Elderly Grandmother not going to Bridal shower UPDATE!

[smiths02]

Just because she can live alone and get to the hairdresser and Wal-mart doesn't mean that she can ADD the stress, workout, exhaustion of a bridal shower or wedding on top of that.
My grandmother-in-law is 90. She still lives alone, but we hold all family events at her house (or drive her to one of her kids' houses which is on the same road). She is driven to the hairdresser and doctor's appointments. BUT now that she is older, she doesn't go to church even if someone drives her (she attended EVERY Sunday until about 2 years ago), so you know what? People from church visit her. Maybe she really just can't do it anymore, OP

 

[Hrhpd]

My MIL is 87 and uses a walker-still drives to Walmart weekly and the hairdresser
Hairdresser is in the ladys home-converted garage.
My son is the last of her grandchildren to marry
Bridal shower for my son's bride to be is in a home-yet MIL refuses to come-says she will attend the wedding only
I really want her to meet the others-esp the brides grandmothers-I KNOW she would enjoy it!
I am betting at last minute she wont go to wedding=and this will hurt my son-AND ME. my DH(her son) and I are VERY generous-paying for things in her house-giving her $$ monthly-paying one of her small bills

For Mother;s day she refused to go to favorite nephew's for bar B Q-giving lame excuses (she doesn't like the chair she has to sit in-its too hot-its too cold)-missing seeing her 2 precious great grandkids (nephew's) ( we ended up stopping at her house for short visit before the BarBQ)

Her daughter and I have discussed this at length-why she seems to want to be a recluse
she seems to be VERY self conscious about using the walker-which she uses for many years-thinking people 'are looking at her-judging her"?

anyone with elderly parents-any ideas??

edited-
Thanks!
I only mentioned the things we pay for as a way to show we are VERY involved with her life.More than many people I know with elderly parents . Not as a "I pay for this, you owe me' sort of thing

I am sorry, but you do not "know" she will have a good time. Obviously, she thinks differently.

It is a shower. She is coming to the wedding. Give her a break. My elderly mother did not go to our son's high school graduation, we told her it was ok not to go, because we knew it would be difficult for her. Sounds a bit selfish to be mad that an 87 year old woman with a walker does not want to attend a shower. I would be talking to the bride about having a bit of understanding.

 

[clutter]

My dad is 93, so I've seen this progress over the years. For him, it's a lot of little issues. For one, he doesn't like unfamiliar places, especially bathrooms. For another, although his hearing is fine, he has trouble hearing things in large groups. Plus, being older, and having rejected becoming part of the computer generation decades ago, he can't really follow group conversations. He doesn't understand a lot of what people chat about. Commutes, electronics, apps, sports. Although he is still sharp as a tack, his ability to comprehend has slowed down. So much so that he can't watch tv - the images change too frequently for him to grasp what he is seeing - he can't follow conversations - by the time he's figured out what people are talking about, they are two topics further along. The pace of life has increased, and his ability to follow has decreased. What he really enjoys is for people to spend one-on-one time chatting with him where he can control the conversation to things he can participate in.

If you'd really like her to meet the bride's grandmother, I'd suggest getting the two of them together with only one or two other people.

 

[SirDuff]

Sounds a bit selfish to be mad that an 87 year old woman with a walker does not want to attend a shower. I would be talking to the bride about having a bit of understanding.

Nothing in the OP suggest that the bride is lacking in understanding. It is all about the feelings of the OP (mother of the groom).

 

[powellrj]

While I am not that elderly, I also decline many invitations these days. I use a walker/wheelchair and its hard and tiring. Unknown places will usually get declined. Stairs, slopes, uneven ground, unknown seating are all reasons I will decline. I am invited to a party at the end of the month. I really want to attend but I have yet to figure out all of the details. I know it will be outside, but will I be able to use my ecv, will the ground be level, will someone help me if I need it, will I be able to use the restroom. Those are all things I need to figure out, plus I may just not feel well. I hurt many days so much just moving is painful. Chances are I will just decline and really hate missing out. I am not depressed, its just sometimes more work than I feel like I can do.

 

[Hrhpd]

Nothing in the OP suggest that the bride is lacking in understanding. It is all about the feelings of the OP (mother of the groom).

That is true. My mistake, reading without coffee. Change my sentiment to the OP.

 

[Dizlvr]

For Mother;s day she refused to go to favorite nephew's for bar B Q-giving lame excuses (she doesn't like the chair she has to sit in-its too hot-its too cold)-missing seeing her 2 precious great grandkids (nephew's) ( we ended up stopping at her house for short visit before the BarBQ)

Wow OP this is kind of mean. She's 87 and sorry but her excuses are not lame at all, can you imagine how uncomfortable things can be at the age of 87? I know how I feel sometimes at 42, geez. And as far as missing her precious great grandkinds, how about their parents make it a point to visit HER on Mother's Day instead of expecting an 87 year old to travel and be uncomfortable. I have a 93 year old grandmother, we always visit her, never make her travel to see us because we know she just doesn't feel up to it. I'd never think of her excuses as lame.

 

[ELSA711]

My dad is 93, so I've seen this progress over the years. For him, it's a lot of little issues. For one, he doesn't like unfamiliar places, especially bathrooms. For another, although his hearing is fine, he has trouble hearing things in large groups. Plus, being older, and having rejected becoming part of the computer generation decades ago, he can't really follow group conversations. He doesn't understand a lot of what people chat about. Commutes, electronics, apps, sports. Although he is still sharp as a tack, his ability to comprehend has slowed down. So much so that he can't watch tv - the images change too frequently for him to grasp what he is seeing - he can't follow conversations - by the time he's figured out what people are talking about, they are two topics further along. The pace of life has increased, and his ability to follow has decreased. What he really enjoys is for people to spend one-on-one time chatting with him where he can control the conversation to things he can participate in.

If you'd really like her to meet the bride's grandmother, I'd suggest getting the two of them together with only one or two other people.

Sorry but the bold cracked me up, if I'm 87 no one better try to set me up for a play date! LOL

 

[jdb in AZ]

Wouldn't it be great if all grannies could be the belle of the ball (without upstaging the bride of course) but realistically, a lot of people that age are doing great if they can get out of bed in the morning. o.k. even noonish.

DH and I were in charge of a senior brunch last fall and went to great lengths to get an accurate head count. Out of all those planning to attend, about 25% of the elderly guests were a no show.

If you want to see info about the above pic, http://www.boredpanda.com/grandma-bridesmaid-89-years-old-nana-betty/

 

[SirDuff]

That is true. My mistake, reading without coffee. Change my sentiment to the OP.

Easy mistake. It is possible that the bride is kicking up a fuss - I just didn't want her slighted with no evidence (not that she's likely to read here anyway). I agree with your sentiment.

 

[swandiverpatt]

Thanks everyone
Appreciate all the comments
Will not push her
Her DD was very disappointed on Mothers Day-ended up taking her to breakfast at last minute , the went to her son's BarBQ

Goodness, let her decide! And reading this, you know your MIL is your husband's and SIL's MOTHER -- why not gear your Mother's Day celebration to HER? She's 87. 87!!! Find out if she has a favorite restaurant near where she lives -- take her there, or like the SIL finally did, take her breakfast. I'm flabbergasted.

 

[yoopermom]

I went to a family wedding this past weekend (and have another coming up end of September), outdoor wedding, and absolutely no family member over the age of 65 attended, and it was probably a good thing they didn't. Hot, and very few places to get out of the sun. Rented folding chairs that were VERY uncomfortable. Food that was "unusual" and served late. Lots of booze, but little soft drinks/nonalcoholic beverages. One portapot (not very clean).

Honestly, I was GLAD that my grandparents' generation made the decision to RSVP "no". Age has its privileges, and the ability to not attend an event that will be taxing for them should be one of them. We will all be "one of them" someday, so a little kindness and understanding goes a LONG way...

Terri

 

[scoutie]

I hate going to bridal showers now at 42. I don't blame an 87 year old woman, who has probably gone to way too many showers, for wanting to bow out.

I'm thinking of my 83 year old grandparents, who are struggling with things like walking, sitting for long periods of time, walking, etc.

Give her a pass.

 

[scrapquitler]

I just wanted to point out another thing that I've been thinking about this morning....Your MIL is 87. She's a member of that generation of women who devoted their entire lives to taking care of their home, their husband, and their children, and for many (or most) of them, that meant putting aside whatever it was they they really wanted to do in favor of what their husband wanted, what their children needed, and what they were 'expected' to do as a woman. Now that she's older, maybe she has just decided that it's time for her to do whatever she wants to do and to put her wants first. And shouldn't she be entitled to that??

I know that after my Dad died, my Mom (who was 61 at that point, still young and active) told me that she spent her whole life being a good daughter, a good daughter in law, a good Mom, a good wife and that so many times she sacrificed what she wanted in favor of everyone else, and that now that she was alone, she was going to start putting herself first. My brother's didn't always like when she would tell them she had 'other plans' (even when her 'other plans' meant sitting at home and reading a book) when they wanted her to do something with them, but they did learn that she had to live her life and was finally going to do it for herself instead of everyone else around her,

Maybe your MIL is doing the same thing?

 

[NewRVLady]

Goodness, let her decide! And reading this, you know your MIL is your husband's and SIL's MOTHER -- why not gear your Mother's Day celebration to HER? She's 87. 87!!! Find out if she has a favorite restaurant near where she lives -- take her there, or like the SIL finally did, take her breakfast. I'm flabbergasted.

Don't be flabbergasted
She. Has LOVED all outings at this nephews previous to THIs Mothers Day

 

[clutter]

Sorry but the bold cracked me up, if I'm 87 no one better try to set me up for a play date! LOL

LOL! I meant it more that if it was important to the bride and groom for the grandparents to meet, set it up somewhere that catered to the more elder grandparent's life. Personally, my dad would be totally anxious about meeting someone new, but if it was that important to someone in the family, he'd do it if it was somewhere that he was comfortable, could hear, knew about bathroom access, etc.

 

[bethy]

Maybe she gives lame excuses because you won't take no for an answer.
Continue to invite her places, but accept it when she doesn't want to go.

Exactly. She shouldn't need to give any type of excuse. And you don't have right to judge her excuses as lame or not. She is 87 and can make her own decisions.

Weddings are just so ridiculous these days. Sorry, but the rest of the world does not revolve around a couple's wedding. I'm a little cynical having just been to a large family wedding this past weekend. Ugh.

 

[design_mom]

We were lucky enough to have three of my husband's grandparents attend portions of our wedding and reception (although 2 of the three attended just one or the other). They were all in their mid-80s, but relatively healthy and lived on their own. None attended the shower.

I agree that big gatherings get harder on people as they age and it's not the same as going about your daily life.

I'd be thankful for what she is able to do, and ask if there's anything you can do to make things easier for her. But if she declines, I'd respect that.

I'm not sure how her hearing is but my dad's is failing and he dislikes large gatherings, especially with lots of new people, because it's hard to for him to hear. It is often loud and there are lots of unfamiliar sounds that are difficult to filter out. He worries about saying something foolish (or at least non-sequitur) because he doesn't catch the full conversation or mishears things. And if he stays out of the conversation, or doesn't hear if someone speaks to him, he's afraid he'll be perceived as rude.

In some situations, like noisy restaurants, the rest of the family has somewhat adapted to help him out. We always make sure he has a seat where his "good ear" will be toward the server. Someone else always orders first. That way Dad can tell whether they're just taking drink orders, or doing everything at the same time, etc. He *hates* to have to keep saying "what? huh? pardon me? could you say that again?" In a party situation he's more on his own and the breadth of possible conversations/interactions is much wider. It's exhausting for him, even though he wishes it wasn't.

 

[bethy]

I just wanted to point out another thing that I've been thinking about this morning....Your MIL is 87. She's a member of that generation of women who devoted their entire lives to taking care of their home, their husband, and their children, and for many (or most) of them, that meant putting aside whatever it was they they really wanted to do in favor of what their husband wanted, what their children needed, and what they were 'expected' to do as a woman. Now that she's older, maybe she has just decided that it's time for her to do whatever she wants to do and to put her wants first. And shouldn't she be entitled to that??

I know that after my Dad died, my Mom (who was 61 at that point, still young and active) told me that she spent her whole life being a good daughter, a good daughter in law, a good Mom, a good wife and that so many times she sacrificed what she wanted in favor of everyone else, and that now that she was alone, she was going to start putting herself first. My brother's didn't always like when she would tell them she had 'other plans' (even when her 'other plans' meant sitting at home and reading a book) when they wanted her to do something with them, but they did learn that she had to live her life and was finally going to do it for herself instead of everyone else around her,

Maybe your MIL is doing the same thing?

LOVE this. I am 42 and can relate to this even as part of a younger generation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with most everyone here.
Very very much so...

Seems to be a real unanimous vote this time!