looking for advice - elderly alcoholic mother living alone

[longneckthree]

Hi all. I am a lurker and am amazed at the depth of knowledge y'all have. So I thought what a great place to come for some support and maybe some help.
My mother is 75 , living alone about 2 hours from me. I have one brother(who is no help with anything - he thinks my mom's drinking isn't a problem). She's gets enough money to live on if she lived within her means and didn't go to the corner store three times a day to "get her dinner" but she really buying wine. She tells everyone what they want to hear and agrees with everything. Right now my uncle has taken over her bills (or is trying to) He lives in Maryland and we live in MA, so its tough for them. Also she has no social life - she doesn't want one(except if she can drink). We have offered to have her live here but we don't drink and she doesn't like my husband>
So two Questions
1. How do you get an alcoholic to stop drinking?( And she's driving while drinking) and
2. Would having her declared incompetent help in any way?
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you in advance!!
Maggie

 

[Allison]

You don't get an alcoholic to stop drinking. They have to do it themselves.

Having someone declared incompetent is a daunting task. That you consider her to be an alcoholic isn't going to do it and it isn't going to help the drinking.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Well, I'm not what you would call an expert, but:

1. How do you get an alcoholic to stop drinking?( And she's driving while drinking)?

You can't. You can call the police on her if you know she's driving intoxicated (and where she is). Perhaps being arrested will assist her in wanting to make her own recovery. But if it doesn't, there's really not much you can do until she screws up so badly she ends up in the hospital.

2. Would having her declared incompetent help in any way?

Yes, but getting her declared incompetent will be basically impossible. She's not incompetent, just sick. She has the right to choose to drink herself to death.


I'm sorry to be blunt like this, but it's best you accept the fact now that: 1) There's nothing you can do and 2) None of this is your fault. She has to make the decision to turn around on her own. You can attempt to get friends and family to do an "intervention", but these do not work out as often as TV reality shows would lead you to believe. Often, they just result in the alcoholic family member completely cutting those persons out of their life entirely. Hopefully, your mother will hit rock bottom soon, in a way that won't kill her or others, or leave her permanently incapacitated. That's the best thing that could happen.

My mother lost her best friend (my pseudo-mother) last winter to alcoholism. She literally drank herself to death. She had been through rehab once before. She was subjected to a failed intervention after she relapsed. I dreamt about her last night.

 

[lvillotta1]

Absolutely nothing. Something life altering will happen and at that time then you will need to make some decisions. But until that happens just leave things the way they are.

 

[Ceila]

I don't know if this would help, but you could try contacting the local police department and advising them that she drinks and drives. If it's a small enough town, they may be able to make a point of driving down her street periodically. Or, if you know she's out while drinking, call them and let them know where she is. With luck, they could get there before she heads back home.

 

[sk!mom]

First of all, I'm sorry and sympathetic. Dealing with elderly parents can be very difficult. They need help but won't take it or want help that you can't give. Already lived through it twice with DH's parents and in the thick of it now with mine.

Is she incompetent? If so, then do all you can to help and it still may not be much. If she isn't, then leave her alone. She's an adult and if she wants to drink then she can and you can't stop her.

I've been on both sides. DH's parents were fine mentally but very ill and should have been in assisted living but refused until the end.

My dad is 75 and has Alzheimer's so is is becoming less and less able to make his own decisions. At least for now, he will listen to my mom and my older sister.

God bless you! It's hard.

 

[longneckthree]

Thank you all for the replies. I know we just have to leave her to do what she wants but its hard to do it when we know all she has to do is to stop drinking. (I was just hoping for some magic cure because this is the Disboards,after all. I'm kidding please don't get all upset) She is looking at losing her house in the near future because she drank up all the money to pay the taxes. Maybe that will be rock bottom, but it was my grandmother's house.
Thanks again!!
Maggie

 

[Tiggeroo]

have her put the house in your name in exchange for you paying the taxes. Then when she is gone it will be yours without inheritance taxes. The only other step I might take is finding a way to take the car from her. I would make sure nobody in the family helps her with repairs on it. If I lived near enough and saw her get in the vehicle drunk I would call the police. I might consider calling them anyway and discussing the situation. I would hate to see an innocent person get hurt over this.

 

[NewRVLady]

have her put the house in your name in exchange for you paying the taxes. Then when she is gone it will be yours without inheritance taxes. The only other step I might take is finding a way to take the car from her. I would make sure nobody in the family helps her with repairs on it. If I lived near enough and saw her get in the vehicle drunk I would call the police. I might consider calling them anyway and discussing the situation. I would hate to see an innocent person get hurt over this.

If she ever has to go into Nursing Home they would consider this as hiding assets, I think?

 

[mom2rtk]

have her put the house in your name in exchange for you paying the taxes. Then when she is gone it will be yours without inheritance taxes. The only other step I might take is finding a way to take the car from her. I would make sure nobody in the family helps her with repairs on it. If I lived near enough and saw her get in the vehicle drunk I would call the police. I might consider calling them anyway and discussing the situation. I would hate to see an innocent person get hurt over this.

I agree.

You can't solve your mom's problem with alcohol. And I can't tell you how, but please try to get the car out of her hands. Maybe next time it needs repairs offer to take it in for her, but keep delaying its return?

 

[Tiggeroo]

If she ever has to go into Nursing Home they would consider this as hiding assets, I think?

Not if it is more then I believe 7 years until she goes in to a nursing home. And it's only hiding assetts if you don't disclose it. If she goes in to a nursing home and the home transfer is less then whatever the reporting window, then you report it and the home is an asset toward her bill. But if she doesn't go in a home then you will be able to keep the home in your family and at least keep a roof over your mother's head. Just make sure to draw up a legal lease.

 

[happily single]

While you cannot control her drinking i suggest contacting either the Dept of Elderly Affairs or the Social service dept of the town she lives in. Maybe they can intervene somehow

 

[NHdisneylover]

The only thing I can suggest will only be helpful insofar as getting her off the road (hopefully) before she injures or kills someone.

DH's widowed aunt was drinking heavily and had two accidents while drunk--both near home and neither causing major damage to others. The neighbors, in an attempt to be helpful, did not call police. Other family members spoke to the neighbors and let them know that they had tried to get her to seek help, and also that they had tried taking her keys and they were worried about both her safety and that of others and to PLEASE call police if there was another accident.
So after accident number 3, police were called and she lost her license (and ended up in the hospital for some injuries she got in it, and they held her long enough to detox her and got her to talk to social services, which was helpful.