My wonderful DH has advanced Panreatic Cancer

Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by amandamc8, Sep 12, 2009.

  1. amandamc8

    amandamc8 Earning My Ears

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    Hello Everyone

    Well, it's 16 weeks today since I lost my lovely DH and there has been so much that we have had to get through so quickly... Our Great Nieces 1st Birthday, Nephew's 18th, Nephew's 21st, Hayley's 16th, Xmas, Miles birthday, New year and my 40th birthday. So many events that should have been lovely celebrations that were turned into the saddest of times for us all. I know that Miles would not want us to be so sad, but we miss him so very, very much.

    We are getting by as best we can, but still seem to be falling down the cliff at the moment. I think we do a good impression of getting by - or I hope that is why no one contacts us to check how we are any more. It's so sad, I have family and friends all close by, yet we are so lonely... I know that many find it difficult to know what to do or say, and are scared of saying the wrong thing so they stay away. The thing is, they don't need to do or say anything to try and make it better. We are broken, and nothing they can do will fix us, just some company and a reason to actually keep the house tidy would be good. And it would be nice to know that people are thinking of us...

    We did eventually manage to get safely to our break at Disneyland Paris, and although there were some very emotional moments for us, I think it was the right thing to do. I think that we needed to know that we were capable of doing things without Miles, and we did feel like he was with us.

    Our next big challenge comes in just over two weeks, when we are off to the Animal Kingdom Lodge for a week. We had some DVC points that would be lost if we didn't use them before the end of March - and Miles would not be pleased if they were wasted - so we decided to give it a go. I think we are torn between looking forward to a break, feeling sad that it will be without Miles, and being completely terrified of being so far away from home on our own! Still, we'll never know if we don't give it a try.

    Thanks once again to everyone who has offered their support on this thread. It is amazing how the kindness of strangers can help to get you through when the people you love and hoped you could depend on seem to be letting you down :(

    Amanda
     
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  3. dogodisney

    dogodisney DIS Veteran

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    :hug: Amanda, I am so happy that you came by to give us an update. I'm sorry all the "firsts" have been so hard on you.
    I'm happy that you and Haley survived your trip and am happy for you that you will get to go to WDW. You and Haley will cherish these times that the two of you are sharing. Making new memeories will be rewarding to the both of you.

    Can I make a suggestion? I think it would be beneficial to you as well as your family and friends if you email the 2nd paragraph of your post to them. It may do you good to get it off your chest and good for them so they know how you are feeling. It may be the eye opener that they need to see that you are lonely and that they are needed. ;)

    Remember we are here for you.
     
  4. Dizney_Luver

    Dizney_Luver Mouseketeer

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  5. karen l

    karen l DIS Veteran

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    Hi Amanda,
    reading your posts is like deja vu for me. I can so relate to the way people are acting toward you & Hayley. People tend to think that because you get back to everyday life everything's ok for you. My DH has been gone for several years & my kids & I still miss him a great deal. We can talk about him when we're together but friends are uncomfortable when we talk about him.
    I'm so glad you & Hayley made your trip to Disneyland Paris. First trips are difficult but you can make some new memories & Miles would be so proud of you. Three months after my DH passed, I drove from Massachusetts to Pennsylvania with my kids. This was a trip we'd done several times with my DH & we wanted to go there because we had so many wonderful memories. I was so nervous driving there alone with the kids but we made it. I was exhausted from all the driving because Jim had always done all the driving on our previous trips. However, the exhaustion didn't matter because the trip was a new bonding experience for us. This was our first trip without my DH but, as you said, we felt him there with us.
    I hope you have a wonderful trip in two weeks. You'll be fine - WDW is a great place to get away & relax.
    Just remember, your friends are here on the boards whenever you need to talk. Wishing you & Hayley all the best.
     
  6. amandamc8

    amandamc8 Earning My Ears

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    Hello Everyone

    Thanks for all your messages of support over the last few months. Just thought I would drop by with a quick update…

    Well it’s now just over 5 months since Miles died, but in many ways it seems like 5 days ago. We are very slowly starting to get used to a new daily routine, but that doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. We take each day as it comes and do whatever it is that we need to to get us through the day’s challenges.

    We had a lovely break at Disney a few weeks ago, and although we were a bit nervous about travelling so far on our own, we were fine. We had our moments of tears and sadness, but we did start to remember the good times and smile. And it is hard to be constantly sad when the sun is shining and everywhere you go there are hundreds of people all trying to make sure that you are having a magical time.

    Unfortunately we came back to reality with a bang when my Nana died the morning we got home. :sad1: She was 92 and ready to go be with my Grandad, but it is still so sad to lose her. I just wish that I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to her, but obviously it wasn’t meant to be.

    Thanks again everyone, hope that you are all well.:grouphug:

    Amanda
     
  7. minniebeth

    minniebeth <font color=green>I count on y'all to keep me up t

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    Amanda, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Nana~ may she rest in peace.
    I still think of you and hope that day by day you and your DD are finding peace with a new normal.
    Blessings to you both~:hug:
     
  8. PrincessKsMom

    PrincessKsMom <img src=http://photopost.wdwinfo.com/data/500/tlk

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    Amanda, I'm so sorry for your further loss.

    I'm glad you're beginning to find the joy in life again, even if only briefly. I recently had a friend whose husband passed away unexpectedly - on his 43rd birthday -- from a heart attack. She posted a beautiful poem that I thought might help you explain your feelings to others. I'll PM it to you as it is somewhat lengthy.
     
  9. DisneyFairytale

    DisneyFairytale DIS Veteran

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    Amanda,
    So glad to hear you went on that trip after all even will the horrible weather in Europe, it is so unusual for them to have that kind of sudden weather change.
    But anyways, glad you guys had fun. I think it's one of the reasons I hold Disney so close to my heart, because we have so many memories attached and wrapped around that magic. So many things we cried over and recovered from. Disney let us get away from it all and enjoy what we do have. I am so glad to hear you were able to do that.

    All my prayers and thoughts to you both.
     
  10. amandamc8

    amandamc8 Earning My Ears

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    Hello Everyone

    Just thought that I would stop by and let you know how Hayley and I are getting on...

    It's now nearly 8 months since we lost Miles. We are still having very low days, but the times that we feel quite stable are thankfully getting longer - but now when the crash comes, it really comes hard. That said, we are taking each day as it comes and trying to make the most of our 'new normal'. It's hard, but I know how hard Miles fought to keep his life and I don't want to dishonour him by not trying our very best to make the most of ours.

    Family and friends want so much to 'fix' us, but of course they simply cannot do that, and most of them still shy away and avoid any situations where we may get upset, and people very rarely talk about Miles - or even allow us to talk about him. I know it is because they don't know what to do (we are a funny old lot in the UK, and not good at sharing emotions) but it does hurt sometimes.

    Hayley is just finishing her final high school exams and then she has a break until college starts in September. It's a stressful time for any child, but she has held herself together so well through everything and I am so very proud of her (as is her Dad too I am sure). We have a couple of trips booked over summer, we find that being away from everything and everyone for a little while gives us strength to come back and continue our journey through our grief - and I wanted to do something to mark the end of her high school education. So we are off to Mexico in a couple of weeks and then we cruise the med on the Magic at the end of July. It will be bitter-sweet, but I'm sure it will do us good, and I know that Miles would be happy that we are trying to do something nice for ourselves.

    We have had some more sad news recently, Miles' cousin has just been diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer and it has already spread to her spine and her liver. She is having hormone therapy & chemo, but the prognosis is not too hopeful. She is only 48 and is a mum to a 19 year old son - the world can certainly be a cruel place.

    Anyway, I hope that you are all OK. Thanks for all of your messages and thoughts over the last few months. Take care, :grouphug:

    Manda
     
  11. PrincessKsMom

    PrincessKsMom <img src=http://photopost.wdwinfo.com/data/500/tlk

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    It was so sweet of you to stop by and let us know how you and Hayley are coping. It's nice that you will be spending some alone/away time with Hayley before she starts college in September. It will be another big adjustment for you both, I'm sure, but know that your being there for Hayley and being strong in the face of such adversity is making it that much easier for her to continue to move forward through her life.

    Your ability to deal with such a loss and your willingness to continue to share your journey with us is truly inspirational. I can only hope that you are finding some peace and a certain ease as each day passes.

    I'm truly sorry to hear about Miles' cousin and pray that she will be kept comfortable while fighting this wretched disease. And, of course, for her son.

    :hug:
     
  12. minniecarousel

    minniecarousel <font color=royalblue>Chris Isaak fan<br><font col

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    I'm late in coming to your thread, but I wish continued strength to get by. It must seem terribly cruel that the rest of the world gets by, when you're suffering. You're right in that you must honor him by living the best life you can!
     
  13. DisneyFairytale

    DisneyFairytale DIS Veteran

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    Glad to see you guys are doing so much better. I think with time, your heart will heal some more and you are going to be looking up more and more. And yes, the world can be cruel. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor 4 years ago(but is doing ok for now), and my dad was diagnosed 1 month ago, also with a brain tumor and has just 1-2 weeks left to live. He is also 59. I'm 25.

    I wish we could get the answers we deserve. All we can is pray for now.
     
  14. amandamc8

    amandamc8 Earning My Ears

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    Hello Everyone!

    Well, Christmas is almost upon us, it's now 14 months since we lost Miles, and as we have just returned from Disneyworld the support that you guys have given us has been very much on my mind...

    Last time I posted Hayley was just about to take her final exams, and I am very proud to say that she did so well... She is now at college studying applied maths with art and graphic design as a secondary (we do it a little differently in the UK so that may not make much sense, but it's a good thing!)

    We went to mexico with my in-laws to celebrate the end of her studies in July, which was bitter-sweet but good for us, then cruised the Med on the Magic a few weeks later, which was even better for us!

    Hayley has settled into college well, and we were able to take a quick break in Disney and see my husbands family the week before last... We spoke to the college and they understand that this was not just a holiday, but a way to pay homage to Miles and spend time with his family, and so all is good for her studies.

    We were hoping that our 2nd xmas would be easier, but to be honest it is just different. Maybe next year... We couldn't face the thought of xmas with the 'empty chair' and everyone doing thier 'happy families' things, so we are off cruising round the Caribbean (fingers crossed that the snow doesn't stop us!)

    Just wanted to send you all our very best wishes for Xmas and a happy and healthy 2011... Thanks to you all for all off your support - it means so much!

    Much love, Manda. xx
     
  15. PrincessKsMom

    PrincessKsMom <img src=http://photopost.wdwinfo.com/data/500/tlk

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    I'm so glad you and Hayley seem to have found your way and have begun creating happy memories, together with his family. Sounds like she's doing beautifully in school and I'm so proud of you. It must have been hard to let her go and spread her wings, but you knew it was for the best.

    I began crying reading your post because you are a truly thoughtful and giving soul. To remember us with everything else that has come to pass... well that just made me cry. I continue to send prayers and pixie dust for you and Hayley. May you continue to find your way and have happy memories and may you be blessed with a joyous, loving holiday season. :hug:
     
  16. 312.Duck

    312.Duck pro-Duck

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    amandamc8 -

    Thank you so much for checking in, and more so for not letting me forget this thread. Your stories tear me up like few others I've read. I mean that in a good way, in terms of life perspective. I thought losing my mom was rough till I started discovering stories such as yours while looking for information during her fight.

    All my best to you and Hayley,
    312.Duck
     

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