DD has Strep.. Need to vent!

[Chloesmom]

OK.. sso DD is 8 and has type one diabetes. She goes to her dad's every other week. Yesterday I pick her up at 7 and she walks up to me and is beet red. I hug her and the heat is pouring off of her. I always carry a thermometer among my other things I need for her and I take her temp right there.. its 103! I throw her in car and off we go to Children's Hospital. As we wait for the doc I look thru her glucose log book and see that she had sugars over 400 over the week end!! Then I find out from DD that her dad never tested for ketones even though he wrote in the book that he did. I am so mad at this point I want to hit someone. They do blood work and a urine sample and several hours later we thankfully find out its Strep and a urinary tract infection.
So I call my wonderful ex and tell him about our evening and he gets mad at me and says I over reacted and that he did not think she was warm at all when he hugged her bye. What?? She was red.. lobster red.. moaning in pain.. gasping because her throat hurt so bad.. We meet at a grocery and I saw him hug her bye and she walked ten feet to me. I know these symptoms did not appear in her 3 second walk from him to me. She threw up over the week end and was coughing so they gave her dayquil.. never took her temp.
I am so mad. She is not like any other kid. She gets sick and it can be bad. We have to be ahead of the illness to keep it from getting worse. He ignored her symptoms for 2 days. I just get so fed up with him .. I have taken him to court.. called CPS.. tried to get emergency protection orders. When does it stop? I should not have to worry about what is happening to my DD when she is with her dad but each week when she is there I stress and fret and just worry..
I'm sorry.. I just needed to vent to people who may understand. He keeps saying that I make too big of a deal about her diabetes and that she needs to just be able to act like a normal kid.. but she's not "normal". She has diabetes.. she can't just go over to the nieghbors house and play with no worries.. she can't even go to bed witout going thru a routine. She cannot handle the flu like most kids.. her special needs have to be priority and I just wish he would get that. I dont let her diabetes stop her from doing anything but I do make sure she is taken care of along the way.
Like I said .. I'm sorry.. I have just been so angry at this and I needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.

 

[KPeveler]

no offense and i know nothing about your ex, but this is actually grounds to revise custody sometimes, especially if this is not the first time. a fever, strep, and infection is VERY serious for a person with diabetes, especially a child. perhaps you need to revise custody until he can learn more about it...

 

[Chloesmom]

no offense and i know nothing about your ex, but this is actually grounds to revise custody sometimes, especially if this is not the first time. a fever, strep, and infection is VERY serious for a person with diabetes, especially a child. perhaps you need to revise custody until he can learn more about it...

No offense taken.. this is not the first time he has medically neglected her.. and I have been to court several times ( the last time was late last year) and called CPS to get help. No one cares.. to put it simply. They keep spouting off about his right to see her... blah blah.. but no one cares about Chloe. I have spent $5000 in trying to get his visits limited and I keep getting turned away. I'm at my wits end. I have a call in to my lawyer but he is in court until later this afternoon.

 

[KPeveler]

well best of luck... i cant believe how some people put parental rights over safety of children. if he ever hit her, then they would of course suspend visitation... what they dont realize is that medical neglect is far worse in some cases!

 

[BCV23]

We have a son with type I juvenile onset so I can empathize with your concerns when your daughter is ill. It really throws everything out of whack.

Have you considered having your daughter start to be involved with some of her care? You could easily teach her how to read for ketones and give her a supply. At her age, she'd probably prefer to do that herself rather than involve her father anyway. Digital thermometers are safe and easy for a child to read. Is it possible for her to call you if ketones are present or if she has a fever?

Divorced or not, I think most dads just aren't as likely to notice illness. If she could do those simple things, you might rest easier.

 

[Chloesmom]

I wish it was as easy as that. DD does do everything such as testing and giving her own shots but my ex is very controlling. She is allowed to call me one time a day at 8 pm ( its a court order.. it has been ugly). He takes the phone up and carries it with him so she cannot use it. She called 911 once on him because he went to bed for several hours and locked his door and she was scared and felt bad.. she was just 7 then. Ever since then he carries phone because of course the police were not happy with him and he punished her for it. he also goes thru her bag and takes out anything he does not want her to have. She has a cell but he puts it up when she is there so I dont even send it anymore.
At my house she does pretty much everything on her own. She has been very involved in her care since she was diagnosed but he has to control so much that he takes that away from her. She does her own shots but he insists on doing them there and giving them in her butt which she hates.
Its a really really bad situation for her. I could easily see if she just had a sore throat missing it.. but liek I said.. she was lobster red and she is a pale red head normally. It was obvious something was wrong.She had 300 blood sugars... red flag.. He knew he should be testing for ketones because he lied about it.. its just a mess.

 

[BCV23]

Oh, to you both.

Is she feeling better yet and have her glucose levels come down? Good luck to both of you.

 

[hematite153]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough situation. I can certainly understand why you were/are worried about your DD's health being properly monitored.

The degree of control that you describe him exercising over her is out of control. It sounds abusive even if you ignore the medical neglect piece. Does he at least let her see the log book? If so, there's got to be a way for her to be able to reach you if she's sick or worried about her levels. He takes the phone with him, he takes her cell phone, but in this era of miniaturization isn't there some way to hide an emergency beacon in her bag? Okay, this does sound a little crazy but it seems like it ought to exist.

I hope your lawyer has some good advice and that your DD feels better soon.

 

[Chloesmom]

Oh, to you both.

Is she feeling better yet and have her glucose levels come down? Good luck to both of you.

Thank you for the hugs.. we for sure need them. Thankfully Chloe is much better. He sugar is still a tad high ( 170s) for her but much much better. her temp is fluctuating around 99 so thats much better.
As for her log book.. apparently ( I found this out today) her dad fills it out right before he brings her back to me and does not fill it in as he tests, etc. She says it stays in her bag until he packs her back up to go and then he fills it out. She does see her numbers when she tests and if I ask her how her numbers are she will say " high" or " low" but thats about it. I would love to find someway to sneak her phone in with her. I got it for her so she could call when there was a problem and it has never really been used.
I talked to my lawyer, her social worker at Children's, and her nurse practitioner and we are going to have a family meeting to discuss several of the issues. The SW said she could contact CPS if she feels there is neglect on his behalf so we will have to see. Last meeting we had he called and cancelled literally 2 minutes before it was supposed to start. Everyone else was there waiting for him and we find out he is not coming and he refused to reschedule. I ended up having to take him to court.. again .. that time.
Oh.. I forgot.. she got ringworm several weeks ago from his cats and she is on an anti fungal cream and he refused to treat her this week end bacuse he said its not ringworm and it was pointless... I guess he knows more than her doc. The best part is that now she has more spots of it.. I suspect from her visit 2 weeks ago since the cat in question sleeps with her.

 

[WildGrits]

Might I suggest a better way to get CPS attention.

You will always come off as being the embittered ex-wife. I don't mean that's what I think you are, that's what CPS will think.

Have your daughter request to see the school nurse every Monday that she comes back from visits. She mentions that her father is giving her shot in her behind and it's sore should get someones attention.

Unfortunately none of your other complaints will get you far.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Might I suggest a better way to get CPS attention.

You will always come off as being the embittered ex-wife. I don't mean that's what I think you are, that's what CPS will think.

Have your daughter request to see the school nurse every Monday that she comes back from visits. She mentions that her father is giving her shot in her behind and it's sore should get someones attention.

Unfortunately none of your other complaints will get you far.

Um, what are you insinuating by suggesting she tell the school nurse this?

 

[hematite153]

Your daughter is getting old enough to possibly want to call some friends when she is with her father. Does she have a friend who is trustworthy with a mother that you know?

Perhaps you could work out a code system. If she's worried about something (glucose levels, not testing for ketones, etc.) she could ask to call her friend. They could talk about other things but have a code (i.e. if I talk about elephants get your mother to call my mother) that the friend's mother could remind her about regularly. In order for this to work she'd have to start calling her friend when she wasn't worried about anything so that it becomes a regular thing. Plus, your DD would need to realize that the code should be reserved for serious problems.

Just a thought. Good luck with your meeting.

btw, having your DD go to the school nurse (or really anyone at school) might help but it's unlikely to work if the message comes through that you sent her there.

 

[WildGrits]

Um, what are you insinuating by suggesting she tell the school nurse this?

To insinuate is to to suggest or hint slyly. I am not insinuating anything.

I would however advocate for any child being touched in a way that makes them uncomfortable. I have been teaching a program for scouts in this age group called Don't Go There for a few years now. An eight year old has the right to not be the victim of some adult's power trip.

I don't know too many Diabetics but the ones I do know don't take their shots in this area. And an child like an adult has the right to choose where there injection site is within reason.

There is no insinuation in having the child talk to their school nurse about this situation. Anything that makes a child uncomfortable about what is being done to them has the right to tell any adult in their community. Unfortunately they usually don't know this unless a parent has had a discussion with them about it.

{deep breath}

So on that note, please know I am pulling for you and DD.

 

[WildGrits]

Your daughter is getting old enough to possibly want to call some friends when she is with her father. Does she have a friend who is trustworthy with a mother that you know?

I like the idea but personally if this gentleman has the issues she speaks of, I would be very upset if another mother knowlingly put my DD in this situation.

 

[KPeveler]

Forgive me if I am saying something you already know (after all, you've been doing this for a while) but do you feel as uncomfortable as I would if someone was touching my daughter's behind when she did not want him to. If this was the only option for an injection site I could understand, but it obviously is not. I am not saying that he is trying to do something sexually inappropriate with your DD, but it is NEVER okay to touch someone there if they say no, not even for medical reasons if there is another option...

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I would however advocate for any child being touched in a way that makes them uncomfortable. I have been teaching a program for scouts in this age group called Don't Go There for a few years now. An eight year old has the right to not be the victim of some adult's power trip.

I must have missed the part where she was being touched in an inappropriate way. I will go back and reread the OPs.

ETA: Ok, there it is. He is giving her her shots, which she doesn't want him to do. My bad.

 

[KPeveler]

also, he is doing it in a location she does not want him to... in an area most people deem inappropriate...

 

[Chloesmom]

Forgive me if I am saying something you already know (after all, you've been doing this for a while) but do you feel as uncomfortable as I would if someone was touching my daughter's behind when she did not want him to. If this was the only option for an injection site I could understand, but it obviously is not. I am not saying that he is trying to do something sexually inappropriate with your DD, but it is NEVER okay to touch someone there if they say no, not even for medical reasons if there is another option...

Thats a very interesting take on the behind shot issue that I never thought of.. something I will bring up to my lawyer and see about. I guess i always figured it was her dad and never thought about it.
hematite153- That would be a great idea.. if he let her call people. To give you and idea.. on her birthday my family tried to call her and he would not let her answer the phone or call them back.. In fact the fact that they called her made him angry and he refused to let me talk to her that day also..
I have talked to the nurse about it and the school secretary about it and the secretary even testified for me in court about things Chloe had said, her trend of illness when she returned ( she has allergies and he smokes, has 20 cats). They have both been very very helpful in that sense. I have not been able to really discuss the strep issue with the nurse yet since DD has not been back to school. As I said before her social worker at Children's was not very happy with what I told her and said she could go to CPS if she thought it was warrented. Wildgrits is correct that it is nearly impossible to get CSP to listen. She has not been " hit" so they dont really know what to do. My lawyer said its important to call even if there is no positive resolution so that there is a documented history .

 

[KPeveler]

It is not that he is purposefully sexually mistreating your daughter or anything, but that has to make her feel uncomfortable. i remember when I was that age I got a rash on my behind (excema or something like that) and I would not let the doctor (male) or even my mom look at it! i was so embarrassed to have someone looking at my naked behind! so if it makes her feel uncomfortable, and especially if it causes pain, then it is not ok... even if he does not mean to do it in a "sexual" way...

 

[hematite153]

I like the idea but personally if this gentleman has the issues she speaks of, I would be very upset if another mother knowlingly put my DD in this situation.

Yes, I understand this concern which is why I asked for a mother that she knew. The OP could have a discussion with the mother about the full situation and talk out the possibility. (Given that it doesn't sound like he really knows a lot about what his DD likes the DD might even be able to call the friend's mother and chat with her every week.)

However, it sounds like the whole idea won't work if her father won't let her talk to ANYONE.

As a teacher I know that I am obligated to report to CPS if I hear stories like this. Doesn't mean everyone will. But, it does mean that if your DD understands she can talk to adults at school then she might eventually get listened to.

On the 20 cats issue...is that not enough to have the SPCA check out the environment? I thought there were pet limits (unless he has a kennel licence) and you were considered to be neglecting the pets if you went over this number.