Looking for some support **Final Update**

[huskies90]

**Final Update Page 6 Post 77**


…and this is also somewhat budget related. But really, I am posting here because the budget board is the best and most compassionate forum on Dis.

About 2 months ago my wife of over 18 years told me she has changed and no longer loves me anymore. I have done everything possible since to try to turn things around but it has been an uphill battle and it is getting worse every day. I came to the realization that although there is still a glimmer of hope things will turn around, I have to face the fact that our marriage is most likely over. We have two daughters, 13 and 10. My wife just went back to work full time last fall. She had been working part time and mostly from home since my eldest daughter was born. I have been the bread winner for our entire marriage and make about 3 times what she makes. This is all coming from her as my feelings have not changed and I envisioned being with her forever. I am not sure what caused the sudden change in her feelings but I have a pretty good idea it is another guy.

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

 

[ThanksForNoticingMe]

Geez that is horrible and beyond sad

You need to look into getting the BEST lawyer you can find....and as soon as possible. I am sure you don't want things to get nasty, but you really need to get the lawyer to protect yourself and your assets.

 

[sissy_42]

…and this is also somewhat budget related. But really, I am posting here because the budget board is the best and most compassionate forum on Dis.

About 2 months ago my dear wife of over 18 years told me she has changed and no longer loves me anymore. I have done everything possible since to try to turn things around but it has been an uphill battle and it is getting worse every day. I came to the realization that although there is still a glimmer of hope things will turn around, I have to face the fact that our marriage is most likely over. We have two daughters, 13 and 10. My wife just went back to work full time last fall. She had been working part time and mostly from home since my eldest daughter was born. I have been the bread winner for our entire marriage and make about 3 times what she makes. This is all coming from her as my feelings have not changed and I envisioned being with her forever. I am not sure what caused the sudden change in her feelings but I have a pretty good idea it is another guy.

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

I wish I could offer more than just my condolences.

 

[cmrules]

DO NOT MOVE OUT. go talk to a lawyer. if she wants to end your marriage that you want to stay in then stay put in your house that you paid for let her leave. let her support herself. again discuss this with a lawyer before you do anything.

 

[Jazcat]

wow how horrible for you have you asked for cousenling that way you can show that you will try to keep marriage in tact. This is bad my stepmom did the same thing to my dad they got married he had the house she quit working to raise us but just quit without talking with my dad. and she did get half of everything because her parents hired her a good lawyer. so hire a good lawyer

 

[huskies90]

DO NOT MOVE OUT. go talk to a lawyer. if she wants to end your marriage that you want to stay in then stay put in your house that you paid for let her leave. let her support herself. again discuss this with a lawyer before you do anything.

I can't imagine any scenario where I would get her to move out but that would be ideal and I know my kids would rather be with me but again, that is probably not going to happen. While I am always up for a good fight, I am not up for giving everything to a couple of lawyers which is what always ends up happening when you try to fight.

 

[huskies90]

wow how horrible for you have you asked for cousenling that way you can show that you will try to keep marriage in tact.

I have asked every day to go to counseling; together, independently or whatever. She won't do it.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Try to stay strong and think of your new life with your kids.....focus on them. I hope things work out for you.

 

[gk90]

I don't know anything about the financial side of it, but is there any way you could try and get her to stay a little longer for the sake of the kids? Conventional wisdom used to be that it was better for couples in an unhappy marriage to get divorced and staying together for the kids' sake was bad for them, but there's research now that says it's actually better to try to stay for the kids:
http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/unhappy-marriage.htm
and more info on that as a divorce myth here:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

And an interesting study that says that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

Sending good thoughts for things to work out for you and your kids.

 

[Cruise]

I guess I come to this from the other side of the coin. Yes, my DH has been the breadwinner for most of our marriage. Does that mean I didn't contribute?

Your wife gave you two children. She stayed home to take care of them. How much would full-time child care have cost you for the first 5 years of each of their lives and then part-time care till this point? I can only assume that, being at home, your wife did the lion's share of the housework including cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of any pets you may have. Then I'm guessing she's also your children's "tutor," helping with homework after school and being a chauffeur to any after school activities. Without all these things, your wife probably could have also advanced to a place in her career where she no longer needed any additional support in order to make it by on her own - but she didn't. Instead, she stayed home and did those things for your family.

Ultimately, if you two do split, only the two of you can decide what is "fair." But please keep in mind that she may feel like she has "sacrificed" a part of herself over the years as well which has put her in a situation where she can't make as much as she could have had she been the one that could pursue her career for the past 13 years.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[lorac4disney]

No real advice, but I do want you to know that we are here for you.

Just a few things to think about though. Is there anything that she has ever said at any point which would give you a starting point as something to work on in order to make yourself into someone she would want to be with? I'm talking about if there was anything that she complained about? Could she be going through a mid-life crisis?

I hate to admit it, but DH and I hit rocky patches as well. Went so far as to file for divorce, have temporary hearings, and trying to settle on the final agreement. In court, DH requested that we attend divorce counseling so that we could continue to work together for the best interest of our child. I had absolutely no interest in saving the marriage so it really helped that he stopped pressuring me to take him back and instead focused on what was in our daughter's best interest. The counselor was very good. Go whether she wants to go or not. At least that is what my DH did.

After a while, I was impressed that DH was going to change for the better regardless of whether I was with him or not. After a while, I got to thinking that I didn't want anyone to enjoy the much improved DH after I had been the one who had put up with him at his worst. If anyone gets that benefit, it should be me. I had earned it.

DH and I will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this year. We wouldn't have made it this far had it not been for how he handled things.

 

[lizerbug]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have to agree with a previous post. Get a lawyer. It will most likely cost you less in the long run. When my ex-husband and I divorced, I never asked for a cent. I left and supported myself and my daughter. I know that not every woman would do this though. Think about it this way. Your life is not over. You have a future. Don't waste it. You've done what you can. Stay in the house, get a lawyer, and begin the rest of your life. Be the best father you can be. Ask for AT LEAST joint custody. There's no reason why a judge wouldn't award joint custody. You have no problem supporting the children financially and it sounds like you're a good parent. Don't give your wife any more of your life, the rest of it belongs to you. Good luck....

 

[huskies90]

I guess I come to this from the other side of the coin. Yes, my DH has been the breadwinner for most of our marriage. Does that mean I didn't contribute?

Your wife gave you two children. She stayed home to take care of them. How much would full-time child care have cost you for the first 5 years of each of their lives and then part-time care till this point? I can only assume that, being at home, your wife did the lion's share of the housework including cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of any pets you may have. Then I'm guessing she's also your children's "tutor," helping with homework after school and being a chauffeur to any after school activities. Without all these things, your wife probably could have also advanced to a place in her career where she no longer needed any additional support in order to make it by on her own - but she didn't. Instead, she stayed home and did those things for your family.

Ultimately, if you two do split, only the two of you can decide what is "fair." But please keep in mind that she may feel like she has "sacrificed" a part of herself over the years as well which has put her in a situation where she can't make as much as she could have had she been the one that could pursue her career for the past 13 years.

I agree with this if it was me who was kicking her out. Everything you state screams partnership. That is why you give up your career for you family - partnership.

 

[Cruise]

I agree with this if it was me who was kicking her out. Everything you state screams partnership. That is why you give up your career for you family - partnership.

So because you made the money, you're the one who gets to decide if it ends? Your wife isn't entitled to her feelings or try to change a situation that makes her unhappy?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying.... Are you saying she didn't do these things and therefore wasn't a partner? Otherwise, I'm confused. Because if she did, then you're saying she was a partner and therefore equally involved in getting you both to the place you are today.

 

[Cruise]

In any event, the answer you're really looking for is, no, Connecticut is not a community property state. It is an equitable distribution state which means the court can decide division of assets due to circumstances such as who contributed what to the marriage, the length of the marriage, both spouses potential for income, etc.

If your wife is asking for half and you feel that isn't fair, then your best bet is going to be to go to court and present your reasons and have assets divided that way.

 

[huskies90]

So because you made the money, you're the one who gets to decide if it ends? Your wife isn't entitled to her feelings or try to change a situation that makes her unhappy?

Sure. She can do (and will do) whatever she wants...

 

[huskies90]

No real advice, but I do want you to know that we are here for you.

Thank you...That is why I love the Budget Board!!!

 

[DVCBELLE]

As a SAHM, I have to agree that while my DH does bring home all the money - I still play a large part in our house. It was a JOINT decision for me to stay home with our kids. I am willing to bet that in the last 18 years that she did a lot of things to save you money as a family. You know expenses like daycare, lunches out, wardrobe, gas, cleaning service, car wear and tear, etc.

I understand your hurt - I really do but to say she doesn't deserve a fair share of what you two have built sounds HORRIBLE to me.

I hate to be blunt here - but that might be part of the problem. It seems to me that you don't view your wife as an equal partner in your marriage and she has probably felt that way for quite some time. Has she ever expressed this to you?

You don't just stop loving someone - even if it was another man - she didn't just stop loving you.

Man up and take a good inventory of your life and how you have contributed to the current problems in your marriage. Has she never really told you before what the problems are?

I have done everything possible since to try to turn things around but it has been an uphill battle and it is getting worse every day.

I have a girlfriend getting divorced and she had expressed her feelings to her husband for YEARS and he never took them seriously - until the day she told him she wanted a divorce. Since then she said he has totally turned around (particularly with the kids) and she said it makes her sick. That clearly he had it in him all along but he didn't care enough to try when she still loved him.

ETA: Rereading this - I am sorry if I come off as harsh - think of it as tough love I think b/c I am seeing it from a SAHM point of view - I got a little upset - but I do still stand by my opinion. I can sit here and tell you how bad I feel or maybe I can tell you a personal experience that might get you thinking! Good luck - I am really sorry you are going through this!!

 

[Mickey527]

CT is a real tough state for men. I will tell you my stories:
My ex left me when my boys were 2,6 and 8 and I fought tooth and nail to get the house. He didn't want custody. just wanted me out of the house. All he asked for was that the house be sold and money split, he didn't care where we went after that. I didn't ask for alimony, just money to support the boys until I finished school. I had quit college to be a housewife for almost 13 years and had to go back to finish. He wasn't happy but the judge did give me the kids and child support ($200 a month so I wasn't living high on the hog)
My now 33 year old is fighting daily for his son's custody. he has it now but she is bipolar and refuses meds. She gets released from the hospital goes to court and gets custody back then goes bipolar again and he has to do it all over again. They said they will never take custody away from her permanently, in the state of CT they feel the mother should be allowed to raise their children as long as they show desire. So he pays his lawyer $2,000 every 3rd month to get custody and has been doing this for the past 3 years.
Now for you: don't leave the house, file for divorce and ask for full custody. She might ask too but if you show that you want it it will give you leverage, my ex didn't even ask and it made him look bad.
File before she does, don't wait to get served. She doesn't sound like she is going to back down, so let her know that you accept it and will fight for what is yours. CT is a no fault state, so you don't have to show reason or fault, just that you want the marriage dissolved.
In CT all involved have to go to councelling before they are granted a divorce. Your lawyer will tell you how to schedule this when you file.
they will also set up something for your children if they are over 12. They do take into account what the children want, if it is living with you or her. Don't bring it up with them, and hopefully your wife won't because that can't be good for the kids, but let them know you will be there for them for anything they need and whatever they decide. And believe me, they will say some bad things about both of you before this is all done, don't take it to heart, they are going to be hurting too.
Your lawyer will tell you what you have to do with your savings etc... Don't take it out, but talk to the bank and see if you can put a freeze on it so she can't either. My ex SIL cleared out my brother and her savings 2 months before she filed. He never looked at the accounts so he didn't notice till it was all gone. She did it before she filed so the court couldn't make her give it back.
Hope this helps. There is a father's group that will give you names of lawyers in your area that will help you fight. I am a female but I see what it has done to my son both financially and mentally, so I hate to see a man get burned too

 

[huskies90]

First, she was a SAHM but kept her job and worked part time and I never said she shouldn't get half of what we saved. It just hurts that it has to be split in half. I would be OK selling our house and splitting the nest egg in half but that is not why you save and save for years just split it half (ya know, total more than the sum of its parts deal). And I know it will go down that way when all is said and done. I am not an idiot. But what I am not crazy about is supporting her now for the next 10 years which is usually how that works (1/2 the term of the marriage). Again, yes I get she is entitled but now I have to start my life over and have to climb that hill. Plus, i'll be the one who has to leave my house and my kids even though I am happy where I am. I get she gets all that and is entitled. I get that. Thank you. It just (insert bad word here).

As for the why's those are all good points and good questions. It is definately partially a mid life crisis. It is also that our marriage has not been the most exciting marriage in the world. Plus she went from her parents to me with almost no time for "fun" in between. She met a guy who is in a marriage that is ending that is home all day and he is going out of his way to spend time with her. She is liking all the attention that yes, perhaps I wasn't giving her as much in recent years. That happens after 18 years. So that is what I was trying to change, being more attentive to her and giving her more space. But giving her more space just met she is spending more time with the other guy and like the PP said, me being more attentive is just making her sick to the point where she is saying stop you are trying too hard. Maybe this is just an infatuation and it will blow over. She has not requested anything surrounding divorce other than her actions that she does not want to be around me. I think if she had her way, I would just continue to be her roomate and help pay the mortgage for her. I am sure she knows that a divorce will be tough on both of us financially (at least compared to how we live now) and of course, will be hard on our kids as well.