Coping with wife moving out

Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by canadaman, Dec 29, 2009.

  1. canadaman

    canadaman Mouseketeer

    Mar 3, 2008
    My wife will be moving out on friday, new years day. I am so upset. I have knew this day was coming for a few months now, and I thought I was ok with it. Now as it is inching closer I am so upset and depressed.
    She won't have any compassion to listen to me or anything, which I guess she doesn't have to know. It just hurts so much hearing her say she will be so much happier when she leave and stuff like that. She acts like i am the devil. I am by no means perfect, but she acts like the whole 11 years we were together were horrible. The reality is 10 1/2 years were great and just the last 6 months were not and she is going to give up everything to leave.
    When she leaves I am keeping the kids, the house, and the car. But what i really want is her. I love her so much, I committed to her 11 years ago and feel the exact same way today as i felt then.
    Though I would love her to stay the last 6 months have not been good. I am trying to look at her moving out as a chance for us to rebuild our relationship. I am hoping we can get back together sometime in the future. I feel it is the best for the kids, her, and me. The reality is though once she leaves we don't know what will happen. She could want to come back and i could have changed my mind by then. The most important thing I guess is to be good parents to the boys.
    I am sure I will feel better after some time. Right now is just so tough and she hasn't even left yet. I find myself not able to even do things I enjoy cause I can't stop being upset.
    If anyone has some personal experiences or advice they would like to share i would really appreciate it.

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  3. Trentmom

    Trentmom <font color=red>A Christmas"y" tag for a Christmas

    Jan 21, 2007
    I don't have any experience with this, but just wanted to offer a hug :hug:

    I don't know what happened, but I can't believe any mother could leave her kids behind :confused3

    You are a stand up man and father and hope 2010 is better for you :goodvibes
  4. Mackey Mouse

    Mackey Mouse <font color="blue">Me read the Navigator? I don't

    May 21, 2000
    Sorry to read this and I too have no experience with this.. I think from what I read she had made up her mind to leave and probably too late for marriage counseling..

    I hope that you and your children can move forward and do ok without her since it seems she has made her mind up to leave.. sorry
  5. Maddykins06

    Maddykins06 Mouseketeer

    Apr 9, 2009
    :hug: I am so sorry you and your boys have to go through this. Unfortunately, YES, I have had experience with this situation.

    I told my husband to leave this summer. I can tolerate a lot of things, but deceit & lying are not on that list. Suffice it to say, we are still working on things, but the time away helped him to see what he would lose if he didn't change his ways.

    It is definitely hard, but each day it will get a little easier for you. Try to keep life as normal as possible for your boys & KEEP BUSY! Do not sit around & wait for her to decide how your life will be. Marriage is a joint effort & you cannot MAKE someone change or try to work things out.

    Change is difficult, but it can also be very good for the soul. Sometimes absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.

    I wish you all the best! :flower3:
  6. canadaman

    canadaman Mouseketeer

    Mar 3, 2008
    Thanks for the replies guys. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs right now. I am sure time will even things out for me. I don't think life will change as much as I am worried about. She worked a lot of evening shifts so I made supper most nights of the week and did a lot of the housework anyways. The big thing for me will just be taking over the rest of the daily chores.
    I am trying so hard to be nice to her through all of this in hopes that some time apart can bring our family back together again. Only time will tell if that can happen.

    thank you guys again,

    any more advice would be greatly appreciated.

    ERICS MUM Mouseketeer

    Aug 24, 2005
    The only advice I can offer is to focus on maintaining a happy home life for your boys and yourself, and also to keep your dignity (on the outside at least). Hold onto the knowledge that you WILL get through it eventually but acknowledge that it will take time - both emotionally and practically.

    I do have an idea of what you will be going through. My brother left home and his 3 children 2 years ago because he could not tolerate his wife's cheating any longer. He was heartbroken.

    The wife continued to make his life miserable by texting, calling, harrassment, lawyers letters, disputing divorce terms etc etc. But all along Paul kept his patience, did not try to influence the children against their mum, sorted out their finances, child support etc with complete fairness. All along he appeared dignified, but I know that underneath he felt devastated, miserable and as if his life had ended.

    In the past few months he has started to recover, is thinking about starting a new life, has been promoted and also has a girlfriend. He has worked really hard to get himself through those dark months.

    I'm thinking of you.

    Linda xx
  8. minniebeth

    minniebeth <font color=green>I count on y'all to keep me up t

    Feb 3, 2006
    Hoping that you can have a peaceful resolution to all that you are going through. One day at a time, one step at a time. Take care of yourself!
  9. 50sjayne

    50sjayne DIS Veteran

    Oct 16, 2007
    I think you're doing really well. Emotional pain is bad. As is losing someone you really love. I am coping with something myself right now and was re-thinking a story Dr. Wayne Dyer was telling in one of his cd's about how a friend of his came to him about his wife who cheated on him and left him and now she wanted money in the divorce or certain things-- I can't remember exactly, but he said to his friend "let her have them" And the guy of course was very self righteous- she had hurt him etc. Dr Wayne said it didn't matter. That story always puzzled me, I must have listened to it a thousand times and I couldn't understand why he would say that. But it makes sense to me now. You love that person, they are doing what is right for them right now, let them do it. You're in the right, it isn't fair because you love them, but it is the way it has to be right now.
    I'm going to concentrate on our trip to Disneyland which is in 5 months. Disneyland has saved me from this person twice before and I have the utmost confidence it will pull me out of this too. Right now I am absolutely devastated though. I cried last night- something I do maybe once every few years. They say it helps. I think maybe it did a little although I just feel drained. I need to watch Gone with the Wind....(he was my Ashley) :)
  10. Stephanator

    Stephanator Mouseketeer

    Apr 1, 2008
    I just discovered this part of The Dis today because I'm going through something similar. After 10 years of marriage, my husband has told me he's unhappy and wants to separate. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know it's nice to hear "You're not alone" so I thought I would write a note and say just that. You're not alone, you will get through this, and things will get better.
  11. Tyme4wdw

    Tyme4wdw DIS Veteran

    Jan 30, 2010
    I don't have any advice as I'm going through a rough time at the moment as well, but if this has anything to do with infidelity there is a fantastic website: It has really helped me through the emotional rollercoasters and helped me to move forward with my life.
  12. wifey1220

    wifey1220 DIS Veteran

    Mar 4, 2008
    I am so sorry for you. The pain your are feeling is terrible. I went through it for months. Thankfully my husband came back to me. But everyday is a struggle. For the whole month of July all I did was cry and scream in pain. I didnt understand what had happend. We were married for 11 years. I thought we were ok. But he fell in love with someone else. Instead of telling me he lied to me and treated me like dirt. He was so mean. he said awful things. I went to God for help. If I would not have found God I wouldnt have been able to survive the emotional abuse. It was the worst 5 months of my life. I have forgave him. but i cant forget. I love him so much and knew I didn't want to live with out him. I knew about his affair even though he denied it. And I decided to stay and deal with the crap. I knew the man I was dealing with was not my husband. This other woman turned him into a awful person. I am so happy to have him back.
    Focus on yourself. Be proud of who you are. Be the best dad you can be. And pray. Good LUck.
  13. LuvOrlando

    LuvOrlando DIS Veteran

    Jun 8, 2006
    I am so sorry this is happening to you :grouphug:
  14. Andreja

    Andreja Earning My Ears

    Mar 27, 2010
    I was kicked by my first gf and it was painful but I guess it is more painful for you since you have kids with her.
    However I am even happy she kicked me because she was hard person, perfectionist. She wanted a change so it is ok.
    I also admit I am not perfect guy, but thing is to find similar person.
    Only normal solution is to wish her good luck and to keep your life without her. Later you could find another woman...
  15. Floydian

    Floydian DIS Veteran

    May 16, 1999
    I can certainly empathize, as I went through similar troubles a few years back. I hope you can post a healthy positive update for us sometime. As you said, an important step is to work on being a good parent for the children. I would also suggest working on being the best YOU that you can be, whatever that might be. If you are proud of yourself for what you do and who you are, everything else is much easier to deal with, even if it is a life change that you didn't ask for.

    Now if only I could follow my own advice...heh
  16. ADecentGuy

    ADecentGuy Earning My Ears

    Mar 27, 2010
    I'm going through quite a bit of upheaval in my marriage too. I don't know where it will end up, but I can easily see it ending with us parting ways, and despite the fact that she did some awful things to me, the idea of seperating scares me terribly.

    Starting over seems so daunting after spending years commited to someone. But you (and I) won't be the first to do it and there are a lot of success stories out there about moving on to a better more positive life. I hope you'll have a story like this.
  17. cm8

    cm8 <font color=blue>Half of the time we're rushing ar

    Nov 20, 2009

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