Mother tells 12 year old she regrets having children

[MakiraMarlena]

Didn't have any so I can't regret having them. but who on earth actually TELLS their children that they regret having them. Sheesh.

 

[eliza61]

Not sure why or how this conversation would come up with a 12 year old???

My 2nd mom did tell me to make sure I wanted kids before having one. I think one of the problems we have is that we paint this "glorious" picture of motherhood. That is imo absolutely false.
Motherhood is hard, my kids aren't dis kids, there have been days when they have made me so mad I did not want to even look at them but I never regretted having them. I also don't believe that every baby is a "blessing".

But I also think I would have been a happy person had I decided not to have kids but as previous poster said, there is no going back so I can't say

also read the entire article, she makes some interesting if not good points.

I do think people have babies without realizing how their lives are going to change.
Also I think it's a cultural shift. when I was coming up, motherhood was pretty much expected. Very rare was the women who openly said they CHOSE not to have kids.

My sister still gets the occasional "do you regret not having kids"?? to which she shoots right back "do you regret having kids"??

 

[mom2rtk]

One of my daughter's friends called her a "mistake" since she's "so much" younger than her brothers. I just laughed and said "Honey, not only were you not a mistake, but I was actually on fertility drugs. You were very much on purpose."

 

[Gumbo4x4]

For those of you who had kids early & sometimes wish you'd waited, let me offer another POV. My kids were born when I was 33 & 38 respectively. Now at 47, I'm still scrambling for baby sitters so DW & I can get a night out. Meanwhile my friends are becoming empty nesters & enjoying their freedom. I'll be near 60 when the youngest gets out of college.

For me, waiting was the right thing to do (I also married late). But, there's a definite upside to having kids while you're young.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

For those of you who had kids early & sometimes wish you'd waited, let me offer another POV. My kids were born when I was 33 & 38 respectively. Now at 47, I'm still scrambling for baby sitters so DW & I can get a night out. Meanwhile my friends are becoming empty nesters & enjoying their freedom. I'll be near 60 when the youngest gets out of college.

For me, waiting was the right thing to do (I also married late). But, there's a definite upside to having kids while you're young.

This is a reason I am glad I had mine young. Sometimes when I think, "Man I wish I'd done that or traveled there..." I just remind myself that I still can! When my kids are 18, I'll be 38 so there is plenty of time, and financially, probably way more doable than it was in my 20s!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

This is a reason I am glad I had mine young. Sometimes when I think, "Man I wish I'd done that or traveled there..." I just remind myself that I still can! When my kids are 18, I'll be 38 so there is plenty of time, and financially, probably way more doable than it was in my 20s!

Exactly! Another monkey wrench for us is that due to DD9's extreme allergies, DW trusts only my parents, my sister, and DW's parents to watch the kids overnight.

Sis is too busy most of the time (her kids are a little older & independent).

DW's mom doesn't like to do it, so DW won't ask

So that leaves my parents who in the last few years have been doing the snowbird thing Oct-May because they can't take the cold now that they're well into their 70's. If I had started a family 10 years earlier, they would have been around to help more.

 

[Disneylover99]

My mother begged her four daughters to never have children, so they could lead a happy life
We never took it personally though. We know she loved us.

And only one of her daughters listened to her anyways.

 

[Andtototoo]

My aunt said that to my cousin (youngest of two). It really is unforgivable and the effects have been long-lasting, even with therapy.

From my perspective, both my aunt and uncle were both too self-absorbed to be good parents. They had their first pdq after they got married (totally ignorant of birth control) and luckily, they had tons of family support, I mean TONS, so it wasn't nearly as hard as it might have been to be young, poor, college students with a baby and toddler. They were also blessed, as my aunt said several times, by the fact that the oldest an easy going baby and toddler who never had a moment of separation anxiety, never met anyone she wouldn't go to, etc.

Then came my younger cousin. Planned and "wanted". By then, the parents were doing well and the family didn't think to offer support, but that was when they needed it because she was a difficult, time and energy-consuming baby. She was very sensitive (to everything), had non-stop colic for a year, was shy, etc. I was older when she was born, so I have my own clear memories of her and she truly was not an easy baby or toddler. She really wasn't. None of their family slept for at least a year with that colic. No kidding. She grew out of the colic, but was a very....picky person, I guess I'd say. Hard to please, easy to take offense, not naturally happy, etc. No lie, she was/is a difficult person. Born that way, really.

Her parents clearly favored the older child and to an extent, I can see now as an adult why it would be natural to do so. BUT...as a parent, you have to dig deep and do better than your best. You have to do what is right for the child you chose to bring into the world. And telling that child that you wish she'd never been born is NOT going to help that child become easier, more extroverted, or happier. Quite the opposite.

 

[jrmasm]

I tell my children they are the reason I drink.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I tell my children they are the reason I drink.

Me too.

 

[FINFAN]

wow...so hard to read that. I tell my kids if I would have chosen them out of the lot if that's the way it worked, not sure they feel the same way though lol.

 

[cleverclovers]

Why tell the child such a hurtful thing? If things didn't work out the way the parent wanted,it's their own fault, not the child's.

 

[Bluestars]

Any parent who tells their child that she regrets having them is somebody who should have never had kids. A baby is a gift to be treasured. Unless a child grows up to be a murderer or something like that, I can't imagine why a parent would ever say that to their own child. How hurtful. Some people are lousy parents. It's like telling their child that they aren't good enough and weren't worth it. That's sad.

 

[Planogirl]

My mother felt that way. In fact she regretted getting married to my father, having me and moving to the US. She left my father several times moving to various places and always dragged me along. I was like a weight to her.

Fun times. I've forgiven all of that though. I had to just to lift a load off myself.

 

[mom2rtk]

My mother felt that way. In fact she regretted getting married to my father, having me and moving to the US. She left my father several times moving to various places and always dragged me along. I was like a weight to her.

Fun times. I've forgiven all of that though. I had to just to lift a load off myself.

You're a bigger person than I am.

 

[ronandannette]

I think that is something you should never say to your children, no matter their age. That is one of those comments that can never be taken back or unheard.

Nope, never. There's no way to put lipstick on such a "pig" of a statement. to anybody out there that has ever been burdened in such a heartless way.

 

[usd2bmd]

My sister has children and I love her to death, but she ahs said to me and to her kids that if she had to do it over again she would not have had kids. Her kids are not bad, she did not have them young or before she was married. She is just self absorbed. They are all grown now and all wonderful people in spite of that. We had one child and I have never regretted the decision to have her OR the decision to NOT have more.

 

[Planogirl]

You're a bigger person than I am.

I had a great Dad so I don't regret any of it.

 

[mom2rtk]

I had a great Dad so I don't regret any of it.

That's awesome.

 

[Planogirl]

That's awesome.

It's just my way of saying it happens and you look for other good stuff. And eventually move on and let it go.