Exhausted from parenting/ASD children/Welcome to Schmolland!

Discussion in 'disABILITIES Community Board' started by iwrbnd, Apr 19, 2010.

  1. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    I have always loved being a parent and have given my all to my family. I've known for years that I have to work harder because 2 of my kids are on the autism spectrum. However, for the past year I'm just so tired. I constantly think "I can't wait until I don't have to do______anymore" (insert cooking, cleaning, homework help, whatever). I feel so bad because I don't want to wish these years away.

    My oldest is 17 and a good kid but he has mild aspergers, ADHD and severe executive functioning skills! He's never had assigned chores because just getting him through daily life is exhausting enough! (Shower, deoderant, teeth and dressed is enough to about drive me to drink!) He doesn't show appreciation and gets irritated quickly. The teen years have about done me in.

    My 2nd son is easy in every way. He helps me so much that I feel bad for him. He's taken on the "I'm mom's rescuer" role which isn't probably healthy for him.

    My 3rd son has mild autism but his challenges haven't been too hard yet. I panic about going through the teen years with another ASD kid, though.

    My daughter is sweet but quite the drama queen. I just don't have the energy for her anymore. I feel so bad.

    I have a wonderful husband that is supportive and loving and everything I could ask for. He's a physician that works long hours so the majority of daily life falls on my shoulders. He's a huge help when he's home, though. I work part-time, financially it's necessary.

    Has anyone else just gotten so tired of parenting that they dream about when their children are grown and gone? Or am I just awful to even think that? I still am doing everything I need to for my family it's just that my heart isn't in it anymore.

    If you've gone through this season of parenting how did you handle it? How long did it last? Do parents with "typical" children go through this? Maybe it's because I've been doing this for so many years and have many more to go! Whose bright idea was it to space our kids out so far? Mine! And we didn't know our kids were on the spectrum until we had 4 already. They really are mild but affected enough to make life hard!

    Does anybody have any insight for me? Am I alone in this? Thanks and sorry this is so long!
     
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  3. steph124ny

    steph124ny Earning My Ears

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    I have days, and months like that too...I'll admit it. My son is turning 14 in June and there are often days that I count down the months to graduation.
    (((Hugs)))
     
  4. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    Oh, good! I was starting to think I was the only one! (Is that bad I'm happy you feel the same way?:confused3;))
     
  5. jt'smom

    jt'smom Mouseketeer

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    :hug: you are completely normal!!! i have only 1 child, a 13yo son aspie with what i would consider VERY MILD tendencies but whether it's the teen thing or the "extra" challenges, there are some days when i would love to send him back, lol. don't worry, i think all parents go through this at some point. even the ones who wouldn't admit it if their lives depended on it :rotfl:

    it sounds like you need a "calgon, take me away moment" (or maybe 100), and then i would bet that if you were honest, you could think of some positive things about being a parent ;)
     
  6. AJKMOM

    AJKMOM DIS Veteran

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    Thanks to the economy, all 3 of my kids live at home, unable to find good paying jobs. Youngest is 21 with severe autism and OCD. If I had a nickel for every time I wished he didn't live here, I could have bought him his own group home.

    From what I've heard about group homes, I don't think I could ever send him to one, but.... It is very tiring to watch out for any special needs kids, and no matter the age, they will always be your kid. In this world, not only do you watch out for them, you have to make sure people don't take advantege of them, or hurt them. It is all tiring, emotionally and physically.
     
  7. steph124ny

    steph124ny Earning My Ears

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    If I wasn't suffering from gestational diabetes (a weird form that actually makes my blood sugar plummet when I eat too many carbs...) I would totally recommend a bottle of Merlot and an entire Entemann's Cheese Danish with a fork! :thumbsup2 Or maybe a pint of Ben and Jerrys....

    I've found it makes my son much more tolerable on his bad days! LOL!

    Just keep your chin up and keep a good sense of humor.
     
  8. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    Reading your stories and support has gotten me all teary-eyed! It's so nice to be able to share struggles without being judged! When I mention to my friends how tired I am they say my kids should help out more. And they are right but they don't know what it's like to get children with issues to do more than just regular life! Just getting my kids to do their homework and turn it in on time is overwhelming enough! And like the mom who has her children living at home I do fear that at least 2 of mine will be doing the same thing! It's nice to know I'm not alone and others have felt "less than joy" about parenting!
     
  9. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    Your right. I just need to get away...Disney trip is in July...can I make it that long? And I do need to remember all the wonderful things about my children, too. I've just been forgetting them as I'm drowning in the teen years!
     
  10. It'sWDW4me

    It'sWDW4me <font color=green>Fairly new... still gets a tag :

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    OMG - I'm literally in tears here. My DS is an aspie with ADHD and just. last. night. I was fantasizing on what my life would be like - both the potentially good and the potentially bad - if I would have divorced my jerk ex before we got pregnant (I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't stay married to him when I was 6 months preggo - I can still remember the exact moment that I "woke up"). I do love my son and he can be sooooo sweet and thoughtful but those moments are so overshadowed with the hours of stress and aggravation we both go through. Maybe if I would have dumped my ex sooner and found someone else my DS wouldn't have had such an unfortunate genetic makeup? I feel so guilty even thinking those things...

    5 years until HS graduation..... if he (and/or I) makes it through.
     
  11. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    I'm so sorry to hear life is hard for you, too with your son! I completely understand your frustration! Raising kids is hard enough but when you throw in the ADHD/aspie stuff it gets overwhelming! I'm sorry you're doing it on your own, too! I can't imagine that! At least you don't have 2 like me!;)

    I'm glad yours can be sweet and thoughtful. Mine, not so much. He's sees life from his viewpoint only so comes across as selfish and almost narcisist (sp?) It's like teenage behavior times 100! I know it could be worse because he's mildly affected (most people don't even know) but sometimes that makes it even harder!

    My son graduates next year and my friends are all talking about how sad they are to have seniors. I feel guilty because I'm relieved! But, then I'm also terrified because I don't know if he'll make it in college! I'll go insane if he lives in our basement the rest of our lives! What kind of mother am I to say that anyway?
     
  12. BillSears

    BillSears DIS Veteran

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    There's an old saying I've heard and it's so true...

    You don't know what real freedom is until the last child moves out and the dog dies.

    Kids are great but they're one heck of a lot of work. :hug::hug:
     
  13. steph124ny

    steph124ny Earning My Ears

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    AMEN!! :lmao:
     
  14. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    :lmao:That quote is making me laugh!:lmao:Especially since lately I've been seeing my own dogs as just another mouth to feed! I was actually thinking I wouldn't get another dog after these guys which is so weird because I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE dogs! I'm so tired of taking care of other people/things! This must be why 40+year olds should be on their last leg of parenting with the end in sight! (Which I'm not!)
     
  15. steph124ny

    steph124ny Earning My Ears

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    Could be worse...you could be 7 months pregnant like me!! :rotfl::scared1: However...the appointment has already been set for my lovely husband about 2 months after my delivery. The baby factory is going out of business for good! LMAO!!
     
  16. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    Congratulations! The baby/toddler years are so sweet! How many do you have already?
     
  17. Ctsplaysinrain

    Ctsplaysinrain DIS Veteran

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    Oh, I feel your pain.. I have a 14 yr old DS with Asperger's and an almost 13 yr old son with ADHHHHHHHHHHHHHD and mild Asperger's. Neither has any executive functioning..LOL.. I, too, am married to a physician who works long hours ( he's working nights now, changed about 8 months ago, he loves it, I hate it) who honestly is proabably the link to the Asperger's and the ADHD and he doesn't help much at home.. In fact, it seems like he is constantly in a power struggle these days with the kids...

    I, too, am exhausted after just getting them to school.. Showers, homework, getting dressed are mostly nightmares most days.. The younger one has sleeping and eating issues as well. I feel like I'm on "guard duty" all night as well. He tends to not sleep, wander around, and get into all sorts of mischeif at night. Also, he has battled some anorexia so just getting him to eat is a challenge as well.

    We have EXTREME sibling rivalry and the non-stop fighting gets very old. The oldest one has extreme meltdowns and many more sensory issues.


    Yup, I understand..... Although I must say that I do not fantasize of when they will leave.. Actually, I'm starting to realize that I'm not sure my older one will be able to live on his own until maybe late 20's since he is still so dependent.. He still cant even seem to find his own socks in the morning.. Both boys are brilliant but day to day living skills are not there yet.
    But, I do think about those "pre-kid" days and why did we have children???? It took a long time to conceive and there are days, I wonder why I did this.. I miss the days of traveling , eating in a restaurant with husband, being able to get a sentence out with out being interupted.

    One of my solutions: run away for a few days.. In fact, I am running away to WDW ALONE next week for 3 days.. I'm hoping it will be enough to get me through to tyheend of the school year..LOL I can remember when they were in preschool,early grades- I hated school breaks.. NOW, I actually look forward to them- NO HOMEWORK, I don't have to care if they want to dress inappropriately, younger one can sleep in etc....

    So, you are not alone.. You can PM me if you like....
    Debbie
     
  18. iwrbnd

    iwrbnd DIS Veteran

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    Debbie! Are you sure we aren't living each other's lives in a parallel universe? :confused3 It's exhausting, isn't it? And are you sure your boys don't have executive functioning problems? I thought that pretty much was the inability to plan and organize your day...which is why dressing, homework, daily skills are so hard for mine. Maybe I'm wrong. Add me to the list of sensory/food/sleep issues! My oldest is over 6 ft and only 115 lbs! The other one mostly just drinks ensure. We give them Melatonin to sleep...works wonders! I also look forward to school breaks! My oldest and his homework is just about killing me! My boys are also extremely intelligent but it doesn't show on my oldest ones grades! How can a kid be so smart and yet so lost is beyond me! Maybe I should pm you! Can I meet you at WDW?;) We have way too much in common!

    I'm with you and daydream about the days when it will just be me and my husband. But, in reality, I think it will be me, my husband and at least 2 of our kids forever!:sad1:
     
  19. Ctsplaysinrain

    Ctsplaysinrain DIS Veteran

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    ? And are you sure your boys don't have executive functioning problems? I

    Oh they do!!!!! When I said in my post that they didnt have.. I meant they have NO exec . funct skills at all..


    Sure, you can come meet me if you like.....
     
  20. brergnat

    brergnat DIS Veteran

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    Ugh, your post is what I'm dreading. I have two boys, oldest one has HFA and probably ADHD too (he's only 5, so not diagnosed yet...). My youngest is 4 and has severe apraxia of speech as well as SPD.

    I have NEVER really, truly enjoyed being a mom. I know it sounds awful, but I routinely find myself saying in my head "I hate my life". And, the truth of the matter is, I don't REALLY hate it, but I hate the FACT that my life is SO HARD. DH is military, and is getting ready to leave for his THIRD deployment, leaving me home with the boys alone for the next 7 months (last deployment was for 11 months...). I am dreading it. While I am thankful that they are older this time, I just don't want to do it anymore. I've been SO tired for the past 5 years, and I wonder how I'll be able to do it for another 15+. Seems so daunting because my kids are still SO young, yet it's already so hard. I am a bit hopeful, because they seem to get better as they get older. My HOPE is that they'll both be significantly better in the coming years, but it's just such a murky future.

    Some days are good; some days I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I often wish we'd not had children, but I know in my heart that I really, really wanted kids. I do sort of feel cheated that I got special needs kids instead of "normal" kids, and I'm still trying to work through acceptance and all that. I get mad and jealous of parents of "typical" kids, mostly because I feel like they take their lives for granted. There are so many things my kids will never do, and they're little things, but still... And, NOTHING is ever carefree for us. Everything requires careful planning ahead, scheduling out, etc. The few times I've tried to be spontaneous have blown up in my face, and I know better now.

    OP, you are not a horrible person (or else, I am too!). I actually use WDW as my escape too. DH has been so good to let me go THREE times since the kids were born either solo or with my friends. It truly helps to "get away from it all". Maybe you can do that too...you need a break!
     
  21. tabithakp

    tabithakp Mouseketeer

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    Thank you for this thread! I too feel tired some days/months etc...... to know im not alone is helpful

    my ds is only 5 and i think some days how will i ever survive these years.

    I feel bad for dd because shes always complaining that we have 2 sets of rule in the house.................and shes right!

    i have a very supportive hubby but some evenings beer is the only friend! :drinking1 :rotfl2:
     

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