Discussion in 'Community Board' started by LuvinLucifer, Feb 12, 2013.
Most private adoption agencies only place domestic infants.
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It just screams vanity to me.
All adoptive parents skip the effects of a pregnancy (not necessarily by choice), yet it does not mean they are bad parents. They handle newborns and parenting just fine.
If the woman passes all of the other tests/criteria for adopting, then why not let her adopt? She just doesn't want to go through the experience of being pregnant. It's not something I'd do but I don't think it means she'll automatically be a bad mother. That's like saying a woman who goes through natural childbirth as opposed to having an epidural will make a better mother since she chose to feel the full effects of childbirth. And what about some of the movie stars in Hollywood who adopted? Are they all infertile?
I think people have all sorts of reasons for wanting to have a child, by adoption or regular pregnancy. As long as wanting to love and care for the child are at the top of the list of those reasons, that is what matters the most.
Even infertile people get the brush off from agencies if the person makes their hinky meter go off.
When we were adopting from Russia, I knew of one woman (and her DH) who looked good on paper. She was actually Eastern European, was infertile, had no other children, a good income, etc. But agencies ran from her because it eventually became apparent she was looking for the PERFECT child. Perfect.
She tried to adopt without an agency (which is what we wound up doing) and even the Russian faciltators wanted nothing to do with her. She cornered my poor DH in a Russian hotel lobby and grilled him about how we got "THAT" baby after seeing our blonde haired, blue eyed, healthy daughter......which was apparently exactly what she was looking for. She was not happy that we had gotten this baby and she hadn't.
The kicker is, on the way over to Russia, DH wondered aloud if the baby would be pretty. We didn't even have a firm referral. I told him I didn't care if the baby looked like a troll, so long as she was reasonably healthy, we were adopting her. He agreed.
I'd have given up a great figure to have or adopt a baby. I just wanted a baby to love and care for.
ETA: I have a feeling that even if the woman that DH met in Russia had somehow gotten our "perfect" DD, she would still not have been satisfied.
Because there is already a surplus of qualified potential adoptive parents who can't have kids any other way.
Of course - but a lot of people don't realize that there aren't a lot of babies to go around for potential, good and willing parents.
Infertile or not.
Was this after she came out? Because I have read that she has struggled with fertility issues for a long time. A quote(although not exact) "I can't ever seem to get pregnant. I'm in shape I eat right, I don't know why".
Right, of babies.
But there is also a surplus of waiting children. Who continue to wait. And wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if the surplus of qualified potential adoptive parents who can't have kids any other way, were also open to having any child who needed a home as opposed to just a baby.
The woman in the OP's post can get pregnant, she just wants to adopt because she's vain about her body. Many people trying to adopt want a child to love and parent, because they can't get pregnant, but they only want a baby.
We all have different views and reasons for doing things. They are not all necessarily wrong.
Just because someone is infertile hardly means they are able to deal with the special challenges that accompany adopting older children in foster care, many of whom have been abused or have severe special needs. Most fertile people aren't. I know I wouldn't be able or even want to do it, so I'd be a hypocrite to expect differently from someone just because they are infertile.
Without derailing this thread, it is perfectly normal to want a baby and not a tween or teen when it's your first go at parenting. The most normal and understandable thing in the world......
Some of us have had dealings with the foster care system in our states and want no part of it. Not because of the kids, but because of what the system does to them and how it works. If the states in question would free up foster care children for adoption at a reasonable pace and not keep them in foster care for 10+ years before making them available for adoption, it would make all the difference in the world.
I encourage you or anyone else to adopt an older, waiting child. You should probably look into it. As for me, I wanted a baby less than one year old.
I know someone who is not infertile and in the midst of an adoption. Her reason is that she is afraid of going through childbirth (fear of pain etc).
I agree and never said or implied that they were.
And again I never said an adoptive parent was wrong to want a baby. But there are children who wait, we can all agree on that.
What I did say, was that all of us having different reasons for wanting/doing different things. Just because they are different does not make them wrong.
You were quick to judge the woman the OP mentioned, blasting her ability to be a parent, when really you have no idea what kind of person she is other than vain. I know women who've given birth who are vain and women who've adopted who are vain. They are not bad parents. Who are we to judge her because she doesn't want to go through a pregnancy?
If you are unwilling to become pregnant due to worrying about your figure, that says to me that, at best, your priorities are way out of whack. (And probably, that you have no clue as to how hard adoption is.) At worst, it could signal some more serious mental health issues. It reeks of a woman who is likely shallow and sets a high value on physical appearance. Guess what? When you adopt, you may get a chubby kid, a homely kid or one that just does not meet the "high standards" this woman seems to value.
I live in an area with lots of affluent women, many of whom have transferred their issues with physical perfection and the pursuit thereof to their poor DDs. My bet is the agency saw this potential in this woman and didn't want anything to do with it. If losing her figure is that big a concern and gets her thinking adoption is the answer, that tells me (and the agency) that she has no clue what she is in for with adoption. She wants to be in control of her figure? Then she probably won't do well being so out of control trying to adopt.
If someone is vain enough that adoption seems to be a peachy answer to avoiding weight gain, then that signals MUCH bigger issues to me. And a certain amount of delusional thinking.
This is one of thereasons why I personally do not wish to be pregnant. My mom had terrible pregnancies and lost a baby. Ive learned about and seen too many terrible things go wrong in pregnancy. Just because of those things does not mean i would make a bad mother or wouldn't be willing to make sacrifices for my (potential) child.
I also don't want to go through a pregnancy, partially for what it will do to my body. I would like to be a mother someday, I would just prefer to adopt. That doesn't mean I would be a bad mother, just that I don't want to be pregnant.
I don't think it's discrimination at all. There are adoption agencies set up to assist infertile people with adopting. That's the whole reason they exist. There are also adoption agencies where fertility isn't an issue. She went to the wrong one. That's like going to Burger King and trying to order a pizza. She needs to do more research and find one that is willing to work with her. Personally I think if she's too concerned about ruining her body, she really isn't ready to be a parent. I'm thinking she'll be mortified at spit-ups and catatonic at blow-outs, not to mention what lack of sleep will do to your beauty routine. FWIW I have friends who have adopted children from China, Guatemala and Africa and fertility was never an issue.
Adoption agencies should be set up to assist children with finding homes. They need to keep the children at the forefront of their mission if they're going to be ethical.
Having said that, I do think that many adoption agencies that place healthy newborns have far more applicants than they can manage. Different agencies choose different ways of limiting their pool. Prioritizing those who don't have other options for becoming parents seems a legitimate way to do that.
I think it's important to note that the adoption agency in question is Catholic Charities. The Catholic Church disapproves of contraception. It's quite likely that a fertile married woman who was choosing to avoid pregnancy while pursuing adoption, would be using birth control. I wonder if that played into their decision.
Finally, I'll note that I was probably fertile when I adopted my son. However, I was single, and the city where I was living at the time was struggling with a "Boarder Baby" crisis. My son was considered hard to place, and the agency was delighted to have me as a potential parent.
This may be true in one sense, but a lot of the children up for adoption are not infants, or toddlers, but older children. It's true they need homes also, but it would not be easy to adopt an older child for most couples (especially younger couples). Also, there are a lot of special needs kids up for adoption that takes special type people to be able to truly cope with all the demands.
Our daughter tried for several years before adopting two infant boys (from hospital) 3 years apart. She had to wait several months and she wasn't picky at all - girl or boy, any race - but, it had to be an infant, and healthy.
There are many couples waiting that have tried and tried to conceive. To me, it would not be in an adoption center's good will to take a *vain, shallow* woman ahead of *any* couples on the list waiting for an infant. She doesn't sound she would make a very good mother IMO.
It sounds like she *could* be a parent by *normal* means, just chooses for vanity's sake, not to.....
If you truly feel that way, you probably would not enjoy motherhood either. It too, takes a *toll* on the wear and tare of your body Maybe when a few years have passed, when you truly want a baby bad enough, what pregnancy will do to your body (or perceived to do) will be the least of your thoughts and will not matter at all. I never once thought like you do, but trust me, when I wanted a baby, I didn't care what it took Being pregnant with dh & my babies was the greatest thrill we could ever have had. Why wouldn't someone want a baby to look like them, and truly be a part of each one
What about fertile gay women who want to adopt. Should they be allowed?
Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean there aren't people who do feel that way. I have never had an intense desire to have children that are biologically mine. I don't really understand why you WOULD want to when there are so many children out there who need loving homes. Love makes a family, not biology. For me, it has nothing to do with changes to my body
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