Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by Philagoofy, Jun 1, 2007.
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My mom has stage iv cancer, so the cancer isn't going anywhere.
My vision isn't exactly the situation you have.
The way I look at it is the following. I really don't look to the future, but plan for now. I try to spend time w/ my mom, keep up w/ daily activities and try find out what is going on in her life. Try to get her involved in things that make her happy. Things that I use to just put off, I take the time and do that now.
I try to get her to look at life differently. Don't be concentrating on what they use to be able to do. Concentrate on making daily life more managable.
Mom can only be active for short periods, gets wore out.
So, lots of repeated things like. Like do things for a short period, take a break. Then when you get your energy back, do some more...
Get them easier tools to prepare meals, friendlier grips, lighter pans, instead of old cast iron, etc.
Encouraging the use of a house keeper on a some basis to help keep the house clean. Having a dirty house because you can't keep it clean because your always tired can be very frustrating, for some people.
You need to find out things that could be extra stress because they aren't as active, and see if there is a soln you can help w/.
Focussing on before is not really positive, for me. You have to make the most of what is going on right now. Else your going to be dwelling on the past. Its fine to remember the good old days...
But as people age, some things get harder to do, being creative and solving problems that cause issues in their daily life could be very helpful.
So, look at their life, see what they love about it, what things frustrate them.
See if there are things that can help w/ what ever frustration they have.
If its physical limits because of the illness, or something like they seem bored, see if there are some new interests or activities which can replace old ones.
Teaching to live your life with flexibility, and also try to roll w/ the punches life gives you a different aspect on life.
I use to spend a lot of time thinking about the moments that my mom would miss, and it wasn't a very pleasant time. Now, I try to think of things that I want to do now w/ mom and do those things. Making more memories now.
So, my advice is to live more in the moment, do what you able to do now, accept what you can do, and move one.
Thank you for your words of advice Zumbergc. I'm very sorry about your mom. That's so good of you for trying to help her out in different ways. I hope that she can still get some enjoyment from life & her family. Wishing you both the best, I know it must be a very trying time for you also. Take care.
I am not sure why the first post by the OP was deleted.. I admit I did not see it yesterday as my grandchild was here and we were maniacs all trying to hold him and love him....
I think what anyone says on this board is valid.. I never want anyone to feel bad about what they wrote or feel it is inadequate in anyway..
This board is about feelings and helping others through times that are bad for them...and also we love to hear when times are good as well.
Please know we are all here to help each other..
So to Philagoofy, I do hope you got some help with whatever you needed some compassion with, do not feel you ever have to say Nevermind on this board as what you write is important here, and to Zumbergc, I will pray that your Mom is well enough to spend some quality time doing what she loves to do with her loved ones..
I didn't see your post either. I admit that this board can be slow at times and I don't routinely check it over the weekend. But, it is definitely a safe haven for posting "trying times" than using the Community Board. I have seen many people somewhat "flamed" for posting their health issues, concerns, and worries, and this board is supposed to help that.
The unfortunate trade-off is that it doesn't get a lot of traffic.
you may not get as much 'traffic' here, but please know that there are those of us out here who are reading and sending you best thoughts and wishes as you go through difficult times.
Some people feel better by writing out what they are experiencing, others by reading that they are not alone.
Best thoughts to all of you - I know that I am not the only one who stops by now and then to think of you all
Bavaria, thanks for those sweet words this morning.. definitely touched my heart and I am glad to know that there are people who read here but may not post but are supporting those posters who do need the comfort with good wishes and good energy..
Thanks to all for your good thoughts. Things have been looking up the last week or so (which makes me think something bad will happen, I hate thinking that way but I do).
I realize that I have to react to some things in a different way than how I have been. I have to know that I should control how I react to things rather than just accept how the other person reacts. I'm probably not making much sense to you.
What my long winded question was in my first post that I deleted, was basically, how do people who live with someone who has several medical conditions, some constant, some new ones popping up, keep saying year after year (for 20 or so years) that "after this, things will be better, after this operation, you'll just have to take care of your diabetes and you'll be okay". Then a new problem (not diabetic related) pops up.
It's sometimes difficult to keep your spirits up & believe that things will get better, which is important to the other person to keep them up also.
(The question of how to differentiate drama from real issues is another post I suppose, which I think I may have already tried before.)
Anyway, good physical & mental health to all of you & your loved ones.
........ hope can be elusive sometimes, but it is a key motivational force and essential to drive us forward, even when everything looks bleak.
I like this quote:
"There is no medicine like hope, no incentives so great, and no tonics so powerful as the expectation of something better tomorrow".
More good news yesterday, his new diabetes doctor wants him to get a renal panel, whatever that is. I guess it's to determine his kidney function, hopefully he didn't detect anything like cancer. Plus, my husband thinks he wants him to go on 4 needles a day but he didn't talk to the doctor directly. Well today he goes to the diabetes doc he went to 6 months ago. He wasn't too happy with him but he had the appt & decided keep it & see what he says.
I guess it will never end, they'll always be something else wrong. I think it's time we accept that he'll never be well, that there will always be some new health problem. Soon I won't be able to look on the positive side and say "well at least your ____ is okay".
Found out a renal panel is just blood work, thank goodness. His first endocrinologist doesn't think he needs one based on the blood workup done just last week. Maybe things will get better.
Thankfully it is just blood work..Continued prayers and good thoughts.
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