constructive ways to deal with staring

[teri]

Glad to have you here!
I could have used a review of this thread the first day we went to Epcot last week. I am afraid I was embarrassingly undiplomatic to a lady in the bathroom who was chiding my son for being in the wrong place... We all have our days! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

 

[nuts4sn00py]

I am new to this site, but just want to say: I am so glad I found you! Depending on how I dress my son, he pretty much looks okay...I use to mostly dress him in overalls to hide his "tummy." See, he has no stomach muscles, so he gives the appearance of a tumor or sometimes a "pot" belly. We have always been very open with him (he is now 5 yrs. old) about his special tummy, & it is only in this last year where he has become self conscious of it. I believe it is mostly human nature to stare when you see something unusual & I basically treat it with alot of understanding. The child next door was amazed with PJ's tummy & use to ask him to pickup his shirt all the time. Once we showed him & explained it to him, he never asked again. Kids are inquisitive & I find if you are honest with them & explain, they absorb it & just move on. I do the same with parents, you'd be amazed how many parents will then tell me about problems that their kids have(mostly non visible medical problems). I find if you are defensive, the person staring will be defensive. I choose to educate & have never had problem, if anything, they might now look at a disabled person in a different way! Thanks for letting me share! Kathy /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

 

[nancycels]

i have two daughters who are labelled mentally retarded, but to us, that's all it is, a label. It doesn't mean my youngest doesn't help teach a theater class and try out for movies and plays in our hometown,(and sometimes gets a part); it doesn't mean she doesn't work as a production assistant for tv sometimes; it doesn't mean my oldest doesn't take classes at the Restaurant School in Philadelphia, what it means is they are 'differently able' and sometimes its necessary to remind people of this. We've run into people(including some in my own family) who complain about the dollars spent on special ed instead of advanced placement classes that didn't seem more geared to boys than girls... now, I just let it role off, and hope none of her children ever have a child w/a disability.

I remember when I worked in a rehab, and the clients all called us a TAB(temporarily able bodied) because that's exactly what we were. At any moment, something in our life could change, and we could be in the same place. When I go to DIS i have to use an ECV due to a severe hit and run accident that injured my spine, but I'm just happy to be there, and frankly, anyone who wants to stare and ask questions can feel free to, because i tell them the exact same thing I tell people about my kids, they and I are 'differently able' not 'disabled'. And we all try to concentrate on what we can do well. and believe me, if they want all the gory details, i can bore them for hours!! LOL

 

[teri]

bumping again, since the topic came up again...

 

[SueM in MN]

unfortunatly, because of softwear glitches, we lost the good posts that some people made here recently.

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES

ˇ

 

[mhopset]

I've been reading some of the hints to deal with people staring. I'm 36 have a wonderful wife and a great 4 year old son. Going to WDW 12-17-00. CANT WAIT!!!! I have Muscular Dystrophy and it is impossibel for me to walk in the parks so I will be taking my ECV.

I haven't found to many people to be rude, but I do receive a lot of stares. People just can't seem to understand why this 6'7" 290# man is in this scooter. Like everybody has said a smile does wonders. I have heard people say "That Guy is lucky he can ride around". I have to admit folks I do get a little upset when I hear that, and have been known to make a comment right back at them. I usually ask them "Do you want to trade?"

Several things I try to keep in mind:
1) I have a wife who Loves me.
2) I have a son who thinks I hung the moon.
3) Thank God, It could be worse.
4) (kinda stupid), I have a job just like you so
I can go anywhere I want, so shut up or I
will run your butt over with my scooter.
5) refer to #1 & 2

Hope this helps guys.

 

[SueOKW]

Great attitude Mh... sometimes we all need a little list to remind us of the good things we have!!
Sue

 

[SueM in MN]

I like it when posts that have been asleep for a while pop back up again. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
Someone sent me a poem about smiles that seems to fit well here.
A Smile For You
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin.
When he smile I realized, I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile, then I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine, could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick and get the world infected!
Keep this smile going by passing it on to a friend.
Everyone needs a smile!!

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES

ˇ

 

[SueOKW]

Thanks SueM - you just gave me one!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Sue

 

[lisapooh]

Mostly I just smile and answer any questions. I did have a person tell me once that I had no right to be at Disney since handicapped people all are supported by the government. Boy did I set her right.
I have a job, the government gives me nothing and I pay my taxes just like everyone else and I will vacation where I darn well please and if she didn't like it she was free to leave because I was not. Hate these people who assume because you use a cane and a wheelchair you don't work.
At school the kids are very helpful. I sub various classes and very few give me trouble. One of my deaf kids always helps carry my bag to my classroom. The other teachers always pick up my kids from the PE court in the am. Usually the teacher next door. Or the PE teacher walks them to me. A few parents ask about the cane and I explain and they are ok with it, Btw we have 5 handicapped teachers so I'm not that unusual at my school.

Pooh

 

[momejay]

It's hard to smile when a rude person is telling you that you have no right to be in their way with an autistic child. I took my 3 children to see Santa arrive at our local mall this weekend.
My two six year old DDs, my autistic 4 year old DS, & myself found a spot right up front. We were there an hour early. Just before show time more & more people started to gather around us. My son & I were asked to leave. (I refused) Some rude people, who arrived at the last minute complained that his stroller took up too much space & I should hold him in the back. (He was cranky about being crowded but once the show started he was fine.) Doesn't he have just as much right to be there with his sisters? I had to explain to security that I was there first, that my DS was autistic, & that I had other children there. The stroller that he was in costs over a thousand dollars, yet people were trying to lean on it, cram it into my girls. I try to do as much "normal" things as I can for my kids, but some people make it so difficult. The security guard never said a word to this lady when I later complained about her harassing me throughout the rest of the show. (name calling, bumping into me, pinching my son) Lady, if you are out there you aren't much of a lady. You should be ashamed of what you are teaching your children.

 

[SueM in MN]

I've very sad to hear about what happened to you and especially sad that none of the other people spoke up for you. But, sadly, many people are out for themselves and don't really care about getting a good experience for anyone else's kids. While they might be giving their children a magical experience, they are also giving them the OK to step on other people to get what they want.
PS, if she was piinching your son, that's assault.

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES

ˇ

 

[lisapooh]

Good thing I wasn't there because my chair would have accidently run over her toes. Your son has every bit as much right to see Santa arrive as any other child. I assume he was in a MacClaren stroller. Of course he was antsy until the show started, I bet a lot of the "normal" kids were too.
Sorry this happened. If he is in a pre-K program maybe he will go to see Santa again with his class. In fact I think all the autistic classes are goingon a special trip to the mall to visit Santa. And the deaf kids are going to Signing Santa.
Santa will also visit all the ESE classes near Christmas and bring gifts.

Pooh

 

[nae]

Just wanted to add our latest experience. We went to louisville kentucky to pick up our new minature schnauzer "ziggy" and we stopped at chili's restraunt for lunch. There was a family across from us all dressed up from church and they were staring at us i decided to ignore them.Then their daughter about 4 yrs old came over to kelsey in her wheel chair and wanted to be friends.This was so sweet she even gave kelsey a kiss on the cheek.It's this kind of staring that made our day!

disney chatterbug, email me anytime

 

[teri]

bump, for new people who are just joining us and have questions about how to respond to people...

"My brain takes a vacation just to give my heart more room..."
teri@iluvdisney.com

 

[chris1gill]

I guess I'm REALLY terrible about staring... I think I get more stares because my 3 year old is usually riding on my lap.... I overheard 1 very small child asking if I was the Mommy... That only happened once, so I'm okay with it so far...

I'm also very bad, I never make eye contact, or very very rarely... it helps, I don't know if people are staring, and I don't much care.... It's that Boston driving mentality, if I don't see you, you're not there... it works for me!! This probably sounds negative, but believe me when I say it's not, I'm always smiling, playing with my own kids (especially the 3 year old on my lap), and pretty much enjoying myself!!

I also agree, it could be so much worse, and I'm just thankful that it's not!!! I love my husband, and I love my kids, and they help me get through each and every day... I wish I was more outgoing, but I've never been too outgoing to begin with, I don't even really know how to BE outgoing outside the house!!

Most of the questions that have been directed towards me have always been inquisitive, not hurtful at all.... People are genuinely concerned, and when they ask, I have no problems answering their questions... I just have problems initiating the conversation LOL....

 

[teri]

just a bump for our new friends who are planning trips

"My brain takes a vacation just to give my heart more room..."
teri@iluvdisney.com

 

[Disneygal]

I might be crazy, but I refuse to pay any attention to people that stare at me. Maybe when I was younger it might have bothered me, but now they are of no concern to me. My main objective is to make sure my family is happy and having fun, not worrying about insensitive people who are oblivious to reality. My time and energy are very precious to me, and my family and I will use it for our enjoyment, not trying to make others who stare feel better!

 

[SueOKW]

I've been noticing this more lately - from the other side. 3 times now I've seen people who are leading a life similar to mine, and I really wanted to smile at them, and maybe say hello - how are you - that kind of a thing.

So - anyway, it kind of goes back to what I said earlier. I seem to crawl into my own world when the family is out and about.. and make little or no eye contact with anyone. And I think my new goal is to look around a bit more. I might get some nasty looks, but I might make a new friend, or hear a cheery remark. This is my new goal for our March trip! I'm acting like this is a real risk - and I guess it is. But I so wanted to talk to those other people - I just wonder how many people would like to talk to us, and can't cuz I don't acknowledge them??
Sue

<img width="200" src="http://www.geocities.com/dmurphydis/cleveland.gif">

 

[BuckeyeBelle]

Thanks for bumping this post to the top again. I've been feeling a little down about things lately and it's so helpful to hear everybody's advice and experiences.

My little boy (6) has a genetic condition which is becoming more obvious as he grows. Although he is still very small for his age, he has unique facial features and is getting bigger and bigger in his stroller. More and more, people have been looking him over trying to figure out what is "wrong" with him. I knew the day would come when he wouldn't pass as just another baby, but I'm not sure how to handle other people's curiosity about him.

My instinct is to smile constantly and shower him with love in public. We don't pay too much attention to the other people around us. Is that the easy way out? I don't want to be rude, but it seems that when I make eye contact, people start asking questions about him. Most people are very nice and say how cute he is, etc. But the next question is always "how old is he?" and when I say "six," they don't know what to say, and neither do I, and then there is this long, awkward silence. I know the explanation is a lot longer and more involved than most people want to hear. And I don't always feel like explaining it either. Elevator conversations are the worst because we are captive! Anyone else have that problem? Any suggestions for a nice, short reply that will make those situations more comfortable for everybody involved?

Just want to add that this board is the best. Even though I don't post here very often, reading what you all write helps me so much. Thanks everybody!!!! :