Fertile people adopting?

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by LuvinLucifer, Feb 12, 2013.

  1. LuvinLucifer

    LuvinLucifer Mouseketeer

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    The number of infants placed for adoption has gone down like I said, so there is now an even greater demand. This includes infants of all races.
     
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  3. JessB320

    JessB320 DIS Veteran

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    Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean its not true.

    You thinking something doesn't make sense is not proof of anything, it's your opinion
     
  4. LuvinLucifer

    LuvinLucifer Mouseketeer

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    It's not opinion that there are more people waiting to adopt than infants available. It's a reality that anyone can see by calling an adoption agency. If you want to place your child for adoption you will have access to hundreds or thousands of people to choose from. This is accelerating as the number of babies available declines:

    http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1618
     
  5. JessB320

    JessB320 DIS Veteran

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    It is your opinion that all of the infants in foster care that are available for adoption have special needs .
     
  6. Patience

    Patience DIS Veteran

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    Although this topic has veered off course, I'll chime in on the original topic. My husband and I suffered secondary infertility. We have a biological daughter and then couldn't have any more children. We adopted a healthy 1 year old through an international adoption. Although I keenly yearned for another child, when we started the process to adopt, I did feel, a tiny bit, way down deep, that newborns avaialable for adoption should go to infertile couples with no biological children first. I had already experienced the newborn period with our oldest daughter and can completely understand an infertile couple with no children wanting to raise a child from birth. I don't feel it is necessarily wrong for them to be given some preference to adopt newborns. Many disagree. I can only speak to my feelings.

    Regardng the preference to adopt infants versus older waiting children, our daughter was 16 months old when we received her referral and 17 months old when we adopted her. She had a really easy transition to our family. That isn't always the case when you adopt a child who is not a newborn and we know we are fortunate that her adjustment and attachment was relatively trouble free. We have many, many friends whose adopted toddlers and older kids had very tough attachments. Attachment is a huge concern in the adoption world. Although attachment issues can happen with newborns too, older adopted kids often need therapies and parents will need to learn different parenting strategies to foster attachment and to help overcome the effects of institutionalization and/or disrupted placements prior to the child's adoption. If you haven't been exposed to attachment issues firsthand, it is difficult to understand how hard they are to experience and how big the problem can be. Attachment issues can happen with a child adopted at any age, and even with biological children sometimes, but one reason people often prefer to adopt newborns or children as young as possible is to minimize the chances of severe attachment issues, including RAD.

    Finally, I have to tell you that our daughter, like her sister, is the most amazing thing that ever happened to us. We love her madly and we are humbled and grateful everyday that we have the profound pleasure of being her parents. Secondary infertility was the road that led us to her and we are still in awe that she is our daughter. How lucky we are!
     
  7. North of Mouse

    North of Mouse DIS Veteran

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    :thumbsup2 Thank you for being so dogmatic about this issue. You are so right! I'd love to know where this JessB320 is *finding* these healthy infants under 1 year. I wish she would show me where they are (what city,state) as I know some people in 3 states right now that are desperately trying to adopt a *healthy* baby. They are trying to go through the state (government) channel as they can't afford private adoption rates.

    The government seems to be where she claims they are, but these people are being told the same story as you say above. I believe everything you have posted because their stories back it up. If JessB320 knows where these babies are, I wish she would say. I fear they are all on *paper* and she doesn't *know*.

    Like you say there are too many couples out there now waiting desperately to adopt for there to be these healthy babies *ready right now* to adopt.

    Again, I thank you, and would love for her to tell me a city and state and I'll get the word out.
     
  8. IheartMickey

    IheartMickey I have not been blessed by the tag fairy!

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    I've spoken to DCFS in Florida when I was inquiring about adoption and foster care. Infants are not available unless you foster in hopes to adopt. The only children available for straight adoption are 8 years old and up. When I lived in New York they said it could be years of waiting to foster to adopt an infant.
     
  9. North of Mouse

    North of Mouse DIS Veteran

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    :thumbsup2 Yep, you're right. That's the same story the family/friends that I know in different states have been getting. That's what LuvinLucifer has been trying to get across to JessB320, but she says she knows where there are *lots* of healthy infants to adopt. Would sure like to know what *hat* she's pulling them from. No one else seems to know where they are.

    My niece is about to finalize papers on her 14mo. old dd (hopefully). She has been fostering her since she was 3mos. risking heartbreak at any moment. I just could not do this - would be so stressed out I couldn't stand it.

    Anyway, your story is the one that seems to come from every state, if you are trying to adopt *from state*. Private adoptions are terribly expensive (and there's still a waiting list :eek:).
     
  10. Colleen27

    Colleen27 DIS Veteran

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    The problem with older kids is the damage that has been done by the situations from which they were removed. My youngest daughter had a close friend who is now in the foster care system (finally! they took FAR too long with the decision to remover her and her siblings). In her 4 short years of life she's known 4 men as "dad", 2 of whom were drug addicts and 3 of whom were physically abusive to her mother. She can be a very sweet girl but she acts out in ways that will make her very, very difficult to place. She can't be around babies or animals because she will get violent in moments of frustration or jealousy, and she is prone to being physically destructive when upset (as in punching holes in drywall, throwing things hard enough to break windows, etc). And the sad part is, at this point the system is still working towards reunification with the mother who has put one abusive a-hole after another over the well being of all her (7) kids. I understand completely why even someone who desperately wants to be a parent might not be willing or able to take on the Herculean task of trying to repair the damage done to a child like that.
     
  11. dbrn

    dbrn Mouseketeer

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    Yes, I feel it is unfair discrimination not to add qualified individuals to the list based on fertility. There are many reasons a fertile couple may choose adoption, and I think they should be given the same opportunity to do so as an infertile couple.
     
  12. scoutie

    scoutie DIS Veteran

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    Jess I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I work closely with a woman who has been desperately trying to adopt a CHILD (not baby) from foster care for years. She's single, which is why many adoption agencies won't consider her. She has fostered kids for years, but each time the child gets placed back with the biological family. I have two very close friends who have been on a waiting list to adopt an infant for three to five years.

    There are not thousands of healthy infants waiting to be placed in homes. There just aren't.

    I understand that anecdotal evidence isn't satisfactory, so here is a reliable source. There's plenty of information here.

    https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/statistics/adoption.cfm

    http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/ressta.html

    If you don't want to wade through the massive papers of documentation, here is one excerpt"

    I want you to be right--I'd run to my desperately waiting friends and tell them about these thousands of babies that are waiting for them. :(
     
  13. LuvinLucifer

    LuvinLucifer Mouseketeer

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    I feel the same. I have know several people for whom it would be the answer to their prayers to adopt one these elusive infants she claims are available.
     
  14. Kennywife

    Kennywife Sometimes miracles take a little time

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    deleted.
     
  15. scoutie

    scoutie DIS Veteran

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    I was talking about this thread with one of my friends who wants to adopt. She's also confused about the claims made on this thread. Jess Do you have the information on all of the babies that are waiting to be adopted? I'm not being snarky. I know it's a long shot, but it's worth looking into.
     
  16. North of Mouse

    North of Mouse DIS Veteran

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    Yep, that's what several of us are trying to find out. But, after making all these claims about all the healthy infants ready and waiting to be adopted, Jess has conspicuously disappeared. :confused3

    Final analysis, there are NOT thousands of HEALTHY INFANTS out there ready and waiting to be adopted, and she knows it. Otherwise she could point out some places, instead of portions of vague internet sites.

    Our niece is finally sighing final papers on her 14 mo. old little girl this month after fostering her for 11mos. going through the *agony* each day that she could be taken away any time.
     
  17. LuvinLucifer

    LuvinLucifer Mouseketeer

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    She's on the site right now. I kind of wish she'd come back and prove us all wrong and direct someone waiting to adopt to all these infants in need.
     
  18. North of Mouse

    North of Mouse DIS Veteran

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    :thumbsup2 For sure!
     
  19. TifffanyD

    TifffanyD DIS Veteran

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    I think the best fit should be the one to adopt regardless of fertility...

    Just like I think the best applicant should get the job, regardless of whether they are currently employed or not.
     
  20. alex9179

    alex9179 DIS Veteran

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    Amen!
     
  21. skoi

    skoi DIS Veteran

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    Husband works for Child Protective Services in a large city. He's a supervisor in the continuing case unit-- gets the kids once they are assigned to long term case workers. I asked him about the idea that there are a lot of infants waiting to be adopted. He said no-- the system isn't set up that way. There are many things that have to happen before parental rights are terminated, and when they are, they want to first place the child with a family member if possible, and will look far and wide to find someone-- he has kids placed with family they never saw before halfway across the country.

    The one exception is if the mother terminates all parental rights very early, but they still look for family first. The goal of the public system is family reunification. Most kids linger in the system unless a judge decides to terminate parental rights (and this is a huge big deal-- and takes many years of the parent refusing to follow judicial orders to get clean, get a job, go to parenting classes, or repeatedly abusing the child, etc).

    And he says this is determined by federal law, not each individual state.

    I know this is a long way from the original post, but just wanted to put in the little knowledge I have on the topic.

    As for the original question-- we went through three international adoptions (two successful, one failed while in country) and already had two bio kids. The statement the woman made, or other things she said, must have raised red flags to the social worker doing the interview. We had to do three interviews, together, then each separate, then have a home visit. Had to submit background checks, references, essays, etc. And this was for China, special needs, which was one of the easiest programs back when we adopted. And adoption social workers want you to pass the homestudy. If someone is refused, the social worker had to be really troubled.
     

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