How to stop hating your ex ?

Discussion in 'Disney for Adults and Solo Travelers' started by magicmouse2, Sep 17, 2008.

  1. magicmouse2

    magicmouse2 DIS Veteran

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    I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband.:guilty: I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!! :mad:
    Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!
     
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  3. nurse.darcy

    nurse.darcy DIS Veteran

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    Its not easy. but you must focus on the positives. . .that will sustain you. . .
     
  4. buena vista

    buena vista DIS Veteran

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    Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

    If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

    I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that :).
     
  5. magicmouse2

    magicmouse2 DIS Veteran

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    Wow thankyou that really moved me. Actually I have never looked at it as though 'it was in the past'. :hug: :grouphug: I have got to get into the 'future me' and stop living in the 'past me' and you guys help sooo much with your words of wisdom!:hug:
    I dont have any living family or close friends around me anymore, but you are all helping me to move on and stay living rather than existing. Thankyou.:hug:
     
  6. Juliegirl1

    Juliegirl1 DIS Veteran

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    This is sooo true. Another thing I did was to forgive my ex. Not to his face (I never would have been able to get the words out with the way he interrupts me) but I sat down with a picture of him and talked to it. I told him all the mean, ugly things he did to me and how it made me feel and that I forgave him. I also told his picture that I was not going to allow him to make me feel that way again. I started to stand up for myself and I no longer let him walk all over me. He used to disrupt my plans and demanded to know what I was doing on my own time (yes - this was after our divorce was final). I can't tell you how many times I have told him that my life was no longer none of his business unless it affected our son. He has learned to stop asking and more or less respects my time alone when he has our son.

    Burn a picture of him or get rid of something you had together. That helps too. Another thing I do is look for all the positive traits he gave my son and give my son a hug and a kiss. You loved him at one time and if you have kids they are also part of your ex and you still love them.

    Believe me I do know how hard it is. :grouphug: It's been six years and I still have my moments.
     
  7. Jill in Chicago

    Jill in Chicago DIS Veteran

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    For my brand new SIL (who we all LOVE) it is the fact that she married her ex in the first place. She cherishes her two daughters, but the man was horrible. He abused her mentally and physically. He continues to do dumb inconsiderate things and she questions why in the world she one: married him, and two: stayed married to him. She questions her own sanity.

    Now that she's married to my brother, her self esteem is slowly growing. We have all worked hard to shut our mouths and not comment on her horrible ex, because, as my brother explained every time we do she takes it as a hit against her poor choice in marrying the jerk in the first place. (We never talk poorly about the ex in front of the girls. They are older now anyways and they "get it," and what a jerk he is."

    So not knowing your whole story cut yourself some slack. What was, was, and now it's over. You made the right choice to move on. Every time you can pat yourself on the back for the good decision you made.
     
  8. nurse.darcy

    nurse.darcy DIS Veteran

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    Wow, Tom that was really insightful. As a person who can easily compartmentalize my hurt and anger and then allow myself to move forward, I sometimes have difficulty understanding those who can't - or choose not to. Very helpful advice.
     
  9. BellTinkR

    BellTinkR Earning My Ears

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    You've gotten some excellent advice here. The fact that you WANT to stop is a good indicator that very soon, you will simply be done with all that and move on.

    Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE. You cannot control your feelings much, but you can control your behavior. So you can "act as if" you have moved on, which may have some effect on the feelings, make them disspate further.

    But overall, I'd just let the feelings alone - they'll be finished when they are finished, in their own good time, so just concentrate on your behavior until they're done!

    I wish you luck and joy!

    Tink *~*~*
     
  10. MATTERHORN

    MATTERHORN <font color=purple>HA HA take that all of you unco

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    Great advice from everyone!! Some that I will try to practice as I still struggle with this every so often. Even when I talk to him about the kids, I find that sometimes he still manages to get under my skin! I have to stop allowing him to do that. We are fine, and we will be fine!!

    Andrea
     
  11. jadedbeauty14304

    jadedbeauty14304 DIS Veteran

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    Great advice from everyone! Just remember to be patient with yourself, and give yourself time. Feel the emotions that you are feeling. Don't try to suppress them, or they can manifest as physical symptoms down the road. Trust me on this one, I have been a "bottler" my entire life. I finally found the outlet of writing poetry to help me stop having intense hurtful feelings towards Tawney's dad. I wrote poetry to him telling him how I felt. (never showed it to him, it was for MY benefit, and not his) And eventually I forgave him for what he did to us, and got my life back. Sometimes it would scare me to have those intense idea's of physically harming him, but once I sat down and picked up a pen and let it all flow out of my fingers, it started to help.

    If you want to read anything I wrote, PM me, and just remember.. it does get better with time.
     
  12. justcantwait

    justcantwait DIS Veteran

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    I had a hard time getting over my first marriage too, until I met my second (and last!) husband. We were both divorced due to cheating spouses. One night he said "I wish I met you 15 years ago." My answer to that was that we had to go through what we went through to become who we were at that moment. It wouldn't have worked 15 years before. We were both stronger, and more focused on what we were looking for, what we would accept, and what we wouldn't. We probably wouldn't have given each other a second thought 15 years before. Just know that what you're going through WILL make you a better person, as long as you're willing to move toward that, and away from the past. One foot in front of the other... HTH

    Kathy
     
  13. disneydeb

    disneydeb DIS Veteran

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    sell him to pirates aaarrrggg!pirate: lol :hug: :grouphug: :flower3: if that dont work get your mama after him!
     
  14. disneydeb

    disneydeb DIS Veteran

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    to me this is some of the best advice seriously:thumbsup2
     
  15. LindaBabe

    LindaBabe DIS Veteran

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    From experience (I'm old) I can also tell you that 40 years from now, you probably won't even remember what he looks like, let alone get angry at the thought of him. Tincture of time has a way of drawing a merciful veil over the past.

    What I didn't do back then, but should have, (Hind sight being 20-20) was spend my newly free time working on improving myself - my career - my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing, and setting some goals to pursue, rather than letting life 'happen'. Oddly enough, the future turned out ok, anyway.
     
  16. 2BoysMom

    2BoysMom Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver t

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    I had someone hurt me recently. It was taking me a long time "to get over it." First I cried, then I got angry and even when I tried to imagine myself talking back to them, about the hurtful comment they made, I would get upset all over again. I wasn't able to "get a grip" over this apparent injustice to me, even after a few weeks.

    Then I re-read a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, that helped me put my issues in perspective.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

    It's sort of a concise way of saying much of what others have advised you on this post. I hope it helps you, too. :thumbsup2
     
  17. DisneyDivaMom

    DisneyDivaMom Every day is a Disney day!

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    Then I re-read a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, that helped me put my issues in perspective.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

    Oh, I like that one! I don't let my ex take up real estate in my head. I do much better when I keep that mindset.
     
  18. connorsmom911

    connorsmom911 DIS Veteran

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    I'm definitely still working on "getting over" my ex, but one thing that my mom said that sticks with me, and I try to draw on in my weak moments...

    "Sometimes there are just things that you won't get an explanation for, that you will never understand. You didn't do anything to deserve what happened to you, any more so than a murder victim did anything to deserve being murdered. Going back over and over your years together thinking you could have done something to prevent it is useless. It was inevitable, like a ticking time bomb."

    Not exactly the rosy-est of explanations, but it somehow makes me feel better.

    So, next week when my divorce is final, I am celebrating with the following mantra...

    "Picked the wrong guy, gave him the wrong finger."
     
  19. ny to wdw

    ny to wdw Earning My Ears

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    such a great line!!!

    when i first was informed that my marriage was over i was truly devastated. i have always been the man in my extended family where others had turned to for help and solace when they were experiencing troubled times, so when i was going through my breakup i was so amazed and gratified with the support i recieved from everyone. the support was so overwhelming that i truly started to realize, slowly of course, that i was a good person and i shouldnt be so down on life in general. when you receive incredible support form the ex-spouses own family you really start to feel better.

    as the hurt passed i decided that i was not going to let this ruin my life. i almost let my depression cost me my long time job, so i woke up an realized i had to take control. i took what happened to me and placed it in its own little compartment, like darcy mentioned, and started to move on with my life.

    then the anger started creeping into my life. any time i had felt anger like i was feeling the outcome was never ever any good. it usually made things much worse. anger clouds the rational mind like nothing else. so i refused to give in to it. i am better then that. this was a major realization for me. it was always easy to give into anger, it is harder not to give into anger.

    i looked in the mirror and i liked the person i saw there. i still had the love of my sons, still had my job and my health was better then it has been in years. so it was now time to go out into the world and be me. it was odd that after giving my all for so many years and someone gives it back you usually dont feel good about yourself but i did feel good. people would ask me how much weight did i lose and i told them 35 pounds and 130 pounds. they look at me and say 165 pounds and i laugh and tell them i personally lost 35 pounds and i lost 130 pounds off of my back.

    so after time i went out into the world and somehow, call it fate or just dumb luck, i met that special person. if i had given in to the anger and let it overtake me i would have never seen her there and would have missed out on what is becoming a very happy time in my life.

    strangely i did ask my ex, if she was surprised at my reaction to her telling me she wanted a divorce. she said yes she was and was expecting me to react in a rather nasty and angry nature. i told her that after so many years she never really got to know me after all. i walked away from that smiling and i knew that by keeping my anger in check it changed how i felt and really socked her really good, much better then any angry outburst ever could have accomplished.

    hate is just a wasted emotion. that emotion can definitly be used in much better ways

    sorry if too long
     
  20. bdoyledimou

    bdoyledimou Pop Road Warrior -Travelling they way they did in

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    OP;

    Just remember that people change over time.
    Who you are today is not the same as the person you were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago, or even yesterday.. You learn and grow with each experience.

    You are now growing and becoming a different person today, as is your ex. Eventually you will be two people that neither of you know at all.

    To many people try to stop and live in that hurt full moment. Leave it where it was, you need some space for your future to be carrying the past around with you.

    While i will never forgive my ex for what she did to me, we have children together, and she will always be a part of my life through them.. so i move on..

    and found myself even more in love with a wonderful woman whom i never would have met if not for my ex's actions..

    Everything happens for a reason...

    :wizard:
     
  21. Jackee

    Jackee Earning My Ears

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    If you just had a tough breakup with your companion recently then you will feel like that your heart is broken and you don’t feel like doing nothing. Its always very difficult to gather the pieces and crop up with a preparation to lead a life by calling your ex back into your life. Probably you will not be aware where to start, and how to work out to continue your life and bring back the happiness into your life.

    The Magic of Making up has come up. So when your heart get downs and when you are in a bad state, if someone lends a hand then things seem to be much brighter and getting your ex back is a most puzzling and a tough work which you wouldn’t have tried in your life….unless you know what you are doing.
     

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