I'm not sure what to do.

[EmilyS90]

My grandfather fell a week ago and its been decided that he can no longer live alone. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home. And I don't blame him. Insurance won't pay a done for in- home care. So that will cost a fortune.

My parents would like for me to take care of him. Little bit about me: I'm 24, my fiance and my 5 yr old daughter live with me in our 2 bedroom apt. We both work full time, I'm still finishing school, he's starting school soon. We would either have to move to my grandpa's house, which is far from where we work and where I go to school, or we'd have to rent a 3 bedroom house or apt and move there, and still hire someone to stay with him while we're at work.

My parents will not even consider having him live with them, though they're retired, have a large house with plenty of space, and no current obligations.

Is it unfair of me to at least ask them to TRY having him stay there before I rearrange my life? We're still just starting out and JUST now financially stable, and this is really overwhelming.

 

[bdcp]

My grandfather fell a week ago and its been decided that he can no longer live alone. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home. And I don't blame him. Insurance won't pay a done for in- home care. So that will cost a fortune.

My parents would like for me to take care of him. Little bit about me: I'm 24, my fiance and my 5 yr old daughter live with me in our 2 bedroom apt. We both work full time, I'm still finishing school, he's starting school soon. We would either have to move to my grandpa's house, which is far from where we work and where I go to school, or we'd have to rent a 3 bedroom house or apt and move there, and still hire someone to stay with him while we're at work.

My parents will not even consider having him live with them, though they're retired, have a large house with plenty of space, and no current obligations.

Is it unfair of me to at least ask them to TRY having him stay there before I rearrange my life? We're still just starting out and JUST now financially stable, and this is really overwhelming.

I think it's unfair of your parents to ask you to do this. It would be different if you had volunteered, but he is the father of either your mom or dad and they need to figure this out. This is their issue right now and it sounds like they are in a better position than you, but aren't willing to do it. That doesn't mean you have to. What about an assisted living apartment? You only have to get the help you need but it's outfitted for people with mobility issues, etc.

One fall is enough to make him move? My MIL has fallen about 5 times and my FIL isn't a lot of help, but they will not move under any circumstances at this point. It's become a battle of wills and not of logic.

 

[EmilyS90]

I think it's unfair of your parents to ask you to do this. It would be different if you had volunteered, but he is the father of either your mom or dad and they need to figure this out. This is their issue right now and it sounds like they are in a better position than you, but aren't willing to do it. That doesn't mean you have to. What about an assisted living apartment? You only have to get the help you need but it's outfitted for people with mobility issues, etc.

One fall is enough to make him move? My MIL has fallen about 5 times and my FIL isn't a lot of help, but they will not move under any circumstances at this point. It's become a battle of wills and not of logic.

I suggested assisted living but he doesnt want that either. This isn't the first fall, but it's the first one he hasnt been able to get up from. And now at the hospital he can't get out of bed without help.

 

[mommasita]

Gosh, that really does seem unfair.
Is there some kind of in between.. Somewhere where he can have something like a Philips lifeline, and perhaps a time of nurse visit him and/or family to check in.
Since he seems to not want assistant living.. He may give him some freedom, but give you (general you, his family) a sense of him having security with the lifeline buttoN?

 

[bwvBound]

My grandfather fell a week ago and its been decided that he can no longer live alone. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home. And I don't blame him. Insurance won't pay a done for in- home care. So that will cost a fortune.

My parents would like for me to take care of him. Little bit about me: I'm 24, my fiance and my 5 yr old daughter live with me in our 2 bedroom apt. We both work full time, I'm still finishing school, he's starting school soon. We would either have to move to my grandpa's house, which is far from where we work and where I go to school, or we'd have to rent a 3 bedroom house or apt and move there, and still hire someone to stay with him while we're at work.

My parents will not even consider having him live with them, though they're retired, have a large house with plenty of space, and no current obligations.

Is it unfair of me to at least ask them to TRY having him stay there before I rearrange my life? We're still just starting out and JUST now financially stable, and this is really overwhelming.

Perhaps your parents meant it as a paid job -- replacing the current full time job while you continue school? Have you asked them for clarification?

 

[cjbcam]

I would say no. It is a bad situation and I'm sure you would feel guilty but you don't seem in the position to help. Unless your parents are offering it as a paid position that's awful for them to place this on you.

 

[Zim]

I don't know if you've already made a choice, or if having number two on the way has made the decision for you.... but I can say I would strongly recommend you not obligate yourself to this. I'm sure your parents are thinking they just got the little ones out of the nest and are up for the carefree retirement years, but they are the sandwich generation for a reason... it does fall to them to take care of their elders... not to place that responsibility on their children. Especially with so much going on in your life. My grandmother just passed away at the age of 93 - the last few years have been particularly rough for my aunt who, with her son, moved in after a divorce some twenty years ago. She ended up playing caretaker until the very end because my grandmother would have nothing to do with a nursing home. It was really hard in the latter years as she became more and more dependent, waking up to assist her in the middle of the night, dealing with medication imbalances, etc. More than anything else, this is a level of stress you can completely avoid in your new family unit - one that will, IMHO, unnecessarily test it. I am amazed you are taking on as much as you are with kids, school and everything else you mentioned. Maybe your folks just think you have a neverending supply of energy and time - but you do, and you need to say no!

 

[cijay]

Don't do it, don't give in. I just went through this with my father (unlike you though, I really WAS the most logical person to do it). You lose freedom and indepndence and as the months/years go by they become more and more childish. I understand it's because THEY are frustrated. If he does end up moving in, home care/companion care is well worth it. We just got my dad talked into taking homecare while I was out at work but his lungs and kidney's failed and he went into pallitive care.

 

[greentea]

Don't do it, and don't let yourself be guilt-tripped or manipulated into it. Maybe have your fiance be the "bad guy" if you have to, either directly or indirectly -- it might make it easier to say no. It is not unfair of you to say you can't take this on. It is unfair of your parents to expect you to do it. They "won't even consider" letting him stay with them but you're expected to? Nope nope nope. You have so much going on and you don't have the time, space, or money to manage this. I think your grandfather and your parents need to be more realistic about this. I see two options if he can't afford home care -- and they are your parents' house or assisted living.

 

[aprilgeorge2008]

In my opinion (which to most people seem to think is old fashioned) the children took care of the parents. Your parents seem to think their responsibility is negated because they have "time" now. Uprooting your life will make it harder on everyone involved. Your parents really need to make a decision themselves and solve the problem. If you were willing and able it would be a different story. I will be faced with this problem in a few years with my own parents.

 

[danny1649]

I really think I agree with most that for you to do . Is the some thing you should not try to do. Does he have chance for Medicate or SS disability so he could get more money each week.

 

[Poohlove]

I don't think it is fair of your parents to put this situation on you either. We currently have a similar scenario with my 87 year old grandmother but my aunt and my dad worked out an arrangement where they stay with her at her house for a week at a time and care for her there. She was on hospice but due to no health decline she has recently lost that benefit. (She suffers from dementia) They also had home health aids coming in to help out but it became too expensive. Maybe your parents could contact the local department of senior services to see what kind d of resources are availAble.