago, I suggested that all the adults stop giving gifts among the adults - just for the kids - 6 so far. Both the sister in laws loved the idea and most of the aunts and uncles also agreed. However, mil didn't

It has worked pretty well - but as the kids are getting older and they all live out of state - hard to know what they want or need now

 

[Steelersfan4life]

So many hurtful words here..

The holiday should be about the blessing of family. Not the size or amount of gifts that you receive..

 

[Ricky's Girl]

We had been thinking of going the "no gifts" route for years. We finally brought the subject up at a family get together in July 07. We all agreed, no gifts for adults, just something for the children in the family and we would keep that under $50 per child. In our case that came to $200 total for Christmas 2007.

I must say that was one of our best, stress free Christmas' ever!

 

[EthansMom]

So many hurtful words here..

The holiday should be about the blessing of family. Not the size or amount of gifts that you receive..

I think most of the people posting to this thread would agree with you that the Holiday Season should be about spending time with family and not about the giving or getting of gifts.

There are a lot of good reasons to consider making changes to the way you've exchanged gifts in the past, however. For some of us, our family membership has grown over the years and it is no longer as affordable to spend $50 per person on children and grandchildren as it was to spend $50 on just children. Others may have had financial setbacks and need to trim expenses. Still others may choose to focus more on the "reason for the season" than on the gift bonanza aspect of winter holidays.

For my family, we enjoy a Christmas morning that is done with some thought toward a budget. Our Holiday Season has become more about the "things we do" than "the things we get". We make cookies, visit with family, see a show, go to a Christmas tree lighting....