Dealing with The Loss of a Son

Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by pfishgirl, Jul 17, 2009.

  1. pfishgirl

    pfishgirl In Loving Memory of Our Son 5/6/

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    I have never posted here before. I never even paid close enough attention to see this thread existed.. I just really needed somewhere to turn. I am having a very hard time trying to be strong for our family and friends.

    My Story:

    On May 6th, our son, our only child turned 19 years old. On May 13th he passed away and it's been 9 weeks and we still don't know exactly why..

    He was an EMT for our hometown and attending college to be a Respiratory Therapist.. He went through 2 years of Vocational School and graduated with High Honors for Medical Assisting.. Graduated HS in 2008...

    He spoke to his girlfriend at 11:30am, never said he didn't feel well, no headache, nothing.. He told her he was going to take a shower, and get ready for his last final exam of the semester.. but, When I got home around 1 pm from grocery shopping and errands, he was already gone.. I found him on his bed, unconscious, pale as can be and cold.

    I've been to a support group, but it only meets once a month. I've been to 2 so far. It helps, I guess, a little, knowing They know my pain of losing a child.

    I cry every day, even though I don't let my husband see me cry, I know he knows I do. He puts up a brave front for me as well. We have cried together maybe 3 times since it happened.

    I just miss my son so much and I feel helpless because I can't fix this. I can't take everyone's pain away and make it okay again..

    thanks for listening

    :guilty:
     
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  3. jjzmgailey

    jjzmgailey DIS Veteran

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    I am so sorry for your loss. :hug::hug::hug:
     
  4. frdeb1999

    frdeb1999 DIS Veteran

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    So very sorry about the loss of your son. :hug:
     
  5. jerseygal

    jerseygal DIS Veteran

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    So very sad to read this tragic story about your beautiful 19 year old son.

    May God Bless You and Your Family With Comfort and Support During This Most Difficult Time!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::flower3::flower3::flower3
     
  6. jrsmom

    jrsmom DIS Veteran

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    I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
     
  7. pfishgirl

    pfishgirl In Loving Memory of Our Son 5/6/

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    Thank You :grouphug:
     
  8. Ember

    Ember <font color=blue>I've also crazy glued myself to m

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    I am so very sorry.

    Treat yourself gently, and your husband. Remember there is no time line to "get over" a death. People seem to think that after a set amount of time you are now "over it" and on the way to being better with things. But that just isn't the case and there will never be a time when you are "over it."

    Try not to judge yourself. It's too east to do and it's very unproductive. And keep talking - to us, to your husband, to anybody.

    :hug:
     
  9. Lilybee

    Lilybee and Spikey

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    Im so sorry for the loss of your son.

    I don't normally post on thread but this really touch me and it feels just like what happened to my close friend.

    Last year my friend a young 22 year old male died very suddenly, no health issues, it took a few weeks for them to find out why he had died, Sudden Cardiac Death (SCD); Sudden Death Syndrome (SDS, SADS).

    Stay strong and remember the memories that you had together and that he will always be with you and your family.
     
  10. mjwolfe

    mjwolfe Earning My Ears

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    Stacy,

    I don't think you need to be strong for everyone. It is ok to feel this grief. It is ok to cry, even in front of people. You have experienced a profound loss.

    In the grief group that I have participated in (I lost my DH several years ago) - they describe grief like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes the waves almost knock you down, but sometimes it is calm. Sometimes you can recognize that you are in the big waves.

    I know very well how it feels like you can't fix it. It is very hard to accept that ...

    I think it is good to reach out to a support group. It is unlikely there are others in your circle of friends who have experienced a loss like this. It does help to know that you are not the only one going through something like this.

    If anything, going to a group helps give you time to think about it and talk about it. Sometimes the people who are around you every day can't deal with that kind of talk. I always felt like a burden around my friends when I wanted to talk about my DH's illness/death - they did not know what to say. When I am with the group though - they all have been through something like I have.

    you might also find support groups on the internet for others who have lost a child.


    -marti
     
  11. A Mickeyfan

    A Mickeyfan DIS Veteran

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    :hug: this is a poem that I have placed on here before. My sister found it when my Mom passed away. I found it to help me...I hope it can ease your pain :hug:


    To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
    but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
    I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
    Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

    Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
    Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
    That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
    God picked me up and hugged me and He said, ""I welcome you.""

    It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
    As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
    I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
    There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

    God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
    And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
    And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
    God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

    When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
    because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
    But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
    Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

    I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
    But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
    But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
    I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

    There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
    but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
    It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
    that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

    If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
    then you can say to God at night......""My day was not in vain.""
    And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
    knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

    So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
    just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
    When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
    I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

    And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
    remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.
     
  12. pfishgirl

    pfishgirl In Loving Memory of Our Son 5/6/

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    Thank You :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
     
  13. TheDisneyGirl02

    TheDisneyGirl02 <font color=navy>I found my Disney Prince!<br><fon

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    Oh my gosh, Stacy, I am so sorry to hear about your loss!

    There is an online community that I joined after my car accident I had a few years ago and it has helped me. I'm pretty sure there is a bereavement group. It is called dailystrength.org.

    I am so sorry again... :(
     
  14. Mackey Mouse

    Mackey Mouse <font color="blue">Me read the Navigator? I don't

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    I am so sorry to read this Stacy...as a Mom myself, I was so upset.

    I participate in an online support group for caregivers of cancer patients and it helps me so much. I am glad that you are reaching out and finding a place to talk where you feel comfortable.

    Take care of yourself and come here if you need to talk, but also maybe do some research online where you might find a bereavement group to participate in..

    Marsha
     
  15. CarolynU

    CarolynU <font color=CC0000>Proud Mum twice over<br><font c

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    Goodness what a sad situation. I feel very sorry for you. To lose a son at that age without knowing why is horrible beyond belief. I guess the best that you can so is to take each day as it comes, and try to cope as best as you can and not to expect too much too soon.
    Lean on those here, and rest assured that everyone will support you.
     
  16. Deesknee

    Deesknee <font color=blue>When we were kids (long time ago)

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    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm happy you have some type of support group. I know there are alot of professional therapists who specialize in grief counseling. How ever you decide to deal with your pain, please know you are in my prayers. When my brother died, someone mentioned to me that no 2 people grieve the same. Even if they are grieving the exact same person, same situation. It helped me to remember that... and still does.
     
  17. budmonster

    budmonster "Just don't give up trying to do what you really w

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    I am so sorry for you loss. :hug: I'd like to share this poem with you, I found it very comforting when I lost someone I dearly loved a couple years ago. Please know that you are in my thought and prayers at this diffcult time in your life.




    If Tomorrow Starts Without Me…

    If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see,
    If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
    I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
    While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.
    I know how much you love me, as much as I love you
    And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.
    But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,
    That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.
    He said my place was ready, in heaven far above
    And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
    But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye.
    For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.
    I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do.
    It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
    I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad.
    I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.
    If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
    I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
    But then I fully realized that this could never be,
    For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
    When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow
    I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.
    When I walked through heavens gates I felt so much at home.
    God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne
    He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you”
    Today your life on earth has passed but here life starts anew.
    I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last
    And since each day is the same there’s no longing for the past.
    You have been so faithful so trusting and so true.
    Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
    You have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
    So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?
    So when tomorrow starts with out me don’t think we’re far apart,
    For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.
     
  18. TaraPA

    TaraPA <font color=navy>I will think of that animatronic

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    Stacy, I don't even know what to say to you other than I'm so sorry. Just know that all of us here are thinking of you & your struggle. If it helps you, just talk talk talk, we promise we will listen as much as you need.

    Just take baby steps. Take care of your health. It's ok to cry & grieve for no matter how long it takes you. No one here or in a support group would ever judge you for wanting to talk endlessly about your dear son. Many in the support groups you'll find (or are in) have been through the same thing, they will understand.

    Take care, you're in my thoughts! :hug:
     
  19. Mskanga

    Mskanga <font color=navy>Can speak and read 4 languages fl

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    First of all I am really sorry for your loss. My 16 year old daughter is a cancer survivor , she and her friend and classmate were diagnosed with cancer at almost the same time. Her mom and I became very good friends . Unfortunately her daughter passed away in April and I see my friend everyday struggle with the pain ......and I see my daughter feeling guilty for surviving , and I feel guilty for celebrating my daughter's survival when hers did not make it. I know my friend is thrilled to pieces that my daughter survived , just like I am heartbroken that hers didn't.
    I am just as heartbroken for you because no parent should ever have to bury their children.....it should be the other way around.
     
  20. scrappinmom

    scrappinmom Still Tagless.......

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    Stacy - I am so sorry for your loss, I"m sorry your son died, I can only imagine the pain you feel every day. I've lost a son as well, however mine was only 2 days old...& while my pain was/is great I know none of us suffer the same kind of pain, and your loss if very different from mine.

    What I have learned that might help you is that it's okay...okay to cry, okay to cry in front of anyone/everyone you need to cry. it's okay to be mad as hell, it's okay to be confused as hell, it's okay to be lost as hell...basically you need to grieve you need to feel whatever it is you need to feel...only then can you begin to heal...I won't say get better,because I truly believe once you bury a child you are never "better" never the same person you were before.

    However, it has been almost 11 years since my son died & what I do know is that in those 2 days he gave me gifts beyond belief. I'm sure in your wonderful son's 19 years he also gave you gifts that you will treasure forever, gifts that will help you become the person you want to be for the rest of your life, gifts that will help you keep his memory alive in whatever way you choose.

    The road ahead is one no parent ever wants to travel.My thoughts & prayers are with you as you begin your journey
     
  21. ScrapperBelle

    ScrapperBelle Mouse Fan Since Birth

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    :hug:
    Stacy - I just want to say that although no situation is the same and no two people grieve alike - I do understand what you are going through. We lost our oldest son in Dec. of 07. He was 18. Actually, he was my stepson, but DH and I married when he was 3 and he spent a lot of time with us until he actually moved in with us when he was 14.

    He was killed in an auto accident. The spot is only about 10 miles from my house, but I NEVER go past there. Luckily it is not a route I have to take very often, but I will go miles out of my way to avoid it.

    There were no drugs or alcohol involved and the police report says he was only going 5-10 mph over the speed limit. So, like you, we have lots of questions. He was killed on impact. It was a single vehicle accident. He left the road and hit a tree.

    I don't want to seem like I'm taking over your thread with my story, just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am. If I had only one wish it would be that not one more parent ever know the sorrow we do. I wish I had some magic words for you, but I haven't found them yet.

    The important thing is to let yourself feel what you feel every moment, no matter what it is. It's ok to be sad, but don't forget to be joyful as well. I have found that when I feel sad about it, I try to think of a memory that makes me laugh (and there are lots of them!). Don't let others push you into the space they think you need to be in. The summer before he passed away, we had been to WDW. I have been unable to watch the home movies from that trip. Even now, I think I'm ready...I start to put one on and I just cannot do it. I have pictures and I look at them frequently. I even have a huge collage of pics I took on that trip hanging on the wall above me right now....but I am not ready for those videos.

    :hug:Once again, I am so sorry. I may not feel exactly how and what you do...but I do understand.:hug:
     

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