Mother tells 12 year old she regrets having children

[LBIJim]

No, I don't regret having kids, but sometimes I do wonder what could have been.

If given a do-over in life, I might possibly choose not to have kids, but I don't regret having the ones I have now.

 

[nugov2]

Wow. Reading that made me give my kids an extra hug. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done and has more extremes than I would have thought, but all three of my kids are blessings. I always believed in you'll never regret having another child, but might regret not having another one. Sometimes I imagine myself single on a tropical island with a drink on the beach, but I know it is just one of those grass is greener moments we all have from time to time. I always remember how much I love my own grass. ..weeds and all

 

[LBIJim]

For those of you who had kids early & sometimes wish you'd waited, let me offer another POV. My kids were born when I was 33 & 38 respectively. Now at 47, I'm still scrambling for baby sitters so DW & I can get a night out. Meanwhile my friends are becoming empty nesters & enjoying their freedom. I'll be near 60 when the youngest gets out of college.

For me, waiting was the right thing to do (I also married late). But, there's a definite upside to having kids while you're young.

I used to wish we had waited longer to have kids (both were "accidents"), but since you put it that way, I'm glad we got it over with.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

My mother's a real peach. When I was little she used to say things like, "I love you because I'm your mother and I have to, but I don't like you" and "I should've listened to your father and had the abortion." I'm not going to say it's not hurtful for an eight year old to hear those things but, in a way, I appreciated the honesty. At least we knew where we stood with each other and I didn't have to feel guilty for not liking her. Mother's Day is Sunday, right? Lol.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Some of these stories are just breaking my heart.

 

[ronandannette]

I used to wish we had waited longer to have kids (both were "accidents"), but since you put it that way, I'm glad we got it over with.

A valid sentiment. I'm (late)40'ish and DH is 60 this year. Our one DS is 18. You were probably "over it" by the time we got started!

Some of these stories are just breaking my heart.

I agree.

 

[Colleen27]

I think the article raised some very good points. Our culture really pushes a "live for the children" image of motherhood and women shouldn't be ashamed when they don't live up to that standard. Wondering about the road not taken is human nature, after all, and we don't feel guilt if we wonder what if about our choice of college major or profession, spouse, home, etc. And I think regret is really too strong a word for that sort of reflection.

But I don't think wondering about a child-free life needs to be expressed to the kids, especially not when they're young. There might be a time and place for that conversation in the context of providing a young adult child some advice/food for thought, but a kid shouldn't have to make sense of what a parent meant by a statement along those lines.

I know a lot of people who have kids young wonder about the what-ifs. I did too, once in a while, until we started trying for our third/last child and I had a very, very hard time staying pregnant. That gave me a strong sense that things happened for a reason/the way they were supposed to. If it was that hard to have a baby in my mid/late 20s, who's to say I'd have been able to have the children I wanted at all if I'd waited until later in life? And there are definitely benefits of having kids younger; at 40 I'll only have one left at home and by 50 we'll be in our last year of paying for college.

 

[wenrob]

We call our twins "Buy one get one twice the price". Twinning!

We always say, "we got the two for one deal."

Can't imagine my life without them. My only regret would be waiting so long between them and their older sister. I've never regretted any of my kids but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have days where I might have thought, "what the hell was I thinking?" But in no way would I say something like that to my kids, there are just some things you can't take back and a child will never forget.

 

[wenrob]

For those of you who had kids early & sometimes wish you'd waited, let me offer another POV. My kids were born when I was 33 & 38 respectively. Now at 47, I'm still scrambling for baby sitters so DW & I can get a night out. Meanwhile my friends are becoming empty nesters & enjoying their freedom. I'll be near 60 when the youngest gets out of college.

For me, waiting was the right thing to do (I also married late). But, there's a definite upside to having kids while you're young.

Oh yeah, so much this. I was 28 when I had my oldest (an "old maid" by my family standards) and 37 when my twins were born. My parents are not well enough to watch two young kids so that pretty much leaves my sister and oldest DD who works two jobs and goes to school. Needless to say we don't go out much. Then there's being mistaken for their grandmother. My friends my age ARE grandparents so it shouldn't bother me but man, it sure does.

 

[Pugsly]

DH's ex told their kids she never wanted children and there was no disclaimer about how glad she was that she had them. I'm not sure how old they were when she shared this with them, but obviously they haven't forgotten - because they were the ones who told me. DH has always said how self-centered she is. That jives with what some of you have said here.

 

[LBIJim]

A valid sentiment. I'm (late)40'ish and DH is 60 this year. Our one DS is 18. You were probably "over it" by the time we got started!

Yep, I was 27 and 30 when we had kids. DW was not quite 25 and then 28. At least I waited until I was 41 to get married.

BTW, I thought you are "only" 45.

 

[Magic Band Defender]

My nephew's father once told my nephew that he would've played college and maybe professional football if my nephew hadn't been born.

I knew his dad in high school, so I took the liberty of setting my poor nephew straight. His dad was an average to below average student and football player in the tiny high school we both attended. He would not have gotten any academic or football scholarships. Honestly his life would not have been very different at all if my nephew hadn't been born.

To anyone who would say they regret having children: your life would be just as average if you had not had children. The only difference is you wouldn't have an innocent child to blame for your mediocrity. Grow up.

 

[pookybean]

When I was 7 my mom dropped me off at my aunts house and told me she had to go to the hospital to make sure she wouldn't have any more kids like me. I'm an only child. When I was a teen she also told me (many times) that I was the reason she wasn't married and that no one would ever want her as long as I was around. I still remember those times and we have a very difficult relationship even today. I'm working on forgiving. I really believe she does not recall saying those things to me.

I had my first child when I was young and then my next two at not the most opportune times. When i talk about the things i didn't do because i had a child young I tend to talk about choices rather than regrets. It seems to help. My son is 20 and no babies yet! Hopefully not for quite a few more years!

 

[ronandannette]

Yep, I was 27 and 30 when we had kids. DW was not quite 25 and then 28. At least I waited until I was 41 to get married.

BTW, I thought you are "only" 45.

Nice catch...I totally meant to say (mid)40'ish.

 

[moon]

I only read a few posts so I don't know if this has been mentioned, but there was a survey a while back, where (anonymously) the number of people who regretted having children was surprisingly high. Of course few would admit it, because of the reaction they would get. I feel so bad for the kids of those parents, after all, they didn't ask to be born!

 

[LBIJim]

I only read a few posts so I don't know if this has been mentioned, but there was a survey a while back, where (anonymously) the number of people who regretted having children was surprisingly high. Of course few would admit it, because of the reaction they would get. I feel so bad for the kids of those parents, after all, they didn't ask to be born!

There was a survey decades ago in the Ann Landers advice column about this topic. The number who anonymously admitted they regretted having children was well over 50%. Of course, that's not a scientifically valid poll, but the results were surprising nonetheless.

And another Ann Landers poll was for couples currently married. If you got a do-over in life, would you marry your current spouse? The negative responses were likewise surprisingly high.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

There was a survey decades ago in the Ann Landers advice column about this topic. The number who anonymously admitted they regretted having children was well over 50%. Of course, that's not a scientifically valid poll, but the results were surprising nonetheless.

And another Ann Landers poll was for couples currently married. If you got a do-over in life, would you marry your current spouse? The negative responses were likewise surprisingly high.

I don't think saying they'd want a do over in spouses to be necessarily something negative about the current one. Some may be. But others might just be intrigued to find out what would happen if they did marry someone else.


As for the subject of this thread, there are certainly some kids I'd have no problem with telling I regretted having them if they were mine. Charles Mansion for example. But in general, I don't think that is the best thing to do.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

To anyone who would say they regret having children: your life would be just as average if you had not had children. The only difference is you wouldn't have an innocent child to blame for your mediocrity. Grow up.

I agree with you a million percent. I can’t imagine anyone thinking their life would be so amazing if only they didn’t have those gosh darn kids. I just don’t understand that sentiment.


If you have kids and your life is not amazing, believe me, it is not your child’s fault. You just lack ambition.


Many a famous author typed away after the kids were in bed. Successful athletes have children. Many actors and actresses have children. And, get ready for it, even the President of the United States has children.


I get it. Not everyone wants to have a child. And they choose not to do so. Smart move. But to actually give birth and then blame your unfulfilling life on your child is pathetic.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

I feel that the mother may feel that she is justified in her thoughts of not having children, but telling a kid just seems wrong and hurtful and can stick in their minds. My dad and mom were very young parents and too immature to raise their children. Their marriage wasn't the greatest and it all fell apart when I was in elementary school. I remember my dad telling me (I was nine) that the only reason he stayed in this bad marriage was because of me. If my mom had not been pregnant, he would have moved on with his life.
That is a burden to a kid and to this day, he still goes on about how bad the marriage was and even as an adult, I feel like it was all my fault. As a child I thought that if I was a better kid, they wouldn't have broken up. Now I just realized, their life choices affected me and putting the blame on me is crap.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think parents may say it inadvertently in ways that aren't blatant. My husband and I do not have children and people on a very regular basis tell us how lucky we are. Now those people don't know our fertility struggles but I hear how lucky we are because we have money, can run off on vacation whenever, where ever(not true) or can "sleep in" and the list goes on. I don't think these parents tell their kids they regret them but just saying these things to us within kids earshot can impact.

Then you have the parents who do things by action like staying together until kids are old enough to "accept" divorce. I've talked to numerous moms and some dads who say they just stay for the children and will leave when the children are grown. That is alot of pressure on a child to think someone was miserable or even in possible abusive relationship for 20+ years because of him/her.

On the flip side, I have told my mom that she should have never had a kid when I was frustrated with her. She is a special needs mom and it can take alot of my energy and sometimes money to care for her. I don't remember ever not being the caregiver and that really isn't fair to a kid either. For the most part I've worked through all that but sometimes people need to be honest that just because they want a child doesn't mean they should have a child.